I am going insane... I need reassurance!

Old 12-12-2004, 05:11 PM
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I am going insane... I need reassurance!

I think my AH is driving me insane. He really has me feeling like I am in the wrong. I know it's the way he has trained me tot hink, but I can't stop.

My AH is a binge drinker and can sometimes be physically/verbally abusive. The Day after Thanksgiving we went out and he came home and before I could make it up to the house he was screaming at me. He told me he was going to kill me and wouldn't let me in the house. He ripped off my windshield wiper and cracked my window. I grabbed the dog and went to his sister's house, the only place in townI could go with my dog. He showed up, choked me twice and wouldn't leave. The next morning I went home and he had trashed the house. Frames were broken, curtains were ripped off the windows,he broke the night stand and took a knife to the mattress. I left and have only been back once to grab some stuff.

Usually he is very sorry the next day but this time for the first week he kept telling me I had to come home or he was going to sell the house, that I needed to come home and clean up his mess. Then he was sorry and would do anything so we made a counseling app. for Tues. but he probably won't show up. He is very angry that other people know, and now I am very embarassed as well. Tonight he said I could come home or eat sh1t and that he will move on if I am not home tonight.

He's the crazy one, right? Normally he is great when sober and a monster when drunk but he is just acting like a complete pyscho all the time now. I really don't want to be with someone who tells me to eat sh1t do I? I planned on only being gone until we got counseling and he knows I was planning on comeing home on Tuesday, but I'm not sure I want to at all now.

He just called me and said it's over if I don't come home. He thinks it's a game, and it's my life. Why do I think I should just go home???
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Old 12-12-2004, 05:17 PM
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Ann
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Jane

Please please keep yourself safe and think about what is happening.

This link will take you to a thread that discusses abuse. Please take a look and see if it applies to your situation. If it does, there is help available and you don't have to take it anymore,

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/show...t=abused+woman

Sending Hugs and Prayers
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Old 12-12-2004, 05:24 PM
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Ann
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I gave you a little guardian angel, Jane. Hope you don't mind.
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Old 12-12-2004, 05:25 PM
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Thanks Ann, I really need it.
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Old 12-12-2004, 05:36 PM
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Jane, this disease can drive us to feel like we are insane - yet really we are the sane ones. Ask yourself some questions...

Would it be insane for you to go back home right now while he is acting so horribly? Would it be safe?
You said you would not go back home until at least Tuesday after you met with the counselor, is there a reason you should not stick to that plan?

I hope you can find some peace in your decision to not go back... it seems like that may be best for you and your safety.

I don't know much about abuse, but I did have an opportunity to speak to the Victim's assistant at the local courthouse about 7 weeks ago, and they explained that abuse is very similar to alcholism, it is progressive, (gets worse if untreated). And there is also the "honeymoon" phase, where they are very sorry for their actions, we forgive, spend the next several months earning their trust again, and then the cycle starts all over again.

I will pray for you to be at peace with the decision you make.

Sorry you are having to go through this.

Last edited by wraybear; 12-12-2004 at 06:49 PM.
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Old 12-12-2004, 05:48 PM
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A few - what I consider - CRUCIAL questions here ...

I assume you have a mortgage on your house. I assume both of your names are on the title and deed to the house. Is this correct? If so, this a**hole CANNOT by law sell the house unless he buys out your portion of the equity.

Also, because he is legally married to you he cannot throw you out. However, the longer you stay away, the more likely the courts will consider what you're doing as "constructive desertion."

On the other hand .... you have the right to go to the court in your jurisdiction (at the state level) and see an abuse counselor. After that, you will go before a judge. Generally the judge hears restraining orders (more commonly referred to in my neck of the woods as ex parte's) after he has heard all the morning cases and just before he breaks for lunch. Based on the interview information he receives from the abuse counselor, he will ask you direct questions. You give him direct answers. Don't elaborate. Judges appreciate a simple "yes," "no" or very little details. If there is abuse and if you can also claim you have witnesses OR friends/family who will positively acknowledge the abuse, the chances are good the judge will issue an order to have the sheriff escort this jerk out of HIS (yeah, right!) house. You then have an opportunity to pack up whatever you please. If he comes near the house, you get on the phone IMMEDIATELY. The sheriff, generally escorted by a police cruiser will lock him up in jail. You must also have the restraining order with you at ALL TIMES.

Restraining orders prohibit an abuser from calling you at your place of employment, where you live, or coming within 100 yards of you anyplace, anytime up to one year.

I've been through this. I also study law, so at least I know how the domestic laws operate in my state. However, since the O.J. Simpson case, judges have been coming down HARD on men who abuse women in any way. I don't care how afraid you are .... you go to court and you watch "Mr. Bigmouth" back down. Like I said, I've lived through this and you wouldn't believe how scared these idiots become when the cops come to haul them out of the house.

I now live with an AH who is drunk most of his waking hours, unless he's passed out. He generally sleeps most of the time, goes to work about 50 percent of the time during any given month, and has accused me of everything from attempting to kill him to stealing and throwing his wedding band in the garbage! The longer an individual is enslaved to their addictive substance, the more paranoid, violent, and downright insane they become.

