Gracey

I am married to a functional alcoholic..........very responsible paying bills.......goes to work 95% of the time...........see he thinks everything should be perfect all the time........everything should always be in its place........but on very rare occasion will he help with any of the chores in the house......he says he know his roll I should no mine.......and dishes and cooking and laundry, kids homework......oh just everything in the house is my responsibility, accept for taking out the garbage and sawing walls.........if you know what I mean.......Even if I didnt work full time, I would still expect some help sometimes.........we get days off at work right????

When he does do something in the house he feels like he should be praised......like I would my child for getting an A on a report card.............he wants recognition for things I do everyday......

Everytime he does something in the house, maybe I should act like he just gave me a five carrot diamond ring..........and he will see how ridiculous it is.......

Just a little vent here................Meanwhile I am taking things one day to a time.......I am getting done what I can get done..........and If no one likes it they can preferably go to ___ or get off there arse and do it themselves..........I am not going to feel guilty for doing what I want to do, after work...........even if it means nothing gets done sometimes and the kids end up eating pb&J for dinner.......and if my H wants something to eat......he is perfectly capable of making himself something to eat..........it is not my job to make sure he is fed.........the kids okay........but even they can figure out something to eat if I dont cook that night...........and my youngest is 7.......she will settle for peanut butter toast....

Petunia

Gracey,

Good job on letting go. In the past I probably would not have even thought about how annoying it was to "take care" of everything around the house. Now I realize that being married means being a partner, not a caretaker.

I recall someone recommending that if you are going to give it up, you need to really give it up. Like if someone wants something cleaned "better" than I already did it, that is fine -they can want it but it doesn't mean that I have to give it to them.

This is what I can do and I'm doing it the best I can. If you want it done differently, do it yourself. There's nothing wrong with that. And guess what, I won't be mad, hurt or annoyed that you did it either!

Every day a step closer to sanity. Good luck for today -

Petunia

P.S. PB Toast is one of my favorites! That or a bowl of cereal has done this girl just fine for dinner in the past.

cwohio

gracey - we don't have to do it all (only before recovery would we still think that is the way it should be). i don't cook at all during the week - my husband retired and i still work. sometimes i don't even cook on the weekend. i have let go of some things that i normally would have continnued to do. if you're hungry in my house - there's food - FEED yourself! of course, i don't have little children to worry about - they would need to be taken care of. keep going girlfriend!

1sunshine2

is that when they move out after an alcoholic episode of epic proportion. You don't have to take on any additional duties. You already did everything there was to do. I just figured that out tonite. My husband called my daughter and wanted to know what I have been doing. And she said everything she ever did dad. Everything.......how enlightening. No wonder I didn't feel over burdened when he left. I just felt the same, only minus him sitting on the couch drunk with a beer in his hand.

JessicaNAJ

I totally agree sunshine!!

Your doing great Gracey - KEEP IT UP!!

1sunshine2

Thank you Thank you Thank you...................I am sitting here thinking I am getting ready to end a two day run of being okay...to me right now...That is Great...you guys have helped me get some happiness back. I don't think I knew how miserable I was. Until tonite, when I didn't slide down the wall and cry. I didn't sit on the floor a half hour later and cry. I took the xmas tree out of the tree stand and drug it to the curb to be hauled away....One Xmas alone under my belt....the tree down, another pile of crappy memories packed in boxes and taken to the basement. All by me....I boxed those up, I put them in the boxes that held them for 27 years. And I stuffed them on the shelves in the basement all by myself...And I am not miserable tonite..thank you thank you thank you...that's all I can say. Because I know I would not have lasted a day, let alone a Holiday. Without you and everyone here just like you. And me.

ellima01

My AH works MAYBE 2-3 days a week- I work full time and go to school full time and I still am expected to just about everything in the house- mine will do laundry because "h'es better at it than I am" (he says) I said fine- do it all the time, but that won't happen. He always gets on me because he says I never put anything in the same place twicw. He is probably right - but so what? HE MAKES IT INTO A NATIONAL INCEDENT. He makes me feel like I am the worst house kkepper in the world. He has even said " my mom's house wouldn't look like this" I was raised in a home were the wife cooked and cleaned and the husband supported the household- well thats what I always THOUGHT I would have- but no- I pay 95% of the bills and play Suzie homemaker. I don't know why I allow this.

hope2bhappy

I think it has something to do with having ovaries.

queenofthehwy

Well said!!! It's actually less work when he's gone than when he's home. Funny I didn't think that's how it worked.

