Oh gosh, I am doing a terrible job...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
Oh gosh, I am doing a terrible job...
today my husband drank. He tried to hide it, he was not drunk. I called him on it. He got angry, then realized that that was not the way to go so he told me the things he knew I wanted to hear. I know they are lies. He accused me of over reacting since he was clearly not drunk.
I told him that I refuse to start the cycle again. He hides the drinking, then does it only outside, then moves to the garage, then starts drinking in the house, then comes home drunk, then gets drunk at home, then is drunk all the time. I am NOT going to do it again.
He offered to leave. I told him that by doing that he was choosing alcohol over his family. He stormed out saying he was TRYING to stop and that I was not giving him enough credit. I screamed at him that you did not quit drinking by drinking beer. He said "Of course not" as the door slammed.
He came back a minute later and was all "nothing happened here" attitude and went on like the night was totally normal. I played along. We played with the kids, had dinner, watched TV, talk about normal stuff and he went to bed.
I have GOT to draw the line and I just can't seem to pick up the stick to do it. I have GOT to stop putting all of my energy into HOPING and PRAYING that he quits. Yet, I can't stop doing it. I have GOT to get back with the program and have faith in myself and I find that when I reach deep inside for it, that I have little left.
I am crying again. I am so tired of this. I want to get off this ride and yet I can not figure out how to find the courage to do it.
Jenny
I told him that I refuse to start the cycle again. He hides the drinking, then does it only outside, then moves to the garage, then starts drinking in the house, then comes home drunk, then gets drunk at home, then is drunk all the time. I am NOT going to do it again.
He offered to leave. I told him that by doing that he was choosing alcohol over his family. He stormed out saying he was TRYING to stop and that I was not giving him enough credit. I screamed at him that you did not quit drinking by drinking beer. He said "Of course not" as the door slammed.
He came back a minute later and was all "nothing happened here" attitude and went on like the night was totally normal. I played along. We played with the kids, had dinner, watched TV, talk about normal stuff and he went to bed.
I have GOT to draw the line and I just can't seem to pick up the stick to do it. I have GOT to stop putting all of my energy into HOPING and PRAYING that he quits. Yet, I can't stop doing it. I have GOT to get back with the program and have faith in myself and I find that when I reach deep inside for it, that I have little left.
I am crying again. I am so tired of this. I want to get off this ride and yet I can not figure out how to find the courage to do it.
Jenny
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
JennyK, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I think I know how you feel.
I was crying all the time too several weeks ago and started taking Paxil. It has helped, and I am not a zombie as some warned. It just takes the "edge" off. I am looking at it as temporary. That helps because I don't "do" pills, rarely even take an aspirin. The crying all the time really made me feel very ill and almost insane. This has helped a lot.
I know it is hard to not react when they are drinking at all, whether it is one beer or a fifth of vodka... I wish I had words of wisdom, but don't. I hope it helps just a little to know that someone understands your feelings. I know this place has helped me tremendously just knowing others understand. Even my bestest friends and my family don't understand at all. They don't understand addiction.
I think it was you who recently said your counselor repeated something you had said about your H but coming from her you didn't like it... My h's step-mother today said "well, what good qualities DOES he have" like he doesn't have any. That really ticked me off. So, i understand what you were saying yesterday. ONLY I CAN BADMOUTH MY H!!!
Anyway, i hope tomorrow is a better day for you!
I was crying all the time too several weeks ago and started taking Paxil. It has helped, and I am not a zombie as some warned. It just takes the "edge" off. I am looking at it as temporary. That helps because I don't "do" pills, rarely even take an aspirin. The crying all the time really made me feel very ill and almost insane. This has helped a lot.
I know it is hard to not react when they are drinking at all, whether it is one beer or a fifth of vodka... I wish I had words of wisdom, but don't. I hope it helps just a little to know that someone understands your feelings. I know this place has helped me tremendously just knowing others understand. Even my bestest friends and my family don't understand at all. They don't understand addiction.
