prairiegal

I do not know if I am in the right place or not. I do not know if my husband is an alcoholic, bi-polar, or both!!!! I just know that I am getting to a place wjere I do not even care anymore. I feel very isolated and alone most of the time. I have no one to confide in. He can be the sweet, fun-loving, best friend one minute and the next he is mean and nasty!! He drinks beer EVERY day after work, sometimes at lunch. He has been to psychologists and insists they are stupid, that I am the one with the problem. He can be violent...and truthfully I never thought I would have ever put up with this. I feel my self esteem at a record low, I am depressed, I think, and I still go on to the outside world acting as if nothing is wrong!!! We have two daughters 8 & 5. I know this affecting them.......what do I do if he won't hear my plea, I have tried to ignore him, fight with him......no one in my family knows...his older daughter does not know....both of his "alcoholic" parents have passed away...it is as if no one can get through to him.....I do not know what to do from here!!!

Dan

Hi prairiegal, and welcome to SoberRecovery.
You sure are in the right place, if you're seeking support and help in understanding.
Here's a link to the Friends and Family Forum.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...splay.php?f=24
Many people who share your experience are there, waiting to welcome you as well.
Glad you made it in.

earlybird

Yes you are in the right place. My advice to you is this.........The reason nobody has gotten thru to him is simple...........he hasnt had any consequences for his actions yet. Like you said,...you've kept this a secret. Nobody knows. Well,...guess what? Time to LET people know. Maybe an intervention? You see,...alcoholics need to hit their "Bottom" before they do something about it. If he has you to "clean-up" his messes,..or "sweep them under the rug",...he will NEVER know consequences for his actions. Alcoholics are very VERY selfish people. For instance,...your husband drinks beer everyday with absolutely NO thought or care of what it is or could possibly do to YOU,...or his CHILDREN. Thats because in his mind....HE COMES FIRST. And sometimes he comes ONLY with no one else. His needs are the only thing that matter to him. Now,...if, say, for instance, the rest of the family knew about his drinking,..and the way he acts when drinking,..then eventually he will HAVE to address the consequences. He probably wont right away. He will probably end up doing his drinking ELSEWHERE for a while. Just to be away from all the people that know. Now,...he may need to get a drunk-driving charge. Probation. Suspensions,...or revocation. At any rate,...it sounds to me like he hasnt had to answer to ANYONE yet. In his mind,....that equals no problem. Nothing bad as happened yet,....so how could I have a problem. TRUST ME,.....HE KNOWS HE HAS A PROBLEM. The more we are aware that we are alcoholics,.....the more defensive we get around the subject. And if he ever says he will try to keep it to only a few beers a night, well remember this,.....normal drinkers never HAVE to TRY to keep it to a few. That thought never has to enter their mind. To answer your question, yes, it sounds like he IS an alcoholic. Try to let the cat out of the bag. Im not gonna blow smoke,....their ARE going to be some hard times when you do this,....but the times could be alot harder if you DONT. Dont wait until he runs someone over while driving drunk. He needs to address this now.

3legacy

Here & Now!
;-)

CAPTAINZING2000

Do you feel like you're trapped there? Making sure you and your kids are safe from any harm is more importatnt then anything. Many people get mean while drinking. I was as nice as can be sober but, no one better mess with me drunk. I urge you if, it gets very violent, don't put up with it. File a restraining order. My ex had one served on me and I was trying to stop her from making me have a wreck . The kids welfare comes above everything else, they can't protect themselves

wraybear

Prairiegal, I am a sister-friend from the same state!
Above Earlybird mentioned "letting the secret out of the bag" and she is right on. Many of us have "protected" or A's for years. Then after learning as much as we can about addiction, we realize, the secrets are actually hurting everyone. I used to lie for his work, lie to our family, lie to my children, and then i went through a phase where i didn't want to leave the house. So, my life became wrapped up in him and his addiction. I wouldn't go out with my friends, I would cancel dinner engagements. And of course, I blamed him for all this, and then became resentful and angry.

I also want to tell you, that my 44 year old AH had our 2 and almost 5 year old with him and was in an almost fatal car accident. He almost died and was in hospital for 2 1/2 months. He still suffers many physical problems from this, 3 years later. My 5 year old was in hospital for 13 days with lacerated liver, spinal fracture had to wear and torso cast 24 hours a day for 7 weeks and had to have some of her intestines removed. The little one had a bruise on collar bone, thank God that was all she suffered. Of course, you never think this will happen to you.

This behavior kills people. It really is very serious.

But, only you can decide what your next move will be. But, opening up and telling him that you are not going to lie anymore may be a good start. I also have an 18 year old who has grown up with my AH since she was 2. She tells me so many things now that I didn't know. Like, she thought his problems, my depression, the fighting, were HER fault. That is a lot for a young kiddo to have to deal with. She felt this way until she was probably 16 ish. She also felt like I was unavailable becasue I was always so wrapped up in him and his drinking and my own depression. So, she didn't "have me around" to talk to.

Blah blah blah blah blah, sorry i am going on and on, but i want you to understand just a little how this can affect all the other members in the family. It is not just THEIR problem. We need help ourselves.

I hope you can get some help - there is so much help available.

I hope you will start feeling some peace very soon.

Debby

Let me give you a dose of reality, I am a daughter and I have a brother, towards the end of our parents relationship we watched our father go farther & farther down so fast that we became the parents and he was the child. Our only hope in our life was our mother who had to go to work to put food on the table because my father coudnt do it
Well in a nutshell, my mom left him and it was very very ugly. And many years later, I sit here with a 20 year drug problem and my brother has been drinking since he was about 12 and he is now 37 years old now. I am afraid of the world because of what that man put me thru and now all these years later I have to go to counseling and relive the past so I can deal with life sober.
Tell me, do you want this for your children? Because this is exatly what could happen if you dont take care of it now.
I PROMISE YOU, I am not trying to hurt you, I understand your problem, I wouldnt be here either if I didnt have a problem. Just promise you will do whatever it takes to make sure you and your children have a normal life.
You mentined that your daughter didnt know, I hope to god she dont, but I knew at age 8 or 9 I just kept quiet, I didnt want to rock the boat.
You are in my prayers
Debby

gonzo

prairiegal- I know how overwhelmed you must feel. I bet you wouldn't have found this site, (just like us) if you didn't already know some of these answers...I also was in a relationship like the one you described. I lied to my ex every time I said "I love you".
What I really wanted to say was: I would leave you so fast, your head would spin...
But i felt trapped. You don't want your kids to feel the self-hate that your husband subjects you to. And always when you wonder what to do, Ask yourself "what would I want my daughter to do" If she were in your shoes....
The strength is within you to face change....
I may be too new to say these things but everyone can learn from the experience of others,Right?
Good Luck, Cindy