Boyfriend and I broke up and so sad...
al anon
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: new york
Posts: 45
Boyfriend and I broke up and so sad...
HI
I have been posting here for a few weeks now and have been struggling with what to do with my boyfriend who started AA 70 days ago and has a sponser and is doing the 90 in 90. He also started anti anxiety and anti depressant medication right before he started AA. We had been together for a year and a half and I really love him. He was never abusive or mean- just inconsiderate and selfish although not as much during the first year. He lost his job six months ago and has been seriously needy ever since. I told him two weeks ago that i needed a break from talking to him since i had been crying almost everyday for the past 3 months. I suggested a month and he said that was too long so he said two weeks. So we didn't speak or see each other that whole time and it felt like an eternity. I missed him alot. I was going to al anon and coda since he started AA so i continued to go and i was trying to focus on myself and see friends. Anyway we spoke for the first time on sunday for 10 min but had a long conversation last night. I wanted him to say that he missed me and that he wanted to work on our relationship but deep down i have know the past three months that eventually we would have to break up so that he could heal on his own and become a healthier person. He wasn't adding any value to my life but i have been having such a hard time breaking up with him. anyway last night he said that he shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now and that he knows that he isn't adding anything to my life. I know exactly what he is saying and I am glad that he recognizes that he doesn't want to hurt me but it just hurts so much. I am so sad. It was like i knew we should have ended things a while ago but i couldn't do it. It's not like i was arguing with him last night about it. i knew breaking up was the right thing to do but i don't know. i just feel bad right now and needed to get that out. thanks for reading.
I have been posting here for a few weeks now and have been struggling with what to do with my boyfriend who started AA 70 days ago and has a sponser and is doing the 90 in 90. He also started anti anxiety and anti depressant medication right before he started AA. We had been together for a year and a half and I really love him. He was never abusive or mean- just inconsiderate and selfish although not as much during the first year. He lost his job six months ago and has been seriously needy ever since. I told him two weeks ago that i needed a break from talking to him since i had been crying almost everyday for the past 3 months. I suggested a month and he said that was too long so he said two weeks. So we didn't speak or see each other that whole time and it felt like an eternity. I missed him alot. I was going to al anon and coda since he started AA so i continued to go and i was trying to focus on myself and see friends. Anyway we spoke for the first time on sunday for 10 min but had a long conversation last night. I wanted him to say that he missed me and that he wanted to work on our relationship but deep down i have know the past three months that eventually we would have to break up so that he could heal on his own and become a healthier person. He wasn't adding any value to my life but i have been having such a hard time breaking up with him. anyway last night he said that he shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now and that he knows that he isn't adding anything to my life. I know exactly what he is saying and I am glad that he recognizes that he doesn't want to hurt me but it just hurts so much. I am so sad. It was like i knew we should have ended things a while ago but i couldn't do it. It's not like i was arguing with him last night about it. i knew breaking up was the right thing to do but i don't know. i just feel bad right now and needed to get that out. thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Truth
It is sad when it comes to this. I am in the same boat as you - my now ex moved out yesterday.
You are right when you say that sometimes it is better to heal on our own - and that goes for you too. He has plenty of support if he is going to AA. Have you got support too in al-anon or something similar?
I am using this time to really focus on myself and learn who I am. Then I am better prepared for what is to come. I couldn't dot hat when i was caught up in the drama that comes with an alcoholic, recovering or not.
Take care and keep coming back.
Love
Minnie
xxx
It is sad when it comes to this. I am in the same boat as you - my now ex moved out yesterday.
You are right when you say that sometimes it is better to heal on our own - and that goes for you too. He has plenty of support if he is going to AA. Have you got support too in al-anon or something similar?
I am using this time to really focus on myself and learn who I am. Then I am better prepared for what is to come. I couldn't dot hat when i was caught up in the drama that comes with an alcoholic, recovering or not.
Take care and keep coming back.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Guest
Posts: n/a
I am so sorry, that you are hurting, everything is for a reason, even if we dont see it at the time.
