Feeling Helpless and Alone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Maplewood, MN
Posts: 6
Feeling Helpless and Alone
First time poster and I really just need to vent. I'm 22 and I have been living with my alcoholic boyfriend for two years, dating for three. My boyfriend drinks everyday, goes to the bar almost everyday and hides liquor bottles around the house and in his car. I am so hurt and resentful that I go through all 3 of the types of enablers mentioned on a daily basis. I feel like I'm being cheated on with the bottle.
I told my boyfriend that I don't mind if he drinks beer because I'd rather have him drink beer than hard liquor. I know this seems wrong but when he drinks beer, he's more of a happy drunk. If I tell him he can't bring beer home, he'll just hide hard liquor. I am terrified when he drinks hard liquor. He drinks so much that he literally cannot function. He can down a 1.75 L of whiskey or vodka in one night. I've had to stay up all night with him making sure he doesn't choke on his vomit, helping him wipe himself and go to the bathroom so he doesn't **** all over the living room, make sure he's still breathing, etc.
Even worse, when he drinks hard liquor, he gets violent and angry. One moment he'll be crying and saying that he loves me, the next moment he'll be screaming at me, telling me that he hates me and hopes that I die. He cuts himself and burns himself with cigarettes when extremely drunk and has threatened people in the past, myself included with knives. He has tried to quit drinking three times within the last year and hasn't been as violent anymore but he still breaks things when he is angry and goes from "I love you" to "I *#(&@(#$ hate you" in less than 5 seconds. Even when he was sober, he was extremely depressed and his parents tell me that he should be on anti-depressants but he refuses to get treatment. I can tell he harbors a lot of pain and even when he's sober, he'll cry for no reason.
I'm a full-time college student and a full-time manager and it's hard for me to cope with the stress of all the other aspects of my life, let alone his emotional rollercoasters. Everyday it's a pity party. He claims his life is so horrible and depressing that it makes him drink but he never does anything to change it. I'm trying to make our life better, get more hours at work, get straight As in school, get a decent job once I graduate so that he won't have to be so stressed out but taking on all these responsibilities has made me have a nervous breakdown. I spend my whole life trying to be the better person, trying to make everything okay and I'm sick of being the adult all of the time. I'm so overwhelmed by everything lately that all I do is sleep and cry all day. I wish I had a friend to confide in but all of our friends are alcoholics and they usually blow off anything I say about Kris, telling me that I need to ease up and let him have fun....even when I tell them about the threats and the mood swings, they don't realize the severity and tell me to stop being so controlling and let him be. My friends that he doesn't hang out with basically think I'm stupid and need to leave, so I feel ashamed when I confide in them because I know they'll just shake their heads and say I deserve better. I know I deserve better but I can't leave him because I know he needs me and I love him so much. I need someone who understands.
HELP!
I told my boyfriend that I don't mind if he drinks beer because I'd rather have him drink beer than hard liquor. I know this seems wrong but when he drinks beer, he's more of a happy drunk. If I tell him he can't bring beer home, he'll just hide hard liquor. I am terrified when he drinks hard liquor. He drinks so much that he literally cannot function. He can down a 1.75 L of whiskey or vodka in one night. I've had to stay up all night with him making sure he doesn't choke on his vomit, helping him wipe himself and go to the bathroom so he doesn't **** all over the living room, make sure he's still breathing, etc.
Even worse, when he drinks hard liquor, he gets violent and angry. One moment he'll be crying and saying that he loves me, the next moment he'll be screaming at me, telling me that he hates me and hopes that I die. He cuts himself and burns himself with cigarettes when extremely drunk and has threatened people in the past, myself included with knives. He has tried to quit drinking three times within the last year and hasn't been as violent anymore but he still breaks things when he is angry and goes from "I love you" to "I *#(&@(#$ hate you" in less than 5 seconds. Even when he was sober, he was extremely depressed and his parents tell me that he should be on anti-depressants but he refuses to get treatment. I can tell he harbors a lot of pain and even when he's sober, he'll cry for no reason.