I think it was you who recently said your counselor repeated something you had said about your H but coming from her you didn't like it... My h's step-mother today said "well, what good qualities DOES he have" like he doesn't have any. That really ticked me off. So, i understand what you were saying yesterday. ONLY I CAN BADMOUTH MY H!!!
Anyway, i hope tomorrow is a better day for you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You know, sometimes I sound flip, I will apologize for that in advance, okay?
Over a decade ago I wanted a divorce. My husband was not addicted or abusive.
But we had gotten together in our teens, and I wasn't happy anymore, had gotten very depressed about his emotional neediness and knew I did not want to live the rest of my life that way.
People said to me, he is a good provider blah blah blah.
It could be worse! (I am likely to punch the next person who says that to me)
OH YEAH! Well, it could be better!
I believe you have the right to want to end suffering and seek happiness. And that it is right to do so. It is the wish of all human beings, it is natural and it is right. (The Dalai Lama taught me this)
The 12 steps teaches us to "sweep our own side of the street"
In other words, do what is responsible, take care of ourselves, do what is right for you and then Let go and let God.
This isn't a dress rehearsal, this is real life.
How do you want to spend it?
Over a decade ago I wanted a divorce. My husband was not addicted or abusive.
But we had gotten together in our teens, and I wasn't happy anymore, had gotten very depressed about his emotional neediness and knew I did not want to live the rest of my life that way.
People said to me, he is a good provider blah blah blah.
It could be worse! (I am likely to punch the next person who says that to me)
OH YEAH! Well, it could be better!
I believe you have the right to want to end suffering and seek happiness. And that it is right to do so. It is the wish of all human beings, it is natural and it is right. (The Dalai Lama taught me this)
The 12 steps teaches us to "sweep our own side of the street"
In other words, do what is responsible, take care of ourselves, do what is right for you and then Let go and let God.
This isn't a dress rehearsal, this is real life.
How do you want to spend it?
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Originally Posted by liveweyerd
...I believe you have the right to want to end suffering and seek happiness. And that it is right to do so. It is the wish of all human beings, it is natural and it is right.
The 12 steps teaches us to "sweep our own side of the street"
In other words, do what is responsible, take care of ourselves, do what is right for you and then Let go and let God.
This isn't a dress rehearsal, this is real life.
How do you want to spend it?
The 12 steps teaches us to "sweep our own side of the street"
In other words, do what is responsible, take care of ourselves, do what is right for you and then Let go and let God.
This isn't a dress rehearsal, this is real life.
How do you want to spend it?
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
That was excellant--I'm sorry Wraybear that you are having such a hard time. The
post by Liveweyerd was sooooo good. My AH is causing me some new grief and
making me feel guilty for wanting my own space and then I read those words. Some-
times this sight just has to many answers. If that's possible. The Dahlai Lama? I
think I need to hear more. Thank you--Smiles--Dee
post by Liveweyerd was sooooo good. My AH is causing me some new grief and
making me feel guilty for wanting my own space and then I read those words. Some-
times this sight just has to many answers. If that's possible. The Dahlai Lama? I
think I need to hear more. Thank you--Smiles--Dee
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
No need to apologize at all, Liveweyred. I'll just add:
Yeah, what she said!
I can't offer any better words of wisdom or support than what you've already received here. So I'll just offer you a big (((((HUG))))) and tell you that I'm sorry you're suffering tonight. Stick around. I promise you'll begin to heal and then you'll be better prepared to decide what's right for you.
Yeah, what she said!
I can't offer any better words of wisdom or support than what you've already received here. So I'll just offer you a big (((((HUG))))) and tell you that I'm sorry you're suffering tonight. Stick around. I promise you'll begin to heal and then you'll be better prepared to decide what's right for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Jenny
I really feel for you in this situation. I have been there, so I know a little of what you're going through.
