feeling so unbalanced, tired, and heart sore
sage
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
feeling so unbalanced, tired, and heart sore
I made an appointment for a session yesterday to work through all that I've been processing in letting go of the relationship with my XABF. I really felt like I had made some progress coming to terms with though it felt awful to go no contact with someone I truly love, it also felt very loving towards myself to understand I needed to be heard and loved. I felt like I'd made so much progress until I had a run - in with a family member left me feeling like the world had tipped on it's side and I've slid all the way to the bottom of a sheer, ice wall and now I have to start all over again. It did not help that I haven't gotten much sleep this week and that I've felt in a very tender place because of all the emotions I've been working through.
This family member started the exchange by refusing to make eye contact and with body language that expressed disrespect. He expressed extreme anger and hatred the entire conversation. He did not allow me to speak, every thing I attempted to say was interrupted and talked over. I was attacked, told I was worthless, told I was a bad parent, told my lifestyle was wrong, told I was so many negative, unkind things . . . all the kinds of red flags I would now walk away from. The kicker is this is my 16 yr old son who is currently in residential treatment. He keeps saying he wants to come home but I know the minute this drama walks back through my front door, I will lose so much of my progress and momentum.
As an adult, I should be able to cope with this. I should be able to be more resilient, attempt to be understanding of an emotionally unstable adolescent. But for some reason, not today. I'm really struggling today. It's not that I believe any of those things about myself. It's an unease that I've worked so hard to build a better day to day lifestyle for myself, and after hearing all this, there's an expectation on his part that I'm going to go back to the corporate lifestyle, perfect housewife home that he is demanding I provide for him. And yes, at one time I did manage to pull off those two roles well and simultaneously, which is why I have no patience for either role now.
And I don't want to. I have no idea how to reconcile who I am now and how I want to live, with contemplating how to reintegrate this angry, aggressive son back into my household. I'm not certain how it can be done without giving up my recovery.
This family member started the exchange by refusing to make eye contact and with body language that expressed disrespect. He expressed extreme anger and hatred the entire conversation. He did not allow me to speak, every thing I attempted to say was interrupted and talked over. I was attacked, told I was worthless, told I was a bad parent, told my lifestyle was wrong, told I was so many negative, unkind things . . . all the kinds of red flags I would now walk away from. The kicker is this is my 16 yr old son who is currently in residential treatment. He keeps saying he wants to come home but I know the minute this drama walks back through my front door, I will lose so much of my progress and momentum.
As an adult, I should be able to cope with this. I should be able to be more resilient, attempt to be understanding of an emotionally unstable adolescent. But for some reason, not today. I'm really struggling today. It's not that I believe any of those things about myself. It's an unease that I've worked so hard to build a better day to day lifestyle for myself, and after hearing all this, there's an expectation on his part that I'm going to go back to the corporate lifestyle, perfect housewife home that he is demanding I provide for him. And yes, at one time I did manage to pull off those two roles well and simultaneously, which is why I have no patience for either role now.
And I don't want to. I have no idea how to reconcile who I am now and how I want to live, with contemplating how to reintegrate this angry, aggressive son back into my household. I'm not certain how it can be done without giving up my recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Sage
And he wants to come home after talking to you like that?
NO.
16 years old is a good time to learn that there are consequences to our actions.
As you heal, some family members and friends will be going, as they were not in your corner.
You are changing and so will your associations.
And he wants to come home after talking to you like that?
NO.
16 years old is a good time to learn that there are consequences to our actions.
As you heal, some family members and friends will be going, as they were not in your corner.
You are changing and so will your associations.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
That hurts. I do have some experience along those lines sage.
Here is what I have come to. People have expectations of us to be a certain way and your corporate/perfect housewife role is where many (not just your Son) may want you to fit. I understand this. I think it is very unsettling for other people, especially our children to have us change in any kind of semi-dramatic way.
You were this - you did things this way - now you have changed and I preferred you the other way - period. Unless that happens, it's going to be darn near impossible to resolve and even then, you can't fit back in to those roles "properly" now that you have changed, so that's done.
All that said, you don't want to go back! This a good and healthy thing for you. I think, especially with children who may have been the center of all things, this isn't a good change for them.
