I can't stand my child. I want her to leave!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: atlanta Ga
Posts: 2
I can't stand my child. I want her to leave!
I'm taking a huge leap here any help would be a appreciated.
My daughter is 18 and I can't stand the sight of her anymore. For the most part I raised her on my own except for the few times I allowed her alcoholic drug addict father to blow thru reaking havic. For the last few years things between she and I have very rapidly gone down hill. When she turned 18 in Feb. she quit school and moved out. On Nov. 1 I went and picked her up at a motel she had been staying in since being evicted from her apartment. I took her straight to the police station and turned her in for an outstanding probation violation warrant for "minor in possesion of alcohol" (2nd offense). She did 21 days in the county jail. Since then she has moved back into my house and has done nothing but make my life a living hell. She admitted that she was addicted to "ice" but has done nothing to help herself with the addiction. She asked me to look up NA meetings and I told her no that it was her responsibility. (Maybe right, maybe wrong but just the way I felt.) I have caught her taking some of my RX meds and have since had to take them all to my work just to keep them away from her. She's driving her car with no insurance and no tag. It's legally registered but I think she might have sold the tag. She does have a job now but all of her money is blown the very next day. She's mean and hateful. Not violent to me but argues every minute she is around me. When she's not here screaming and yelling she's out with her "friends". She left last night saying she was going to the movies, she didn't come home. I worry all night long but am also relieved that there will be no fighting at least for one night. Friends and family tell me to throw her butt out but as a mother how can I do that? Oh my God what am I supposed to do? I can't stand the sight of her but worry my self sick when she's not here. I've contemplated taking myself out so that I wouldn't take her out. I can't live like this anymore. She has no idea what she's done to me. Someone please help me!
My daughter is 18 and I can't stand the sight of her anymore. For the most part I raised her on my own except for the few times I allowed her alcoholic drug addict father to blow thru reaking havic. For the last few years things between she and I have very rapidly gone down hill. When she turned 18 in Feb. she quit school and moved out. On Nov. 1 I went and picked her up at a motel she had been staying in since being evicted from her apartment. I took her straight to the police station and turned her in for an outstanding probation violation warrant for "minor in possesion of alcohol" (2nd offense). She did 21 days in the county jail. Since then she has moved back into my house and has done nothing but make my life a living hell. She admitted that she was addicted to "ice" but has done nothing to help herself with the addiction. She asked me to look up NA meetings and I told her no that it was her responsibility. (Maybe right, maybe wrong but just the way I felt.) I have caught her taking some of my RX meds and have since had to take them all to my work just to keep them away from her. She's driving her car with no insurance and no tag. It's legally registered but I think she might have sold the tag. She does have a job now but all of her money is blown the very next day. She's mean and hateful. Not violent to me but argues every minute she is around me. When she's not here screaming and yelling she's out with her "friends". She left last night saying she was going to the movies, she didn't come home. I worry all night long but am also relieved that there will be no fighting at least for one night. Friends and family tell me to throw her butt out but as a mother how can I do that? Oh my God what am I supposed to do? I can't stand the sight of her but worry my self sick when she's not here. I've contemplated taking myself out so that I wouldn't take her out. I can't live like this anymore. She has no idea what she's done to me. Someone please help me!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: east coast
Posts: 2,440
((((igobynic))))
Welcome to SoberRecovery. You have come to a great place for support. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. It must be tough. I know I put my parents through hell when I was using. They did kick me out of the house. They would buy me food, but not give me money. It broke their heart to do that to me, but they did the right thing. I was able to hit my bottom and ask for help once they stopped enabling me. I would suggest a nar-anon or al-anon meeting. Also, there is a friends and family forum here that has a lot of wonderful people who know what you're going through, and can share their experience on how they cope with life. I hope you stick around, you can learn a lot here.
Sherry
Welcome to SoberRecovery. You have come to a great place for support. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. It must be tough. I know I put my parents through hell when I was using. They did kick me out of the house. They would buy me food, but not give me money. It broke their heart to do that to me, but they did the right thing. I was able to hit my bottom and ask for help once they stopped enabling me. I would suggest a nar-anon or al-anon meeting. Also, there is a friends and family forum here that has a lot of wonderful people who know what you're going through, and can share their experience on how they cope with life. I hope you stick around, you can learn a lot here.
Sherry
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Jasper, GA
Posts: 239
Hard as it is...
...sometimes tough love is what is needed, igobynic. Right now I would guess that your feelings for her are best described as, "I love her but I don't like her".
Perfectly normal...we alcoholics/addicts aren't very likeable when we are using.
Besides AA or NA for her, you might consider going, yourself, to AlAnon meetings...they were fantastic at helping my girlfriend sort out her feelings about my alcoholism and make good decisions based on good information rather than bad decisions based on emotions.
