Survey: Can ACOAs have healthy intimate relationships?
and that is all that matters..
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 73
Survey: Can ACOAs have healthy intimate relationships?
THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME!
Please answer my survey: From your experiance, can ACOAs have healthy intimate relationships while in recovery? I need to know if there is hope for me.
I am so terribly depressed this weekend going over what I did to screw up the 3 1/2 year relationship with my ex-fiancee. It has been 3 months since we broke up (and I went into therapy and discovered I was an ACOA) and the pain is not any better than it was the first day.
I am certainly not over her, nor am I ready to jump into another relationship. I am working on my recovery right now. But recovery is just that.... recovery. It does not happen overnight, as much as I would like it to. So how long am I destined to be alone? How long will I feel this lack of self-worth? Is there hope?
Hey by the way, can you tell I am very codependant? My therapist says it is normal to feel this way over a breakup, but I think he is sugar coating it. He says I should not blame myself so much for the breakup, but I AM THE ONE WHO IS ACOA, so I caused the majority of the problems.
So everyone please answer my survey, and let me know what you think. Is there life and love after going through this hell (and believe me.... it IS hell)?
THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME!
Blessings
Please answer my survey: From your experiance, can ACOAs have healthy intimate relationships while in recovery? I need to know if there is hope for me.
I am so terribly depressed this weekend going over what I did to screw up the 3 1/2 year relationship with my ex-fiancee. It has been 3 months since we broke up (and I went into therapy and discovered I was an ACOA) and the pain is not any better than it was the first day.
I am certainly not over her, nor am I ready to jump into another relationship. I am working on my recovery right now. But recovery is just that.... recovery. It does not happen overnight, as much as I would like it to. So how long am I destined to be alone? How long will I feel this lack of self-worth? Is there hope?
Hey by the way, can you tell I am very codependant? My therapist says it is normal to feel this way over a breakup, but I think he is sugar coating it. He says I should not blame myself so much for the breakup, but I AM THE ONE WHO IS ACOA, so I caused the majority of the problems.
So everyone please answer my survey, and let me know what you think. Is there life and love after going through this hell (and believe me.... it IS hell)?
THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME!
Blessings
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Steven,
Yes, ACOAs can have healthy relationships. It starts with learning how to have a healthy relationship with yourself. That involves a lot of soul searching and recovery and learning to love and and accept yourself for who you are. You don't have to be perfect or fit into some mold of how others think you should be. You just have to be ok with who you are and love yourself unconditionally. Once you do that, you start loving and accepting others for who they are. You also start loving yourself enough to choose healthy people to spend your time and your life with.
It won't happen overnight but you can definitely get there. Never give up.
Hugs,
JG
Yes, ACOAs can have healthy relationships. It starts with learning how to have a healthy relationship with yourself. That involves a lot of soul searching and recovery and learning to love and and accept yourself for who you are. You don't have to be perfect or fit into some mold of how others think you should be. You just have to be ok with who you are and love yourself unconditionally. Once you do that, you start loving and accepting others for who they are. You also start loving yourself enough to choose healthy people to spend your time and your life with.
It won't happen overnight but you can definitely get there. Never give up.
Hugs,
JG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
I don't believe that anyone is destined to be alone.
I think we just tell ourselves that when our lack of self-worth starts kicking in.
Love is an amazing thing.
It starts when we learn to love ourselves and blossoms outward from there.
I think we just tell ourselves that when our lack of self-worth starts kicking in.
Love is an amazing thing.
It starts when we learn to love ourselves and blossoms outward from there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Noah's Ark
Posts: 98
Nice one....
that was realy nice Gabe...lately I've been struggling to accept myself. lt's like everyday I have to wake up and forgive myself for who I am. I am getting better at it and it takes alot cause I often forget to. Well I've said enough I am no better than anyone.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
In a relationship it never all one persons fault if it breaks up. Of course an ACOA can have a sucessful relationship.
