rogerst

Today is my first day on the site. I am married to an alcoholic who won't admit he is an alcoholic. The result of his "casual" nightly drinking is acute pancreantitus......an extremeley painful result of too much alcohol in the pancreas. We have 3 christmas parties this weekend and BOOM he just got hit with another episode (which lasts 4-5 days). It puts him completely out of commission. The last episode (in October 04), I felt compassion and love towards him. This time I am angry. Maybe its because of the christmas parties or our daughters birthday sunday. I am sooo frustrated and don't know what my role should be. Do I support and care for him? Do I force action or give an ultimatim? This is the 6th or 7th time pancreantitis has hit and he has missed work, church etc as a result. To provide context, he probably drinks 3 beers per night sometimes 4, but never slobbering drunk.. NEVER. His body simply cannot handle the alcohol! He feels horrible and guilty because we are leaders in our church. Nobody knows of this struggle and i have not exposed him outside our immediate family (our parents know alcohol causes these painful episodes. So, I feel angry and frustrated with this self distructing behavior. What is my role? I love him and want him to take action. He has promised to "do something about it" over and over but he never does. No counseling, no outpatient sessions, nothing! He feels tremendous guilt and condemnation but loves the Lord with all his heart. How can I help him get better?

Gabe

Hey rogerst,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do about your husband's drinking.
He's the one who has to do something about it.
I never had much luck with trying to force action or delivering ultimatums.
In the end, it's up to the alcoholic to desire sobriety.
His drinking, and the results, don't have to ruin your holidays or your daughter's birthday.
Glad you dropped by, hope you stick around.
Gabe

gelfling

Like Gabe said, there's nothing you can do.

He's going to have to get sick enough to realize that it's really the beer that's doing the damage. It's not for you to make excuses for his absence. If he chooses to drink and knows that he's going to cause an attack, he needs to take full responsibility for all consequences. And that includes telling the folks at church that he sick. Normally, when my AH was really sick...flu, virus, etc. I had no problem calling in at work and telling them. But if he was sick due to booze, it was tough sh**. I didn't and wouldn't make excuses for him. When you do, it's enabling him.

The alcoholic is so absorbed and caught up in the disease, they soon forget the pain and agony they suffered in the past and there's a tiny little voice in their pathetic minds that says, "hey, you can drink a few beers, the pain really wasn't that bad".

Have your party for your daughter and lock his sorry self in the bedroom or in the basement. Don't allow him to ruin her special day.

Take care of yourself. Attend alanon meetings and read everything you can get your hands on.

Blessings and Grace, Kathy

rogerst

Thanks Kathy and Gabe. Thats exactly what I will do. I will CHOOSE to have a great time at both the christmas parties and the birthday party. Normally I get a little down...it's so depressing when he is in bed and unable to function! I will also remember the Joy of the Lord is my strength and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

If you think of any other ways I can love him, without enabling him that would be great. The last thing I want him to think is I am "ok with it".