Is it worth it?

Old 12-11-2004, 09:17 AM
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Is it worth it?

I can't decide if he's worth fighting for. I've made my lists and its obvious that the bad majorly outweighs the good but I can't help feeling that I wasn't being fair with those lists. Is this the codie in me?
He doesn't get involved in the family matters and this really bothers me. He's never gone to a teacher confrence, but he did go to one of the plays and also attended my oldests 8th grade graduation. He took the kids to the park or for bike rides maybe a total of 5 times this year and maybe 4 times he played ball in the yard with them. Other than this he barely acknowledges them, unless of course they get loud and rowdy then he yells at them to stop. Once in awhile he's in a great mood and will have actual conversations with them, but thats maybe once or twice a month. We do go camping and other fun stuff in the summer but I'm the one who makes the plans and gets things ready. The kids don't seem to be bothered by all this, they would rather spend time with me anyway. If they don't care, should I stop caring about it?
Maybe twice a year he'll help with housework, but doing repairs around the house is like pulling teeth. We've had a leak in our garage roof for 3 years now, not to mention the paint job he started but never finsihed. Most things I try to do myself but after awhile I feel that why should I be the only one who cares. After a couple of days of feeling the "why should I care" anger I find myself kicking myself in the butt and saying "thats excatly why I should care, cause no one else does!"
He has cut back ALOT on his drinking since he got pulled over last month for a dui, but I can't help feeling that once he's court and other stuff are done he'll go back to drinking heavily, back to drinking a 12 pack a day. I've explained to him how verbally mean he can be and how his drinking makes me and the kids feel, but he had nothing to say. I expected him to tell me I was overreating like he usually does. In his mind he's not that bad. He's not physically abusive like his cousin, he doesn't get so drunk that he forgets where he lives like his mother does, he hasn't missed any work, he's a functioning alcoholic and I don't know how to get him to see that what he's doing is wrong and hurting his family.
Here is the kicker, we live with his father and all 3 of us work for the same company. The company we work for had bought a plot of land with a 5 bedroom house and a barn on it. They turned the barn into an office and we were suppose to move into the house next to it. At the last minute the boss decided to let my fil move in. What is he going to do with a 5 bedroom house all to himself? He said we could move in with him, and if it wasn't for the fact that I had to get my kids into a better school district I never would have done it. Not to mention the neighbor we use to live in was pretty rough, I was afraid to let my kids play outside of our small yard. So moving in with him seemed to be best for the kids. And it hasn't been all that bad, he's a good guy and not an alcoholic like hubby. But here are the 2 major problems I'm having, first whenever fil gets mad at hubby, I hear about it, if hubby messes up at work, I hear about it and when fil is upset he doesn't talk he yells, then says he wasn't yelling. I don't think he realizes what yelling means. How do I tell him that hubbys problems are not my problems and to leave me out of it? I'm afraid of hurting his feelings and besides everyone needs to vent sometimes right?
My second problem is if things don't go good between me and hubby, who should move out, me or him? My fil made it clear that he will not let my kids go back to their old schools, their doing so well now. He also has said he can't deal with the drinking either, he put up with it for 12 years with my mil.
I could move to an apartment complex the boss owns thats about 10 minutes from here and the kids could still go to the good schools, but finacially I would be strapped and I'd spend alot in gas taking the kids to and from 3 different schools. And on the other hand I could stay and hubby could leave but that just doesn't seem right to me. Right now I feel stuck. I also feel guilty for thinking about leaving when he's doing so good with his drinking. My head wants out, but my heart says to stick it out. Who do I listen to?
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Old 12-11-2004, 11:33 AM
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You seem to be very concerned about other people

But the concern you appear to have is what they'll think of you rather than being concerned with what you think of yourself. Your fil and your AH are basically running your life. Now you're asking here what you should do. I'm afraid nobody is going to tell you what to do because nobody else is living your life. I'm sure you'll have people tell you they can relate with what you're going through and may even tell you how THEY coped with the situation, but nobody is going to give you an answer to your situation.

You can choose to literally walk away from your fil when he starts yelling, you can yell back at him, you can ignore him, you can tell him to butt out, or probably any number of other responses - but it's YOUR choice.

I can understand you want your children to stay in decent schools, but I guess your aware that you're raising what will someday be adult children of an alcoholic and although kids are quite adaptable, there is a higher incidence of any one of them having a marriage that ends in divorce and/or marrying an addict when they grow up. That doesn't mean it's bound to happen, it's just that the odds are higher that it could.

