Ragdoll

First I must apologize as I posted this in the thread that began like "I'm new, my husband is an alcoholic" and I feel now I may have appeared rude posting to her dilemma. I just get afraid of being so forward - as if the whole world can actually see me. Anyway, I'll be brave and start again here (and I must also apologize for my inability to be brief with my explanations):

As for the concern that AA may encourage separations, I am afraid of just the opposite. I am trying to get a divorce from my alcoholic husband and I'm scared that Al-Anon will try to encourage me to stay with him. My heart has been checked out of this marriage for about four years now after I felt I tried every way possible to wake him up (he's also an insulin dependent diabetic). With the help of Paxil which allowed me to take a step back and just watch what was going on rather than scream and cry and vent (I've since safely gotten off it as I couldn't stand the extreme lack of emotion it caused), I realized that it wasn't going to be me to help him, it had to be him - he now has two pending 3rd offense OWI's, recently did 20 days in jail for a 2nd offense OWI for which I drove him to and from jail for work release with our three kids every day, tens of thousands of dollars in lawyers fees and numerous other $1000's in bills including a $9000 hospital bill for what I now believe was a possible suicide attempt by not taking his insulin and not telling anyone (no insurance either because he lost his job months before for wrecking a dealership demo) all as a result of his problem.

All the while, since I have known him, his family has continued to enable him (I know I'm guilty of enabling also) and tell me I am the cause of his drinking and subsequent legal and financial problems. I've supposedly made him so depressed and made him go out drinking and threaten to take the kids from me, leave me out on the street with nothing and he has even threatened suicide (verbally and with actions) whenever I said I wanted a divorce. I've only threatened divorce when I really meant it - in these past few years. It was never a tactic to upset him or scare him, it was meant, just not acted upon soon enough. My heart totally checked out of it all. I know I can't risk sinking any deeper especially with our three kids. I can't continue to set this horrible example of putting up with his garbage and risk instilling all the wrong values and morals into these three impressionable little minds. I can't allow them to see how not to treat a woman and how not to treat a man as I know I've said my share of horrible things to him. And I can't pretend that our problems do not exist for the sake of the kids. They're so aware of it all no matter how much you try to hide it.

Since I finally filed 4 months ago and still have every intention of following through, he's moved an hour and a half away to his mother's, away from our three children 6,5 and 3. He has cried to his family about how I made him leave and leave his kids. His mother out of pity for him and anger towards me has been paying his bills and even giving him bar money while he can't make our court ordered family support payments. Our mortgage is now months behind among all the other bills. We are not eligible for aid because he most definitely makes enough money. And he continues to cry to his mother (also an alcoholic) as she hands him whatever he wants. I truly believe that is because she cannot suggest to him he has a problem since she would then have to admit her own. She tells him she does not believe he is an alcoholic. She even does not believe he is a diabetic despite his insulin dependence - and she is a nurse - a psych nurse nonetheless! It's like she is taking her own son down with her and allowing him to continue to destroy his own family just as she and his father (they divorced when he was young) did to their family. He has called me numerous times telling me how he can't take it anymore from her yet believes her over me.

The final straw for him to realize his true disease was on my birthday early December. It was his weekend with his kids at his mother's. He works minutes from here, travels from his mother's every day to and from work (on a revoked). He insisted on stopping here the night before my birthday, a Saturday, for a birthday beer which turned into three which I kept telling him not to do. He left on good terms with me so I thought. Little did I know it was to supposedly commit suicide on my birthday. He never made it back to his mother's where our kids were. He did attempt to call me at 3:30am from his cell - I do not answer his calls so late as he's usually drunk and figured if it was an emergency relating to our kids, he'd have left a message. His mother called me that Sunday morning of my birthday and demanded I drive down and pick up my kids while refusing, almost laughingly, to tell me what was wrong with him. Despite my cries, she would not tell me even if he was okay, not in a hospital or jail, nothing - insisting it's none of my business and that I do not care. I have never told him I don't care about him - he knows that. Because of our heated conversation (she even stuck the phone to my 5 year old's ear while I was yelling and laughed at me as she told me I was unknowingly yelling at him), I brought along a local police officer to get my children and have legal documentation of the situation and that they would not let me know of his whereabouts or his vehicle (our vehicle). With refusal or claims of not knowing his whereabouts, I could file a missing persons report and/or report the vehicle missing - all backing for my lawyer and the judge if he made screwy claims with the divorce. Since she would not allow me in her home, the officer had to physically remove each of my children, my two boys 6 and 5 were bewildered, my youngest daughter screaming and crying as she didn't know what was going on. We left, got home and I called every law enforcement and hospital in every county from here to there. I've called jails and hospitals in the past when he's not made it home - I know I should have been stronger and let it go but I was so scared. I was relieved I did not find him in any of those places. I contacted his sister in law that Monday morning and explained how no one would tell me what was wrong. She got word to him, he called me and told me how he was going to kill himself on my birthday. He got an OWI that night - I suppose that was a good thing if his true intentions were to kill himself.