I'm a full-time college student and a full-time manager and it's hard for me to cope with the stress of all the other aspects of my life, let alone his emotional rollercoasters. Everyday it's a pity party. He claims his life is so horrible and depressing that it makes him drink but he never does anything to change it. I'm trying to make our life better, get more hours at work, get straight As in school, get a decent job once I graduate so that he won't have to be so stressed out but taking on all these responsibilities has made me have a nervous breakdown. I spend my whole life trying to be the better person, trying to make everything okay and I'm sick of being the adult all of the time. I'm so overwhelmed by everything lately that all I do is sleep and cry all day. I wish I had a friend to confide in but all of our friends are alcoholics and they usually blow off anything I say about Kris, telling me that I need to ease up and let him have fun....even when I tell them about the threats and the mood swings, they don't realize the severity and tell me to stop being so controlling and let him be. My friends that he doesn't hang out with basically think I'm stupid and need to leave, so I feel ashamed when I confide in them because I know they'll just shake their heads and say I deserve better. I know I deserve better but I can't leave him because I know he needs me and I love him so much. I need someone who understands.
HELP!
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Angel, boy, you have a pretty serious and dangerous situation on your hands here. It does so like he needs treatment for both the Alcoholism and the Depression.
I think many of us would say we have been there too. But, many of us would also say, it is time for you to stop cleaning up his messes. I know there are some things that are intolerable, like going to the bathroom whereever, but if he wakes up in vomit, then he needs to clean it up himself. He is not suffering the consequences of his drinking, becasue you are cleaning up after all his messes. I am not just talking about the "messes" you mentioned. Most of has have been through financial, legal messes too. It is not your responsibility to take care of him when he is "in" his addiction.
This is SCARY. Someone here told be when I first started coming, there are thousands of people in jail for committing crimes they don't even remember doing because they were so drunk. Drunks ARE CAPABLE OF HURTING AND EVEN KILLING whether we want to believe it or not. I have somehow rationalized my AH's behavior, because I think deep down he would never REALLY hurt me or himself. It is because I was so wrapped up in HIS addiction that I didn't have my own life and I couldn't think rationally. Everything was about him and his drinking.
Angel dear, many of us have been right where you are. It doesn't matter what you do. His addiction is HIS. You can't fix it. You can't make him okay. He doesn't drink because he is stressed out about his job, his health, his family. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO! He may SAY that is why he drinks. But, an alcoholic could be sitting at a stop sign, and the guy in the car next to him could be picking his nose, and an alcoholic could make that into a reason to have a drink. I am not trying to be funny, but am trying to get you to see the nature of this illness.
Please, for your own sake, stop trying to be the PERFECT girlfriend. Because, you will never succeed. Then eventually, you will start feeling like a failure because that's what happens to us. We try so hard to make things better, and nothing works.
Alcoholism and Abuse have something in common. They both get worse as the years go by unless they are treated. So PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
It sounds like you have a lot of great goals. School, work, try to keep your focus on YOUR life. It is great you are seeking help. It sounds like you have a busy schedule, but you should take the time to start reading about addiction so you can really understand it. It is a horrible thing that affects all family members.
I hope i haven't offended you in any way. I hope i wasn't too brutally honest. But, when I first came here, i was glad that several people were brutally honest with me. It helped me sift through my own sickness and start to get well.
Originally Posted by AngelEyes82
I've had to stay up all night with him making sure he doesn't choke on his vomit, helping him wipe himself and go to the bathroom so he doesn't **** all over the living room, make sure he's still breathing, etc.
Originally Posted by AngelEyes82
Even worse, when he drinks hard liquor, he gets violent and angry...extremely drunk and has threatened people in the past, myself included with knives.
Originally Posted by AngelEyes82
I'm trying to make our life better, get more hours at work, get straight As in school, get a decent job once I graduate so that he won't have to be so stressed out but taking on all these responsibilities has made me have a nervous breakdown. I spend my whole life trying to be the better person, trying to make everything okay and I'm sick of being the adult all of the time.
Please, for your own sake, stop trying to be the PERFECT girlfriend. Because, you will never succeed. Then eventually, you will start feeling like a failure because that's what happens to us. We try so hard to make things better, and nothing works.