Take care of yourself and keep going to meetings and working on yourself. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. This just might be a new beginning that you needed.
Take care of yourself and keep going to meetings and working on yourself. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. This just might be a new beginning that you needed.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
truth - our hp has the big plan and knows what is best for us. you will both be better for the healing that will come with recovery. this is a bad time of year for things to happen - just more emotional i think. prayers and hugs to you - cwohio
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
I know it's so hard to break up, but just think if things would have kept on the way they were you would not be any happier in another year. You can take this time to be happy with yourself and have fun. When you are happy and love yourself I think you attract that same type person, and I think that being with someone who is in the same place you are is a lot healthier. Try to look at this as a blessing!
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
((Truth))
I am so sorry. I know this hurts a lot. As far as you have come, there is no magic wand to keep you from the pain. But the support and love here can help you get through it and heal. Hugs and prayers, Magic
I am so sorry. I know this hurts a lot. As far as you have come, there is no magic wand to keep you from the pain. But the support and love here can help you get through it and heal. Hugs and prayers, Magic
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 20
truth, i'm so sorry to hear about your breakup, sometimes there's no easier way to get yourself out of a bad relationship. i broke up with my alcoholic/drug addict bf of FOUR years three months ago. i was madly in love with him, but his addictions and the insanity was just too much. like your case, he was never abusive or violent, he was rather the most tender, affectionate, loving, caring, and amazing person i've ever met. it crushed my heart till this day knowing i would never talk or see him again (i broke it off cold turkey and never looked back, as painful as it was i had to choose myself at the end and my own sanity). the pain is great, believe me i know, i've cried, got angry, vented, and asked so many times why? why? why? it's been three months now without him and i feel better about myself, my life, and my choice. coming here has helped a great deal, reading "codi. no more" and being in a loving environment with friends and family. I've been focusing on myself so much that i am able to get through my day without thinking of him at all.
although i heard he had moved to another city, moved in with his ex gf, and now he's engaged....imagine that.....being with him for four years, we were about to get married this coming june, and now he's with someone else and engaged. i should be devestated, but i've learned to see the reality. i couldn't help him, and you can't help yours, i'm thinking if he's happy with her then she is either helping him or enabling him...either way, that's his life, i chose to live my life in a peace and sanity. give yourself time and heal...you'll see you made the right choice. keep coming here.
hugs.
although i heard he had moved to another city, moved in with his ex gf, and now he's engaged....imagine that.....being with him for four years, we were about to get married this coming june, and now he's with someone else and engaged. i should be devestated, but i've learned to see the reality. i couldn't help him, and you can't help yours, i'm thinking if he's happy with her then she is either helping him or enabling him...either way, that's his life, i chose to live my life in a peace and sanity. give yourself time and heal...you'll see you made the right choice. keep coming here.
hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 96
Truth,
You sound like me. That's what I've been going through the last 6 months. Just before the 4th of July, I told my boyfriend the three of us (Him, me and the Alcohol) weren't working together.
I came here seeking advice and help. I was terribly heartbroken. I ended up giving him another full chance, which he royally f***ed up so here I am, over a month broken up with him. This time, I'm asking him for a year's sobriety.
You are very right, he needs to heal himself. If he isn't adding to your life, you don't need to be with him. Women deserve to be woo'ed, impressed, loved, embraced and made to feel secure. We should not give time to men who don't treat us right.
It hurts, it burns, it will get better.
Giz
You sound like me. That's what I've been going through the last 6 months. Just before the 4th of July, I told my boyfriend the three of us (Him, me and the Alcohol) weren't working together.
I came here seeking advice and help. I was terribly heartbroken. I ended up giving him another full chance, which he royally f***ed up so here I am, over a month broken up with him. This time, I'm asking him for a year's sobriety.
You are very right, he needs to heal himself. If he isn't adding to your life, you don't need to be with him. Women deserve to be woo'ed, impressed, loved, embraced and made to feel secure. We should not give time to men who don't treat us right.
It hurts, it burns, it will get better.
Giz
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