There is this concept of women in the household being all nurturing (of others) and now, also, provider financially for others. Hey, I would like a parent like that now too!! That's not realistic, I suppose there are some people who take on those roles wholeheartedly and perhaps we do when our children are younger and need those things (I did as well). That doesn't mean you are always going to be that way. At 16 they are very independent and now they want it all. To be out in the world doing whatever they want with Mom still in the kitchen baking cookies.
As you know, his expectations are unrealistic, I think sometimes they don't see us a actual real people, more of a role in their lives? Hopefully, as they grow, they will be able to see us as separate (worthwhile) people. Just don't count on that.
Anyway, I haven't figured all this out. All I know is I am who I am and if that is not accepted by anyone, there is nothing I can do about that.
Is there any possibility that he can stay elsewhere when he leaves the facility?
Here is what I have come to. People have expectations of us to be a certain way and your corporate/perfect housewife role is where many (not just your Son) may want you to fit. I understand this. I think it is very unsettling for other people, especially our children to have us change in any kind of semi-dramatic way.
You were this - you did things this way - now you have changed and I preferred you the other way - period. Unless that happens, it's going to be darn near impossible to resolve and even then, you can't fit back in to those roles "properly" now that you have changed, so that's done.
All that said, you don't want to go back! This a good and healthy thing for you. I think, especially with children who may have been the center of all things, this isn't a good change for them.
There is this concept of women in the household being all nurturing (of others) and now, also, provider financially for others. Hey, I would like a parent like that now too!! That's not realistic, I suppose there are some people who take on those roles wholeheartedly and perhaps we do when our children are younger and need those things (I did as well). That doesn't mean you are always going to be that way. At 16 they are very independent and now they want it all. To be out in the world doing whatever they want with Mom still in the kitchen baking cookies.
As you know, his expectations are unrealistic, I think sometimes they don't see us a actual real people, more of a role in their lives? Hopefully, as they grow, they will be able to see us as separate (worthwhile) people. Just don't count on that.
Anyway, I haven't figured all this out. All I know is I am who I am and if that is not accepted by anyone, there is nothing I can do about that.
Is there any possibility that he can stay elsewhere when he leaves the facility?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Can we re-examine the assumption that you "should be able to cope with this"?
Is that really a realistic expectation? If a dear friend of yours told you that someone said and did those things to them, would you tell them, or even think to yourself, that they should be able to just suck that up and deal with it?
I understand that he is unstable, and a teenager, and has a lot of big feelings, and frankly may only right now feel safe enough (while in residential treatment, and with you) to express those feelings, and maybe that's what he needs right now, but wow, sage: You do not have to be okay with it.
You need to do what is right for you. As his parent, that is the best thing you can model for him. He doesn't have to like it, but he doesn't actually get a say in it.
Is that really a realistic expectation? If a dear friend of yours told you that someone said and did those things to them, would you tell them, or even think to yourself, that they should be able to just suck that up and deal with it?
I understand that he is unstable, and a teenager, and has a lot of big feelings, and frankly may only right now feel safe enough (while in residential treatment, and with you) to express those feelings, and maybe that's what he needs right now, but wow, sage: You do not have to be okay with it.
You need to do what is right for you. As his parent, that is the best thing you can model for him. He doesn't have to like it, but he doesn't actually get a say in it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
"As you know, his expectations are unrealistic, I think sometimes they don't see us a actual real people, more of a role in their lives"
I think this is bang on on the nose! Mother's ( or father's), are the providers, the fixers. We are superhuman, we don't get sick, feel pain, or get upset when our offspring are mean to us. He's finding out that this is not the case, and doesn't like it.
Much Love
Bute x
I think this is bang on on the nose! Mother's ( or father's), are the providers, the fixers. We are superhuman, we don't get sick, feel pain, or get upset when our offspring are mean to us. He's finding out that this is not the case, and doesn't like it.
Much Love
Bute x
sage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Eauchiche 
Dear Sage, And he wants to come home after talking to you like that? NO. 16 years old is a good time to learn that there are consequences to our actions. As you heal, some family members and friends will be going, as they were not in your corner. You are changing and so will your associations.