Alcoholism and Abuse have something in common. They both get worse as the years go by unless they are treated. So PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
It sounds like you have a lot of great goals. School, work, try to keep your focus on YOUR life. It is great you are seeking help. It sounds like you have a busy schedule, but you should take the time to start reading about addiction so you can really understand it. It is a horrible thing that affects all family members.
I hope i haven't offended you in any way. I hope i wasn't too brutally honest. But, when I first came here, i was glad that several people were brutally honest with me. It helped me sift through my own sickness and start to get well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
You said - I'm trying to make our life better (what is he contributing?), get more hours at work, get straight As in school, get a decent job once I graduate so that he won't have to be so stressed out but taking on all these responsibilities has made me have a nervous breakdown. I spend my whole life trying to be the better person, trying to make everything okay and I'm sick of being the adult all of the time.
Angel - Wray is right. You HAVE to start living for you. It sounds like your living for him and that is not right. It's not fair to you. Why should you be the one to work so hard and him be the one to enjoy it all? He will never be happy with anything you do b/c he's not happy with himself. You may think you'll get some satisfaction out of giving him a good life, but in the end, unless he realizes he needs help b/c he has a problem, you will be hurt more than your hurting now.
I'm sorry if I sound rough. Your situation sounds just like mine when I was 22. Going to college full time, working full time, "A" student, so many hopes and dreams... My AH took a back seat ride for 14 years until I had enough! Now, he's confused b/c I reached my end. I couldn't do it anymore. Do you want to deal with this for another 10 years or so? You are so young and have so much potential. I love my AH, I will always love my AH. He was my first love. But I don't want that lifestyle anymore. I'm am not a doormat that he can wipe his feet on - and neither are you. I am not saying to leave him, that's a decision only you can make. I know you love him or you wouldn't be here. But you have to love yourself more Angel.
I realized I was co-dependant, my first step to my recovery was a book by Melody Beatie called "Co-Dependant No More". That was a huge help, it taught me a lot about myself. By coming here and attending Al-anon, I've learned that I can have inner-peace. I hope you will too.
Please - start living for you (for me, I had to figure out what that meant). You will find happiness within yourself whether he is actively drinking or not.
I'm sorry for my 2cents. I know you just wanted to vent. I just couldn't stand back and watch you go through so much pain without saying anything. (part of my CoDe behavior...lol)
Keep coming back and vent all you'd like.
Big hugs to you
(((Angeleyes)))
Originally Posted by wraybear
Please, for your own sake, stop trying to be the PERFECT girlfriend. Because, you will never succeed. Then eventually, you will start feeling like a failure because that's what happens to us. We try so hard to make things better, and nothing works.
I'm sorry if I sound rough. Your situation sounds just like mine when I was 22. Going to college full time, working full time, "A" student, so many hopes and dreams... My AH took a back seat ride for 14 years until I had enough! Now, he's confused b/c I reached my end. I couldn't do it anymore. Do you want to deal with this for another 10 years or so? You are so young and have so much potential. I love my AH, I will always love my AH. He was my first love. But I don't want that lifestyle anymore. I'm am not a doormat that he can wipe his feet on - and neither are you. I am not saying to leave him, that's a decision only you can make. I know you love him or you wouldn't be here. But you have to love yourself more Angel.
I realized I was co-dependant, my first step to my recovery was a book by Melody Beatie called "Co-Dependant No More". That was a huge help, it taught me a lot about myself. By coming here and attending Al-anon, I've learned that I can have inner-peace. I hope you will too.
Please - start living for you (for me, I had to figure out what that meant). You will find happiness within yourself whether he is actively drinking or not.
I'm sorry for my 2cents. I know you just wanted to vent. I just couldn't stand back and watch you go through so much pain without saying anything. (part of my CoDe behavior...lol)
Keep coming back and vent all you'd like.
Big hugs to you
(((Angeleyes)))
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
oops, i just reread your post and you started it out "just need to vent" - so so sorry i gave advice. I try to be more aware of that. You didn't ask, so i shouldn't have given. I apologize.
