wraybear

I think I don't love my husband anymore. I think I still love my husband. Repeat that about 100 times and you will get an idea of how I have been feeling.

The counselor at my church suggested my AH and start going to church together. He was kicked out about 9 weeks ago. We went last night, and he was trying to be lovey dovey and I didn't want him to even touch me. I was almost disgusted by it.

Why can't I get in touch with my feelings? I feel like I am doing pretty well, with just me and the kiddos. Yet, when he is not around, I sometimes miss him.

I also invited him over for Christmas. I even suggested he spend the night Christmas Eve. GEEZ?? what is the matter with me?

This is the 2nd time he has been gone for 8+ weeks, other than when he had the car accident three years ago and he was in the hospital for 2 1/2 months.

When I do feel like I am missing him, i wonder if I just want him back for a little, (very little since he is disabled now becasue of the accident) financial help, or maybe just some help with taking care of the kids.

I know I love him, but don't know if I am in love with him. I felt this way for about 1 1/2 years after the accident, then felt like i was falling in love again. But now, I don't know. I want to do what is best for the kids and for me. I want to do what God would have me do. Last spring, did I really start falling in love with him again, or did I just get tired of just living in the same house with someone and decided to try harder? I know no one can answer that for me, but I sure wish you could.

I REALLY miss intimate moments. Not sex, just being together, talking, laughing, sharing. I just don't know if that can even happen again with him.

He is SAYING all the right things. Started a new recovery group, continuing with his old recovery group which his sponsor and a buddy are going to start having him be more accountable to them than in the past. Going to do one on one counseling for the first time ever. Whatever.

So my plan is to just wait. Wait and see what happens. I am TRULY living about 24 hours at a time because that's all I can handle. I don't have to get divorced in the next 24 hours. I don't have to have him in this house in the next 24 hours. Does that sound like a good plan?

Peaches04

HI wraybear! I'm sure so many people can relate to what you say. I was so scared to even admit to myself that I may not love my husband anymore...I'm not sure why. But, then sometimes I love him sooo much. I wrote a post a long time ago about what I want, since that is something I had never thought about...I wanted simple things like hugs in the morning, kisses at night, intimate conversation, talk of hopes, dreams, our children, etc. I realized that my AH gives me none of these. He says I love you when we're on the phone, or when he's about to leave - but, that's it. I wonder if he even really is capable of that kind of love. I don't think he is, at least not while he is an active alcoholic. It's a dysfunctional game with alcoholics - it plays tricks on your mind - hence, the reason we all think we're insane 1/2 the time! I just wanted to say that I understand you completely, and send you big hugs

Live

24 hours at a time is a great way to take it!!
Applause!

JennyK

There are times that I live one minute to the next.

I hated my husband last week, this week I am more in love with him than ever.

How do you feel about yourself? I often find that a better gauge of how things are going. If I loathe the actions that I am taking and I hate the feelings that I am feeling, then I know it is time for more work on myself. If I love what I am doing and feel good about the person I am at that moment, then I know to continue on that same path.

Jenny

best

Love isn't a feeling. It is a action. From your posts I have read over time... You do love him.
Maybe what your feelings are telling you...
You are tired of...______ ?
You may need to work the steps some more ?
But mostly...
You are human and just like every one else, we may not like some people at this very minute but wait a minute and that can change.
The idea of going to church with you sounds nice.
I wouldn't make it a conditional thing though. A sugestion. An idea. A thought. Leave the ball in his hands and let him make the choice to go or not go. Maybe make it a date location? A invite with no strings. Just a place to go and maybe gather some things to talk about for just after ?

Live

Thank you best for clarifying that. Love isn't a feeling. It is an action, a commitment, a chosen responsibility.
alot of us needed to hear that!
God bless you!

FormerDoormat

Wraybear:

My question to you is how long are you willing to wait? Just 24 hours you say? Well, how many 24-hour periods have you waited already, probably as many as I have. I'm certainly no expert (well perhaps an expert Codie), but my advice to you is to stop waiting. Remember the old saying, "Time waits for no one?" Well, it waits not for you. While you're waiting for your AH to become something that he may never become, life is passing you by. Perhaps you should stop waiting for something that may never happen and move on to something new. Even if you can't physically leave your AH behind, you can leave him behind emotionally.

Start planning a life without him. Think about what you love to do, what makes you happy, what makes you feel important, appreciated, and loved. Then set some goals and start working towards them. Even if you choose to continue living with your AH, once he sees that he's no longer the center of your universe and you're truly happy in spite of him, perhaps he might just want to join the club.

Here's hoping your dreams come true.

FormerDoormat

Note to self: Make sure I follow the sound advice I just offered to Wraybear.

