Freakin out

Old 07-16-2002, 12:01 PM
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Freakin out

Hey gang,

My A finally came home Saturday (from a business trip) and it took me until this morning to work up the nerve to talk with him about my concerns of his addictions. His 1st responce was laughing and he said I was crazy, then I needed to talk to my minister, then he said why didn't I have him committed and he could sit around and do crossword puzzles all day. (He said he would love that) Then he got mad and called me names, said he already had enough pressure on him with work and coaching my son in football and he didn't need me b****ing too. He said it would be easier to wright me a check than deal with it sooooooo, he got out of bed packed his office (he is self employed and of course I maintain all the books) desks, computer, books tables, lamp and of course the business checkbook and LEFT!!!! Didn't even tell his kids anything!!!! That is my job I guess. I can't quit crying long enough to do anything. It took EVERY fiber in my body to not try to stop him. I don't even have a REAL job, what am I going to do?? I work at my church pre-school teaching. Love the job, but not very much pay. Guess I'll cross those bridges later.

I've gotta go talk to the kids, wish me luck!
Constant
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Old 07-16-2002, 12:27 PM
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Constant,
SIt still for a minute, and take a deep breath. Stop letting your mind wander on all the what ifs. First of all you will have to feel what is happening here. That is normal. Second of all everything he said to you and did is typical. I and dozens here have heard those remarks and seen those actions. It's called DENIAL. They want to place blame on someone or something, they will make you feel like **** in the process.

One thing at a time is all you worry about. From what is most important to taking care of the kids. YOU CAN DO IT!! You have BEEN doing it!

Were here for you! Keep coming back here....feel what your feeling, but know a better day and better feelings are coming real soon.

Focus on what you have too....do what you have to do to take care of yourself, and breathe.

Love ya!
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Old 07-16-2002, 12:44 PM
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JT
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Constant,

Bon Bon said what I was thinking...typical! What was he suppose to say? " Oh darn... never thought of that. Thank you for pointing it out."??

And if his response remains typical you WILL be hearing from him. I have been told that I am crazy, have been told that it is my fault and I have been told that his life sucked enough without me getting on him, too.

But the behavior you discribed is NOT typical, except for someone who is addicted. Listen to your gut. We are easily convinced, it is so easy for them to get us to doubt ourselves. Try to remember that.
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Old 07-16-2002, 03:51 PM
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One day at a time, Constant. You can do it. And I bet you find a little peace while he is gone.

Typically what happens (if you read the posts here) is just about the time you are okay and have pulled through the crisis, they call and say "I am so sorry, I love you...just let me come home and I will think about help." We call this Quacking, because they all say the same things. It becomes a roller coaster...they get mad and leave, you ride down the coaster, they say they are sorry and have changed, you ride up the coaster, they use again and down you go. You can get off the ride and leave the park.

The important thing right now is to get help for yourself and your children. Don't be afraid to tell the church what is happening...they may have more work for you now that you are available. And try going to a meeting where the support and recovery may save your life - I know because it saved mine.

Meanwhile, try to relax and not panic, and find some peace so you can think clearly. Write down your concerns and options, that helps too.

We are all here for you anytime, so please feel free to post as often as you like. We'll walk you through this as best we can.

And our prayers are with you.
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Old 07-16-2002, 08:44 PM
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Well he showed back up about 10:30 and wouldn't you know it he had been drinking! What a surprise! Of course my 11 year was so excited that he is back, now he thinks everything is OK. Nevermind that he was drunk and complaining of starving because he hadn't had anything to eat. The A asked our 11year old to make him a sandwich ( which of course he did) and bring it to him in bed, then asked our 7 year old to borrow 5 bucks. Not sure what that is for. You guessed it, now he is passed out. I really don't know how to handle the kids with him. I tried to explain to the 11 year old that his dad needed help stop drinking and my seven year old said he would be home by Thursday.(he must already have him figured out) of course my two year old is clue less.

Well enough rambling tonight. I have to sleep because I have CPR certification in the am.

I am lookin for a local al-anon group, and do have a great group of friends at the Church who are very supportive.

Thanks ladies
Constant
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Old 07-17-2002, 04:04 PM
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Oh my dear constant, these are difficult days. It doesn't surprise me in the least that he came back after storming out. An addict is a very dependent person--on drinking AND on you.

What you told your kids "Daddy needs help to stop drinking" is spot-on, IMO. Good for you. No need to sugar-coat it.

I hope you have some luck finding an al-anon group--it's definitely worth it. Some do offer child care.

Meanwhile--I realize you have no time for this, but try this web site www.gettingthemsober.com and the book GETTING THEM SOBER by Toby Rice Drews. The library will get it for you, or order it online, maybe? Anyway (EDITORIAL TIME HERE): I have serious trouble with the title of this book because it implies you can get a drunk to get sober, which is simply not true. No idea why they chose that title. I guess because early on, we all think we can do this. Anyway, title aside, the book is phenomenal. Short and to the point, an easy read. I highly recommend it. There is a chapter on this phenomenon exactly--the A leaving, then coming back, manipulating, etc.

Quiet here. After raging over the ultimatum ("separation of assets" agreement), my husband has been sober 4 days and has an appointment Friday morning with an alcohol counselor. So in the short (VERY short) run, he's "waking up." Hard work ahead for us all, though.

Best of luck to you and your kids. Take care,
marie
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Old 07-18-2002, 07:42 AM
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Thank you Marie. So glad to hear that your A is going to seek help. I understand that that doesn't necessarily "fix" things, but for me I would feel that all avenues had been exhausted if my A were to admit his addiction and try to begin recovery even if our relationship still didn't make. I guess it is the guilt thing that really keeps me tied down. I am working on that. Good luck to you and yours and many prayers coming your way.

My A has moved his home office as result of his storming out a couple of days ago. He still returns in the evening and expects that I should have dinner prepared for him. Apparently he has swept my comments under the rug once again and is pretending that the confrentation didn't occur. Will have to repeat them again I guess. Just waiting on the right moment. You know, when the kids will give us some breathing room and quit trying to "repair" us.

Today I am taking the day off of life. It is my Birthday so I am going to do no housework, and take the kids to the pool. Will worry about the bills tomorrow.

Constant
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Old 07-18-2002, 11:50 AM
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Hi Constant

My experience has shown me that addicts generally tune out our "comments and confrontations" and it they do respond at all it is to what we DO not SAY. Kind of like when kids ignore the mom that yells all the time.

When we try to have discussions with the addict it is like trying to reason with a child. They really do not have the emotional maturity necessary to converse as an adult. Have you ever heard that an addict stops growing emotionally when they pick up their first drug/drink?

Just as we believe all the empty promises from the addict despite evidence to the contrary. . .the addict will be forced to some extent to look at our actions rather than our empty threats, nagging and ultimatums.

So are you making him dinner every evening? Do you want to make him dinner? Remember the focus is on you.
Blessing Mo
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