Threats of violence
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Waipahu, HI
Posts: 2
Threats of violence
I'm new here, so please bear with the length of this post as I tell my story. Thanks for lending an ear, and hopefully some advice also. Been married to my husband for nearly one year. We have a beautiful 7-month old daughter. My husband's in denial about his alcoholism and thinks he can control his drinking. Every so often, when he binges, drama occurs. I can't say the way I react doesn't fuel the fire, but it's difficult to deal with someone whose thinking and actions are irrational.
Tonight was a new low. Highlights of the evening:
1) He hit on a woman with a 2-month old in front of me, our daughter, the woman's husband, and his cousin and his girlfriend, while we were waiting for a table at a restaurant;
2) He almost got into a fist fight with his cousin after we left (I made him leave as he nearly knocked over the woman he hit on while she was holding her 2-month old);
3) He physically ripped our daughter out of my arms so that he could hold her--even though he barely could stand on his own;
4) He tried to get into the driver's seat to drive us home and physically tried to rip me out of it--all the while threatening me with violence ("I'm going to knock you so hard you won't remember" and "I'm seriously going to kill you", all with his fist raised right in front of my face) and yelling irrational thoughts ("You'll kill her if you drive. Let me drive.").
After the threats, I got him to ride with us long enough in the car so I could get us near a cop. I didn't feel safe. He couldn't remember what he did 5 minutes prior. He clearly wasn't in control of his actions. I finally found one, and he had a few more officers show up. Tonight, all he remembers is the cop incident and that I tried to turn him in (so he sees it). All I wanted was some assurance that he would be calm enough to ride home and not try to knock me out of the seat while I was driving. When the cops thought he would be okay to ride home, we left. After tons of name-calling and trying to make me feel guilty for "betraying" him, we made it home.
It was yet another wake-up call for me. I love the man, but I never imagined he would act the way he did tonight. It was truly out of character. This all raises the question of the escalation of threats into real violence. What is the pattern that occurs when an alcoholic threatens violence? Will it physically be carried out down the road?
To reiterate the cliche, when he hasn't had too much to drink, he's the kindest, sweetest, most positive and loving man I know. He wouldn't hurt a fly--literally. But tonight, he made me fear for the safety of myself and our child. He's been arrested a few times prior. His ex- claimed abuse. None of the charges ever went through, though, and they were all dropped because she never made her court appearances. I hate to believe she had legitimate reasons for filing charges because she's exhibited uncalled for psycho behavior in front of me and my family...but that's another story.
Any help would be appreciated. I'm afraid to get too attached in a relationship that's not healthy for myself or our family. I want him to get help. I want us to get help. Thanks in advance.
Tonight was a new low. Highlights of the evening:
1) He hit on a woman with a 2-month old in front of me, our daughter, the woman's husband, and his cousin and his girlfriend, while we were waiting for a table at a restaurant;
2) He almost got into a fist fight with his cousin after we left (I made him leave as he nearly knocked over the woman he hit on while she was holding her 2-month old);
3) He physically ripped our daughter out of my arms so that he could hold her--even though he barely could stand on his own;
4) He tried to get into the driver's seat to drive us home and physically tried to rip me out of it--all the while threatening me with violence ("I'm going to knock you so hard you won't remember" and "I'm seriously going to kill you", all with his fist raised right in front of my face) and yelling irrational thoughts ("You'll kill her if you drive. Let me drive.").
After the threats, I got him to ride with us long enough in the car so I could get us near a cop. I didn't feel safe. He couldn't remember what he did 5 minutes prior. He clearly wasn't in control of his actions. I finally found one, and he had a few more officers show up. Tonight, all he remembers is the cop incident and that I tried to turn him in (so he sees it). All I wanted was some assurance that he would be calm enough to ride home and not try to knock me out of the seat while I was driving. When the cops thought he would be okay to ride home, we left. After tons of name-calling and trying to make me feel guilty for "betraying" him, we made it home.
It was yet another wake-up call for me. I love the man, but I never imagined he would act the way he did tonight. It was truly out of character. This all raises the question of the escalation of threats into real violence. What is the pattern that occurs when an alcoholic threatens violence? Will it physically be carried out down the road?
To reiterate the cliche, when he hasn't had too much to drink, he's the kindest, sweetest, most positive and loving man I know. He wouldn't hurt a fly--literally. But tonight, he made me fear for the safety of myself and our child. He's been arrested a few times prior. His ex- claimed abuse. None of the charges ever went through, though, and they were all dropped because she never made her court appearances. I hate to believe she had legitimate reasons for filing charges because she's exhibited uncalled for psycho behavior in front of me and my family...but that's another story.