Peaches04

You guys are so clever! When I was in counseling with my AH one time, she was saying go home and take a look around and really, really think about what it would mean to have the other person gone. Look at the pictures, look at the kids...

Let's suffice it to say, that I had my whole house redecorated in my head and lots more closet space... that didn't seem too bad

And Gracey - A's just always want to find something, anything - to criticize us about. It took me a long time to catch on to this...but, any little thing they can condemn about us, somehow makes them feel better. They look for our weak points and it's usually guilt over being a mother, wife, and provider. The mother and wife are the easiest ones to attack, since we never feel adequate at either... or at least I know I don't. but, that being said...i'm getting better...letting go of guilt and the idea of being perfect, has made me a much less appealing target for my AH - not so much fun when I feel too good about myself to be hurt by his misguided attacks..

Live

Since when is the vows to love honor and cherish...a service industry?
Don't like the way I clean, hire a housekeeper, do it yourself. Whatever.
Mom's cooking is better, great go stop over at dinnertime, easier on me.
I'll eat cocoa puffs in peace and read at the same time, bad meal manners, but I like it.
I am not jumping through hoops anymore. I was trained to do that.
My mom still thinks sometimes, if only I had baked bread maybe we wouldn't be divorced. I did bake, and garden and cook and clean, loved it with the little ones.
Kid(s) Grown now, I have retired from all that.

mamasmitty

Gracey, I know what you mean about them "tooting their horn" if they do ONE little domestic thing! I hardly ask for help because I KNOW I will get complained at like some little kid! I just do it myself.
Liveweyerd, I feel ya too! I used to run a day care in my home when the kids were little. On Friday, the grocery shopping was done, (after I had planned two weeks worth of meals, gone through recipe books and clipped coupons for it) done the laundry including ALL the throw rugs in the house, and cleaned the WHOLE house, sheets and all and you could EAT off the floors! I had time then. I worked at home! Now...My "kids" are 22 and 19, and I don't have to do a thing for them! My turn!

1sunshine2

and everything we aren't told but we think might help.
I decided to run with scissors....just because I was always told not to....funny thing about that......it was hilarious. I am 45 years old and my mom lives next door. I sew and make quilts and stuff to while away the time. I went next door and said hey mom, and I just ran through the yard in the rain carrying my scissors high. She said what are you doing you goof. I said the only thing I could remember being told not to do. Running with scissors....she said.....glad to see me little girl coming back. You never use to do what you were told. Glad Jeff;s gone so I can have you back........I can't believe my mom thought I was gone. I thought only he was gone.......whew...what a relief to be back...........wonder if he can do the same for his mom

mamasmitty

WOW!!!!! I SO know how you feel!!!!! When my X and I got devorced, I finally felt FREE!!!! JUST like you! And here is another kick to us being simalar! I live next door to MY mom too!!!! I'm so happy you are "back" too!!

FormerDoormat

Here's a thought. Run down to the basement, seal up that box of crappy memories with duct tape, then throw it in the fireplace and watch it burn. While you enjoy the warmth of the fire say "goodbye crappy memories, hello happiness."

MysticCat

Ok, Sunshine, I just have to tell you, I find you amazingly funny. You seem to have the same sarcasm I have myself. Of course it just may be that what you say, is exactly how I feel!

Blessings,
MysticCat

bluester

Gracey,glad to hear you are taking it one day at a time. Wise thing to do. Sounds like your AH needs a mommy. Wants some one to do all his housework,taking care of kids and working a full time job. He sounds like a kid who hasn't grown-up. To me,you are the adult in this relationship.
Hang in there and keep posting. Miss you..you are of the main reason I like coming here.

equus

Just on food - I banned my hubby from cooking after he did something criminal to onions!! He does all the washing up instead and has bought some cookery books. I've said I'm happy to eat his mistakes but only if he's attempting to learn.

Lesson 1.
Do not read sci-fi books while frying onions!!!!!

*The above said he did cook mince and dumplings for me when I had to work a Saturday (needed a chisel for the dumplings though!).