I did it....What now?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Astral Plane
Posts: 64
I did it....What now?
Well, I finally told AH how I am feeling. I spent two weeks going through my journal of the past years and noting that almost every entry is the same crap. I inventoried the relationship, and decided that I have had enough and my kids emotional well being are in jepordy as well as my own. I am not afraid to be alone and feel sound in my decision. I have my plan (but have to wait for an estate settlement first). So I approached him in a mostly sober state, told him assertively how I feel, and how his behavior and drinking is affecting everyone in the family and that for myself and the kids if he didnt get help, I was leaving him. He seemed shocked, acted remorseful, kissed my butt a little and then grabbed a beer, headed out the door to pick up pizza! AGGGGGG I can't understand why he just doesnt GET IT! So this is my story, I am sticking to it. When the settlement is done, I will be leaving. I am scared as hell, but I know it's time to move on. Is it normal to question yourself? Sometimes I feel so strong, and others I feel like I could just melt. I swear this has to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Thanks for listening.
Blessings,
MysticCat
Blessings,
MysticCat
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Mystic Cat
Sorry you're having to go through this. I'm just a little way ahead of you in that I split up with my b/f 3 weeks ago.
I have just looked back at some of my old posts and found one from the beginning of June after I'd found another empty bottle, despite promises from the day before. I had decided to leave then, but it was early December before the time was right. Most importantly, December was when I had some al-anon time under my belt and my head was clear. I don't doubt my decision now, wheareas if I'd gone in the summer, I think I would have come back again.
You have told him how you feel and he has chosen to carry on as before. Hard though it is, that is his choice. When you sat down to talk to him, I hope you didn't expect him to react any differently. I know that I have done that hundreds of times and the only result was to make me feel worse. I now sometimes talk to my ex to share my feelings, but what he does with that information is entirely up to him. I have to make a conscious decision not to get worked up if he doesn't react how I would like, but it getting easier all the time.
Mystic, I know how scary the future looks from here. Change is always full of fear, but for our own sanity we have to push through that fear. I realised that a future of the same old crap, and the waste of my life as well as his, actually scared me more than thinking about the unknown.
You have made a very brave decision. He has been given his chances - I imagine that you just don't have any more left to give.
We'll be here for you every step of the way. Don't doubt that.
Love
Minnie
xxxx
Sorry you're having to go through this. I'm just a little way ahead of you in that I split up with my b/f 3 weeks ago.
I have just looked back at some of my old posts and found one from the beginning of June after I'd found another empty bottle, despite promises from the day before. I had decided to leave then, but it was early December before the time was right. Most importantly, December was when I had some al-anon time under my belt and my head was clear. I don't doubt my decision now, wheareas if I'd gone in the summer, I think I would have come back again.
You have told him how you feel and he has chosen to carry on as before. Hard though it is, that is his choice. When you sat down to talk to him, I hope you didn't expect him to react any differently. I know that I have done that hundreds of times and the only result was to make me feel worse. I now sometimes talk to my ex to share my feelings, but what he does with that information is entirely up to him. I have to make a conscious decision not to get worked up if he doesn't react how I would like, but it getting easier all the time.
Mystic, I know how scary the future looks from here. Change is always full of fear, but for our own sanity we have to push through that fear. I realised that a future of the same old crap, and the waste of my life as well as his, actually scared me more than thinking about the unknown.
You have made a very brave decision. He has been given his chances - I imagine that you just don't have any more left to give.
We'll be here for you every step of the way. Don't doubt that.
Love
Minnie
xxxx
Ugh!
