Party'sOver

Hi there! This is my first post. Today is exactly 2 months since I got out of rehab (and it's my birthday). This will be my first sober birthday in probably 20 years. I'm not old...just started real young! I can't say that I have been totally clean since I've gotten out, but compared to before, I've made a lot of progress. So I've finished off a bunch of vicodin about three weeks ago and last week I drank some wine. It actually made me sick. That felt good...to get that off my chest. I haven't told anyone. I'm too ashamed after all the hell I put everyone through. On the bright side I didn't have a crack pipe to my mouth and a hand full of xanax in my hand. Nevertheless I still feel like I screwed up. I'm actaully going to start an evening treatment program in January. I knwo that I still need help and better coping tools. I'm not fully equipped to handle life's ups and downs without chemicals.

Anyway I hope to share some good stories and progress with all of you and hopefully I can be of some support to you too. JM

Phinneas

Welcome JM. Glad to have you aboard.

I am glad you are going to do an outpatient program. Most of us cannot do it alone, me included. I find the most help and support in the rooms of AA / NA. I go to meetings, I have a sponsor and I work the steps. Have you gone to a meeting yet? AA has helped millions of people, it can help you, too.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that the tough part is handling life's ups and downs without chemicals. Being sober is one thing, living life on life's terms is something else entirely. I found through painful experience that if I did not work a program of real, honest recovery, I was miserable and it was only a matter of time before I used again.

You are not alone. You will find lots of love and support here. Welcome.

jojo

CAPTAINZING2000

I Got Into This Program Cause My Life Was A F#ckin Mess. Y Did You Go To Treatment?? What Did They Say When You Was In Treatment? What Did They Say For You To Do After Treatment??? I Hurt So Damn Bad When, I Came In Here I Knew I Had To Get Well Or Get Dead.

I Kept Hearing Everyone Say They Went To That Rehab And This Rehab They Kept Relapsing. So!!!!!!!!!!!! I Go Up To The Oldtimer And I Said How Did You Do It. He Says "meeting Makers Make It" So You Know What I Did? I Went To Meetings And Meetings. I Put As Much Effort Into My Recovery As I Used To Put In My Disease.

This Is My 6th Christmas Without A Drug Or A Drink. I'm The Biggest Loser You'd Ever Find. You Know What Though, I Got This Second Chance At Life. It Occured To Me A While Back I Was Like Jimmy Stewart In "it's A Wonerful Life" I Thought, The World Would Be Better Off Without Me. Not Any More, I Want To Share The Serenity I Have In My Life. Don't You Want To Get Up Happy In The Morning?
I Give Thanks To This Gift Every Morning. I'm So Glad To Be Alive Today. You Can To If, You Want It.

There Is One Who Has All Power, May You Find Him Now

Jerry K

I have just the opposite results in my recovery. Last December I enrolled myself into a treatment program as an out patient and attended meetings three nights a week for a little over 3 months. Each evening there were two meetings and the issues discussed were relaspe pervention, the AA program, as well a Family meeting each week where patients and their families shared the experience.

I currently attend one meeting each week at the center called "Continuing Care: and those go for one year from my "graduation" from the program. At this meeting, limited to five to nine addicts, we discuss problems, solutions,etc. If you are located in the San Francisco Bay Area, the program I used was at the Sequoia Center in Redwood City. I highly recommend this facility because each professional is a recovering addict of some sort.

I have attended many AA meetings, but these did not come close to addressing my issues nor providing me the tools to be sober for over a year now.

All of this proves that recovery is a very individual thing. What is important and critical is that one finds that program or activity that provides the necessary support to GET sober and STAY sober.

Wishing all that read, a most joyous Holiday Season and a Happy Sober New Year.

pedagogue

Good! You did screw up...however, you didn't let it fall to pieces, that is progress. I really believe that your ability to successfully develop coping skills 'out in the world' will make your recovery stick. Try and seek out resources that will help you. People have mentioned some good things already, so I am not going to repeat them. I am glad to see you are headed on the right track again.

-pedagogue

3legacy

(((((((Party'sOver)))))))))
You came to the right place. I am not equipped to handle lifes ups and downs with or without chemicals, but I thank God daily for the last house on the block.

That was AA for me. Hope you find what works for you and look forward to spending the Holidays & a New Year with you one day at a time.
3 Legacy

fuster

Pary'sOver, what are you doing to protect yourself? What is your emergency plan in case you start to want to consume something to satisfy your drug bug?

You can only stay alive and sober (not "abstinent") if you have a plan for your recovery. What is it? I assume it does not include wine and Vicodin, but what is it? Do you have sober recovery persons in your life who provide you support in your recovery? If so, how do they support you? Do you have safe places you can visit, where there are other sober persons, when you crave alcohol or drugs? Do you have a way to respond calmly when your body or brain gets decompensated and you cannot function well?

:sink

hector

Yo, Fuster. You slapped him pretty hard there. Good for you. Tell it like it is.

(((Party'sOver)))

I wish you many days of serene sobriety, starting now. Ending when you're dead. Not until.

AA and rehab may not keep you sober, but it sure screws up your drinking!

All anyone can do is lay the tools at your feet. It's up to *YOU* to pick them up and use them.

I'va been AA sober over 16 years. I never went to rehab, but I talked and listened to lots who had! Rehab is not a bad thing, but it only works if you want it to. Just like everything else.

Remeber, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Time2Surrender

Thats what AA/NA is how about.Learning to live life on lifes terms.The out patient treatment is great,until the ins. money runs out.I can go to an AA meeting for a dollar,and get a cup of coffee too.Not to mention hang out with people who have become like my family.