For your daughter, there is a huge amount of help available in Atlanta...BUT...she has to want to be helped first. She has to want to get clean, not to shut you up, not so she will have a place to stay, not so you will keep feeding her, but because she REALLY wants to get clean. Not really, or even Really, but REALLY wants to get clean.
I would suggest that it's time for her to go...kick her out and tell her she has your love and your healthy support, but that you WILL NOT continue to enable her self-destructive behaviour.
If she does decide to get help. here are just few resources in the Atlanta/N Georgia area. There are meny more.
1. AA/NA Call the AA Central Office in Atlanta at 404/523-5650 for a list of meetings close to you. The Atlanta AA hotline is 404/525-3178.
2. Depending on your financial/insurance situation there is an excellent, though expensive rehab program in Smyrna at the Ridgeview Institute on S Cobb Dr. The phone number is 770/434-4567. As I said, Ridgeview is EXPENSIVE, but if you have the resources it is one of the top rated rehab centers in the US. It saved my life. Should your daughter decide to use Ridgeview request that her treatment team be headed by Dr. Jeffery Klopper. He is considered by the American Psychiatric Assoc. to be one of the top 5 Addictionologists in the country. Tell him Bob the Boiled Peanut Man sent you.
3. In Decatur there is a Methodist Church supported long term rehab program that is no/low cost called Breakthrough House. It has helped some women I know get clean and sober that I had given up on. The initial 60-90 days you do nothing but attend meetings, go to an intensive out-patient program Monday through Friday, and live at Breakthrough, and the cost is absorbed by the Methodist Church. After that you are expected to get a job and pay a small fee to pay your own way. The program length is 9 months to a year.
4. In the North Georgia mountains, up here near me, there is a women's recovery program that is spiritual/12 step based called Women of Hope. It is in Talking Rock, GA about halfway between Jasper and Ellijay. It too is a 9 month to a year program, and for the first 90 days you don't work, you just work your recovery program. After that you get a job in the local community. Cost is about $600 a month, and you are asked to pay the first 90 days up front, then pay out of your paycheck, but the fact is if your daughter needs and wants help and is broke, I have heard Dave, the director, say that they don't turn away people in need just because of money. The phone number is 706/635-7224.
If your daughter wants help....REALLY wants help, there are some resources to start with, but there are many, many more in the Atlanta area. Let me know if you need more.
Remember...SHE has to want it, not you, and she has to want it for HERSELF and no other reason or she is just wasting time and taking up a space someone else that really wanted to get clean could have had.
BubbaBob
Perfectly normal...we alcoholics/addicts aren't very likeable when we are using.
Besides AA or NA for her, you might consider going, yourself, to AlAnon meetings...they were fantastic at helping my girlfriend sort out her feelings about my alcoholism and make good decisions based on good information rather than bad decisions based on emotions.
For your daughter, there is a huge amount of help available in Atlanta...BUT...she has to want to be helped first. She has to want to get clean, not to shut you up, not so she will have a place to stay, not so you will keep feeding her, but because she REALLY wants to get clean. Not really, or even Really, but REALLY wants to get clean.
I would suggest that it's time for her to go...kick her out and tell her she has your love and your healthy support, but that you WILL NOT continue to enable her self-destructive behaviour.
If she does decide to get help. here are just few resources in the Atlanta/N Georgia area. There are meny more.
1. AA/NA Call the AA Central Office in Atlanta at 404/523-5650 for a list of meetings close to you. The Atlanta AA hotline is 404/525-3178.
2. Depending on your financial/insurance situation there is an excellent, though expensive rehab program in Smyrna at the Ridgeview Institute on S Cobb Dr. The phone number is 770/434-4567. As I said, Ridgeview is EXPENSIVE, but if you have the resources it is one of the top rated rehab centers in the US. It saved my life. Should your daughter decide to use Ridgeview request that her treatment team be headed by Dr. Jeffery Klopper. He is considered by the American Psychiatric Assoc. to be one of the top 5 Addictionologists in the country. Tell him Bob the Boiled Peanut Man sent you.
3. In Decatur there is a Methodist Church supported long term rehab program that is no/low cost called Breakthrough House. It has helped some women I know get clean and sober that I had given up on. The initial 60-90 days you do nothing but attend meetings, go to an intensive out-patient program Monday through Friday, and live at Breakthrough, and the cost is absorbed by the Methodist Church. After that you are expected to get a job and pay a small fee to pay your own way. The program length is 9 months to a year.
4. In the North Georgia mountains, up here near me, there is a women's recovery program that is spiritual/12 step based called Women of Hope. It is in Talking Rock, GA about halfway between Jasper and Ellijay. It too is a 9 month to a year program, and for the first 90 days you don't work, you just work your recovery program. After that you get a job in the local community. Cost is about $600 a month, and you are asked to pay the first 90 days up front, then pay out of your paycheck, but the fact is if your daughter needs and wants help and is broke, I have heard Dave, the director, say that they don't turn away people in need just because of money. The phone number is 706/635-7224.