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
Hey Mystic,
I know exactly how ya feel. My therapist told me last week that she hates ultimatums because they are so very hard to stick to. But I feel that it is time for me to do it and give myself a timeframe to get out. I also have to wait for some legal stuff before I can leave. It's like a rollarcoaster ride of emotions of should I? Can I? Am I strong enough? Guilt creeps in there as well... I gave him the old ultimatum almost a year ago and it was not taken seriously at that time, so I left for the summer only to come back again... He never did stop the drinking and drugging. Recently I found that letter and relized just how much I have grown. I was not strong enough that time. I've since found support and therapy so now I know for a fact that when I go I will not be coming back. In someways that's more scary to me. He never will "get it" and it makes me terribly sad. However even if I am terrified, I know that I can still move on with my life. I think that is the definition of bravery, going on into battle even though you are scared outta your witts. This for me is also the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and yes, I question myself all the time, but the the question I keep asking myself is: "Knowing that you cannot change him, knowing that he will not change, do you want to be with someone who will not grow with you for the rest of your life?" I know for me the answer is no way. I can be better alone or find happiness in someone else whom is a whole person without addiction being at the center of the relationship. The only way I can do this however is to be a whole person myself first so for now I'm working on me and my growth both emotionally and spiritually. It stinks to not have a quick fix and a quick split up but I have to have faith in my HP that there is a reason for all of this maybe it's not my lesson but his, who knows. Good luck to you! and big ((((HUGS))))
~Faithchaser
I know exactly how ya feel. My therapist told me last week that she hates ultimatums because they are so very hard to stick to. But I feel that it is time for me to do it and give myself a timeframe to get out. I also have to wait for some legal stuff before I can leave. It's like a rollarcoaster ride of emotions of should I? Can I? Am I strong enough? Guilt creeps in there as well... I gave him the old ultimatum almost a year ago and it was not taken seriously at that time, so I left for the summer only to come back again... He never did stop the drinking and drugging. Recently I found that letter and relized just how much I have grown. I was not strong enough that time. I've since found support and therapy so now I know for a fact that when I go I will not be coming back. In someways that's more scary to me. He never will "get it" and it makes me terribly sad. However even if I am terrified, I know that I can still move on with my life. I think that is the definition of bravery, going on into battle even though you are scared outta your witts. This for me is also the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and yes, I question myself all the time, but the the question I keep asking myself is: "Knowing that you cannot change him, knowing that he will not change, do you want to be with someone who will not grow with you for the rest of your life?" I know for me the answer is no way. I can be better alone or find happiness in someone else whom is a whole person without addiction being at the center of the relationship. The only way I can do this however is to be a whole person myself first so for now I'm working on me and my growth both emotionally and spiritually. It stinks to not have a quick fix and a quick split up but I have to have faith in my HP that there is a reason for all of this maybe it's not my lesson but his, who knows. Good luck to you! and big ((((HUGS))))
~Faithchaser
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Faithchaser
I found that ultimatums just didn't work. In the end, I simply decided that I wanted a healthy life and healthy relationships and my ex was either on the same page or not. He wasn't. Who knows whether he will be in the future, but that's not my problem.
We had a long and constructive discussion last night. Whilst we were talking I realised someting quite profound. When we got together, his life was going down the pan. He was about to be thrown out of his rented house, his ex wife had left with all the furniture, he had more debt than he could service and he was drinking like there was no tomorrow. I came along and did a mega rescue and saved him from all that crap. Now I realise that he was days or weeks away from what could have been his bottom. He could have been in recovery for the last 3 years.
I'm not about to do the same again.
I found that ultimatums just didn't work. In the end, I simply decided that I wanted a healthy life and healthy relationships and my ex was either on the same page or not. He wasn't. Who knows whether he will be in the future, but that's not my problem.
We had a long and constructive discussion last night. Whilst we were talking I realised someting quite profound. When we got together, his life was going down the pan. He was about to be thrown out of his rented house, his ex wife had left with all the furniture, he had more debt than he could service and he was drinking like there was no tomorrow. I came along and did a mega rescue and saved him from all that crap. Now I realise that he was days or weeks away from what could have been his bottom. He could have been in recovery for the last 3 years.
I'm not about to do the same again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
All I wanted was for my A to be well. I left many times. And went back. The final time, the only way I could stick with it was to come here everyday and count the days of my successes (no contact).