This son was arrested (multiple times) for violence against me, which is why he is in treatment. I can't say no to his discharge if he's successfully completed his program and the judge allows his discharge. This is some time in the future, so I do have some time. It was just a particularly hard "family therapy session," and I felt raw afterwards.
I've decided that I will write him a letter over the weekend, cc his therapist, to let him know what are my standards and expectations. At some point, if it's really looking like he's not willing to reintegrate home in a reasonable and healthy way, I will start looking into group homes or some other alternatives while he finishes high school.
Originally Posted by trailmix
People have expectations of us to be a certain way . . . You were this - you did things this way - now you have changed and I preferred you the other way - period. Unless that happens, it's going to be darn near impossible to resolve and even then, you can't fit back in to those roles "properly" now that you have changed, so that's done. All that said, you don't want to go back! This a good and healthy thing for you. I think, especially with children who may have been the center of all things, this isn't a good change for them.
I know I need a simple, quiet life, without tv / social media / partying. I like yoga and gardening and simple meals. I like a clean, quiet, simple home. I'm building an energy healing practice and I sometimes consult on the side for accounting. My previous life left me disabled, and though I can live independently now, for several years, I wasn't certain I would make it. So I know I can't go back.
Originally Posted by trailmix
There is this concept of women in the household being all nurturing (of others) and now, also, provider financially for others. Hey, I would like a parent like that now too!! That's not realistic, I suppose there are some people who take on those roles wholeheartedly and perhaps we do when our children are younger and need those things (I did as well). That doesn't mean you are always going to be that way. At 16 they are very independent and now they want it all.
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Can we re-examine the assumption that you "should be able to cope with this"? Is that really a realistic expectation? If a dear friend of yours told you that someone said and did those things to them, would you tell them, or even think to yourself, that they should be able to just suck that up and deal with it?
but wow, sage: You do not have to be okay with it.
You need to do what is right for you. As his parent, that is the best thing you can model for him. He doesn't have to like it, but he doesn't actually get a say in it.
but wow, sage: You do not have to be okay with it.
You need to do what is right for you. As his parent, that is the best thing you can model for him. He doesn't have to like it, but he doesn't actually get a say in it.
So, I did sit through that family therapy session, and for the most part, allowed my son to rant so that his therapist could see which things my son still needed to work through. I'd requested ground rules from this therapist before we started this process, so I will remind him about those. I really think that if my son arrives to a session and is this aggressive and out of control that the therapist needs to shift the session to a 1x1, and not attempt to loop me into it. You're so right: I do not have to be ok with it.
sage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Bute
"As you know, his expectations are unrealistic, I think sometimes they don't see us a actual real people, more of a role in their lives" I think this is bang on on the nose! Mother's ( or father's), are the providers, the fixers. We are superhuman, we don't get sick, feel pain, or get upset when our offspring are mean to us. He's finding out that this is not the case, and doesn't like it.
Much Love
Bute x
Much Love
Bute x
It just really is going to come down to the fact that we live differently now that we are living a clean, quiet life, and he cannot dictate how others live, not if he wants to be at home.
sage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
So as an update, we are a month in to having my teen at home after discharging from rehab. He's tested clean (2 weeks ago) but he's not going to school, has missed a week of work, and is not only not sleeping at night but keeping us all awake all night. I can't tell if he's not clean or if he's just on a really extended manic phase. I'm attempting to find solutions with his probation officer. I finally asked her today if there are any group home solutions.
I'm stressed, I'm sick, my disability / chronic condition is exacerbated to the point I can barely move from the pain. I know in other posts I'd expressed concerns about having my lifestyle change when this child came home -- my healthy lifestyle is gone. All I can manage is crisis management to try to keep the other children out of my son's way. I'm not taking clients, not bringing in any income, and barely making ends meet. I just want to cry.
I'm hoping there is some sort of group home that might be available. He hasn't yet been arrested again, so there's little the probation officer can do. I just don't know how much longer I can keep this going.
I'm stressed, I'm sick, my disability / chronic condition is exacerbated to the point I can barely move from the pain. I know in other posts I'd expressed concerns about having my lifestyle change when this child came home -- my healthy lifestyle is gone. All I can manage is crisis management to try to keep the other children out of my son's way. I'm not taking clients, not bringing in any income, and barely making ends meet. I just want to cry.