Like you, I have "felt cheated on by the bottle" for 16 years.
I do understand!
Like you, I have "felt cheated on by the bottle" for 16 years.
I do understand!
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Angel--We all come to vent at first--then we start realizing that people here have
a lot of good advice and thier life experiences can really help. Unfortunatly most of us
have helped our alcoholic by being codependent. It's very hard to turn that thinking around. I hope you keep coming back to this sight and venting and reading other
threads. You will learn a lot and realize that you have a lot of love and support here.
I think Jessica and Wraybear were right on the money. You are not in a safe enviroment and you really need to start thinking of your self first. I hope you don't
mind hearing that and I hope you come back and talk some more. We are all here for
you. Love--Smiles--Dee
a lot of good advice and thier life experiences can really help. Unfortunatly most of us
have helped our alcoholic by being codependent. It's very hard to turn that thinking around. I hope you keep coming back to this sight and venting and reading other
threads. You will learn a lot and realize that you have a lot of love and support here.
I think Jessica and Wraybear were right on the money. You are not in a safe enviroment and you really need to start thinking of your self first. I hope you don't
mind hearing that and I hope you come back and talk some more. We are all here for
you. Love--Smiles--Dee
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Maplewood, MN
Posts: 6
I do appreciate the advice guys. Don't feel bad if you think you were rough on me, I need constructive advice from people that have been in my situation....it trust your opinion over my friends who haven't a clue what it's like to be in my shoes. I know I should leave if it gets violent again, he hasn't been violent for almost a year now but he still gets the horrible mood swings all the time.
I know I am trying too hard to be the perfect girlfriend, but I'm a perfectionist in all parts of my life....it's my nature. I panic when i feel like I can't do something perfect. I guess I'm a bit of a control freak.
One thing that I've noticed is I tend to go through phases where I date someone I can take care of, then I'll date someone who'll take care of me.....it's probably part of the codie sickness. I've never been in a relationship where the caring and responsiblity was shared...it was always one way or the other. In a way I feel comforted by knowing I have someone to take care of, it makes me feel useful. I don't know....I guess I've grown accustomed to picking up the pieces. I don't know what I'd do with myself if I wasn't cleaning up his messes. Sometimes I don't even think I know myself anymore.
I know I'm young and I shouldn't put up with my A/B but I love him so much. There's so much pain inside him, and I don't think I could leave him this way. Maybe if he was happier....but his depression is horrible. The last time I tried to leave him, he cut himself and called me at my mom's house telling me that he was planning on killing himself. It's so hard. I love him so much. And I get so much hope when he's sober. He talks about the future, about us getting married, and him going back to school....I guess I cling onto that hope, even though I don't see it happening anytime soon.
He's still young though, maybe he has hope to change. I did tell him that I will not marry him until he's clean and sober and going to AA on a weekly basis. I'm sticking to my word on that. Hopefully someday my prayers will be answered....
Thanks for all your imput. Love, Angel
I know I am trying too hard to be the perfect girlfriend, but I'm a perfectionist in all parts of my life....it's my nature. I panic when i feel like I can't do something perfect. I guess I'm a bit of a control freak.
One thing that I've noticed is I tend to go through phases where I date someone I can take care of, then I'll date someone who'll take care of me.....it's probably part of the codie sickness. I've never been in a relationship where the caring and responsiblity was shared...it was always one way or the other. In a way I feel comforted by knowing I have someone to take care of, it makes me feel useful. I don't know....I guess I've grown accustomed to picking up the pieces. I don't know what I'd do with myself if I wasn't cleaning up his messes. Sometimes I don't even think I know myself anymore.
I know I'm young and I shouldn't put up with my A/B but I love him so much. There's so much pain inside him, and I don't think I could leave him this way. Maybe if he was happier....but his depression is horrible. The last time I tried to leave him, he cut himself and called me at my mom's house telling me that he was planning on killing himself. It's so hard. I love him so much. And I get so much hope when he's sober. He talks about the future, about us getting married, and him going back to school....I guess I cling onto that hope, even though I don't see it happening anytime soon.
