Girlfriend

My Alcoholic boyfriend is always telling me that he loves me more than anything.

But, he knows that I will never marry him while he's still drinking. He's going to therapy and has a few good days, but then he drinks again. Says he's gonna quit and then drinks again. It's a never ending cycle.

I know that if he really wanted to.....he'd work harder at quitting. I used to drink and I quit 10 years ago because I really wanted to. Thank God I've never gone back to it and don't want to.

Do they even know what love is while drinking? Or is it just something that they say?

DefofLov

The world may never know *X-files theme music playing*

ahcb

Girlfriend.,

They know. But it should not matter to you. Until he is sober plan on no future with him. My advice run away now.....

Gabe

Oh, they know about love.
They know about it a lot.
That knowledge gets lost in their addiction.
Too bad.
It's the best part of them.
When he really wants to...he will quit.
It's up to him.
In the meantime, you can still have a happy life.
That part is up to you.

Lorelai

My husband found it really easy to say things. I learned to look to his actions. He has always said he loved me - constantly. But, as someone else on these boards pointed out, love is a verb. Even though he said he loved me, it didn't feel like love. Maybe he does love me but just hearing the words was not enough for me.
L

Peaches04

Hi girlfriend! Im with Lorelai - "love" is just a word, unless they do the actions to give the word meaning. I wish I hadn't let the words "I love you" have so much power over me... I now look at actions and actions only. I would recommend the same to anyone in our position. We codies are easily controlled by the thought that somebody loves us, for some reason. but, do they really? or do they love the fact that they can drink and ruin their lives and have someone willing to stand by and support them while they do it?? Maybe that's the love he feels...who knows? I'm just thinking out loud...

jessieandme2003

I have to join in here. I also wish I didn't fall simply for those words said with so much passion behind them. I put up with so much because of those words. I gave up so much because of those words. I settled for so little because of those words.

And then, finally, when I was starting to work through Al Anon and learn more about myself and my codependence, my best friend said to me...
Actions speak louder than words.

So simple it is cliche, yet it spoke volumes.

My AH never did the things that other loving husbands do. Those daily acts of selflessness and self sacrifice that both people exhibit in a healthy relationship. I could not hope for those from him, as Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and the selfishness grows greater with time.

Girlfriend

Wow! Thank you all for your input!!


I didn't realize that I was caught back up in the co-dependant thing. I was married to a physically/mentally abusive man for 8 years, had two beautiful kids with him, but left him (taking the kids with me) 20 years ago. I knew that I was a co-dependant back then, but prided myself on not having those kind of relationships after that. The couple that I had since then were healthy until this one. Ended on good terms, nothing toxic.

I've come through two of thee most painful years. I lost both of my parents suddenly and had stomach cancer (which is gone, thank God!). I'm getting older and this boyfriend is a great friend that I had as far back as the 7th grade. We were always great friends throughout the years.

So, I guess after coming through these last two years of a dark period, I wanted to feel like that 13 yr old again and just looked past his drinking thinking that he'd give it up.

I guess I need the healing work done on myself again, so that I can see this is the light that it is.

Thank you for the insight.