Focus....

Old 12-14-2004, 07:59 AM
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Focus....

Just trying to focus here. I spent a little time this morning going through my old posts -including the ones where I said I was giving my AH "one" more chance...that I believed him "this time"...where I "really" quit....on and on. It's been three months since I've been on this site. I seem to becoming more self aware, but my situation with my AH isn't really changing. He had 49 days sober, but lost it and has been relapsing ever since. He's now sober about 4 days or so, but he's quick to anger and substituting sugar/food for alcohol - i.e., he's working on another relapse. I've seen it enough to recognize the signs. Last night we had a fight - it started out innocently enough...we went out for ice cream, I waited with our dog in the car, while my AH ran in to get us ice cream. When he came back to the car, he said "they were playing that song from Love Actually" (one of my favorite movies with one of my favorite Christmas songs). I said "oh, yeah, I know which one you are talking about" (thinking he meant my favorite song.) He said "You have no idea what song I an talking about." They way he said it, made me feel stupid. I've started to notice lately how negatively he talks to me - how I tend to feel wrong or stupid when I talk to him. I am working on me and working on improving my self esteem - so the negative talk particularly hurts. I tried to talk to my AH about how his comment made me feel - suffice it to say, he did NOTHING wrong.... so, yeah, we had another huge fight and he slept on the couch. This morning things weren't any better.

It finally hit me last night (as he pouted on the couch, I fumed in our bedroom and read parts of my old journal....) THIS IS MY LIFE. I can either accept it and endure or decide to make a change.

I've decided to change. Now I have to decide what that means. I'm not sure if that includes being with my AH right now. We have marriage counseling on Thursday, so I am going to bring it up for discussion then (otherwise, we will fight or make up and nothing will change). I'm starting to believe that we have to separate in order to get right with ourselves. I don't know if that means we will be together or not...but, right, I don't think I even care. I want to get back to me. It's been two years and I really do miss me.

Thanks for letting me vent. It's one of those days...
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Old 12-14-2004, 08:06 AM
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Veronica

I miss me too. At least, I think I do. I don't know who I am any more. But I'm really excited about finding out.

That's why I decided a couple of weeks ago to split from my A b/f. He moved out yesterday and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

You mentioned that your H was building up to another relapse. I noticed that I had become more aware of this slide than my b/f was. I didn't want to live my life in that cycle, knowing what was going to happen and playing the waiting game. If he wanted that to be his life, then fine, but it wasn't what I wanted for my life.

You'll know what to do when the time comes. I decided a while ago that I needed time on my own. But I waited till I was ready.

Keep coming back - we're here for you.

Love

Minnie
xxx
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Old 12-14-2004, 08:30 AM
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veronica - it sounds like you are progressing with your recovery and are making the right choices for you at the time they are supposed to happen. good luck and support to you in your decision whatever that may be! cwohio
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Old 12-14-2004, 08:38 AM
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Hi Veronica....I think we can all relate to everything you said. It's like the negativity and everything that comes with the disease becomes such a part of your life, you don't even realize that it's not normal. I'm in the sam place you are - I've told my husband to leave at least twice now, but he's still here. I told him again last week? that either he stopped drinking or I was getting divorce - he's still drinking. He's cut back enormously, and i know he thinks that since we've been getting along, it will be fine. I'm slowly getting to that place where I know I deserve better, and I know there is better out there. I feel for you - I am all too familiar with saying something off hand or commenting, and having it turned around and feeling like I can't even speak without analyzing every word I say or how I'm going to say it... ugh! I'm sorry sweetie..the real you is in there, she will come out when she's ready!!
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Old 12-14-2004, 10:45 AM
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Veronica,

Hi hun, I can really relate to the negativity and having everything I say turned against me and the smallest dumbest things blow up into a fight. Since I've been here just a couple days, I have come to realize it's not me it is HIM and I feel so much better about that.

The thoughts of leaving him are always there, but I know when the time is right I will know what I need to do, with a lot of prayers. I will be praying for you too!!
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Old 12-14-2004, 10:59 AM
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I can relate the the feeling that I lost who I was for a long time. I decided a couple weeks ago to get "me" back. I started small, even if it was just things like renting movies I liked even if he said they were "stupid". Who cares? I like them. I went back to doing things I enjoyed and saying what I felt whether he agrees or not. I started thinking that when we started going out I was "me" and he liked it enough to get together so why did I change that. This last few weeks even with his drinking and aside from a couple little arguments, we've been happier and healthier than we had been in a long time. Both of us.
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Old 12-14-2004, 11:48 AM
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I thought I was the only one! I thought my AH was just a negative person and somehow I deserved it (amazing, before I met my AH, this is NOT something I would have said). Thank you all for clearing that up - it helps to know it's not just me!!

I'm so terribly confused. I want the insanity to end, but I don't know how. I was raised that divorce is not an option, but now I don't know what to think. Part of me is ashamed that I can't make my marriage work - we've been married for 2 years and have been struggling that whole time, but part of me wants a "real" life. I feel guilty for making my AH move out - you know the song and dance...he doesn't have anyone but me. In a few years I'm going to want to have kids - not something I would do in our current situation and - if history is any indication - I don't know if things are ever going to change. I believe in my heart that my AH is going to sober up - at the very least, I know that he will either sober up or die. One way or another, he doesn't have a choice. My choice is how much longer am I willing to wait for him to sort out his alcoholism. I just don't know. Rationally, I should have left a long time ago. But, I'm still here. Still trying to figure it out....
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Old 12-14-2004, 12:15 PM
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veronica - you are not alone - there are many of us that feel exactly as you do right now, me being one of them!
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Old 12-14-2004, 03:04 PM
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Veronica,
I so relate to where you are at.
I have children though, and have been dealing with the A for about 10 years now. Have been married for 14, so it wasn't always like this. But I don't remember when it was any other way.
I can't really give you any advice on weather to leave or stay, because that still plays in my mind all of the time. I to was raised where divorce wasn't an option. We have been seperated twice over the years, and he has always changed and relapsed. It is a struggle every day to hold onto myself, sometimes I feel like there is nothing left to give, he has taken every thing. I started coming here not to long ago also, and it has helped me so much to gain perspective again, and to realize that I am not alone, much stronger then I thought, and that no matter how down my relationship seems, there is so much hope for me and my children, and if my A doesn't want to be a part of that new hope there is nothing I can do. I have to take care of me first, I can't help or take care of someone that doesn't want that for themselves.
I have been reaching a critical stage in my recovery also, to make some sort of change. Not sure what change that will be, but something has got to give. When the time is right for each of us I believe we will truly know what to do and what is right for ourselves.
My prayers are with you.
I think you are very wise to sort out your options and make some lasting decisions before children enter the picture. After children become a part of the decisions you have to make it becomes twice as hard, because you have so much to risk.
I wish you well.
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