leem03

My AH, who is living with the other woman (OW) gave me a diamond (yes real) bracelet & 3 $100 gift cards, & a manicure & pedicure certificate. Tell me what that is supposed to mean? He came over this morning to watch our daughter open Santa gifts. Do you know he didn't even buy her ONE THING! Now he knew I had everything handled, but could he put forth even the tinest bit of effort. I bought all the gifts for his parents, sister & nieces too. He didn't lift a finger.

Amazing, isn't it? He told me this morning that I needed to put the house up for sale too. What a Merry Christmas wish. From Diamond bracelet's to sell the house. I'm so confused by all of this crap.

I guess the biggest light flashing in my face is that he is not here with me today. So that says plenty. Diamonds or not I guess I need to face reality and move on with my life without him.

So why the heck are my feet stuck in the sand???

Here's the thing guys. I honestly, truly know that he does love me. That's what makes this situation so incredibly hard. This is why I switch between this board and one for surviving infidelity. I have been lucky enough to marry an alcoholic adulter-er (assuming that's a word).

Our lives have been in chaos for the past two years. This is when his alcoholism began. Then the affair. While it hurts incredibly that he is with another woman, it hurts me more to watch the man I love hurt himself day after day with the alcohol. He is only 31 years old and already has a bad liver from the disease. He can't keep food down (another symptom of alcoholism) and he is depressed. It's so hard to walk away from someone who really needs to be cared for. He felt neglected as a child and I just don't want him to feel that I am abandoning him too. Even though I know that he is the one choosing to leave.

I know he is miserable. He doesn't want this OW. She is just a person, a place to lay his head. She drinks it up with him & lives the good life. No responsibilies, no children to take care of...free as two birds.

I know I should let him go and walk away. I know I need to get to some Alanon meetings. I don't know how to describe it other than to say that when I look at him I see the man I love in pain. I know he hurts because of his past. And he hurts when he thinks about the pain he has caused me & our family.

But he is a good man at heart. Yes I am co-dependent. I want to help him. I can't turn my back on him.

The gifts...I'm quite certain OW has no idea that he bought those things. Not that it would really be any of her business, but I'd like to tell her!! I know I don't really get why he bought them, but I just think he really thinks I deserve them. He will everyone that I am the best mom on the planet. That I am the best friend anyone could ask for. That I am the kindest most caring person he has ever met....yet, he is off with HER. Why??? Now I go back to the alcohol. He doesn't think he deserves me. He thinks I deserve better. He is right I do deserve better. But I want my better to be my husband who has recovered from all of his dark secrets and alcholism. Because underneath all of that darkness is a compassionate man who would give someone the shirt off his back.

I'm sorry I am so all over the place with this post. I just want you all to understand. But how can you understand? I don't understand it and I live it everyday.

Thanks for reading all of this!! And Merry Christmas!!

Live

Whoa, that is truly crazy-making! I don't know what to say. Someone wiser will be along. But, all you can do is take care of you. And your little one.

Who knows what he is thinking? I am sure he doesn't.
Guess you can take your daughter shopping with one of the gift cards and say this is from your daddy.

I think I would try to stay out of the way, keep my distance, because it is just too taxing mentally and emotionally. The chaos drains everything out of us. It is hard to be sane in an insane situation.

hugs,
live

leem03

It is crazy, isn't it liveweyerd? I am trying so hard to keep my distance and give him the space he needs to figure out what is going on in his own mind. We even went to marriage counseling two weeks ago. I went back to an independent counseling earlier this week and he is supposed to go himself.

I hope he does go, he needs so much support. But it can't be from me. I am the one taken for granted. The one he continues to walk all over. The one he KNOWS will still be there.

splendra

((((lemm03))))))

He is in a trap....his trap......He needs to grow up ya know. Don't let him drag you down or confuse you.

One of the really odd things about this disease is that when they see compassion the disease sees weakness. Be strong girl. I know it hurts Don't let his disease beat you up. I don't know if he can break free of the OW. NO MATTER WHAT KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOURSELF

leem03

Thanks Splendra. I really am trying. He knows I want him home though. He knows I want to help him battle this disease. I can feel it with all that I have that he wants to stop......but he just can't get up the strength to fight it yet. I'm trying to hang on.

That being said, I know I can't hang on to that dangling thread forever. Even if he knows what he's doing is wrong, he is still making a conscious decision to do it.

I need to get to another Alanon meeting. I've only been to two, but it's tough, when people don't understand your whole story. I think they'll think I'm nuts, for trying to stick it out with an alcoholic who is living with another woman. I am nuts for it. You may all think I'm nuts too, but I guess since I can't see the looks on your faces I feel more free to share what a nutcase I am!

Dee at Mt Bully

Really -really--keep the focus on yourself--You said it yourself you know you are
codependant. Maybe you could step back alittle and look at that about yourself.
Being codie is not really helping him or you. Something that I just realized this
week may help you. Even though I'm sure my AH loves me he would rather loose me
than face his alcoholism. It is easier for him to hide behind the alcohol and let our marraige go than it is to work for recovery. Recovery is something we cannot do
for them. In your case the OW may not be very important to him but she does not
make him face his alcoholism. Maybe this helps it took me awhile to figure this out for
myself. I hope this next year brings you lots of good things.--Smiles--Dee

leem03

I agree Dee. It is much easier for him to continue running to the alcohol and to her. He doesn't have to face the pain when he looks at her. With me he sees all of the hurt he has caused.