Any help would be appreciated. I'm afraid to get too attached in a relationship that's not healthy for myself or our family. I want him to get help. I want us to get help. Thanks in advance.
It's a Puggle!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the road to sanity
Posts: 235
((((nosauce))))
Been there, done that, and I'm sorry you are going through it. It is very hard to be in that place. All you can do is follow your heart--what is it telling you?
Paula
Been there, done that, and I'm sorry you are going through it. It is very hard to be in that place. All you can do is follow your heart--what is it telling you?
Paula
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((nosauce)))))))
Girl.......It sounds to me like he is a time bomb waiting to blow. In my opinion you need to get away from him. You have a child and by your own admission he ripped her from your arms while barely being able to stand......that was violence acted on your child.
I do not know if you have family you can turn to but, I am sure that all major metro areas have shelters and couseling for women and children living in violence. Please for the sake of you and your child you need to get away and let him deal with his cr@p. God is with you.....
Girl.......It sounds to me like he is a time bomb waiting to blow. In my opinion you need to get away from him. You have a child and by your own admission he ripped her from your arms while barely being able to stand......that was violence acted on your child.
I do not know if you have family you can turn to but, I am sure that all major metro areas have shelters and couseling for women and children living in violence. Please for the sake of you and your child you need to get away and let him deal with his cr@p. God is with you.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Gosh, what a night!! I am so sorry! I wish I had some great advise, but I don't - other than to please look out for yourself and your baby (which it certainly sounds like you did). Have you read the book "Codependent No More?" I would absolutely RUN to the bookstore and read that. It explains alot about our reactions to the alcoholic, and how we are not in control of their actions...so we have to take our power back and do what we have to for us and our children. A violent drunk is the absolute worst kind... amazing how alcohol can change a personality... just baffling!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I have come to believe that alcoholism and violence are two separate problems.
I attributed my ex-A's violence to alcohol for way too long. I got counseling in a women's crisis center and it and SR saved my life.
Have an emergency plan in case there is another incident of violence. Look out for the safety of you and the child you are responsible for.
Again, alcoholism and abuse are not the same.
I attributed my ex-A's violence to alcohol for way too long. I got counseling in a women's crisis center and it and SR saved my life.
Have an emergency plan in case there is another incident of violence. Look out for the safety of you and the child you are responsible for.
Again, alcoholism and abuse are not the same.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: a state of insanity
Posts: 37
What a horrible thing to have gone through..please, take steps to keep you and your child safe. Make an emergency plan. Don't wait to do this, do you have a cell phone? If not get one for emergencies. Even a prepaid one from Walmart would be better than nothing. ((Hugs)) to you and your baby. You sound like yu have a good head on your shoulders you will do the right thing for you and your child.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Hi Nosauce -
Welcome. I'm so glad that you found us. You ask about violence escalating and all I can do is tell you that it almost always does. My ex-AH is also a kind and caring man when he is sober. He is a binge drinker and I saw no sign of physical violence for 6 1/2 of the 7 years we were together. He shoved me once six months before I left and I was so shocked at his behavior - I just couldn't believe he did that. Six months later during his next binge, he completely lost it and went after me meaning to hurt me. I got away from him before too much damage was done. I knew then that I could never trust him again not to hurt me. With his history of alcoholism it was just too big a chance for me to take so I left. Alcoholics don't come with guarantees that they will never drink again. There are alot of alcoholics who never become violent but yours has threatened you and it sounds as if there is violence in his past. Like others have said, I would make a plan to leave if you need to. Don't be afraid to call 911 if you need to. You and your baby are far to valuable to ever be physically hurt by anyone. Does your police department have a Victim's Assistance Program? They can be very helpful in getting you in touch with agencies that can help you and in developing a plan of action. Just be prepared and know that your responsibility is to keep you and your baby safe. Your husband is responsible for his actions. Hopefully he will get some help for himself. You might want to attend Alanon. You will find a good support system there. My thoughts and prayers are with you. We are all here for you.
