Ann25

I`ve been fighting with myself for a week now on posting a thread. But I just cant seem to get through this. I know that the holidays take alot of us back out there and that scares me. I dont know why but this time of year has always been hard for me. I have been so depressed lately and its driving me crazy!! Not to mention people who care about me. I cry all the time! Most of the time for no apparent reason!! Well...guilt Im sure has something to do with it. I had 3 months(my longest clean time ever!!!) and I went out and drank!! Of coarse I justified it to myself as--at least Im not smoking crack! But that was a possibility that night! For some reason I didnt! But that doesnt make me feel any better! I lost my clean time yet again!!!
I know the routine--pick yourself up and get back into it--but I feel like I just dont have it in me. I start to tell myself that its a waste of time--I`ll always need SOMETHING to make me feel better. But it never does!! I have no desire to smoke--really. That surprises me. But staying sober is so fu**ing hard!!!
I dont know where it came from!! I was so positive!! But lately it seems my faith is gone. I need to get it back. I just dont know how. I hear what people are telling me-- I just dont FEEL it!
Also-- I did cut down on my meetings--which probly has something to do with it. But I thought I was doing ok. The night I went out drinking I really had no reason--I just WANTED to. Where was my faith that night? I know that this is not Gods will for me--and my will just gets me in trouble--so why do I keep this s**t up?
Im sorry if Im all over the place. I cant seem to get my thoughts in order.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
Ann

nodope

Ahhhh Ann, That's good you posted that. Verbalizing I think helps. Often I think that whole crying, and feeling hopeless has to be chemical. Well heck it IS chemical right?

You are really trying so hard. That's a good thing. I'm looking at it like this "Well at least I won't be missing on Christmas Eve while my family is in Church I'm running around trying to cop. I'll be home for the first time on Christmas morning, and don't have to think up a lie why I HAVE to go out somewhere when everyone else is opening presents. My gift to them is peace of mind so they're not worrying sick". I know it's not all that simple. It's a start.

Hang tough. I'm sure everyone here can really empathize. You're doing well. I don't know why we lose faith. That's an awful empty feeling though. Sending you lots of compassion, and hope.

findingout

Ann,

You didn't lose your clean time. You only broke your string of continuous sober 24 hour periods. As to why? You said it "I just WANTED to."

So you did it and now you regret it. Don't do it again. Remember how you felt this morning the next time you "just WANT to". At best, picking up is only going to give you a three hour break from reality. That never changes unless you go on the 24/7 alcohol plan and please believe me, that is not somewhere you ever want to go.

Glad you posted. Glad your back. Take it easy. Don't pick up.

One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless

CAPTAINZING2000

DOGS BARK DRUNKS DRINK.

For some reason, this has taken me several attempts to post this. How do you plan to spend the holidays? Right now, there are a lot of blood drives going on. The Red Cross can use your blood. Do some volunteer work. Try and check with the hospital where you are, see if they can use anyone . Any charities in your home town needing volunteers?
Do you have any older relatives that would be glad to have someone do errends for them? How about older neighbors that you could check up on?

How well are you working this program? Do you use your sponser? Did you give your sponse a call before you went out?

How longs it been since you've made a gratitude list? Are you holding any resentments? Do you owe any one amends? Christmas is the best time to patch things up. Call your family and friends that you wont get to see over the holidays. tel them you love them. Make them feel better, it'll make you feel better.
Do you start your day off with prayer and meditation? I was such a self centered SOB I didn't think, God wanted anything to do with me. Faith is something you have to work at. Pray for God's will for you. Pray for the knowledge to do the right thing. That's why the serenity prayer is short and simlple use it all day long if you have to to.

Are you taking care of your self? Do you eat right, sleep right, do any exercising? Go get a makeover. Go shop and buy yourself a little something.

Do you call any one and ask them if they want to go to a meeting with you. Do you make coffee for the meeting pass out the readings etc.

Most important of all don't isolate, be with friends and family.