Please believe me, you DO have legal rights. It's up to you to have the guts to exercise those rights and get this scumbag out of your life.
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Old 12-12-2004, 05:55 PM
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PLEASE DON'T GO HOME...this is a scary situation. Don't put yourself in harms way. I think you know that you are not crazy. The house and the stuff in it isn't worth your life or your well being. At least don't go alone. Take some one with you. Take care of yourself you will do the right thing. Nothin has to happen tonight at least in the morning the courts and legal people will be working.
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Old 12-12-2004, 07:19 PM
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If he told you he was going to kill you. Then hun he will. I'm sorry for being so blunt but they can say all they want how they didn't mean it later. The sad FACT is that in the moment that those words pass their lips that is truelly what they want to do. What happens the next time that he reaches this state and he reaches the point that he means those words again? What if he doesn't have the self control next time to stop himself? YOU WILL BE DEAD. D E A D. There is no correcting that. There is no saying I'm sorry after the fact. I don't think you believe that. He needs some serious help. He is a danger to you and to other people.

Now I didn't mean to yell at you, you don't need to be yelled at any more. You need peace. You need quite. You need a safe place to clear your head. You need to save your life. Battered women (physically and emotionally) have a brainwash effect. You need help to undo the damages that does. Even if he doesn't show for the counseling. Go yourself.
I've seen it. First hand. Where it was a mother to her own child. When they reach that point they are no longer sane. Don't kid yourself on this one, don't convince yourself "he doesn't really mean it". Because somewhere in his head he does mean it, even if for only for a second, but sometimes that's all it takes to actually do it.
Find a women's shelter if you need to but don't go back there until it is safe and he is gone.

You will be in my prayers tonight and I'm sending you a big hug.
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Old 12-13-2004, 07:13 AM
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I agree with Frankly. Call the cops and report his threat. Do whatever you have to do legally. You need to have it documented that he is physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive - or at least, that he has threatened you.

Whether alcohol is involved or not, NO ONE deserves to be threatened by a spouse. You are a worthy human being. God didn't create us to be abused or to abuse. Get some help for yourself and let your husband go to jail or hell, or wherever he chooses, except near you.

Just my opinion. Praying for you.

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Old 12-13-2004, 07:44 AM
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Please don't put yourself in harm's way. u know he is abusive and might not stop until ur hurt or dead. Please take care of yourself. I hope that u know that u can go to the police for help. u are in my thoughts.
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Old 12-13-2004, 07:51 AM
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JaneDoe,
Forgive me for being so blunt but if it were me I'd rather eat
sh*t than go back to somebody who jeopardizes my mental, physical
and spiritual well-being. I've read stories where POW's got treated
better than you. As far as him driving you insane?. I was married to a guy
who tried to "train" me. Only when I got away from all the chaos
and got a good counselor and support system could I see CLEARLY
who was the "insane" one. No, you are not insane. The guy I was
married to intimitated me with "knowledge and intelligence". He twisted
all my thoughts and feelings. He dictated to me. He took everything
I did and said out of context and twisted it to his favor.
AS far as your husband trashing the house, alcohol and self-hate
are a BAD BAD dangerous combination. I know becuase when I was
an active alcoholic and I hated myself, I would blow up and my
behavior was borderline pyschotic , giving NO regard to my x's feelings.
My favorite "outlet" was to smash, bash and break things also.
When I got sober I was like a dog with it's tail between it's legs
remembering back ALL the times I acted like your husband. I could, too,
act and behave like a borderline criminal when I was angry and
intoxicated. I did things when I was under the influence that I would
NEVER conceive of when I was alcohol free. In AA we learn and
admit that some of us are "allergic" to alcohol. For alcholics, 1 drink is too
many and 200 isn't enough. If I wanted to show someone that I was
sorry for something, me saying I was sorry was UNACCEPTABLE, I had
to SHOW that I meant it by NOT ever doing such things again. I know
when I acted like your husband is acting , when I was drinking, if
my x only KNEW that if he would have put his foot down and
said "I'm leaving, you need help and I WON"T tolerate your abusive
behavior PERIOD", it would have CAUSED me to get help SOONER. But he stayed
and put up with it which PROLONGED me paying the consequences
for my abusive behavior. Not everyone who is an alcholic is abusive,
Please believe me when I tell you this, by you going back to your
husband after what he has just done is CLEARLY setting YOU and HIM
up to CONTINUE this cycle of abuse and you're showing him
in an unconscious way that what he is doing is OKAY and it will
continue. Alcohol will cause you to act and think in an insane way.
Every member of AA I've ever met admitted their thinking is "muddied up".
People that are insane don't question their own behavior or behavior
of others. For one, they don't see it and aren't aware of it.
Trying to make sense of someone else's disease or addiction will
make you FEEL insane but that's becuase you're powerless
over alcohol also. Step 1 in AA is WE Admitted WE were powerless over
alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable. Step 2 is CAME to
believe that a power greater than ourselves would restore us to
SANITY. JaneDoe, say the last sentence outloud to yourself . .
CAME to believe that a power . . . . ..would RESTORE us to SANITY.
It wouldn't be a bad idea to get a PFA against your husband ASAP,
take a breather from the insanity and chaos and get yourself hooked
up with some local Al-ANon meetings and some counseling for
abused women.
Please remember, it didn't happen over nite so it won't go away overnite.
Please hang in there.
Debs
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Old 12-13-2004, 11:21 AM
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Thanks everyone. I just needed other people to point out this twisted situation. I think we all know how easy it is to look at other situations and say leave or not understand how they could be with someone like that. When it's yourself it's so hard to know what is real and what they have made you believe.

BTW I have talked to a lawyer and I am a Real Estate agent so I know he can't sell our house, that is why it was so absurd.
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Old 12-14-2004, 06:13 AM
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Jane,
Do you have a support group, such as Al-Anon or an abuse group? It can help you to sort things out, and have positive input. When all we get is negative input, and we isolate ourself, we do feel crazy. You need all the support you can get right now. Please do that for yourself.

To find a meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting." Hugs, Magic
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