Dee at Mt Bully

All of these posts really hit home for me. I'm not up to 24 hours--more like 4-6 and
every day is a new set of love him love him not. One thing that is helping me is to
set aside the love issue and look at the quality of my life. Love is not the only ingredient to make a marriage or partnership work. I'm sure I love my AH but I cannot
see living the rest of my life with his addiction and him. When I look at the day to day life he is mostly a problem and makes my life an unmanagable roller coster. It's very
sad to think it comes down to that but I don't see him working toward any recovery.
He just seems to except that our marriage ending will be a side affect of his alcoholism
and goes on about his business. I'm not sure how I would feel if he was working toward recovery--it certainly would be incouraging but it might be to late. There
is the reality that to much damage has been done to repair the relationship. Maybe
this rambling is helpful--for sure you are not alone with your thoughts. Smiles--Dee

MysticCat

I deffinitely agree you are not alone in those thoughts. I too wonder all of this myself. Some days I am strong and I stand my ground and feel like I can do anything on my own, and some days I feel lonely without him (and I havent left yet!) Right now I too am living minute by minute. I am trying to weigh what I would lose if I left versus what I could possibly gain. We all want to feel loved, and I think we all agree that our A's aren't capable of giving us that love. But sometimes it's hard to lose hope. Hugs to you!

Blessings,
MysticCat

best

active A's can't or don't know how to. Recovered A's do learn as I think and feel that I am proof of that. Doesn't mean all can and will but there is always hope. In any relationship even that of none A's, there is always room for growth as well. Nothing is guaranteed but there is always hope.

StandingStrong

I love my husband.
A part of me will always love him and hold him close to my heart.
However.....for me, I've also come to realize that neither of us was truly happy together.
And I have chosen to move on with my life and let the past be in the past.
I have chosen to have some self respect - goodness knows he didn't give me respect!
But you know what - I still have days where I really miss my AH (he's been moved out going on a year here soon). There are days I'm saddened that our marriage has come to this.
Personally, I think it's all a normal part of the greiving process. Greiving what he had hoped our marriages would be, the person that we know our Ah's are possible of becoming, our hopes and dreams of our lives together, etc.
I'll probably greive a little forever, but I'll move on and hope to be happy!

Easier said than done, but darn it, I"m trying!

DesertEyes

I love my wife with all my heart and soul. I love the way she laughs, the way she hugs her grandkids. I love the sun shining in her hair and the way the world turns beautiful when I think of her. I love the life we built together, our friends telling us we are the luckiest couple in the world because our love is so strong.

I miss the way we used to be silly together, the way we'd sing songs in the aisles of the grocery store. I miss our dreams, our worries. I miss coming home and finding her hugging some lost little critter, her eyes filled with worry that I would not want to adopt yet another one.

I hate the disease and how it has taken her away. I hate how it destroys her from the inside out. I hate the places it's going to take her and the pain she is going to endure.

I pray that she be spared. I pray that her HP have mercy on her and find some way of avoiding the horrors this disease can bring. So many nights I have been on my knees and begged my MP that if there were any way to trade places with her, I would do it in a second.

There are moments when I am weak. When my faith stumbles and falls. Moments when I would trade all my tomorrows for a single yesterday. If I could, I would. With all my heart and soul I would.

But I can't.

So I find myself a little corner where I can hide and I cry. I cry in grief, and I cry in pain, and I cry at the injustice that would take someone so innocent, so gentle, someone who has already suffered so much and give her even greater challenges in life.

When the crying passes I pick myself up. I find somebody to call. I watch the sunset and tell myself it's my HP finger painting in the sky. I do what I can for the people I know who's lives are harder than mine. I thank my HP for giving me my sobriety today, for allowing me to live a life filled with wonder and people who care for me. I do whatever responsibilities I have in front of me. I try to do a little something for me, a little extra attention to help me heal.

I remind myself that tomorrow there will be another soul in pain with whom I can share a little experience, strength and hope and that together we can make our lives happy, joyous and free. Tomorrow, my HP will be finger painting the sky again, and I want to see what he comes up with. He's offering me that chance, all I have to do is work this program, reach out to others and believe in him. Just for today.

Mike :-)

FormerDoormat

Dear Mr. Broccoli Head:

I read your posting last night and it made me cry. I wished there was a way that I could magically ease your pain. And then it hit me. I think I can. So, last night I asked my HP to create a gift just for you and deliver it right to your door.

Just for today I asked my HP to finger paint the most beautiful sunset you've ever seen. Consider it a gift from your HP with a little hug attached at the end from me.

sam

I don't mean to sound almost giddy. But, I am new to this forum site and am so glad I have finally found people that understand, gone through the same junk, and question their love for their spouse.

I am newly separated from my husband. I too have feelings for him sometimes. I think about the family times we have had, the laughter, sharing hard times together, and also the hugs and kisses. Even though, he is still blaming me for everything, my love feelings creep in. I ask myself, "What the hell is wrong with me?" But, I guess after sharing 17 years of marriage just can't be erased. My heart doesn't ache for him, but just miss him sometimes. The holiday's aren't easy as this will be my first Christmas without him in 17 years. But, (and there is always a big but), I quickly remind myself of the endless hours of worry, walking on glass, verbal abuse, pushing my daughter, and being outrageous when he was drunk. Plus, how depressed I had come during the last couple of years of our marriage.

Therefore, my conclusion to my thoughts of "love" is: I lost myself somewhere in this marriage. How much I gave and he never gave back. Taking care of him sober and drunk. What kind of life had that become for me. Where did I go? Someone previously said and was right, love is only a part of a lasting marriage. I want to live my life free of the needless worry of living with an ah. I want to have my life back, not looking out and "babysitting" someone else's.

Glad to be here. This is wonderful. I am so thankful there are people out there that understand. God Bless.

Sam

*By the way, how do you get a picture next to your name with your posts? I am so non-savvy about computer use!

If someone could help me with that, it would be great!