I understand your frustration with nothing getting done - or only half-way done - around the house. My garage door has been broken for three years and I still listen to "I have SO MUCH to do," "I NEED to make a dentist appointment," "I HAVE to bring in the porch swing before it turns cold," blah, blah, blah. Mine spends most of his waking hours drinking and then taking "naps" throughout the day. As the disease progresses, an alcoholic becomes more focused on getting and consuming their addictive agent. If push comes to shove, an addict will pick the bottle over anything else. Period. Hey, it sucks and I get frustrated and depressed about it more than I should, but I have choices I can make. Believe me, it's tough to get up every Saturday and Sunday morning to find my AH started taking shots of scotch when he woke up so he's already half-bagged by noon. And this goes on day after day after day. I have financial reasons for staying, but other than that I know I can choose to leave if I want to at any time - or at least as soon as I have a job and can afford to move out.

You're the only person who can live the life you were given. You have some hard choices to make. I hope you find the serenity and hapiness you seek when you make those choices.
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Old 12-11-2004, 02:38 PM
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Thank you for the honest reaponse prodigal, I feel so confused right now and I hate feeling this way. I know I'd feel better if I could change my way of thinking, but I just can't seem to. I always feel I need someone to direct me in the right direction. I know I'm suppose to let my HP guide me but there doesn't seem to be anyone there.
Your story sounds so familar, before the dui hubby was the same way on weekends. He even drank some during work on week days. I just can't understand how I let myself get into this, but I'm so glad I found this site. I still have alot to learn, so have patience with me, lol
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Old 12-11-2004, 08:17 PM
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Suggestion (although I hesitate to make one)

How about this: Find yourself a good counselor (I would suggest a psychologist who has a background in addiction counseling) and go speak with him or her about your dilemma? If you cannot afford that, how about Al-Anon meetings? If you don't have meetings you can get the Al-Anon "Big Book" (similar to AA's Big Book). I would also suggest you go to AA meetings to get the feel and "flavor" for how alcoholics in recovery deal with their addiction. Generally, they're more than glad to give you a free copy of their Big Book - lots of great knowledge and insight in that book! It's about a lot more than the stories in the second part of the book about alcoholics and their story that led them to recovery.

Educate yourself. Learn and read as much as you can. We have online meetings here on a weekly basis. They're very helpful. Find people who have a healthy perspective on life - friends, family, new friends you can make, co-workers. Don't have a bitch session with them about your problems, but look to them for support and strength.

You realize your problem. You're just stuck in a spot where you don't know what to do. Only you can make that decision. Think about your children, think about your peace of mind, and consider this: if you left and got an apartment you would be financially strapped. There IS financial aid out there for women in your position. If not, you could still survive - and even thrive - in a living situation that is better than what you have now.

Nobody knows what the future holds, but if you work on healing yourself, you will naturally become involved with healthier people. Who's to say somewhere up the road you might meet a man who wants to be a real father to your children and a real partner for you????
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Old 12-12-2004, 12:58 AM
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mammacat,
When I decided to get help, I was ready to run as far and as fast as I could. But I didn't have the strength or the direction to run. Instead, I turned to Al-Anon, counselling, and this forum. Al-Anon suggested that I wait a year before making any major decisions. I figured, what is one more year going do? I'll give it a year and decide then if I still feel like leaving, or not.

I quit focussing on my marriage. Mr Magic and I were like to hurt animals living in the same house. He got really scared that I was going to leave. But instead, I healed, and grew. I found myself. I found serenity, strength, love, self esteem.

A year later, I was in a different place. I wasn't a victim of a screwed up marriage. I was a stronger person. I was responsible for my own happiness. I found that I could love without being sucked into fear, despair, and anger.

I decided not to leave. But even if I had looked at the situation, and decided I couldn't go on with it, that year gave me the strength and courage to do it in a healthy way. Not to escape, but to move on.

If you want a direction, try some Al-Anon meetings or counselling, like prodigal suggested. If you focus on your own recovery, the direction will come from within you. Hugs, Magic
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Old 12-12-2004, 06:48 PM
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heck, it just sucks sometimes. Trust your gut. You will get through it. Don't, however, forget to remember your instincts are usually right.
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