JessicaNAJ

My AH is laid off right now. He is going to pickup the kids, take my son to school and watch my daughter till I got off work.

Today he was supposed to be at my house at 7:00 a.m. to get the kids ready (his idea). By 7:20 he still was not there. I have to leave at 7:40 to make it to work on time. I called him, 5 times before he answered the phone. The phone woke him up. I was in panic mode because I thought I was going to have to get the kids to the sitter and to school. Work will understand if I'm late every now and then, but this is the same unreliable BS he's put me through before. I'm trying to let go and let God. I really thought he'd come through this time.

I know it happens that people oversleep. Because of his past reliability, I can't help but to worry that it's going to happen AGAIN!!

Hopeful2

Oh Jessica, of course it's going to happen again -- if you let it. Is AH still drinking? Unfortunately, when an A has no job they have even more time to drink. His reliability issues could get worse before it gets better. You have obligations to your kids, yourself, your job -- the last thing you need is to let his inconsistency and unreliability (all typical A traits) affect the things that are important to you. If you know he's bound to flake out on you, then don't give him the chance to. Good luck.

JessicaNAJ

Hope - he's not drinking right now. I'm thinking about dropping the kids off with him. Then I don't have to worry about him getting there on time. But that would take some of his responsibility away and I don't want to do that. If our marriage is going to work then he has to accept his part of the responsibility. I'm tired of being the one that does everything and I'm not going to do it. But then again, it would be less stressful if I did take matters into my own hands. Oh bother....lol

I think what I'm going to do is tell him that if he's not there by 10 after, I'm going to take our daughter to the babysitter and then he'll have to figure out how to pay her. Does that sound fair? or not?

Petunia

Jess,

That sounds like a grown-up way of handling it. It's amazing how much folks don't want to look bad in front of people they don't know real well. You know the "public persona". May be a good way to get the message across. As long as your daughter is in a safe space, and you can get to work on time, it sounds like a "win-win". The only loser will be his pocketbook because the baby sitter isn't going to let him stiff her.

This sounds like a very mature way to dealing with the situation. Nicely done my dear.

All the best -
Petunia

cwohio

jessica - you need to do what will work and make life the easiest for YOU. that last idea you had still keeps him in the responsibility loop. if he doesn't get there in time he has no one to blame but himself.

JessicaNAJ

She is in a safe place with the sitter. My only fear is that I'll end up getting stuck with the bill. It's only fair that she gets paid for her services. I really don't have the extra money to do that.

I'm also afraid, since he's laid off and not going to AA or counseling, he'll start drinking again. History repeats itself. Last winter when he was laid off, I'd come home and find him passed out with her sleeping next to him. She just turned two then.

I know I shouldn't focus on the future, but when it comes to my children's best interest and my sanity, I can't help but to wonder and worry.

I think that's the best solution. I'll probably get a "whatever Jessie" when I tell him.

cwohio

((jessica)) - good luck!

JessicaNAJ

Well....I told him if he wasn't there by 7:15 a.m. I was going to take our daughter to the sitters. He said, "Why? OK...Whatever." Predictable.

He ended up at the bar tonight. I'm assuming he won't be at the house in the morning so i asked my Uncle to watch my daughter, just in case. If I don't call him then I don't need him. We'll see. (My sitter said I could pay her when I have the money. She'd rather see my daughter and son safe than get paid - she's awesome!)

The history of his "drinking" is he will wake up in the morning and want a drink to kill his hangover. Then continue to drink throughout the day until he passes out. If I think he's going to be drinking, he will not watch our daughter. In the past he has passed out and had her sleeping next to him. She's older now, if he passes out, she'll basically be left alone, running all over the apartment getting into god only knows what. I'm not chancing that. I think I will tell him that if he's going to be drinking to let me know so I can find someone else to watch her. But do you really think he'd tell me that??