Recovery is a hard road. I wish it wasn't so darn bumpy!!

JessicaNAJ

Lem - Do you want to go through all this again five-ten years from now? Unless he really wants to help himself - there is NOTHING you can do to help him.

Keep focusing on you and your dreams and your goals. Find happiness within you and your child.

Hugs....Jessica

MysticCat

I dont have any advice, but I do have something interesting....in all my crazyness, one of my friends told me to step back from my situation and pretend it was her, and then ask myself what would I tell her to do?

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Blessings,
MysticCat

frankly

leem03, (((((((((((Hugs to you Hun)))))))))))) I know the pain you feel. I'm there too with the OW. But you and I really need to look at ourselves and find out why we allow them to treat us like this, and we still love them. I think it goes beyond co-dependancy, I think it has a lot more to do with us not loveing ourselves. Add all the rest of the baggage on top of that and we just get to the point we can't face any more pain. So we are stuck, we keep hurting but we can't seem to let go because we don't want to hurt more. At least I know that is part of my problem.

I think the gifts to you were really for him. It was to help him fight his own guilty feelings so that he doesn't have to deal with them. It also helps him keep his options open for you. He has his cake. And he's eating it.

We can't open their eyes for them. As much as we would like too it's just not in our power. It's one of those things that we have to accept that we can not change.
But we can change ourselves. I know it's easy for me to say that and give you that advice when I can't seem to follow it myself. But at least as long as we know this, maybe we can take little baby steps toward changing it. What do you think?

B

JT

All I can think of is all the alkie's out there who wish they had what he had. Two woman and neither one of them make him take responsibility for his actions.

I have compassion for my son but it is not reflected into actions that could cause him harm. Unless and until he stops drinking and starts participating in his own life he will continue doing what he has always done. He is a master with words but his actions always fall short and there is not one thing I can do to make that change.

Accepting that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable was the first step to having the life I deserve. That step is all about me.....my son's name is nowhere in that sentence.

I wish you well,
JT

CatsTail

Hi,

He's trying to manipulate you with the gifts, keep you hooked in while he continues on in his disease.

It's crazy-making to keep you off balance and confused.

The only thing that could possibly wake him up is if you move on with your life and not stay hooked in. Keep the focus on you and your daughter, there is really nothing you can do for him.

Ngaire

Cap3

Hey leem03,ive been there to lots of time.Being nuts,insane,off da wall.All in trying to be helpful as i thought it was then,to another..For me it was because i truly believed that i was the ....one...who could help my hub,out of his pain,out of his drinking.That no one else could do this.,to the level that i could .I believed i had the power to help,to solve,all his issues.After all who knows him better than i do?....Who loves him more than i do?....All this type of thinking got me was more heart-ache,more pain and confusion.After coming to the rooms of al-anon,i learned that this wanting to help to the extream that i was trying to do was my sickness.I was living my life,,,through..his,.eyes.I had no life of my own back then.And this was my choice..Believing that i could make him better was only my ego..I didnt do better until i learned a different way,to live.Recovery.I learned that only the alcoholic can reach their bottom,when they say its their own bottom,and only they can go for help.To let go,let God,work the miracles in anothers life,without my interference.To detache with love,in my heart,for this sick person.,and to continue on with my own recovery.The alcoholic can do what they want to .They are an adult,living free.But its when i grab onto the strings that they throw out,then huston there is a problem.And its not,only the alcoholic.Its me.,too..The main thing is that.=.I am the problem,for me..Its not about them..Recovery for myself is the solution.Because i was the one hurting,and getting myself into all kinds of "stuff".I was making unhealthy choices for myself.Today through God,and programs im able to make healthy choices in my life.
Thanks for letting me share,,
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!!!!

splendra

hey-
I believe we can put our A's name in the first step: I am powerles over my A and my life has become unmanageable.......It took me one solid year to get that first step I finally got it when someone said to me: You are powerless over your A and your life has become unmanagable and they also said the serenity prayer adding his name to it....God grant me the serenity to accept that I cannot change him and the courage to change myself and the wisdom to see the difference between me and him.....

wraybear

Leem, it sounds like you are waiting for the alcoholism to stop, so you can get on with life with your H who you love and who loves you.

I am in the same boat, and my AH is a humble compassionate person too. However, my AH HAS tried to stop drinking for the past 8 years. He has gone from drinking daily 8 years ago to drinking every 4-6 months. But these binges are intolerable for me. He has driven with our children in the car. 3 years ago he was in a horrible car accident and he almost died and 5 year old was seriously injured. YET, HE STILL DRINKS and drives and has also been doing painkillers these past 3 years.

