onlyGODcanjudge

Hello all, I'm new to this site and needed a place to go and talk to others about my problems. Here is my situation in brief. I am married just one year to a man who has been in recovery for ten years and has managed to stay clean for the whole ten years (and i'm very proud of him for that) but up until two weeks ago he had not been to a meeting or church in a year and a half. While he says he has not picked up a drink in all that time (and I believe him) he certainly has changed. He's mad all the time, gets angry at me for things that I might see as little things, blames for things that go wrong, and i just recently found out that he has been using the internet to gain access to singles websites and look and naked womens pictures. Two weeks ago he looked me in the eyes and lied to me about purchasing a cell phone with our money that i knew nothing about and used it to talk to a women in New Orleans on. ( A women who he has been talking to on the phone and lied about for the past three weeks) Anyway, he cried and apologized over and over again and just kept his head hung low. I wanted to leave him because I was tired of him telling me everything was my fault but I didnt. I forgave him and stayed. Just last night I told him that he hurts me when he says mean things to me like shut up, or you fool: i told him i'm not going to take it anymore and he's says i'm sorry - i can try not to do it anymore. He started going to meetings again since this happened but I'm so confused (or so stupid). I cried out for us to go to marrage counseling two times. the first time we went to one sessions and he said he didnt like the counselor so i told him to pick anyone he'd like to go to and he never did. I'm still waiting. I love hime a lot but feel so confused. My mother keeps telling me love is not enough. :hello2

Mandybabes

Hi, I am no marriage conselor, but it seems you have been married a very short time to be putting up with these ugly problems. Perhaps you could pick out another conselor to go to and tell him he must go or else. If not it may be time to bail out before things get more complicated, say with children. If he is verbally abusive to you he might be as well with children. How would that sit with you? Your mother is right, sometimes love is not enough, especially if it makes you miserable. Good Luck.

NoMoBeer

Ken here, alcoholic.

I'm pretty newly sober, but I know enough about my program that your hubby is a classic example of "dry drunk" vs. sober. Thank you, thank you , thank you for reminding me that I cannot do this without my AA program.

I am no professional, and can offer no advice on your marriage per se, but are you involved in Al Anon? It may help with your half of the situation. You have to deal with your life either way, and realize that you are responsible for your feelings and actions, not his. I would check out Al Anon for your own piece of mind if you can.

I hope and pray everything works out for you.

Ken

Don S

I don't believe his behavior has anything to do with whether he's drinking or not drinking. He's being boorish, disrespectful of you and your marriage, and it sounds as though he's verbally abusive.

I'd suggest you go to counseling. If he goes, great. If not, go anyway. It'll probably benefit you either way. If he goes, you can work on expressing your emotions effectively and communicating better. If he doesn't, your counselor can help you learn ways to accept his behavior if you choose to do that, learn how to set boundaries for what you will and won't accept, or just decide if you're going to put up with this anymore.

Regardless, I'm sorry you're so frustrated, and you're probably feeling pretty betrayed. Those would be normal feelings! Don't let anyone tell you that you have caused their behavior. Take care of yourself, and keep posting here.

Don S

Time2Surrender

hi,I just wanted to welcome you to SoberRecovery.This is a great place with graet people and a lot of support.I dont have much advice for your marriage.I am also a recovering alcoholic.And when i slack off on meetings and stop working a program,thongs start to go bad rather quickly.If your husband is into porn now,he could have a new addiction.And hopefully he will realize that and do something about it."Trading one addiction for another,is like trading seats on the Titanic.Either way,your going down"

CAPTAINZING2000

My Thoughts On This, Program Or No Program His Behavior Isn't Acceptable. You Have Some Major Trust Issues As Well As Respect. I Din't Catch Where You Live. There An Absence Problem As Well? Slips Like Affairs For The Most Part Are Planned Out.

There Any Open Meetings You Two Can Go Together? Do You Sit Down And Have A Face To Face About What You Need In Your Marriage?