Hanging On To This Board...Ain't Letting Go

Old 07-16-2002, 07:01 PM
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Ann
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Hanging On To This Board...Ain't Letting Go

Well here I am struggling again, but not giving in to my codependent insanity.

I haven't heard from my son since last Friday, and he was supposed to come over on the weekend to fix a faucet and have dinner one night. Needless to say, he didn't show up and I know he is very into his disease right now. I do worry, because he usually calls almost every day, clean or not.

He got a room in a house about 8 blocks from where I live, and I have been pulling myself away from my door, tempted to go over there and see if he is all right. I know if I do he will either be out, or using there, and there is not one reason in the world I should go. He knows he can call me or walk over here if he wants to see me, so this whole idea is insane. And when he is like this there really is nothing to talk about. He know the solution and doesn't need to be reminded. He has all the numbers and knows the detox's off my heart.

I am doing all the "do" things, praying, reading my recovery stuff, journaling, and distracting myself, but tonight it just doesn't want to kick in. And I am not liking this one tiny little bit. And I know that tomorrow will be better.

I'm okay. Not trying to have a pity party, and not really looking for advice. I guess I just need to vent a little and hang on to this board like a safety lifeline.

I am grateful it is here, and that I know you are all right there with me all the way. Love you all.
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Old 07-16-2002, 07:09 PM
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I know just how you are feeling Ann.

Sometimes you just have the need to know they are alive. Not to fix their lives or control. Just to know they are alive.

I never let myself go long feeling this way. I would call my son and make quick idle chit chat just so I could know he was still alive. It always hit me in 2 weeks. I would start worrying thinking that no one knows where I live or who I am so no one would ever call me if something happened.

I think if you just hang on your son will call. Keep busy here. I don't think you want to just go over and chance running into a bad situation.

Hugs,

MG
 
Old 07-16-2002, 07:17 PM
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You and me both Ann,

I am not in the best place myself right now either but what can we do but put one foot in front of the other and keep on keepin' on.

The Beav is in a homeless shelter right now and not calling me...I know where he is and I could call but, like you, he knows where I am and he knows my number. If I do call I am not sure that I want to listen to it...so I don't. And I am sure that he will call when he wants something from me. That has been the pattern.

You know that I am where you are and I will always be here for you. So no advice...just compassion, love and support should you need it.

((((HUGS))))))
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Old 07-16-2002, 07:18 PM
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Ann
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Thanks MG

He doesn't have a phone, so I can't call him, but he is near a pay phone and can call collect if he doesn't have a quarter.

And you are right. I would just like to know he is alive. I have asked him to carry an "in case of emergency call.."card in his pocket, but he doesn't.

And don't worry, I am NOT going over. You're right about the bad situation. Years ago when he lived about an hour away, I drove to that city, and ended up at the crack house door threatening to kick it in if they shut it on me one more time (yes sweet little old me). Stupid Stupid Stupid and very very dangerous. I think they were so surprised to see the likes of me there they opened it and he came out. We went back to his place and when I left the next morning he continued using. So THAT was one fine idea. And now I have flashbacks about that...so it was a double loss situation.

I never did that again and I never will. I really don't want to SEE it, I already get the picture.

I really will be fine. I trust my recovery enough to know that. And I knew enough to get with supportive people just in case I got stupid.

Thanks for being here.
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Old 07-16-2002, 07:20 PM
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another Mom hangin on

Hi Anns

Well I sure hear you. We went today to pick our daughter up from jail. Bought her lunch and a cheap pack of smokes(kills me cause I quite 20+ years ago ) and dropped her off at her apartment where her husband and kids are. She was so excited to see her kids she was beside herself.

Anyway, thought I would get a call tonight telling us all is ok over there. .I just asked my husband if he was surprised with no call. .he just said: " She sure calls us when she is in jail!! (He is my health barometer) The phone is shut off due to lack of payment but. .not an excuse.

But she is an adult and responsible for her own life and let the deck of cards fall where they might. Luckily she will be on 9 months probation with drug screens but that doesn't start for a month. .??? She also knows the phone numbers. .the programs. .and that she will surely go back to jail if she uses. end of story. .

