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Back again...but lost

Old 12-14-2004, 04:33 PM
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Back again...but lost

Im Dana. Im 17 and I have a huge problem with shooting heroin and cocaine. In May of this year I was arrested for possesion of heroin and paraphanelia. I spent three weeks in jail and thought I was done. I remember walking out of there thinking I was never going back there again. I was released on ankle braclet and had that thing on for a month. Then I was placed on intense probation. I have to drop UA's twice a week and my probation officer checks in with me throughout the week. On top of that I have a servalince officer. I was actually doing really well. I went to local NA and AA meetings every night. Got a sponsor, did step work, got involved in service, and even prayed. However after 100 days I started drinking again. The following weekend I started smoking heroin again and the week after that I was shooting up. I was doing alright only doing it on the weekends then slipped up dropped dirty, but my PO gave me another chance. My parents took my car but I got it back after a month. I stayed clean for that month, but a day after I got my car back I was back with my boyfriend (who also speedballs) and shooting heroin. This is when I really scared myself I didn't think i could stop. I was loving it. Well this past weekend I went crazy. I was shooting coke and heroin non stop. I couldn't stop. i swear if i wasn't standing up I would have died. but i made it through. I came home and my mother knew I was back doing the same old ****. They took my car (which I think is a good thing) and told me i could leave if I wanted to get high. But the weirdest thing happend I didn't want to . I was scared and right now I feel so alone. I want to leave and not feel like this. And for anyone who loves speedballs as much as I do knows that magical feeling that makes everything seem alright. I want that feeling. I want to feel better. But I haven't left Im going to a meeting tonight but all I want right now is that feeling. Im scared. i dont know if this program is going to work for me. Does anyon have any advice. Please help.
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Old 12-14-2004, 05:31 PM
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Dana,first of all welcome to SoberRecovery.Second,I know the magical feeling,the rush.I also know the feeling of chasing that first high.And I know how it feels to flop when you done too much.Reading your post really makes me sad seeing how young you are.This program can work for anyone,but you have to work it too.Go to your meetings,and share how you feel.Try and get a sponser ASAP.Go to as many meetings as you can.You can do this.Keep coming back here to and keep us posted.
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Old 12-15-2004, 12:16 AM
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Hey Dana,
Welcome! I'm glad you found this site. Wow, you're 17, that exactly how young i was when i started wackin dope. Your life is not over hon. You can do this. You just have to want it!! And to want it you're gonna have to get rid of that BF you're talkin' about. You can't associate with high people/friends when you're tryin/ to recover. It just doesn't work. (Trust me--I have tried) So it is up to you and how much YOU WANT it.
If you want it, you will get it. make sure you keep coming back to this site--It is an awesome start!!
Good Luck to you!! If you ever need to talk to someone who knows what you're goin through, you can PM me anytime. Take Care hon, I wish you all the best and really hope you make the right choice.
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Old 12-15-2004, 03:42 AM
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Dana,

that magical feeling that makes everything seem alright.
The key word being "seem". It sounds like you got to that point in getting clean that apparently happens to a lot of us (me too) around 90 or 100 days. Just far away from the madness to be able to forget how bad it really is out there using.

So you went back out. And it didn't get better. I have never heard anyone say different. Of course, I don't go around dope houses and bars asking either. I don't need to.

There's another kind of magical feeling that comes along with sobriety and it lasts longer than three or four hours and doesn't leave you feeling rotten and needing to buy some more artificial happiness. It just takes longer to get and more work to keep.

Surround yourself with people in recovery and listen to them and let them help you do for you what you cannot do for yourself. You don't have to do this alone and it's not better if you do.

You can do this thing if you want it enough to make it the top priority in your life 24/7. It does get better each and every day. Once you get on the right bus
Every clean day is a successful day, NO MATTER WHAT ELSE HAPPENS!
It's a different way of measuring success but that doesn't make it less true. You might say "But I want more out of life than just being sober." Guess what? We all do but we can't get more until we get some and we can't get some until we stop looking for magic in all the wrong places.

You are too young to be feeling so old. Stick around and keep posting to let us all know how you are doing. I hope you find your way.

One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless
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Old 12-15-2004, 05:41 AM
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It really is this simple!!!!

Every clean day is a successful day, NO MATTER WHAT ELSE HAPPENS!
Says it all!!!!!!!

Luvs and Recovery......Ama
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Old 12-15-2004, 08:05 AM
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Hey.

I notice you posted this yesterday, so I hope this gets to you. I've been sober about 4 months. I started drinking when I was 17 and I loved it, it gave me freedom and a chance to fit in. I continued to drink heavily for the last 13 years, I was always in the middle of the party. I was the girl dancing by herself and trying to pick up guys -- which, guess what?, always worked....pretty easy to be easy. Until I stopped having control of my life, and the only thing I could be was the girl at the party, because there was little left that was interesting about me and I was impossible to live with.

What I've found out in my short time in sobriety is that there's a lot to me besides the bottle, that I have a lot of pain that I bury in the bottle, that my life revolved around that bottle -- but now it doesn't. Now, I'm learning to talk about my feelings, and I'm learning to accept that as much as I like drinking, that I just can't do it safely or sanely. It sucks, but that's the way it is.

I expect that you're going to have some big hurdles to overcome. But maybe you're scared enough to stop -- make no mistake that your life is not infinite, it can end, and heroin does not love you the way that you love it.

keep coming back, we'll love you until you can love yourself.

liz
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Old 12-15-2004, 08:14 AM
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keep coming back, we'll love you until you can love yourself.

Yes we will. There have been good suggestions here. Such as getting a sponsor. Get phone numbers of women, and use them. Together we can do what I cannot do alone. We are here for you, and so wil the people in NA. Prayers are going out for you.

Sherry
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Old 12-15-2004, 10:53 AM
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Dana,
You are not alone..things do get better. when i quit using speed I had to isolate myself from almost everyone i had associated with. luckily I had a few people that understood and gave me the chance i needed. Once I came out of hibernation I feared I would not have the self control to say no. But when the first person I knew offered me a line I said " NO ! " ( like that, real loud ) i know its silly but thats how I said it.
What a cliche: just say NO!
You Can DO IT. I know because you want to change. You have found a goldmine of love and support here...
cindy
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Old 12-15-2004, 12:56 PM
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Glad your here. You really sound lost and confused, I am lost too. I have to wonder why at 17 years old you are into such hard core drugs. I think the meetings will be great for you, but I also think you need a therapist to find out what makes you do such hard stuff. Like what happened in your life at the time you starting using? I believe that when you find this out, you will have a better view on getting better. As for just doing it on weekends, we have all been there. Saying to ourselves, Oh I've been so good, what is one line anyways. Well we learn that 1 line leads to 2 then 3, etc...
You are young and strong (a strength you dont know you even have) start now and begin a life of happiness. Otherwise you will hit bottem. You think this is bottem. Just wait and see
I will pray for you
Debby
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