Time2Surrender

AA isnt for everyone.Jus curious though.When you say attended many AA meetings,what about working the steps?Have you thoroughly worked the steps before? Simply attending meetings will not do much as far as recovery goes.And I am not knocking your treatment program.It sounds great.However,for some people with out health ins. or money most treatment programs are out of reach.

Party'sOver

Thanks for all of your messages and for being so candid instead of the normal sugar-coated, cheerleader stuff. Fuster-you nailed me pretty well. I needed to hear that. And the answer to all of your questions is "no". I do not have a plan in place except for continuing therapy with my psy-doc and doing this outpatient rehab. My friends have all been very supportive but they all drink (in front of me). I guess that may not be too supportive but this is about me and not them. It makes me a little resentful because they were right by my side during the good 'ole party days. By the way, alcohol isn't my drug of choice, so it doesn't bother me too much. Whatever, I have to get over the resentment. I also need to be more open with my psy-doc and tell him about my relapses...there have been a few and I am just very ashamed--and talk about depressed. Like any good addict, I can look him straight in the face and lie. I'm a magnificent liar. Well, I am going to go to my first Smart Recovery meeting this week. That's no lie. I'll try NA again, but there were so many members looking to get 'saved' and put all their faith in God rather than in their own hands. I'm not knocking it by any means, I just wasn't raised with any sprituality, so it made me feel like even more of an outsider...and a little spooked.

I'm going to have to make some major changes in my life and surround myself with safe and supportive people. I don't have any friends in recovery. It's all so confusing. It's like trying to start your entire life over again from scratch. I am hopeful though...and appreciate all of your support.

CAPTAINZING2000

it is like startin over from scratch. some of the friends i hAve now i didn't have b 4 i got into aa. be yourself try to be the person you want other people to like. IF, I'M A A$$HOLE THERE ISN'T ANYONE GOING TO WANT TO BE HANGING AROUND ME. IF, I HELP IN THE MEETINGS VOLUNTEER TO CHAIR ETC. PICK UP AFTER THE MEETINGS ETC. OFFER RIDES. THAT'S THE TYPE OF PERSON WE ALL NEED TO BE. DON'T ISOLATE GO THE EXTRA STEP B IN THE PROGRAM NOT AROUND IT

CHRIS

gratefulgal

Party'sOver,
You sound like you're trying to keep an open mind - good for you. In the NA basic text, it says there are 3 spiritual principles that are essential: honesty, openmindedness and willingness. Before I went to rehab and meetings, I had a negative view on the 12 step programs as a lot of newcomers do. One thing I would like to say to you is that addiction is a spiritual disease and that is why addicts need spirituality to restore us to sanity. This does not necessarily mean Jesus, Budda, Alla, etc. - it means a God of your understanding. The reason we put our faith in our higher power instead of our own hands is because we are powerless over our addiction. If we are powerless, then we have to rely on a power greater than ourselves to restore us to sanity/manageability. When we put our faith in our own hands, look what happened - In my case, life turned to sh*t. People in AA say "your best thinking got you here." I'm not trying to preach, just trying to help.
When you said you weren't raised with any spirituality, that's o.k. Most, if not all, who come into AA/NA don't have any spirituality when they get there, so they were feeling exactly like you are now. I know it can be scary and overwhelming, but keep going to meetings and see what happens.

Party'sOver

Well after much procrastination I went to my first NA meeting tonight. I must have been motivated considering there's 15 in of snow here and I had to walk a half a mile. But it was great and everyone was so nice and supportive. I have no problem talking in public so just blabbed away. Do I still feel like taking a sleeping pill tonight? Yes, but I'm not going to. I don't know if there will ever be a day when I don't think about popping a pill, but all I can do is try.

And thank you all for all of your kind words and support...and a little push. JM

Phinneas

:great

I am so proud of you for getting to a meeting tonight. I'm not going to blab any of the party lines to you. Only this, it's worked for millions of people and it CAN work for you, too. Meetings save my a$$ time after time.

Baby steps. Keep taking them.

hugs,

jojo

Party'sOver

Hi all! I went to another meeting tonight. I saw a guy there I knew from my bar hopping days. We walked home together and shared rehab stories. Funny how people forget how obnoxious I was at the bar. I was really bad-let me tell you. I'm over it though. I actually have seven pieces of paper each with a day of the week on them. Under each day I've listed all of the meetings in the city and what time they start. My goal is to go to at least one meeting everyday. I also made my evaluation appointment for outpatient rehab on Jan. 4th. It's 3 days a week for a month. I have to do whatever I can to help myself. I want a fresh start. Alright. Do I still feel like using today? A little, but I'm fighting it. Honesty. JM

best

Not so sure about that.
In my discoveries of being sober, I don't think it is they forget. I have found that they forgive and then forget.
Others had seen in me the goodness that I didn't see. They forgave and then forgot the old me because the new me was fresh in their minds.
You need do the same... forgive yourself and leave yesterday where it belongs. Live life for today. Deal with today and be the person others know you can be. If you don't know it yet, you will see it in time...
You are worth it.

Congratulations on your efforts. You are on a wonderful path and using some great tools. Feels good doesn't it

Phinneas

((((JM)))) Good for you. You are doing EXACTLY what you need to do. It will get easier and better, I promise you. Baby steps and one day at a time.

hugs,

jojo

Time2Surrender

JM,I am glad to hear you are enjoying your meetings.That is good news.

Party'sOver

Best, you're right about the forgiving part. That's a much better interpretation. I know this for a fact. There are people in my neighborhood and my building who won't even look at me nevermind forget and forgive. I won't go into detail but they have their reasons. I just smile and say hello. I have to put it behind me for my own good. Like you say, all I can do is forgive myself. And I'm learning to do that. I call it 'feeling'. Something that I haven't done in a while. I've been too wasted to feel anything (besides high or depressed), so it's new for me.