If your daughter wants help....REALLY wants help, there are some resources to start with, but there are many, many more in the Atlanta area. Let me know if you need more.
Remember...SHE has to want it, not you, and she has to want it for HERSELF and no other reason or she is just wasting time and taking up a space someone else that really wanted to get clean could have had.
BubbaBob
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 1,019
BubbaBob,
I just wanted to stop in and thank you for providing such a thorough response to someone who is really caught between a rock and a hard place. I hope igobynic can use this information to help her daughter get back on track.
-pedagogue
I just wanted to stop in and thank you for providing such a thorough response to someone who is really caught between a rock and a hard place. I hope igobynic can use this information to help her daughter get back on track.
-pedagogue
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: atlanta Ga
Posts: 2
Thank you all so very much for your thoughts and advice. BubbaBob, you have provided me with some most useful information. As I said in my first post my daughter left here Wednesday night and did not come home. She finally showed up yesterday at 5pm. Problem was she was supposed to be at work at 4:30pm. She blew in here in a rage because she could not find her keys. She started trashing my house looking for them. After about 20 minutes of this my husband (not her father) had enough and told her so. Her response to him was for him to go "eff" himself. She then stormed out of the house slamming the door hard enough to rattle our entire apartment building. He went after her and told her not to come back. She called me a little while later and was all crying and told me "mom don't listen to him". My response was "I will absolutly listen to him over you." This was really the first time that I ever did not take her side. I have always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but this time I didn't even give her the chance to BS me. At this point she was actually scared, I think for the first time ever she knew I meant business.
While she was at work, my mother and myself looked up and called the numbers that BubbaBob gave me. My mom has to call back at 9am today and talk to admissions at Women of Hope. My parents will be driving in tomorrow for the holidays and if all goes according to plan we as a family will be doing an intervention on Sunday and my daughter will ride back with my parents to Women of Hope. I realize that nothing really ever goes according to plan when it comes to alcoholics and addicts but I hope and pray that she will be receptive and open to hear that we are only trying to save her life.
So thank you everyone you have been instrumental in helping me to realize there is hope.
Merry Christmas and God Bless,
Nic
While she was at work, my mother and myself looked up and called the numbers that BubbaBob gave me. My mom has to call back at 9am today and talk to admissions at Women of Hope. My parents will be driving in tomorrow for the holidays and if all goes according to plan we as a family will be doing an intervention on Sunday and my daughter will ride back with my parents to Women of Hope. I realize that nothing really ever goes according to plan when it comes to alcoholics and addicts but I hope and pray that she will be receptive and open to hear that we are only trying to save her life.
So thank you everyone you have been instrumental in helping me to realize there is hope.
Merry Christmas and God Bless,
Nic
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Jasper, GA
Posts: 239
Great news...
...igobynic. Just remember, if she feels forced you will only waste hope, money, and take up a space for someone that REALLY wants to get better. SHE, not you, has to want it and want it BAD.
When you talk to Dave, the director of Women of Hope, tell him an old drunk named Bob referred you.
Don't forget that you also have issues to deal with. I STRONGLY suggest your finding an AlAnon meeting close to you. The Al Anon Atlanta area office is in Decatur at 558 Medlock Rd. which is near Scott Blvd and N Decatur Rd. The phone number is 404/687-0467.
Let us here at SR know what happens.
God bless you and your family, and I hope your Christmas brings healing and hope for your family.
BubbaBob
When you talk to Dave, the director of Women of Hope, tell him an old drunk named Bob referred you.
Don't forget that you also have issues to deal with. I STRONGLY suggest your finding an AlAnon meeting close to you. The Al Anon Atlanta area office is in Decatur at 558 Medlock Rd. which is near Scott Blvd and N Decatur Rd. The phone number is 404/687-0467.
Let us here at SR know what happens.
God bless you and your family, and I hope your Christmas brings healing and hope for your family.
BubbaBob
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
igobynic :
You have recieved much useful information already. May I make another suggestion?
Please get and read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It will really help you sort out your issues from hers.
See, I know where you are. I was there years ago. My son is a heroin addict, 10+ years. My life went down the toilet really fast. My marriage failed, after 24 years. I wanted to die. I knew I HAD to rescue him.
But, I couldn't.
We learn the 3Cs in recovery. We didn't Cause it; we can't Control it; and we can't Cure it. But, we can love our addicts without being in the thick of their chaos. We learn to detach with love.
I had to throw my son out. He ended up on the streets in the middle of winter. He ended up in jail. He ended up overdosing, dying and being revived by the EMTs. Yet he still continued. He recently had 6+ months clean, and relapsed. He has been struggling since right before Thanksgiving.