Hugs, Jo
Welcome. I'm so glad that you found us. You ask about violence escalating and all I can do is tell you that it almost always does. My ex-AH is also a kind and caring man when he is sober. He is a binge drinker and I saw no sign of physical violence for 6 1/2 of the 7 years we were together. He shoved me once six months before I left and I was so shocked at his behavior - I just couldn't believe he did that. Six months later during his next binge, he completely lost it and went after me meaning to hurt me. I got away from him before too much damage was done. I knew then that I could never trust him again not to hurt me. With his history of alcoholism it was just too big a chance for me to take so I left. Alcoholics don't come with guarantees that they will never drink again. There are alot of alcoholics who never become violent but yours has threatened you and it sounds as if there is violence in his past. Like others have said, I would make a plan to leave if you need to. Don't be afraid to call 911 if you need to. You and your baby are far to valuable to ever be physically hurt by anyone. Does your police department have a Victim's Assistance Program? They can be very helpful in getting you in touch with agencies that can help you and in developing a plan of action. Just be prepared and know that your responsibility is to keep you and your baby safe. Your husband is responsible for his actions. Hopefully he will get some help for himself. You might want to attend Alanon. You will find a good support system there. My thoughts and prayers are with you. We are all here for you.
Hugs, Jo
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
To answer your question yes violence usually esculates.There are many statistics to
support that it esculates and I have had personal experience with a violent AH. I
agree with everyone else--make a plan for you and your baby and think of yourself
and baby first. Look into emergency shelters for women and children escaping violence.
Or maybe you have a family member or friend to go to. Please keep in touch with us
we will all be thinking of you. You have really come to a good sight you will recieve
lots of love and support here. Love and smiles--Dee
support that it esculates and I have had personal experience with a violent AH. I
agree with everyone else--make a plan for you and your baby and think of yourself
and baby first. Look into emergency shelters for women and children escaping violence.
Or maybe you have a family member or friend to go to. Please keep in touch with us
we will all be thinking of you. You have really come to a good sight you will recieve
lots of love and support here. Love and smiles--Dee
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Escalation of violence? It depends ...
... on the individual, but that's just my opinion. I can relate to the crazy talk others have mentioned. My AH says stuff that is so off-the-wall that I am completely amazed at some of the filthy accusations he levels at me as well as his paranoia.
You did the right thing calling the police. The best thing for you to do is to ignore his mouth and realize it's the booze talking. I go to a therapist who used to work solely with addicts. He said when an addict is sober, he will think the usual rational passing thoughts, such as "Jeesh! What's gotten into her today? She sure is pissing me off." But that's as far as it goes. Alcohol enlarges normal feelings out of proportion and the "drama" they thrive on begins.
I can't say if your AH will escalate his violence just because he threatens to do so. However, I think you should seriously consider if you want to stick around to find out.
P.S. - I'm a former battered wife. My first AH had no problem knocking me around - and he didn't even threaten to do it - he just did it!
You did the right thing calling the police. The best thing for you to do is to ignore his mouth and realize it's the booze talking. I go to a therapist who used to work solely with addicts. He said when an addict is sober, he will think the usual rational passing thoughts, such as "Jeesh! What's gotten into her today? She sure is pissing me off." But that's as far as it goes. Alcohol enlarges normal feelings out of proportion and the "drama" they thrive on begins.
I can't say if your AH will escalate his violence just because he threatens to do so. However, I think you should seriously consider if you want to stick around to find out.
P.S. - I'm a former battered wife. My first AH had no problem knocking me around - and he didn't even threaten to do it - he just did it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
First, do you live in a neighborhood or in rural area. This makes a big difference in what I will suggest. If you are in a rural area you can become trapped very easily, pull out the phone, pull the coil wire on the auto and you are trapped. And anything can happen. I know of a website that has a safety checklist for being prepared. I will check it and pass it on tomorrow. In emergencies, things happen very quickly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Waipahu, HI
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom, care and support. Today I feel numb. I alternate between trying to hold back the sobs and laughing with our daughter. My eyes are swollen shut because I can't stop crying.
I talked to his mother this morning because she went through alcoholism with his father for 26 years. She said he threatened her only once, but the final straw was threats made by an extra-marital affair girlfriend. Don't know how she put up with it for so long. I keep telling myself I need to leave early on so I can have a life. She wanted to arrange an intervention for my husband involving herself, his father, and his older brother. She's the only one who's called so far and my husband didn't want to talk.
Right now, he's in denial. I don't know if he's been sniffling all day because he's been crying or because he came down with a cold. I attribute it to his cold. He doesn't want to talk about any of it. He doesn't believe he threatened me. He feels betrayed because I got the cops involved. At the time, and even now, I didn't know how to respond otherwise. He's 6'3" 200 lbs. and I'm 4'11" 110 lbs. He pushed me. He put his hands on me. He didn't go for a full blown punch, but I was scared that because he didn't know what he was doing, he would do something even more aggressive. If he ever hit me in the face like he threatened, I'm pretty sure I'd go unconscious.
