ellima01

MY AH has been sober (by the grace of God) for three 1/2 weeks today. He has been to a meeting every day until yesterday. He was i SUCH a foul mood yesterday and the day before. He wanted to get sober and sarted going to AA 3 weeks ago- this isn't the first sober spell we've had- but it is the only one that wasn't promted by jail or some other thing. Any way no meeting yesterday- not going today. I haven't even mentioned MEETING to him, should I? Or is it best not to say a word. I can't go back to the way it was before- the cursing, soitting, horrible drunk I was living with has been my husband again. My son actually wants to be around him. I am so terrified- waiting for the other shoe to fall- I had a panic attack last night- I am so stressed. I know I can do nothing if he wants to go back to that life- but I don't want to lose him AGAIN.
help

jlu

Elimma,

I am having the same problem today. My AH has been clean (again) for 16 days. He has been going to meetings and doing what he's supposed to do. But today he has been edgy and irritable. Making mountains out of molehills. Over-reacting to everything. Acting almost exactly the way he was the last time he relapsed. And when I see that I say something to him... usually just to tell him to relax and talk to me or to make a phone call. I had a hard time at first knowing whether I should or not but I usually say it and then let it go (or at least try really hard to).

I also know what you mean about not wanting to go back to the way it was. That's the scariest thing for me.

So today instead of badgering him (which is what I was inclined to do) I opened up my One Day at a Time in Al-Anon book and looked in the back and found the pages where it talked about control and kept read each one until something finally struck.....

I will not give reality to trouble that may never come. And I've been repeating it in my head for the past 2 hours.

Hang in there. Take the focus off him. I know, easier said than done....

Don't give reality to trouble that may never come.

JennyK

I did read something once about withdrawl from alcohol being very difficult physically at 3 days, 3 weeks and 3 months. Sorry, I can't recall the source, but I do remember when my husband stopped drinking (did not get sober, just stopped drinking) 2 years ago, he had terrible shakes at 3 days, was horribly cranky at 3 weeks and started drinking again at 3 months.

I hope you get through this and take good care of yourself.

Jenny

jlu

Jenny, I remember reading something like that too. And then again at 90 days and some other days that I don't remember. Whatever I read also pointed out that it sort of correlated to when AA gave out sobriety coins and that's why they gave them when they did... because those were the most difficult periods to get through.

I also try to remind myself that any habit is hard to break and sometimes it takes more than one try to "get it right".

FormerDoormat

It may take "more than one try to get it right" as you say, but how many times are you willing to go through this? Since you're now having panic attacks, your husband's problem is obviously affecting your health, not to mention your happiness.

Sounds like your husband is not ready to get help or he would attend his meetings without any encouragement from you. And we all know that encouraging or nagging an alcoholic to attend AA meetings accomplishes nothing.

We're all learning that we have no influence over anyone's behavior except our own. The only thing we can do is to work on the things we can change--we can work on ourselves. And once we're on the road to recovery and can think more clearly, we can make the right decisions for ourselves. Decisions that are no longer based on fear of being alone, pity over a person who refuses to get help, or a need to save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

Best of luck to you.

wraybear

I would get educated on pre-symptoms of relapse and sit down with him sometime when he is doing well and ask him if YOU, YOURSELF notice symptoms, how would he like you to bring it up to him. See what he says, put the ball in his court. My AH and I talked about these, as a matter of fact, years ago we had a print-out of those symptoms handy and he told me it was okay for me to bring it up. This may not work with some AH's but mine has always asked me to remind him about these things, to help make him more aware of it. Now that I think about it, I looked at it as putting the ball in his court, but he was probably somehow manipulating me, so then it became MY JOB to warn him of the pre-relapse symptoms, and if I didn't warn him then it became my fault that he relapsed?!?!?!? go figure - don't listen to me. I don't know what I am talking about! lol