2 1/2 years later. Getting out was the best thing I could do, for myself, for him, for everybody involved.
I have no doubts that I never want that kind of life again.
And after almost 2 yrs of no contact, we talk now as friends. But with time the detachment is real. I don't want to be in the drama.
2 1/2 years later. Getting out was the best thing I could do, for myself, for him, for everybody involved.
I have no doubts that I never want that kind of life again.
And after almost 2 yrs of no contact, we talk now as friends. But with time the detachment is real. I don't want to be in the drama.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Minnie...if you are beating yourself over the head about that STOP IT!!
If not...there is no way you can know what might have happened if you hadn't stepped in.
Looking back clearly DOES have a way of waking us up...
Hugs,
JT
If not...there is no way you can know what might have happened if you hadn't stepped in.
Looking back clearly DOES have a way of waking us up...
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
JT
I'm not beating myself up at all!!
I think it was an important realisation for me - to see how I have also contributed to how my life has turned out in the past few years. Also, it makes it easier for me to know that my decision for us to split up now is 100% the right one, for all sorts of different reasons.
I don't know what would have happened. It doesn't matter one bit now.
I think I realised this because it shocked me (in agood way!) to know just how far I have come in my recovery.
Love
Minnie
xxxx
I'm not beating myself up at all!!
I think it was an important realisation for me - to see how I have also contributed to how my life has turned out in the past few years. Also, it makes it easier for me to know that my decision for us to split up now is 100% the right one, for all sorts of different reasons.
I don't know what would have happened. It doesn't matter one bit now.
I think I realised this because it shocked me (in agood way!) to know just how far I have come in my recovery.
Love
Minnie
xxxx
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Make sure that your AH's name isn't on the estate settlement.
Another thing you need to check with an attorney is if you haven't split yet, but have the intention, would it be advisable for you to file for legal separation before you receive your inheritance to protect your $. And sometimes, that's doesn't matter. You need the advice of a good attorney.
Kathy
Another thing you need to check with an attorney is if you haven't split yet, but have the intention, would it be advisable for you to file for legal separation before you receive your inheritance to protect your $. And sometimes, that's doesn't matter. You need the advice of a good attorney.
Kathy
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Question for you LiveWyred:
I just gave my AB of 22 years 30 days to move out. And my fears about going it alone (especially financially) just keep growing. I know I'll be much happier without him and all the chaos he's created in my life, but still I can't seem to stop worrying about whether I'll be able to make it without him. So my questions to you are how did you find the courage to stick with your decision and was it as difficult (financially or emotionally) as you feared?
I just gave my AB of 22 years 30 days to move out. And my fears about going it alone (especially financially) just keep growing. I know I'll be much happier without him and all the chaos he's created in my life, but still I can't seem to stop worrying about whether I'll be able to make it without him. So my questions to you are how did you find the courage to stick with your decision and was it as difficult (financially or emotionally) as you feared?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I hid at my daughter's house and we all shared income and expenses. Emotionally, it was horrible WITH him...but I can't give an accurate answer about after because I suffer from depression and had run out of my meds and couldn't afford them, I went to the doctor's and got free samples and had to go through the hell of waiting for them to kick in which takes about 8 weeks for me. The support here was very important for me emotionally. A free women't clinic too. There are all sorts of programs out there to help you financially and emotionally. It won't be easy, it won't be overnight, it won't be two weeks, but it will with time, at least it is for me, so much better that I can't fathom why I was putting up with it. I still worry about finances sometimes, but I know that my head is clearer, I am unemcumbered and able to deal with it all far more successfully. There are lots of options.
I didn't have any conviction to stay with my decision. I came here everyday and counted my days of sobriety (no contact). I knew I was weak. I just knew it was killing me.
This site saved my a$$.
I didn't have any conviction to stay with my decision. I came here everyday and counted my days of sobriety (no contact). I knew I was weak. I just knew it was killing me.
This site saved my a$$.
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