I feel like he's beginning to equate me with his ex-, who I don't think highly of. I keep wondering if the same thing that happened to me happened to her. She was highly combative with him. I am the total opposite, unless it comes to protecting our child.
I've begun to imagine a future without him. I feel guilty for doing so. He reinforces in me daily that he would never leave my side, no matter what, and that he would always love me. I believe him with all my heart. But I'm afraid I would abandon him over this disease if another violent episode occurs.
Yes, I do have family. In fact, I am ashamed because I brought this baggage into my parents' home. My mom offered to let us stay so that we could clear up some debt and start fresh financially. This is much more than they bargained for.
As far as an action plan goes, I'm staying home with the baby and finishing up my Master's Thesis. It should be done by May. My mom's retired, so she's offered to watch the baby when I go back to work. I have reservations about that one too. I'm comfortable with the way my dad treats her, but I'm not as confident with my mom as she tends to be too harsh from time to time. As far as dealing with my husband, if he ever threatens me again, I wouldn't hesitate to call 911. That's my boundary. After that, I'm done with him.
I'll keep hanging out here. I usually tend to lurk message boards. This is one of the few times I felt compelled to post. Thanks for the support, and hopefully I'll be able to share as all of you have so thoughtfully done. Crossing my fingers and toes for Happy Holidays for you all--even though sadly this is a time of year that triggers binges, whether in celebration or in sadness. Thanks again.
I talked to his mother this morning because she went through alcoholism with his father for 26 years. She said he threatened her only once, but the final straw was threats made by an extra-marital affair girlfriend. Don't know how she put up with it for so long. I keep telling myself I need to leave early on so I can have a life. She wanted to arrange an intervention for my husband involving herself, his father, and his older brother. She's the only one who's called so far and my husband didn't want to talk.
Right now, he's in denial. I don't know if he's been sniffling all day because he's been crying or because he came down with a cold. I attribute it to his cold. He doesn't want to talk about any of it. He doesn't believe he threatened me. He feels betrayed because I got the cops involved. At the time, and even now, I didn't know how to respond otherwise. He's 6'3" 200 lbs. and I'm 4'11" 110 lbs. He pushed me. He put his hands on me. He didn't go for a full blown punch, but I was scared that because he didn't know what he was doing, he would do something even more aggressive. If he ever hit me in the face like he threatened, I'm pretty sure I'd go unconscious.
I feel like he's beginning to equate me with his ex-, who I don't think highly of. I keep wondering if the same thing that happened to me happened to her. She was highly combative with him. I am the total opposite, unless it comes to protecting our child.
I've begun to imagine a future without him. I feel guilty for doing so. He reinforces in me daily that he would never leave my side, no matter what, and that he would always love me. I believe him with all my heart. But I'm afraid I would abandon him over this disease if another violent episode occurs.
Yes, I do have family. In fact, I am ashamed because I brought this baggage into my parents' home. My mom offered to let us stay so that we could clear up some debt and start fresh financially. This is much more than they bargained for.
As far as an action plan goes, I'm staying home with the baby and finishing up my Master's Thesis. It should be done by May. My mom's retired, so she's offered to watch the baby when I go back to work. I have reservations about that one too. I'm comfortable with the way my dad treats her, but I'm not as confident with my mom as she tends to be too harsh from time to time. As far as dealing with my husband, if he ever threatens me again, I wouldn't hesitate to call 911. That's my boundary. After that, I'm done with him.
I'll keep hanging out here. I usually tend to lurk message boards. This is one of the few times I felt compelled to post. Thanks for the support, and hopefully I'll be able to share as all of you have so thoughtfully done. Crossing my fingers and toes for Happy Holidays for you all--even though sadly this is a time of year that triggers binges, whether in celebration or in sadness. Thanks again.
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Glad to see you are still with us. Hope I haven't been to forceful or pushy. Drinking
and violence together is very scary. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you will take care of yourself and your baby. Have a Merry Christmas-
and remember we are here for you. Love and smiles--Dee
and violence together is very scary. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you will take care of yourself and your baby. Have a Merry Christmas-
and remember we are here for you. Love and smiles--Dee
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Yes violence escalates, he sounds like a loose cannon, completely irrational and ready to go off.
Are there any womens shelters, crisis hotlines near you?
It's important to make a plan for your safety to get away.
The fact that his ex filed abuse charges is a HUGE red flag. Have a look at it.
Ngaire
Are there any womens shelters, crisis hotlines near you?
It's important to make a plan for your safety to get away.
The fact that his ex filed abuse charges is a HUGE red flag. Have a look at it.
Ngaire
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