So, the saga continues, but, I am in a much different place. I have learned to live MY life again. I have learned to give him the dignity of living his own life. I have learned to love him, and accept that he is responsible for his choices. I don't have to LIKE his choices, but, they are his to make. He is an adult. What I have learned is to set my boundaries. So that I may live my life in peace.
I hope you come over to the naranon forum, here on SR. There are many here with daughters and sons who are in the same condition that your daughter is in. Come and see how we learn to live once again!
Sending you lots of (((hugs))) and prayers tonight!
L'Chaim!
(To Life!)
You have recieved much useful information already. May I make another suggestion?
Please get and read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It will really help you sort out your issues from hers.
See, I know where you are. I was there years ago. My son is a heroin addict, 10+ years. My life went down the toilet really fast. My marriage failed, after 24 years. I wanted to die. I knew I HAD to rescue him.
But, I couldn't.
We learn the 3Cs in recovery. We didn't Cause it; we can't Control it; and we can't Cure it. But, we can love our addicts without being in the thick of their chaos. We learn to detach with love.
I had to throw my son out. He ended up on the streets in the middle of winter. He ended up in jail. He ended up overdosing, dying and being revived by the EMTs. Yet he still continued. He recently had 6+ months clean, and relapsed. He has been struggling since right before Thanksgiving.
So, the saga continues, but, I am in a much different place. I have learned to live MY life again. I have learned to give him the dignity of living his own life. I have learned to love him, and accept that he is responsible for his choices. I don't have to LIKE his choices, but, they are his to make. He is an adult. What I have learned is to set my boundaries. So that I may live my life in peace.
I hope you come over to the naranon forum, here on SR. There are many here with daughters and sons who are in the same condition that your daughter is in. Come and see how we learn to live once again!
Sending you lots of (((hugs))) and prayers tonight!
L'Chaim!
(To Life!)
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
igobynic-
welcome! I don't have much to add to all that has been said but, I would like to reforce the take care of you theme......Sometimes our own reactions keep the fire going and give the addict their precieved excuse. Remember God is really in charge pray for your miracle.....
welcome! I don't have much to add to all that has been said but, I would like to reforce the take care of you theme......Sometimes our own reactions keep the fire going and give the addict their precieved excuse. Remember God is really in charge pray for your miracle.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Jasper, GA
Posts: 239
Hey Nic, I just got home...
...from church and wanted to drop you a note that you, your daughter, and the rest of your family were in my prayers this morning.
I am sitting here trying to imagine what has gone on this morning, or may be going on right now, with the intervention with your daughter. I pray that she has decided that she does want to get better and that she knows she cannot do it alone.
I cannot imagine the hurt she has put you through up to now because I was not on the receiving end of that pain...I. like your daughter, was always the one causing it. Know that it was not intended by her, just as I never intended to hurt the ones close to me. We alcoholics/addicts are just a pretty selfish, self-centered group who will let NOTHING stand between us and our drug of choice...until we let go and surrender.
I pray that your daughter sees that you are trying to open a way for her to have a life again, rather than just an existance, and that she will accept that help, be it at Women of Hope or elsewhere.
God will walk beside you and your daughter and lend you the strength you need, if He is just asked.
BubbaBob
I am sitting here trying to imagine what has gone on this morning, or may be going on right now, with the intervention with your daughter. I pray that she has decided that she does want to get better and that she knows she cannot do it alone.
I cannot imagine the hurt she has put you through up to now because I was not on the receiving end of that pain...I. like your daughter, was always the one causing it. Know that it was not intended by her, just as I never intended to hurt the ones close to me. We alcoholics/addicts are just a pretty selfish, self-centered group who will let NOTHING stand between us and our drug of choice...until we let go and surrender.
I pray that your daughter sees that you are trying to open a way for her to have a life again, rather than just an existance, and that she will accept that help, be it at Women of Hope or elsewhere.
God will walk beside you and your daughter and lend you the strength you need, if He is just asked.
BubbaBob
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Big City East Coast
Posts: 119
That was so thoughtful of you BubbaBob. I too was thinking of this family.
Hopefully the young lady will realize how fortunate she is to have people who care so deeply. I was also the one always causing the hurt, and chaos. I shudder when I recall some of it.
I'd say don't give up on her. There is hope. I am praying for you all.
Hopefully the young lady will realize how fortunate she is to have people who care so deeply. I was also the one always causing the hurt, and chaos. I shudder when I recall some of it.
I'd say don't give up on her. There is hope. I am praying for you all.
--Now!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Corona, Ca.
Posts: 7
Sound like you two need a truce. Make sure you tell your daughter how much you love her, even though she makes your life hell. Also let her know that you are there for her, to help her with anything she can't do for herself. Don't forget the "love" part in tough love.
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