I know from other posts that you set a boundary that if he drank, you would leave. And now you find you're not ready. That's OK. You'll know when you're ready.
I did the exact same thing and felt awful when I didn't follow through on my promise to myself. I used to get really angry with my ex A when he didn't follow through on HIS promises to me, and here I was not following through on promises to MYSELF. Doh!! The someone on here said to me- maybe your boundaries are not right for you today. Don't forget, boundaries are for us, not them. So, I changed them. Instead of leaving the relationship the next time he drank, I seriously detached. Left the room, left the house, whatever it took. Until I was ready to leave, when my boundary went back to leaving the relationship.
Which I did at the beginning of December. I looked back at some of my old posts the other day and realised that I had seriously made the decision to leave in June. But I wasn't ready to do that until December.
I have faith in you, Jenny. Draw on that for a little while.
Love
Minnie
xxx
I really feel for you in this situation. I have been there, so I know a little of what you're going through.
I know from other posts that you set a boundary that if he drank, you would leave. And now you find you're not ready. That's OK. You'll know when you're ready.
I did the exact same thing and felt awful when I didn't follow through on my promise to myself. I used to get really angry with my ex A when he didn't follow through on HIS promises to me, and here I was not following through on promises to MYSELF. Doh!! The someone on here said to me- maybe your boundaries are not right for you today. Don't forget, boundaries are for us, not them. So, I changed them. Instead of leaving the relationship the next time he drank, I seriously detached. Left the room, left the house, whatever it took. Until I was ready to leave, when my boundary went back to leaving the relationship.
Which I did at the beginning of December. I looked back at some of my old posts the other day and realised that I had seriously made the decision to leave in June. But I wasn't ready to do that until December.
I have faith in you, Jenny. Draw on that for a little while.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
((((Jenny))))
I know it's so hard to set boundries and stick with it. I find that I set the boundry when things are really bad (the last stage of the cycle you spoke of) then of course we start over at the begining and I can't stick with what I said. I think okay, it's not that bad it's not that much it's not everyday, but you know what, I know it will get to that point again.
I'm sure this didn't help but I just wanted to let you know I understand and I do it too.
Mindi
s
I know it's so hard to set boundries and stick with it. I find that I set the boundry when things are really bad (the last stage of the cycle you spoke of) then of course we start over at the begining and I can't stick with what I said. I think okay, it's not that bad it's not that much it's not everyday, but you know what, I know it will get to that point again.
I'm sure this didn't help but I just wanted to let you know I understand and I do it too.
Mindi
s
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
(((Jenny)))) I could have posted your post..the same cycle - exactly - everything. Mine is in the "only having a few and trying to put them way underneath the rest of the trash in the trash can right now, so I won't see them" phase. So, the heavy drinking again at home phase, is right around the corner. I too, have small children at home. I told him twice now, that if he doesn't quit drinking - I'll get a divorce. both times we fought, he left the room, came back in and we act as if everything is fine. In our defense - it is so difficult to have those kind of discussions with small children around. That's one of the reasons we have to do as Minnie said, and just take baby steps with our boundaries, and when the time is right -we will know.
The first time I asked my AH to leave - I was ready and I meant it. but, for the first time every he admitted he had a problem and would stop. That lasted about 45 days, and then we started over. But, at that point, I had built up false hope and left myself open for a great deal of disappointment and hurt. I'll not make that mistake again. So, I - like you - am just waiting for the time to be right, and I'll know what to do. You will too... Hang in there sweetie!! You are sooooo not alone!
The first time I asked my AH to leave - I was ready and I meant it. but, for the first time every he admitted he had a problem and would stop. That lasted about 45 days, and then we started over. But, at that point, I had built up false hope and left myself open for a great deal of disappointment and hurt. I'll not make that mistake again. So, I - like you - am just waiting for the time to be right, and I'll know what to do. You will too... Hang in there sweetie!! You are sooooo not alone!
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