You can get through this a lot of us have gone through it when, we got sober. You're not alone we're here to support you

nutz

I hate it when I get those voids.
I'm like a baby that need that secure warm feeling(love) all the time.
Thur acceptance of my higher power, I've learned how to go
beyound faith and accept it as always being there.
However, when my higher power communicate with me thur verious
channels. I get the same message over and over again.
Like a child, I don't listen of course. And for some stupid reason
I don't progress,grow and feel like I'm stuck if I don't do those
things, of the meassages I been recieving.
95% of the time, its HELP SOMEBODY.
Not to save the world or something along those line.
But to give somebody a ride to meetings, help the secutary clean
up. Listen to new comers share after a meeting to let them get
stuff off their chess. Open doors for people. Give homless people
food or money. Help a kid strieve a ball and etc..
These events or opprotunities occur all around me everyday.
Not only during the holidays. I'm fully aware of them.
It is however thur getting out of my BS or selfcenterness that
I do these litte dees. The things is , It dosen't even take five
minuts of my time or half the energy. Whats even more of a trip!
The problems that I''ve struggling with had seem to taken
care of itself or was resolved. The Big Happy Dude works in
mysterious ways, I guess.....

Ann25

Thank You..........
I know what I need to do!!!!!!!!! Gotta stop feeling sorry for myself and just "do it"!!!!!
Its just so frustrating!!!!!! I want this all to just go away-- and I know that isn`t gonna happen!!!! I have alot of work ahead of me but I`m on my way. It wasnt that long ago when my bad attitude would of got the best of me. So I can see how much I really have grown.
I need every prayer that I can get!!!!!
Love,
Ann

BubbaBob

...when we drink that first drink...the relapse begins before ingesting alcohol.

It seems to me that most people that are serious about quitting but relapse usually work the 12 steps backwards, quitting most if not all of them gradually.

12. They quit working with other alcoholics/addicts, and service, at least for me, is an imperative.
11. Their "concious contact with God..." begins to weaken. I know that, for me, I MUST daily ask God to lend me His strength to have a physically, mentally, and spiritually sober day, and to ask what His will is for me that day. I also must thank God each evening for that days blessings.
10. They quit taking that personal inventory we must have to keep our actions in line with "doing the next right thing". A general "well, I did pretty good today" does me no good.
9. They quit making amends to those they have hurt. Hell, they (read "I") didn't want to do it anyway...I have my pride, right? (Pride and ego...bad bad bad things for BubbaBob,,,his worst character defect).
8. More unwillingness to make amends...more pride...and they don't want to even list them because that just reminds them that they aren't working the program.
7. Yes, they want their shortcomings removed...except those that are fun...after all, do I REALLY want to quit imagining how much fun it would be to nail that fantastic looking brunette......? (I'm 50, I'm not dead).
6. See 7 above.
5. They don't want to tell anyone about their continued shortcomings...after all, then someone might think a relapse is coming....hmmm....
4. The "I've already done this, I don't have to do it again" syndrome. Yes you do...over and over and over.
3. Then we start taking our will back.
2. Then we think maybe we can do this on our own, that we don't need help.
1. Then complacency says, "Hey, life's pretty good as far as my staying sober...doesn't seem unmanageable after all..."

Then we drink.

A relapse is not an event, it is a progression, usually like described above. We all start that backward countdown occasionally, but we CAN cut it off before the drinking happens.

Work the program frontward, not in reverse.

BubbaBob

findingout

Big Ups BubbaBob!

Thank you so much. That, as they, was a message we all need to hear.

Keep the faith Ann. I know you can do this thing.

One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless

kckman

Ann, it seems like once in awhile you could look at the progress you are making, before having that drink and then give yourself a pat on the back. 24 hours sober is a day earned. I have found it feels better to aknowledge what you are doing why you are doing it. Instead of drinking and then looking at your progress. We learn and then we move on to the next lession a day at a time. Good luck.

duain1967

ann, we somtimes take our eyes of whats the most important thing that is our relationship with the lord. our flesh is allways going to tempt us, and i belive that our faith is sometimes lost because of it. keep running that race and pray all the time. thing will get better.