HANDS OFF THE ADDICT - and other great advice

Old 07-14-2002, 09:49 AM
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Ann
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HANDS OFF THE ADDICT - and other great advice

Over the past several months I have received great support and advice here, and I want to share some that were the most instrumental in my recovery.

After the welcoming hugs, and tissues to wipe my tears, I was comforted enough to start listening to those with years of recovery in place. Sometimes the advice seemed harsh, but the "skillet whack" was what I needed to make me shake my head and start DOING something to change.

HANDS OFF THE ADDICT - we didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it. Enabling, even with the best intentions, will only prolong their disease and OURS. So no checking up on them..no following them around or looking for them..no begging, pleading, threatening or screaming. No "managing" their money or their lives...none of this works. As Ogly says..BACK UP, HANDS IN THE AIR, AND HANDS OFF THE ADDICT.

BOUNDARIES - We CAN put boundaries in place to protect ourselves. These boundaries are about US not THEM. Example,"I will not stay in a situation that has gotten out of hand"...if anger and tempers are the main event, we do not have to participate. We can simply walk away, hang up, or do what we have to do to remove ourselves from the situation. THEY can continue to yell, cry, threaten all they want...but our boundary is that WE will not participate. The important thing with boundaries is that we need to be prepared to carry through with them...otherwise they have no credibility. It takes practice but our safety is worth the effort.

MAKE A PLAN AND PLAN EVERY DETAIL - When we are preparing to make major changes in our lives, whether it is staying or leaving the addict, if we think through a plan for how we will go about it, how we will manage financially, how we will handle THEIR reaction to it, what we will do to move on to a healthier place, then half the battle is won. Knowing we have a plan, gives us our "emergency" parachute, and assurance of a softer landing.

GET OFF THE ROLLER COASTER - we see the same cycle repeat itself over and over...up and down..up and down..and we CAN get off the ride. We can leave the fairgrounds toom if that helps us stay away from the ride. WHEN WE KEEP DOING WHAT WE HAVE ALWAYS DONE, WE KEEP GETTING WHAT WE HAVE ALWAYS GOTTEN.

LET GO OF RESENTMENTS - I was told that resentments are like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. Resentments only hurt US.

LET GO AND LET GOD - Get out of God's way. Pray, meditate and let God run the world, including our lives and the addict's life. I always hated the phrase "In God's Time", but I have learned patience, trust and faith are the gifts that will see me through this. There IS a plan, if we keep our hands off it and stand back and wait.

IN-BETWEEN IS OKAY - Often when we make the transition from codependency to recovery, we find that In-between is awkward and lonely. It is part of the bridge we have to cross and part of the healing. This is where we stand, emptied of our past and with our hands open waiting for the gifts of the future to come.

HAVING FUN IS PART OF RECOVERY - We don't have to feel guilty for having fun when our addicts still suffer. It is a VITAL part of our healing, and it takes us out of the depths of despair to a better place of hope and well-being. Laughter is a great medicine. And the best time to practice this is when we least feel like it. Step out of the darkness into the light, and the world will be somewaht more beautiful every time.

AND ALL THE OTHER GOOD STUFF

Go to meetings, real life support and having a person there to call can be a lifesaver. It is the best place to learn about the steps and how to work them. Get a sponsor, work the steps, share and reach out to the newcomer. There are many threads here that give assistance on working the steps...read them and start today...Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over the addict/alcoholic and our lives had become unmanageable. Think about that one and what it means until you finally accept what "powerless" means.

I didn't start out to write a book here LOL, but these things are so important and I hope that putting them in one place will help. Please add some of your own, as sharing gives us all strength and hope.
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Old 07-14-2002, 11:01 AM
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Thank you Ann,

This was written really well and really helpful.
Thank you for all of your hard work.


Hugs,

MG
 
Old 07-14-2002, 11:35 AM
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Thank you Anns. I am having one of those "down" days. I made a decision not to accept any collect calls from my daughter today because all I am hearing is quacking with a capital Q and I am sick of it.

Sometimes I wonder how my husband can just be so ok with all this. He spends his days reading and praying and today when I came home from shopping he was full of good spirits about someting he was reading and I feel so so sad.

And then the phone rings again . .with that recording. ."No custom calling features allowed" and I feel so sad for her because we are the only ones she can call that care. . and it hurts to care today.

I asked her if she had called any of her "friends" to bail her out ($125.00). .guess what the answer was. .no.

It is hard to have fun. .just very hard. I am in a stuck position again. . . Love Mo
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Old 07-14-2002, 01:41 PM
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Ann
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Mo

Your husband sounds much like mine. He loves my son as much as I do, and I know he hurts to see what happens, but the difference is they are NOT codependent. Being Codependent is not just being a person involved in all this, it is a disease of its own that takes over our lives.

I envy my husband in his clarity. I will fret, analyze, chew it over 127 times and drop to the floor exhausted. My husband will look at me and say, " there's nothing you can do about it - he'll get help when he's ready. So do you want to go for an ice-cream?"

And the wonderful thing about my husband is that as much as my emotional focus and energy has been on my son, he supports my recovery and is there to pick me up when I need it. God bless him.

As part of my recovery I started spending more time with friends and family that I have neglected. And it feels good to be with healthy people again.

Yup, this recovery is a good thing.
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Old 07-14-2002, 01:51 PM
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Great post Ann, thank you!!

Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
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Old 07-14-2002, 11:27 PM
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This is great Ann, and I think you do
have yourself a gem for a husband, (I
did laugh about the ice cream.) I heard
the resentment thing too, and I wrote
it down as "A resentment is a cup of
poison we prepare for another and end
up drinking ourselves."

Hugs,
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Old 07-30-2002, 08:21 PM
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Bringing this back up for the newcomers....
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Old 07-31-2002, 05:38 AM
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This is a fantastic thread. I loved the initial post, Anns. Thank you so much.

And the post about "resentments", Josie, is right on target for me.

Hugs.

Jon
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Old 07-31-2002, 12:30 PM
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Thanks Anns, I am still getting caught up from vacation. I am printing this one out for frequent reference.
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Old 07-31-2002, 03:51 PM
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YIKES! That was a great post Anns! This morning at 8am I heard my A in his office opening up his bottle of vodka....I have 14 more days till I go to court and I have to rememeber the roller coaster and how MANY many times I have ridden that beast with with him.

I will keep reading the post over and over to keep myself in line and stong enopugh to make this very nerve wracking move...
Love, Kitty
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Old 08-07-2002, 05:06 PM
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Bringing this back to the top for the NEW newcomers.
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Old 10-09-2002, 08:26 PM
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I dug this out of the basement....because it is still good advice. I need to read it myself to remind me to stay focussed.
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Old 10-09-2002, 08:48 PM
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Wonderful Post!!!

Anns;

Thank you so much! You've given us all a reminder of what things are important for our serenity and survival.I would also like to encourage everyone to attend meetings. You may not feel comfortable at one, there are lots around to try. I also have gotten really good advice in the chat room here. Keep looking until you find your "home". It is so nice to have the friends here at the forums and at my meetings to lean on along with my Higher Power.

:skiptrip: MonicaR
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Old 10-10-2002, 05:14 AM
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"MAKE A PLAN AND PLAN EVERY DETAIL - When we are preparing to make major changes in our lives, whether it is staying or leaving the addict, if we think through a plan for how we will go about it, how we will manage financially, how we will handle THEIR reaction to it, what we will do to move on to a healthier place, then half the battle is won. Knowing we have a plan, gives us our "emergency" parachute, and assurance of a softer landing."

This is soooo helpful
:shades:

I'm in the midst of a major life change, and planning, with lots of support from family members, is crucial to walking across the bridge (into the sun of a healthy future far from the darkness of my son's heroin addiction.) I find, as I walk across the bridge, if I keep my eye on the far side and the planning required to get there -- job interviews, apartment hunting, etc. -- it is working, the sadness lessens somewhat.

An experienced family member (20 years sober) said to me last night that I can turn that sadness around by realizing that crossing the bridge is in fact, the first signs of hope (off the roller coaster as it were.) He's thrilled and happy for me, lots of applause and cheering from him.

I keep a copy of the local paper, with meetings listed, by the door in case my addict stops over. Last time he called asking if I had any ideas (!), I responded that he should call NA or find a meeting. And wished him good luck. I am trying to keep it short and simple with him, detached.....

Thanks again for reinforcing what I know I must do for me! :shades:

Last edited by riverside; 10-10-2002 at 05:23 AM.
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Old 10-10-2002, 07:52 AM
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Thanks Anns,
Great Post! I really needed to read this today! Reminded me where I need to be heading, and away from the "stinking thinking"!
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Old 10-10-2002, 09:04 AM
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Riverside,

I'm sending lots of applause and cheering for you too.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 10-28-2002, 09:05 PM
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Ann
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To the top again for all those newcomers who just walked in the door....
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Old 10-29-2002, 08:12 AM
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Great advice for a newcomer. Thanks so much. Very helpful, I'm sure I'll read it many times over. Thanks for the smile (story about your husband).
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Old 10-29-2002, 11:09 AM
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Hi ann's

What a brilliant post, the rollar coaster whack me right between the eyes, its so true, in fact the whole post has made me stop and think, im going to print it of and go over it whenever i feel myself heading for that rollar ride


i learn something new everythme i come on this site.

big hugs spin
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Old 10-29-2002, 11:54 AM
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Thanks Anns,

This was really thought provoking. I think I actually applied some of it in my life today. The part about letting go of resentments and doing things differently.

Here's the story, it's the stupidest situation but does it ever get me tied up in knots and POed for the rest of the day

OK, every Tuesday is garbage day, has been ever since we moved here 4 years ago....not too difficult right....not rocket science, well than why can't my husband remember it.

I pretty much handle all the chores in the house. I even bag up the garbage and take it out to the cans. We have a pretty long driveway and I really don't get much of an opportunity to take the cans down the the bottom because I have a baby and a toddler. Plus all my husband has to do is put them in the back of his truck and drive them down on his way to work. Mind you, this is his only responsibility at the moment except to go to work and come home.

Well, every Tuesday it's the same thing. I leave the house and see that the cans have not been taken down, I get angry, think a lot of nasty things about him and start in on him the minute he walks in the door. (this is enough to drive anyone to drink) I usually stew about this and ruin my whole day but the insanity of it is I do that every Tuesday.

SOOOOOOOOOOO........today I looked at the can, started to get mad and then thought, I am not going to let this upset me today, it never changes anything. Then I changed garbage companies and these guys come all the way up the driveway to get the garbage. It costs more but it's worth the peace of mind

Searching
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