queenofthehwy

Okay I don't know why I am freaking out I have nothing to feel nervous about, but I do.

AH has been oh so nice from Sunday up until last night, I don't know what happened (maybe no sex for 2 days) but when he woke up this morning to get ready for work he made it clear he was mad at me for something. Slamming doors, leaving lights on, not leaving me any coffee (I know not that big of a deal).

I really don't know what to expect tonight I don't want to go home. I hate this feeling. I don't think it's okay that someone let alone a spouse should have this much control over me. It's just that I hate being treated like I did some terrible thing, when he's the one drinking!!!!

He's in the whole trying to hide it stage and I know what's coming!!! I don't know if this even makes sense, I just needed to talk.

Anyone else ever feel like this and what do you do?

Thanks guys!!!

CarolE

I feel like this quite a bit. I have to remind myself over and over again that I'm allowing him to have control over me.

minnie

Hon, maybe he's just mad? Not necessarily at you. If he can't bring himself to talk about it, then that's his problem. Don't forget - a lot of alcoholic behaviours come from projecting their own frustrations/problems/anger onto someone else, usually the partner. It's almost certainly not about you. And if it was, wouldn't a healthy person talk to you about it?

Is he still drinking? I used to see this behaviour when my ex was mad at himself for drinking or building up to having a drink. It was never about me. But, I made it about me. I used to wade right in there and ask him what was wrong, or tiptoe around. In the end, I just ignored it and got on with my own stuff. Not mine to own.

Hang in there.

Love

Minnie
xxx

queenofthehwy

Minne

He quit for um lets see one maybe two days, but yea he is again. I know he is very unhappy with himself and it probably isn't about me, but I hate being talked to like a piece of garbage especially in front of my kids.

Mindi

Peaches04

Hi Queen - I agree with what has been said. It surely has nothing to do with you...I think alot of A's do this to start a fight with us, to get us to 'react', so that they can justify their drinking. After all, if we weren't so horrible, they wouldn't have to drink. That way he can put the blame somewhere else.. I noticed when my AH quits drinking for a few days, he tries this...acts easily perturbed and treats me like I have done something wrong...it's all his way of trying to get me to be ugly to him, so he can have an excuse to drink (not that not having one would stop him). It's him controlling you...absolutely. As Minnie said - if he's got a problem, let him own it...stop worrying about if he's mad at you. Either he is, or he isn't - the world will not stop on its axis either way!!! Be easy on yourself sweetie! If you haven't done anything wrong, you haven't done anything wrong... Don't let him manipulate like that! I've been there, so I say this with much love!

minnie

Queen

That's where your boundaries come in. What would you do if a friend treated you like that? Or a random stranger?

I know it's not easy. Andthere's no "probably" about it. Unless you're hiding something from us (LOL!), this is classic A behaviour.

Don't forget - people treat us the way we let them treat us. It took me AGES to get this, so don't despair.

Love

Minnie
xxx

queenofthehwy

Minnie

That's the problem I really haven't set boundries.

If a friend treated me like that I wouldn't say anything, just feel bad. A stranger, thats another story I would be just as rude. I know, not real healthy huh, but I really am trying.

Mindi

minnie

Queen

It's OK - don't stress. Boundaries are something we all have to learn.

You know those healthy people out there? They learnt from an early age to set boundaries. Read all you can about them. There are loads of threads on here - do a search. (note to self - maybe it's time for another one)

Easy does it, hon.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Peaches04

(((Queen)))) - we codie's are notrious for "borrowing trouble" (as my sister puts it). We worry, and worry, and analyze, and worry some more about things that may not be an issue now or ever! Who knows what is wrong with your AH today, please don't worry about it. It will be a waste of your time and energy! One of my favorite quotes goes something like "today is the tomorrow you worried about all day yesterday - was it worth it?".. It never is!!! Do something fun for you now... and don't worry!

Petunia

Queen,

You took me right back to my childhood and more recent, when my father would have a tantrum. He pouts, sulks, bangs things around, ignores those around him. I told him this summer that this behavior is unacceptable. I wouldn't accept if from a child, I am surely not going to accept it any longer from a GROWN MAN.

I told my father that he has three options when he starts or chooses to continue this cycle of abuse, one of three things will occur.

1. If you are at my home you will be told to leave and will not be welcome back until you apologize for your behavior.
2. If we are at your home, we will leave and we will not return until you apologize for your unacceptable behavior. I
3. f we are at someone else’s home, you will be told by me to stop your unacceptable behavior immediately, and if you do not stop and apologize, we will leave.

I let him know that it is HIS behavior that is the issue. And that he can change it. If he chooses not to then the time we all spend together will be even more limited.

You do not deserve to be subjected to emotional abuse. This is what ignoring, diminishing, invalidating someone by throwing a tantrum is.

I wish you luck in dealing with your H. It has been difficult to grow a spine at 36 but I am glad that I am doing it now and not waiting any longer.

Peace,
Petunia

queenofthehwy

Thanks guys!

Petunia,

My dad was the same way, nothing like reliving the past. But now I am an adult and I don't have to live with it if I don't want to. I'm just gathering the strength slowly.

Mindi

dreamcatcher

I just put it back on him. Call a friend and see if you can have dinner, YOU don't feel like going home so don't. Call or leave him a note, let him know you were aware that he was having a hard time this morning so maybe he needs his space tonight. Let him know that a time out would be good for you. No harm done.