I am ACOA and I have been working on myself for a very long time I have made a lot of mistakes in my relationships and the others have not been exactly perfect either.
Learn to love and accept yourself and you are guarented to have better relationships of all kinds. I think one problem we have is that we expect others to relieve all our pain and to always be there for us. The lesson I think is learn to be there for ourselves and then we won't be so needy and it will be more enjoyable for someone to be in a relationship with us....
I am ACOA and I have been working on myself for a very long time I have made a lot of mistakes in my relationships and the others have not been exactly perfect either.
Learn to love and accept yourself and you are guarented to have better relationships of all kinds. I think one problem we have is that we expect others to relieve all our pain and to always be there for us. The lesson I think is learn to be there for ourselves and then we won't be so needy and it will be more enjoyable for someone to be in a relationship with us....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
hmm, good one
well i firmly believe that we cant even think of loving others unless we love and approve of ourselves fully and unconditionally, be not perfection but be accepting of ourselves and not trapped in the past or projecting into the future.
i can easily slip into self-pity and hatred if I think about the absence of romance in my life but everyone, not just ACAs wonder if and how and when theyll be and stay in an intimate relationship, as an aca i just have to heal myself first before i let l'amour come knocking at my door. above all i never want my love life to be the be-all and end-all of my existence, it isnt.
peace
utopia
well i firmly believe that we cant even think of loving others unless we love and approve of ourselves fully and unconditionally, be not perfection but be accepting of ourselves and not trapped in the past or projecting into the future.
i can easily slip into self-pity and hatred if I think about the absence of romance in my life but everyone, not just ACAs wonder if and how and when theyll be and stay in an intimate relationship, as an aca i just have to heal myself first before i let l'amour come knocking at my door. above all i never want my love life to be the be-all and end-all of my existence, it isnt.
peace
utopia
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Personally I am recovering within a relationship and we are both better for it. But as the others have said it is all about forgiving myself for my weaknesses, becoming aware of them and changing my destructive behaviors...one at a time.
Hugs,
JT
Hugs,
JT
and that is all that matters..
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 73
THANKS FOR ALL THE COMMENTS! I am so new to all this, so I need all your positive help. I really did feel calmer today about my ex-fiancee. I feel like I can settle in and work on myself, so I am going to do some reading tonight. Tomorrow I might feel like hell again.... so I am going to make hay while the sun shines. I can't tell if I am acting codependent, or just in love? Or maybe a combination?
Tonight I went back home and rounded up all the photos from my childhood. My therapist wants me to bring them in on Wednesday to do some inner child work. I wailed like a baby while looking for the photos.
Blessings...
Tonight I went back home and rounded up all the photos from my childhood. My therapist wants me to bring them in on Wednesday to do some inner child work. I wailed like a baby while looking for the photos.
Blessings...
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by IAmEnough
Please answer my survey: From your experiance, can ACOAs have healthy intimate relationships while in recovery?
Until I began to experience one myself, I wasn't sure whether I could have a "healthy" intimate relationship (or that they even existed...). Today I know that it's more than just possible, it's practically unavoidable when one is choosing to live a healthy, recovering lifestyle. I'm told that "we attract what we are", and I've found that the healthier I am, the healthier the people are who I attract into my life. Conversely, if I want to attract bugs, I just need to turn the zapper back on.
I'm currently in the heathiest relationship I've ever been in. We've been together 8 years and married 2 1/2. She and I are both recovering in the same 12-step fellowship and have many of the same family of origin issues. Our relationship works for many reasons, and one is because we apply the 12 Steps to our individual lives and the 12 Traditions to our interdependent life together. Had we not been in recovery when our relationship began, I imagine it would have gone the way of all my previous relationships: lots of energy put into keeping up a facade, and then the inevitable implosion/explosion.
As others said so eloquently, I needed to take a good amount of time getting to know me (and my Higher Power) and developing those intimate relationships before I was ready to even try relating to another person on that level. I had to work on getting past all those intimacy fears and find a bit of faith in the process...
Peace!
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