So Anns. .am sending you support and strength to perservere
and not give in to the codependancy crazies. And please keep me in mind as I am going out to work the dreaded 11-7 shift tonight that I won't drop by her house on the way.

I have really been reading my literature and praying and refllecting on the steps. 1-3. .

God bless us all . .especially the mothers of addicts tonight Mo
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Old 07-16-2002, 07:27 PM
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Hi ******************{anns}}}}}}}}}}

im sorry you are having a rough day. just wanted to lend you my support too. you have always been here for me. hope tomorrow is better for you.

HUGS~

krazee
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Old 07-16-2002, 07:31 PM
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Ann
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Thanks MO and JT

I am grateful that for now my son has a room...the hostel thing scares me even more...go figure...and he also will be seeing his probation officer the first week of August and my guess is he won't show up or he will fail his urine test and end up back in jail.

Now I understand why everyone is so happy when their sons go to jail - they are safe there...LOL. Are we some sick bunch of codies or what???

Codie to Normal Mother.."I am so happy, my Clarence is in jail...got 90 days don't you know...he should be rid of the drugs by then"

Normal Mother to Codie Mother..."Jail? drugs?...Why that's just so..um..wonderful..um...I think?..is that right?..you must be proud Millie...er is "proud" a good word?

And will I still be doing this next year when I am 107? Oh lordy!!!

I feel better already. Thanks so much!!!!
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Old 07-16-2002, 07:33 PM
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Anns, with all of the support and advise you pass along, its ok to to have a little pity party every once in a while. If I were in your or the other posts shoes I don't think I could hold it together. You are all such courageous people. My oldest son is 12, his father is an alcoholic, he's had self esteem issues, doesn't to well in school although his iq is high, is ADHD and ODD (this is Oppositional Defiant Disorder), and signs of depression. I can only hope and pray that he doesn't turn to drugs and alcohol. But if he does I hope you and everyone else are still posting on this board then.

Lots of love and be strong!

Sherri
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Old 07-16-2002, 07:38 PM
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Anns, just had to add:

YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT THE JAIL THING!!!!!

With my A in jail now going on 4 months. He's talking about what could happen after sentencing. He may get a detention and diversion program which will be 10 more months. He doesn't want that, I said it may be good. Told him tonight I would rather him stay in jail or there for a longer period than come out and revert right back to his old ways.

GO JAIL GO!!!!

ps-I do love him ..... still.....don't know why.....after everything he's done to us.

Lots of love

Sherri
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Old 07-16-2002, 07:39 PM
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Wow Tweety,

I've never heard of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I'm sure my son had that too with his ADHD.

I am going to remember that term. I know a lot of people with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I'm actually quite sure I had that when I was young too.

It is tough to handle the boys with ADHD. I thought I would tear my hair out most of the time.

I do know a lot of people also with ADD and ADHD who are not addicts or alcoholics.

Hugs to all of you,

MG
 
Old 07-16-2002, 07:47 PM
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Thanks MG, When the psy diagnosed him with ODD I just about died.....laughing!!! I said, isn't that typical? I don't dwell on his diagnoses, don't have him medicated. I can handle him better than his father, in fact I have found that I am very manipulative when it comes to him. I can change his grumpy mood pretty fast just by joking around with him. He's a great kid! I also let him know that based on his IQ scores he's not fooling me one bit about school!

ODD, yea its a pretty laughable diagnosis if you ask me.

Sher
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Old 07-16-2002, 07:50 PM
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Ann
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Oh you guys are the best.

GO JAIL GO!!! Oh Tweety I am laughing so hard. How about

"RAH RAH REHAB" or "LOCK 'EM UP..LOCK'EM UP...SWAT TEAM"

Oh this is so much more fun than the crack house door. LOL

If ever there was a 'Mother of the Year" Award...we would all be up there gtting ours. Hands down.

Thank you so much for getting me laughing...I really really needed to do that. And it's not even Friday night.

And Krazeegirl - that is adorable. Thank you for the hugs.
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Old 07-16-2002, 08:02 PM
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We are a funny bunch.

I still laugh at myself when I came on the board just so excited that they kept my son in the mental hospital.

I actually had to stop with my mouth open for a minute wondering how this happened to me.

We are developing character and we are characters.