He's still young though, maybe he has hope to change. I did tell him that I will not marry him until he's clean and sober and going to AA on a weekly basis. I'm sticking to my word on that. Hopefully someday my prayers will be answered....
Thanks for all your imput. Love, Angel
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Angel -
I've said this to other newcomers and in your situation I think it bears repeating.
In my case, when my fear of what would become of him if I left was overshadowed by my fear of what would happen to me if I stayed, it was time for me to go. It was the right thing for me to do. Please, just keep this phrase in your mind in case things get worse. We really do deserve to save ourselves. We try so hard to save them and unless that is what they want for themselves, there truly is nothing we can do but take care of ourselves. I'm so sorry that you are going throught this, especially at your young age. Please take care of yourself and know that there are alot of people here that care about you too.
Hugs, Jo
I've said this to other newcomers and in your situation I think it bears repeating.
In my case, when my fear of what would become of him if I left was overshadowed by my fear of what would happen to me if I stayed, it was time for me to go. It was the right thing for me to do. Please, just keep this phrase in your mind in case things get worse. We really do deserve to save ourselves. We try so hard to save them and unless that is what they want for themselves, there truly is nothing we can do but take care of ourselves. I'm so sorry that you are going throught this, especially at your young age. Please take care of yourself and know that there are alot of people here that care about you too.
Hugs, Jo
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Please Angel, be careful.
You're in a vilotile situation. Your needs aren't being met and yet, you make it a point of taking care of someone else. You need to start thinking of yourself first. He's a big boy. You're not his mommy.
Find some alanon meetings. You'll get a lot of support from other women who are going through the same thing or who have. And come back here. You'll notice that we're a grand group of people. We love you and want you to know we're always here for you when you need to rant, rave and just raise a little hell to feel better.
Blessings, Kathy
You're in a vilotile situation. Your needs aren't being met and yet, you make it a point of taking care of someone else. You need to start thinking of yourself first. He's a big boy. You're not his mommy.
Find some alanon meetings. You'll get a lot of support from other women who are going through the same thing or who have. And come back here. You'll notice that we're a grand group of people. We love you and want you to know we're always here for you when you need to rant, rave and just raise a little hell to feel better.
Blessings, Kathy
"What Now?"
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Kingport, Tennessee
Posts: 16
Amen to all the good advice others have given you on this board.
Also, amen to gelfling. You are not his Mommy or babysitter. And, if you don't think of yourself first, you will lose your self. Take it from me, I know. I'm trying to find myself again after 17 years of being married to an ah.
Read: "Co-Dependent No More". Great book.
May the angels surround you.
Sam
Also, amen to gelfling. You are not his Mommy or babysitter. And, if you don't think of yourself first, you will lose your self. Take it from me, I know. I'm trying to find myself again after 17 years of being married to an ah.
Read: "Co-Dependent No More". Great book.
May the angels surround you.
Sam
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Originally Posted by AngelEyes82
I know I'm young and I shouldn't put up with my A/B but I love him so much. There's so much pain inside him, and I don't think I could leave him this way. Maybe if he was happier....but his depression is horrible. The last time I tried to leave him, he cut himself and called me at my mom's house telling me that he was planning on killing himself. It's so hard. I love him so much. And I get so much hope when he's sober. He talks about the future, about us getting married, and him going back to school....I guess I cling onto that hope, even though I don't see it happening anytime soon.
No one said you have to make a choice today. And with the right support you can learn to detach from his A behavior with love. Detaching does not mean to "leave him" it means to live your life happier and healthier.
Are there any Al-Anon meetings where you live?
Originally Posted by AngelEyes82
He's still young though, maybe he has hope to change. I did tell him that I will not marry him until he's clean and sober and going to AA on a weekly basis. I'm sticking to my word on that. Hopefully someday my prayers will be answered.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Not that you asked,
I am 43 and have been married 18 years. My wife is now in recovery and has been for 13 months and is doing wonderful. We have 3 kids. It has not been easy but somehow we have managed and carved out a pretty good life.
