Tweeezzlo

I have been dating a female alcoholic for the last 14 months. She has been sober for the last 3 months. I convinced her to seek help, now that she is sober, she has become very distant. what should i do?

Tweeezzlo

I have been dating a female alcoholic for the last 14 months. She has been sober for the last 3 months. I convinced her to seek help, now that she is sober, she has become very distant. what should i do?

gelfling

Hi Tweeeee,

Welcome to SR...Have you attended any alanon meetings? It's a good start for you. You'll meeting other people who are in similar circumstances and they can give you advice and suggestions.

The distance with a recovering alcoholic is nothing unusual. There's a lot going on in their brains...processing what has happened and will happen, fear, acceptance, maintaining their sobriety. It's nto an easy time for them.

That's one of the primary reasons you should attend alanon meetings. Look on line or a phone directory and you'll find some near you.

Blessings, Kathy

Truth

that is what happened to me and my boyfriend. i thought things would get better ( not that they were awful) when he got sober but instead it brought up a whole new issue for him. now he has to deal with all of his emotions that he was pushing away with alcohol and it has been difficult for him. he is questioning everything and doesn't seem to know who is anymore or how he feels about himself or me. well i couldn't stay there knowing that he is so unsure about me and has a lot of growing to do so we broke up two weeks ago. it was one of the hardest things that i had to do but ultimately even if we get back together one day, he has to take the time to work on himself and heal and i need time to work on my stuff to. there has to be a reason why i got involved with an alcoholic ( although a high functioning one) so i decided that in a ddition to therapy which i had already been in for years i would go to CODA meetings which are extremely helpful. it is helping me thru this extremely tough time and causing me to have major insight into my feelings and why i do what i do. anyway ur not alone and i hope it helps to know that

dax

If she is going to Aa , she is learning that she has to concentrate on herself , and only herself,to stay sober. Aa does not do much to help relationships- except maybe hurt them.. Some members may be telling her there is no room in her life for a relationship at this time. You might ask to go to some open AA meetings with her. If she refuses, I would consider cooling the relationship. dax

ahcb

Gee Dax what a way to reassure him. Tweeezzlo, i have been married for 17 years to a woman who is an alcoholic. She has been 13 months sober and works the program attending meetings 3-4 times a week. The first few months were tough. She drinks. That is what she did. every day (strange except when pregnant) every day for 18 years until drunk or real close-and then. a bad family situation-she has to quit- she does.

DAX AA perhaps dont teach them about relationships but hell untill they get sober your dealing with a drunk. WHat kind of relationship is that

I would suggest hanging here, and also talking to her. My wife was worried about what i would think of her would i still love her. Amazing. There was some distance, and quiet times, but i believe it gets better. It takes time. Have you talked to her about this. Ask her what is the best way to help, to support her. I do not believe AA says that you have no time for a relationship, they may say you need a supportive one, with a B/F or G/F they dont have to baby sit. What they are doing is very difficult. The fact you are asking about her shows you care. Also talk to her....

dax

ahcb- I am only talking from 25 years of alanon and being around the AA program.. It is wonderful you have a sober spouse. a word of advice. Please know her friends in the program and insist she only share with other women. I did not do this. He sponsored and shared with women as well as men. 12 years into sobriety one of these friendships went too far. He was gone to 10 to 12 meetrings a week. The alanon in me , said do not question. This was a mistake. Our marriage is forever compromised. I feel I can never trust again. dax

wraybear

Dax, I get what you are saying. Some say we should have no expectations. I think that may be true when they are using. But, once they have been sober we should be able to expect and ask for certain things, and they should be able to do the same. As far as I am concerned, that is COMMUNICATION and that is what makes a marriage stronger!
I am sorry this happened to you. It must be a horrible thing. But, I hope things are better now.

Chy

I'm a recovering female in AA and my relationship with my husband has never been better. AA didn't hurt it, it helped it. With time, I learned to find myself enabling me to work hard on my relationship.

Because some have had a bad experiance with their recovering A in AA, doesn't blanket the program for inevitable failure for all.

ahcb

CHY,

Thank you for adding your thoughts here. On this site there seems to be a majority of woman (why? dont know) and it frustrates me to see people say AA will ruin a relationship. My wife was getting worse. A will eventually kill you. And what type of relationship is that...If your prone to stray your prone to stray. The location means nothing. Dax, what happend is unfortunate. But is AA to blame? If he met her bowling would you warn us about bowling?

Tweeezzlo, you asked what you should do. She is sober, so wait it out a bit. See what happens. DO NOT get married util your sure.