I realize now that I'M not keeping him from the kids. I have no reason to feel guilty when I don't allow him to watch her/them when I know he's drinking. I'm doing what I have to do protect my kids and it's his choice to drink... knowing he will not see them if he is. I'm not the cause of his actions. If he wants to drink, so be it. I'm not going to let it negatively effect me. I will continue to go forward.

wraybear

No, I don't think he would really tell you that. One reason I have been a single mom the past 9 weeks is because of a similar situation. He had picked them up from school, and had obviously been drinking. Denied it, even though he could hardly walk, and then proceeded to ask if he could drive our 8 year old to her Brownie meeting?!?!??!!?!?!?!

Once they start drinking, they WON'T tell the truth about it! Now, that's the truth!!! That comes from my 15 years experience with my AH.

Plus, I don't mean to keep bringing this up... but because of my denial that he would never put the children's in harms way, i continued to trust him. He had our two little ones with him 3 years ago and was in a horrible car accident. He almost died and was in the hospital for 2 1/2 months, 5 year old was helicoptered and in the hospital for 13 days.

Yes, I began to trust him again, and WHAM, after all that he still drinks.
So, do whatever it takes to keep your kiddos safe.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you for that reality check - I should go with my instincts. They usually never fail me. I will ask my HP to give me the strength to do what is right for my kids.

wraybear

yeah, instincts can usually be trusted. I wonder why I lose my instincts so often?!?!?!? lol

minnie

Wraybear

I don't think we lose out instincts, we just lose our ability to trust our own judgement. Being around an A makes us question everything, including ourselves.

I have learnt that my gut instinct is probably my HP talking to me. So I would be daft not to listen, wouldn't I?

Cap3

Hey Jessica,i've spent alot of my married life,trying to "make" another who is unreliable,into someone who is reliable,and responsible.It never worked.All i got was caught up in the insanity,of will he be there for the kids,or not?And away goes my mind.He will be here ,he wont,he should be here,why isnt he here,,on and on.Folks show me who they are by their...actions..not their words,.It would have been nice,if hub was responsible,reliable,but he wasnt.Acceptance,is the key.I did'nt want to be a single parent,in a 2 parent household,but i was.The choices i had were to keep hounding him to be different,trying to force him to be what i ,thought,i,needed/wanted,and be on that merry-go-round, or to let it go,and do the best that i can.When i chose the latter,was when i found peace.And those rare occasions that he was responsible were a bonus...smile...I, found peace.Especially when i did steps 4-5,I got rid of those resentments,anger,,etc..that i had,had,for him not being what i wanted,or feeling what i needed..Focusing on my own recovery..Some saw this as letting him of the hook.Enabling him to continue to be unreliable.But that wasnt the case.For he was never reliable in the first place.I cannot control others.Today he is reliable.And he is sober now,one day at a time..What is insanity?its doing the same thing over and over{in different forms},,and expecting different results.

JessicaNAJ

You took the words right out of my mouth. I was trying to figure out how that saying went yesterday...lol

He did show up this morning (surprise, surprise). I was able to find peace by having a back up plan. I did not say anything to him about seeing him at the bar and I'm not going to. He's only hurting himself and he can't hurt me anymore unless I let him. I did tell him if he wasn't there in the morning by 7:15 I was going to take my daughter to the sitter and my son to school. It's his choice if he wants to show up or not. Be there for the kids or not. I cannot control what he's doing, but I can control how his actions affect me and my reactions.

wraybear

Minnie, thanks for this reminder. I DO lose my ability to trust God! And, I guess a put my hands over my ears and say "I'M NOT LISTENING!!!" I need to be reminded of these things, so THANKS!!!!

FormerDoormat

I don't know much, but one thing I know for sure, if your husband is drinking, it's safe to assume that he's ALWAYS under the influence. And if that's the case, he will definitely lie to you about it.

JessicaNAJ

He wants me to trust him, but.... You know, there's just too much doubt. 3 weeks ago, he tells me that he went to the bar, and he didn't like it, and blah blah blah. He needed to tell me because he needs me to trust him. Whatever. It meant nothing because just last week he was at the bar again. He still don't know that I know.