sam

I am recently separated from my ah of 17 years and have a daughter who is 15 years old. Anyway, the holiday's have been difficult, but for myself I will make it through. My daughter on the other hand doesn't want to talk about it and all she says is.."I will be spending the first Christmas without my Dad." Of course, the guilt rips through me and I feel bad about it. Don't get me wrong, my daughter knows the problems my husband has, but it is still painful for her. I know she feels sorry for him, but he has done nothing to help himself. All he does is blame me for everything. This wonderful guilt that he sends my way and in her own innocent way, she does also.

Anyway, any pieces of advice to give my daughter about this Christmas. I have tried the "We have so much to be thankful for, despite everything. Family and friends." But, she is in her own teenage world and I just wish I would say the right thing.

I would love a little help.

Thanks.
Sam

brat1966

(((((((((Sam)))))))))
I have no advice... When my daughter was 9 her father and I divorced and it was very hard on her..... I told her that just because we can't live togeather don't make either one of us love you any less.. Yes it will be hard not having him here for Christmas, but, maybe this is for the best...
Teens are harder, I just about left my hubby of 5 years this past Sept. I wish I had more advice for you.. Sending lots of hugs..
Brat

jojo

Sam -

Maybe you could tell her that this is a hard Christmas for you
too. You aren't used to having him gone either, that you miss the way he used to be and that you feel that him being gone is the best way for him to help himself. This is a hard time for all of you but you both owe it to yourselves to make it the best Christmas that you can. Maybe suggest saying a prayer for her dad. There is nothing you can do to make it all better. She is a kid that needs a place to lay the blame and you are the one that is available and the one she trusts. She knows that things weren't right before but it just hurts - just like it hurts you although probably in a different way. Have you taken her to Alateen or do you go to Alanon? If not, it could help both of you.

Hope your day is brighter than you are anticipating. Remember, things will get better.

Hugs, Jo

Gabe

Sam, once they enter that teenage world, nothing we say is right.
The first year apart is hard.
You just have to get through it the best you can and try and start some new traditions. Maybe do something Christmas related just the two of you.
This is how it is now, it's not the way it's going to stay.
Holiday hugs,
Gabe

dreamcatcher

I don't really know if there is any "right thing" to say. Sometimes I get so caught up in trying to what's right I am just better off talking about what I am thinking or feeling. My children are 21, 20 and 18. This Christmas we are on the verge of a split after 23 years. We didn't spend Thanksgiving with him and we just sat and talked about the guilt we felt, but we also talked about the benefit of not having him around, not bashing him (I have to watch myself on that one) but just the peace and relaxation we felt. I think it was a comfort for them to talk about how they were feeling and know they are not alone. I don't know what Christmas will bring but keeping those honest heartfelt communication lines open is extremely important. Wish you the best.