And now he has 2 pending 3rd offense OWI's - if one is a conviction, the next goes to 4th offense. As a result, he has finally put himself into counseling/treatment. He's being nice as pie now knowing how much he's screwed up and learning more every day. I'm proud of him but afraid to express how much I care for fear of giving him the wrong impression - that I want the marriage. I'm scared to attend Al-Anon or similar for fear that I will be told that I am so wrong for wanting to move on. I want to be his friend and work at being the best parents we can for our kids if he will allow that. The kids so far seem to sleep better with him not here and are more calm and caring and understanding. I'm sure it's a combination of less stress on their little minds and the fact that I am less stressed also which makes it easier on them. I get them excited about spending time with him and have them call him, etc. I'm scared that I am just full of wishful thinking just as it's been for the past ten years of our marriage? I truly want what is best for him and he now says the same for me but I'm afraid he's saying that while in the back of his mind he's holding out hope for something I do not want. Am I so wrong? I will meet his counselor in a couple days and then I hope I'll have a better idea of what to expect from him and if Al-Anon will be right for me.

In the meantime, I've read Getting Them Sober and will begin volume 4 while waiting for the volumes 2 and 3 by mail. The book was a true eye-opener. I only wish I had known of the book(s) so many years ago. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Good luck to all - I'm amazed at how diverse yet similar all of our situations end up being.

jojo

Ragdoll-

I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time. Alanon doesn't teach you to leave or to stay. Alanon is all about putting the focus on yourself and taking it off the alcoholic. You will find people that have left their spouses as well as those who are trying to find a way to stay and still be happy. So feel easy about attending Alanon. No one is going to tell you that you should stay with him. If you feel that you need to walk away then you have every right to do so. I did. Although I still care for him I had reached the point where my feelings were too damaged to stay. You are not responsible for how he chooses to live his life. Whatever you do, take care of yourself and your kids. Give Alanon a try.

Hugs, Jo

wraybear

Ragdoll, I feel you are in a place I was just about 10 weeks ago. Enjoy the peace in your home without him. Let your children enjoy the peace. I know it seems odd for me to be suggesting that you could possibly have peace, but you can.

You ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING! Do not allow his family to make you feel guilty. You did not cause this to happen. You can't do anything about it. All you can do is take care of yourself and your children. The court should be able to help you get some child support. You must do what you must do for your sake and for your children's sake. You can HATE addiction and still love the person, but that doesn't mean you have to live with him or subject yourself to his manipulations. Yes, many A's do commit suicide. But, you have absolutely no control over what he does or says he is going to do. I have seen this written several times here over the past ten weeks... I am not divorcing the man I married, that man no longer exists.

Take care of yourself! Try to enjoy those kiddos and find some peace!

Dee at Mt Bully

Ragdoll-Jo is right--no one at alanon will tell you to stay with or leave your AH.
Alanon is about you and your recovery from living with an alcoholic. It will help you
to be around other people who are learning the same things and believe it or not
recovering from similar situations. It sounds like you have had a very rough go of it
and I certainly understand why you checked out. Hopefully your AH will stay in recovery and be able to be a parent. It sounds like the deck was stacked against him
with his mother and all. You should make choices for yourself and your children and
do not allow yourself to be blackmailed with suicide threats. Hopefully he will not
make them any more since he is in recovery. There are a lot of people here and in alanon to help and support you as you heal from this. Please keep in touch.
Smiles--Dee