AngelEyes82

I have been reading a lot about codependency and I just had a few questions.

My boyfriend's alcoholism is getting us into serious financial trouble....I know that you're supposed to let the alcoholic take the fall for their own actions but if I don't help him out with his budget, our bills would be late, we would get kicked out of our apartment, etc. I can't not live with him because I can't afford the place on my own. How can I encourage him to be responsible for his own actions without controlling or saving him?

Also...if I'm trying to detach myself from my alcoholic boyfriend and not put blame or guilt trips on him, what should I do when he drinks in front of me or I know that he's drinking but he's hiding it? Should I just leave or ignore him? Wouldn't that be a form of punishing him/a guilt trip? Or should I just ignore the problem? (denial/enabling) I am having a hard time seeing the difference between detaching and enabling....

Any insight?

Peaches04

Hi AngelEyes...I think the difference is that detachment is something you do for yourself, not something you do to influence or try and contorl a situation. For example, if he's drinking in front of you, and it doesn't really bother you, then let him be - it doesn't mean you are saying "I think that's okay"...it just means you are emmotionally detaching from his behavior. NOW, if it does bother you, than leave, do something else, set a boundary of no drinking in front of you - whatever works for YOU. Boundaries come in time, as does detachment. it's a skill you learn as you practice... I struggled really hard and long with this too. I felt like if I didn't make a big deal about my H drinking, I was condoning it. Then with help, I realized he was going to do it no matter what - I was just causing fights and chaos. I now know that if I want him to stop drinking - he wont - but, that if I don't want to be around him while he is drinking, i can leave...or if his behavior makes me all together uncomfortabel, I can divorce. I have lots of choices...and, in time, will make the choice that works for ME. I hope that helps a little.
As far as the expenses go... that's worked different ways for a lot of people. I asked that same question when I first came on here - just becuase I was sick of my AH not being responsible for anything... I finally decided to tell him how much money he is responsible for, and I put the rest in my own account. He wasn't crazy about the idea, but I didn't care anymore what made him happy or not - I was tired of being angry all the time, so I changed it... didn't change him, changed me... Good luck sweetie!

Petunia

AngelEyes,

There isn't a thing I could add to what Peaches offers that would add to the explanation. I think she nailed it right out of the gate (nice job Peaches!).

As Peaches put it, if what the person is doing is offending my health, safety, sanity then it is my responsibility to do something about it. For e.g., if someone decides to verbally abuse me, they are affecting both my safety and sanity. Otherwise, I can keep my thoughts to myself and work on finding something to make me happy. It might be where I already am, or it might be someplace else. Bottom line is that I am not doing it to/for anyone else, I'm making things right for me.

Petunia