I do love my AH but I have finally come to the conclusion, all the love in the world, his love for me, my love for him - that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him. I don't know why it has taken me 15 years to realize this. I spent many years trying to help him... Seeking doctors, therapists, books, Christian AA groups, being positive, "WE CAN FIND SOMETHING TO HEAL YOU FROM THIS DREADED DISEASE"... But, in the end there is nothing I can do.

It is very sad. I feel for you. It is so difficult to love someone so much, and realize there is nothing you can do to help them.

Changing the subject, is it possible he manipulating you with all the nice gifts to get you to do what he wants regarding selling the house? Is he wanting the equity? Hmmmm, just something to think about. One of my best friends husband of 15 years came home one afternoon and said he was leaving. She was so shocked that she did everything he wanted. Sold the house, put her share of the equity AND her share of his retirement down on all their debt, so she and her daughter ended up with NOTHING. She, a 40 year old woman (who happens to be disabled with rhumatoid arthritis) had to move in with her parents. I guess I just wouldn't want you to think that because he loves you so much, he wouldn't do what he needed to do to get what he wants. Please look out for your and your daughters interests.

I hope you are having a decent holiday in the midst of all this. Take care!

dax

Leem you know I post on si. This man is manipulating you. Ask for the gift receits for those gifts. He is trying to buy you off so he can have his cake and eat it too. Get cash for those gifts. He is a jerk- so selfish not to buy his children anything . If he is cheating now , hw will find a nice little needy AA newbie to comfort him if he does get sober. Put all the pluses and minus and look at what this man is giving to you besides grief,
There is aqbsolutely NO EXCUSE for him top stay with the ow- drinking buddy or not. My husband never cheated on me while drinking. As long as you put up witth his living with her he will do so. Alkcoholics are the most selfish , manipulating people on this earth- even when they get sober. just mu opionoin after about 25 years of living with program dax

leem03

Thank you all for your comments. They really do help a lot.

I have been trying to get myself pieced together. It is so hard though. As with all of you, it is so much easier to give out the "right" advice then it is to take it yourself. I know all of the things I should be doing. I know all of the things I need to say to him, but knowing and doing are two totally different things.

I know many of you think he is trying to manipulate me with the gifts, but I honestly don't think he is. Does guilt come into play here, I'm sure it does. He is guilty about what he has done & what he continues to do. But, unfortunately not guilty enough as he continues to still do the wrong things.

Cap3, I know exactly what you are talking about. I don't have much of a life on my own. But I'm trying little things to keep myself going in a positive path. I am bowling one night a week with girlfriends and that helps. Every little bit helps. I'm trying to stay active and at least go out with my daughter. I have to admit though, sometimes it is very hard to even leave the house on the weekends.

As many of you pointed out, I am aware of the first step. I know I am powerless over his drinking. While knowing that doesn't stop me from hoping & praying that something will flash a light bulb off in his head to get him to stop. He knows everything he needs to do. He knows he should stop, he knows the OW isn't helping, he knows it all. But he can't seem to find a way to put the knowledge into reality.

Wraybear, you are 100% correct. It is so darn hard to love someone and watch them destroy his/her own life and know that you have done everything within your power to help them. Yet the only one who can help him is himself. It is so very sad!

Dax, I'm sorry to see you here too! There is no excuse for him to be at the OW's. He is selfish. But I know that he is ridden with this darn disease. That being said, I am not excusing what he is doing, but I know why he's doing it. I have very limited contact with him these days. I do not call him unless it has something to do about our daughter. He will call to say hi, etc. I usually have our daughter answer the phone & if I speak to him it's very brief. But then there are the bad times, when I'm crying and asking him to come home and get his life together that what he is doing is killing himself.

That is what he is doing. He is literally sick almost every time after eating. He has liver problems. He has stomach pains. But he continues to drink. He is so depressed. He needs help, that I can't give him.........I know this. I have to TRY LIKE CRAZY to help myself & our daughter. I have to live a healthy life without him. Maybe just maybe he will see me on my own path to recovery and that will help him to want to recover too. And if he doesn't catch onto that, then I will still be on my way to recovery without him.

Sounds good, right.....ok I'm going to keep repeating that last statement to myself over and over again until it sinks into this head of mine. I will do this. I will be the Little Engine that Could..........I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

dax

I remember one alanon saying to just pretend the alcoholic is dead and live acordingly. Think of a life where you could be concerned with just the everyday stress of living. When my alcoholic was drinking- all I thoughtrabout day and night was what his drinking was doing to our family. we should not have one person have so much power over our happiness. Pretend he is gone and move on. If my H had left me to go live with the ow, he would have had papers on him served . I am a good person and deserve to be treated with respect. A married man living with other woman is to me the lowest form of life. . Sorry to be so blunt. But his gifts are just selfs erving. He wants to keep you for "a back up' if the ow doesn't work out. as one person here said. If you friend said she was living like this, what advice would you give her.

wraybear

I think you can too! You just keep choo chooing along! And slow down, and even stop whenever you feel like it and enjoy the sights along the way too! It's a much better ride than the rollercoaster you've been on!

JT

Wray...it sounds like you ARE taking the first step. Accepting your powerlessness and living your life the way you choose. Enjoy the sights!!

Hugs,
JT