Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Alcoholics
Reload this Page >

Grandfather was an alcoholic: My Mother's relationship with me and my siblings



Grandfather was an alcoholic: My Mother's relationship with me and my siblings

Old 12-30-2004, 05:47 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Pittsburgh Pa
Posts: 1
Grandfather was an alcoholic: My Mother's relationship with me and my siblings

I just left my 14 year old daughter's counseling session tonight. It seems that her counselor feels I should consider attending Ala-non meetings. I've taken on the role of caretaker, peacemaker, responsible child, you name it and I'm the one who tries to keep everyone happy. Anger and resentment have finally taken a toll on my body.....ulcers and other health issues are a reality and my daughter, the best thing that has ever happened to me, has taken on the burden of worrying about me and my happiness.....and so the cycle continues.

I have to decide how I'm going to show her that I can make changes to better my life....and I'm not sure how I can do it. My Father, who has been battling lung cancer for the past few years, has begun chemotherapy again. My Mother, who's father was the alcoholic and whose mother left her and her siblings when my Mother was 7, has started to shut down. She's having a difficult time taking care of my Father. For the past two years I have been there through all of the doctor's appointments, the radiation treatments, the chemotherapy, the surgery, the complications following the surgery, and now the reoccurence of the cancer.

I have (4) older sisters, three of which do not live here. One older sister does live in town and is an attorney with very little extra time to help out with my parents. She and my brother-in-law, who is my boss by the way I have a full time job), are angry with my Mother and feel that she is taking advantage of me......I'm accomodating my parents by driving them to the appointments....I'm trying to take some of the stress off them both.....I feel guilty because this takes away time from my husband, my children, and my job responsibilities. I feel that I'm juggling 10 balls in the air and at any moment they are all going to fall to the ground.

I'm on antidepressants and will begin an anti-anxiety drug after the holidays....I realize that I can't keep this up but I don't have anyone that I can go to for help. I don't know if anyone can relate to my family history....I'm just trying to see if there are any suggestions on how to get my life back.....how to be happy again......how to stop the selfless cycle I've become intangled in.....especially for my children!

That's why I'm missing in PA.....I've somehow lost myself and need to find my way home.
MissinginPA is offline  
Old 12-30-2004, 07:35 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
jojo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Missing -

I'm sorry that you are feeling so low. Illness in the family can take a toll on everyone - especially the one that takes on the burden of trying to make every one feel better. Can your parents or your sisters and their families have the financial resources to pay someone to come in and do some of the caretaking or to do the driving to the doctor and the hospital? Maybe that would help take some of the stress off of you and you could just visit on a regular basis as a loving daughter who wants to visit. Try talking to your familiy about solutions instead of taking the burden upon your self. Your family needs you too.

Hugs, Jo
jojo is offline  
Old 12-31-2004, 05:49 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Radar
 
Karivan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Hi Missing... If you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, you'll think she wrote it about you. You may get more out of a CODA (Codependent) meeting if there is one near you but Al-anon will help. Try this web site to find a meeting. http://www.codependents.org/

Just from what I read in your post, you're really codependent and take on everyone else's burden's until you're staggering under them. If you don't find some middle ground and let others take some of the responsibility from you, you may find yourself with major health problems.

Just for today... do something nice for yourself. Take a walk, take a bubble bath, or listen to some nice soothing music.

Try the web site and keep posting. We care...
Karivan is offline  
Old 12-31-2004, 06:59 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
hi missing, your story is very close to mine, however, it was my mother with cancer and she died. i really understand what you are going through and i know it is tearing you apart. the up side of it is though- it is good to have someone with your parents at those dr visits because "they" will not be able to hear everything the dr is telling them, and an extra pair of ears will help to hear the things that they did not -sometimes they get fixated on one word and never hear the rest. you could also try to find some visiting nurses organization which may be able to come in and help around the house, the hospital may be able to guide you in that respect. i am sorry to hear you are going through this- you will definitely need some down time for yourself.
escape artist is offline  
Old 12-31-2004, 08:16 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Caring for the 3 little bears
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
I understand. My mother suffered for 5 years with cancer before she died. My 3 siblings all live out of town, and my father was having an affair (26 years total!) so, he was unavailable. Fortunately, my mother could drive herself for a long time. However, my husband has been disabled due to an accident, and we have nurses, rehab people, come to the house. There are also many services available through the county. Even help with rides to and from doctor appointments. I would think the doctors office or the county or cancer support groups or hospitals, etc could help you find some of these services. It will relieve some pressure off you and your mother. And, it may give your dad some "other" company too.
If your parents have any friends or cancer support group people, these people are usually very generous in helping too.

Maybe you could check all this out and then once a week sit down with your parents and plan out the next week, so all three of you know who was taking them when and where. This would be a great way for you to help them, and yet free up some of your busy schedule. And, you would feel good that the week is taken care of and not feel guilty any longer!

Take care of yourself! I know we have all heard this before, if you don't take care of yourself, you can't truly take care of anyone else.
wraybear is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:49 AM.