Hugs,

MG
 
Old 07-16-2002, 08:03 PM
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Ann
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I really feel much better now, and I got into my housecoat and bunny slippers, so I won't be going out.

Thank you all for being here - AGAIN. Maybe in addition to our Friday Night Dance Party..we could have a Tuesday night Pity Party...oh no..not such a good idea.

Thank you everyone - you are such a sweet family. Love you all.
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Old 07-16-2002, 11:29 PM
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So, is that what's wrong with my older
kid???? ODD,--well, he just turned 29
and he's still got it!! Ann, you do
sound alot better, this website does
wonders for me. I remember last week,
I was so down, and just venting here
and the support brought me back up again.
But I am totally dumbstruck right now,
my son is being released from jail as
we speak. I don't know what happened
today in court, but is father said he agreed upon the monitor and a court mandated program. Anyway, there I went
with expectations again, and that was----
he was going to spend some time in jail.
I am totally bummed, God forgive me.

Hugs and prayers,
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Old 07-17-2002, 02:27 AM
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************{Ann}}}}}}}}}}

I hope you are feeling better today. We are all allowed to feel low now and then, we are human. He is your son and you love him and care about him so much, its only natural to wonder and be concerned. I know how hard it is not to pick up a phone or ride by the place he is but in the long run it wouldn't have been such a great idea. It probably would have just upset you more.

I apologize for not being here last night to lend my support. Went to bed early to not smoke.....lol

Anyway, we are here for you, we love you, and any time you need us, just give a yell!!

Take care of your self.

Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie

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Old 07-17-2002, 06:02 AM
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JT
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The Beav had ADD, too. Now they refer to it as dual diagnosis with the alcoholism. he does say when he is sober he is climbing the walls. Not very long ago they had him on Adderol which is like ritalin. He has also always had self esteem issues.

Tweety, I am a manipulator too. I have have discovered that is a huge codependent trait. Rather than stating my needs I manipulate the situation. Now I finally decided begin to state my needs around my birthday and oh my God...what timing...the story of my life!!

Glad you are feeling better Ann...I may have to resort to the miracle of modern medicine if I cannot get past this grief and the terror I feel about my GS's future. But that is what those things are for right? If I have to I have to...I will function better for everyone including myself.

Hey, do you all have Mother's Clubs in your towns?? They are a bunch of yuppie (no offence anyone) mom's married to doctors and stockbrokers and they have a bunch of time on there hands so the have garden walks,art auctions etc.

Well we are a different kind of mother's club!! We are married to and gave birth to A's and all the time we have on our hands is devoted to talking to PO's, wringing our hands and posting on this board. Sort of like the Mother's of Twins Club around here!
Isn't this special!!! we could have a benefit of some sort...we could sell plastic canvas tissue box covers to raise bail money!!

Hugs all around!!
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Old 07-17-2002, 07:01 AM
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Should I have children with my A?

I have been reading alot of the posts in here for a few months now. It has been very helpful to my healing process even tho my A has been sober for over 2 yrs now and seemingly has turned his life around. We are getting married in 2 months.....I feel very positive about our future. He has one daughter (7) from a previous marriage. I guess I wanted to know from the moms....since this disease IS partially genetic, should I be concerned about having children with him, only to bring kids into the world who may well struggle with the same disease?? Maybe I overthink everything thanks to all for this board. Simply reading it does wonders for me.
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Old 07-17-2002, 07:38 AM
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I don't think you need to obsess with the way your children will turn out anymore than if they will be healthy at birth. If I did that I would be a raving lunatic. I do worry about my kids growing up and using, but I also worry about them being in a car wreck or being hurt by boyfriends or girlfriends, etc. Just have them, enjoy them. I don't think even the mother's of A's on this board would trade their children for anything in the world. They are a great gift from the HP.
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Old 07-17-2002, 08:19 AM
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Ann -

You know me I had to stick my A nose in here LOL!!!

You just hang in there, keep those bunny slippers on and hold on tight. You are doing the right thing, I am sure the waiting is horrible, but it is the right thing to do.

By the way, it is the ducks opinion that if there was a Mother of The Year Award, all you moms on these Anon Boards would definately win. I admire you all so much, and I get so much strength from all of you.

God Bless !!!

Quack!!
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