The provoker

Old 12-28-2004, 09:42 AM
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The provoker

I just read the post on enabling and I am definately the provoker. I like others in that post don't get something though. If I act like nothing happened then why should he care if something did. He only embarasses himself in front of my self and his son. He has convinced himself that his son does not see it. I can not wait for 10 years until he realizes his son does because then the damage will be done to my son. Any financial complications I of course am going to cover because we share money. If he sinks financially, I sink, my son sinks. I have taken pictures of his actions, mostly so I can prove his problem if I ever had to fight for costody, but he still says the pictures are not what they look like or laughs. If I do not let him know it was a problem then I feel like I am enabling him. I take care of me, I shelter my son, but I can not act like nothing happened. Then I would not be taking care of me. The stress of trying to put on a happy face would eat me up.
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Old 12-28-2004, 11:40 AM
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in my opinion do what you need to do to provide for yourself and your kids...meaning if that is pay th ebils etc...if he benefits (which most of them do) fine but don't go out of your way to please him with things he wouldn't or can't do for himself.....
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Old 12-28-2004, 12:44 PM
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Clyde, Most of us are enablers in some way. It is hard to be inrelationship with an active a without enabling. It is hard to know how to reduce or stop enabling. Give up on the convincing him that he has a problem because he won't believe you until he is ready. I use to think that if I said just the right thing hubby would realize what he is doing is wrong. But it won't happen. The thing to focus on is whether you can live with the situation as it is right now? Can you be happy in the situation if it never changes? I found that I could be happier than I was in the same situation. If you don't want your son to see the behavior you will probably need to leave the relationship. You don't have to put on a happy face, but trying to convince him is wastig your time. Take care,.
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Old 12-28-2004, 10:18 PM
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thank you Rose

I just want ot say thank you. You are the first person to cut through all the crap and say I just want ot say thank you. You are the first person to cut through all the crap and say The thing to focus on is whether you can live with the situation as it is right now? Can you be happy in the situation if it never changes? I take the question to heart since you know what I am going through. The fact is that I can not be happy if nothing changes so chances are we are going to divorce. He has 4 weeks to decide if he wants to come home but he has to be on the wagon to get in the door. I know I can not change him but this is his wake up call, his bottom. I am not hopeful. But either way I will have done what I need to for myself and my son.
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Old 12-29-2004, 08:22 AM
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dear clyde, i am very new to doing the steps of al-anon, but i am the provoker as well. the new member info packet i got at my first meeting made me furious to understand my role as the provoker. and in desperation i did do as they said and act as if nothing happened. i truly know how you feel about this.
the MIRACLE is when they are unable to project their ANGER on you which is the anger you direct back at them and when they do not have the ability to create the ANXIETY in you, they are only left with Themself to feel their own anger and anxiety from what they have done. and they KNOW very well what they have done, they just want your anger to justify their reason to return to drink!
YOU WILL SEE A CRACK IN THE VENEER EVEN THE 1st TIME YOU
DETACH! IT is A MIRACLE! Just stay on the path!
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