Our oldest daughter is also 22. If she came to me with your situation i would tell her this. He will not change until he is ready. You can do nothing about it. There is NO DIFFERENCE between hard liqour and Beer. My advice-GET OUT NOW. You sound smart and caring. Use those brains and RUN, do not walk, away from this situation. I would tell her that she will meet someone without this baggage, fall in love, get married, and it will still be hard.
Do not set boundaries, at 22 you should be living your life not babysitting. It may sound hard and it is.
I am speaking from experience. I do not understand how a b/f or g/f will spend years trying to reform someone. Take care of yourself, meet someone who will take care of and love you. YOU DESERVE THAT MUCH.
I am 43 and have been married 18 years. My wife is now in recovery and has been for 13 months and is doing wonderful. We have 3 kids. It has not been easy but somehow we have managed and carved out a pretty good life.
Our oldest daughter is also 22. If she came to me with your situation i would tell her this. He will not change until he is ready. You can do nothing about it. There is NO DIFFERENCE between hard liqour and Beer. My advice-GET OUT NOW. You sound smart and caring. Use those brains and RUN, do not walk, away from this situation. I would tell her that she will meet someone without this baggage, fall in love, get married, and it will still be hard.
Do not set boundaries, at 22 you should be living your life not babysitting. It may sound hard and it is.
I am speaking from experience. I do not understand how a b/f or g/f will spend years trying to reform someone. Take care of yourself, meet someone who will take care of and love you. YOU DESERVE THAT MUCH.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 7
Angel,
I agree with the good advice here, although I understand that you will not leave until you are ready. I have been with my AH for 9 years now. I saw signs of his drinking problem early on, but minimalized them and justifed them. Because I loved him. Now, he has never threatened to kill me or hurt me, so I would really look at that if I were you. But I can tell you that I wish, on a lot of occasions, that I left my AH 9 years ago when I was still young. My life would have been a lot different. Yes, I would have missed out on a lot of great experiences with him, but overall, sadly, I would rather have not endured what I have endured over these last 9 years, emotionally speaking. Please consider this. I hoped my AH would change, improve, become happier, grow, etc.., which he has to some small degree, but the underlying problems are still there, after all of these years. It won't go away. Do you want this for the rest of your life? Please think about it, and believe in yourself and your own future.
I agree with the good advice here, although I understand that you will not leave until you are ready. I have been with my AH for 9 years now. I saw signs of his drinking problem early on, but minimalized them and justifed them. Because I loved him. Now, he has never threatened to kill me or hurt me, so I would really look at that if I were you. But I can tell you that I wish, on a lot of occasions, that I left my AH 9 years ago when I was still young. My life would have been a lot different. Yes, I would have missed out on a lot of great experiences with him, but overall, sadly, I would rather have not endured what I have endured over these last 9 years, emotionally speaking. Please consider this. I hoped my AH would change, improve, become happier, grow, etc.., which he has to some small degree, but the underlying problems are still there, after all of these years. It won't go away. Do you want this for the rest of your life? Please think about it, and believe in yourself and your own future.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: birmingham, england
Posts: 3
Angel,
Coco04 made some valid points. I too wish that i could turn back the clock five years and two small shildren ago. I have reached that point of no retun.
I am looking to the future now - and being a single mom with a 2yr old and a six month old baby is preferable to enduring any more pain or hurt. The past 5yrs have been hell or heaven. (The buzz you get when he isn't drinking) There was no stability for me or my two children. I belive I am a co-depandant as well as a provoker and am now actively seeking help.
Angel, you have so much going for you, believe me I have been where you have been. I thought i could change him, be everything that he wanted me to be. My being with him and sticking with him is not helping him, because while i remain in a relationship where "drink rules ok" he will have no incentive to give up - beacause there I am picking up the pieces, fixing stuff, mopping up ****, lying to my friends and family, wiping vomit from around the toilet bowl, making bottles, going to work, ironing...the list goes on. But who is looking after me and you Angel..?
You are obviously a very, bright and intelligent woman, who can take care of herself and hold her own. Imagine what life would be like w/o him weighing you down?
Angel you cannot save him. But you can save youself. Buy a self help book that will open your eyes to your relationship and YOUR behaviour and his disease. ("Getting them Sober")
You are not alone. I am living your life. I understand that it is hard, but you know deep down that the way you are living is not right.
Get help babes...I am xxxx
Coco04 made some valid points. I too wish that i could turn back the clock five years and two small shildren ago. I have reached that point of no retun.
I am looking to the future now - and being a single mom with a 2yr old and a six month old baby is preferable to enduring any more pain or hurt. The past 5yrs have been hell or heaven. (The buzz you get when he isn't drinking) There was no stability for me or my two children. I belive I am a co-depandant as well as a provoker and am now actively seeking help.
Angel, you have so much going for you, believe me I have been where you have been. I thought i could change him, be everything that he wanted me to be. My being with him and sticking with him is not helping him, because while i remain in a relationship where "drink rules ok" he will have no incentive to give up - beacause there I am picking up the pieces, fixing stuff, mopping up ****, lying to my friends and family, wiping vomit from around the toilet bowl, making bottles, going to work, ironing...the list goes on. But who is looking after me and you Angel..?
You are obviously a very, bright and intelligent woman, who can take care of herself and hold her own. Imagine what life would be like w/o him weighing you down?
Angel you cannot save him. But you can save youself. Buy a self help book that will open your eyes to your relationship and YOUR behaviour and his disease. ("Getting them Sober")
You are not alone. I am living your life. I understand that it is hard, but you know deep down that the way you are living is not right.
Get help babes...I am xxxx
Last edited by sodapop; 12-28-2004 at 08:24 AM. Reason: grammar
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Maplewood, MN
Posts: 6
Leaving isn't so easy for me to do either. I don't want to make it sound hopeless because maybe I could find some way to make it work but I don't make enough money to support myself and live on my own while I'm going to college. I suppose I could find a roommate but it's hard because I'm a really private person and enjoy having a lot of space....I don't like partying or a lot of noise and most the people that I meet in school that are looking for a roommate are still involved in that kind of lifestyle.
I also don't want to give up my pets, I love them more than anything, they are my babies and I don't want to have to give them up when I leave. The last time I tried to leave, I moved in with my parents and I was absolutely miserable, away from my home, my pets and my AB. I was especially worried sick about my pets, my boyfriend doesn't take care of them, I do and I don't trust them with him. Plus, if I did leave, and my name was still on the lease, I'm afraid my AB would be late on all the bills, or just not pay them and my rental history would get tarnished. I know it probably seems like I'm defeating myself before I start but to me leaving just doesn't seem like an option yet.
I also don't want to give up my pets, I love them more than anything, they are my babies and I don't want to have to give them up when I leave. The last time I tried to leave, I moved in with my parents and I was absolutely miserable, away from my home, my pets and my AB. I was especially worried sick about my pets, my boyfriend doesn't take care of them, I do and I don't trust them with him. Plus, if I did leave, and my name was still on the lease, I'm afraid my AB would be late on all the bills, or just not pay them and my rental history would get tarnished. I know it probably seems like I'm defeating myself before I start but to me leaving just doesn't seem like an option yet.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Angel - you can still work on making yourself healthier. I know you are busy, but have you thought about finding and Al-Anon meeting.
You have to start focusing on you and your needs. He obviously is not meeting your needs. I know you love him. You have to love you more. Take care of you, do what you need to do for you.
You have to start focusing on you and your needs. He obviously is not meeting your needs. I know you love him. You have to love you more. Take care of you, do what you need to do for you.
On My Own Now....
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 15
Hello Angel! I just have to tell you that I left my AH after 8 years the day after Thanksgiving. As said, you begin to fear what will happen to you more than what will happen to them if you leave; I did. I immediately started going to Alanon meetings and reading Alanon books and literature. I relate to almost everything that you are going through. I am not telling you whether you should leave or not, I am just suggesting Alanon as a way to see things more clearly and focus on YOU and how to live HAPPIER and have HEALTHIER relationships in the future. I wish you peace and serenity and the courage to change the things you can. Take Care of You!!
-SunDance
-SunDance
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