I'm hoping there is some sort of group home that might be available. He hasn't yet been arrested again, so there's little the probation officer can do. I just don't know how much longer I can keep this going.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Sage,
I can truly relate to what you
say about your condition being exacerbated by stress.
I too, developed a chronic pain condition, that affects my whole body. When I was first diagnosed, I had to use crutches to support my mobility, my speech was affected, cognitive function was very clouded, horrendous fatigue and a few other symptoms. Although improved, they will never go away. Medication gave me a life back, and I was able, for the most part, to detach from my son, in order to save myself.
It is a horrible and scarey way to live. I went from being healthy to unable to wipe my own butt.
This was due to the stress from my sons addiction, and me battling to save him, when he didn't want to be saved.
I hope that your home situation changes soon, in a way that benefits both you and your son. It is soul destroying when you feel you are constantly fire fighting.
Much Love
Bute x
I can truly relate to what you
say about your condition being exacerbated by stress.
I too, developed a chronic pain condition, that affects my whole body. When I was first diagnosed, I had to use crutches to support my mobility, my speech was affected, cognitive function was very clouded, horrendous fatigue and a few other symptoms. Although improved, they will never go away. Medication gave me a life back, and I was able, for the most part, to detach from my son, in order to save myself.
It is a horrible and scarey way to live. I went from being healthy to unable to wipe my own butt.
This was due to the stress from my sons addiction, and me battling to save him, when he didn't want to be saved.
I hope that your home situation changes soon, in a way that benefits both you and your son. It is soul destroying when you feel you are constantly fire fighting.
Much Love
Bute x
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Very sorry to hear, Sage. It sounds like you were building such a happy and simple lifestyle, which appeals to me also. People just don't understand when we can't do the corporate rat race and career ladder anymore, but it is so stressful, meaningless and draining. And I had trauma myself from all the bad relationships, so I understand the desire for calm and peace. It is most important of all.
I have never dealt with the sort of situation you have there, but a group home sounds reasonable. Does he realize the impact he is having on you and your environment? Can you guys talk at all? Often these situations break from the stress.
Wishing you strength and inner peace.
I have never dealt with the sort of situation you have there, but a group home sounds reasonable. Does he realize the impact he is having on you and your environment? Can you guys talk at all? Often these situations break from the stress.
Wishing you strength and inner peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
I'm also sorry to hear this, so very stressful. Did the probation officer indicate if there might be any group homes available? He needs real help, as you know and maybe even some kind of institutionalized setting. I know you mentioned you don't have a lot of help where you are, I wonder if it's possible to look to the next largest city center or town nearby, it's worth a shot, can't really go on like this.
He has a care group? Drs, psychiatrist, perhaps a call to them would be worthwhile too, you never who knows who or who has connections somewhere.
I don't know much about bi-polar except the basics, is this "normal" when they are in a manic state? Are their not drugs to help them control it?
I really hope something turns up.
He has a care group? Drs, psychiatrist, perhaps a call to them would be worthwhile too, you never who knows who or who has connections somewhere.
I don't know much about bi-polar except the basics, is this "normal" when they are in a manic state? Are their not drugs to help them control it?
I really hope something turns up.
sage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
No real progress . . . he (and my others) slept most of the day. He did make his own lunch and sat with me to eat at the kitchen table, apologised for his behavior, listened when I made some suggestions about sleep hygiene. Will that make a difference? I don't know, he tends to start winding up in the evenings.
He is on medications, therapy, all that. There are not a lot of treatment choices where I live, it's somewhat rural and most medical professionals have wait - lists. I didn't hear back from probation; I think they will be making a unannounced home visit within the next few days.
It's really painful to sit back and watch him make all these mistakes. I'm praying that he figures things out, sooner rather than later.
He is on medications, therapy, all that. There are not a lot of treatment choices where I live, it's somewhat rural and most medical professionals have wait - lists. I didn't hear back from probation; I think they will be making a unannounced home visit within the next few days.
It's really painful to sit back and watch him make all these mistakes. I'm praying that he figures things out, sooner rather than later.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
I totally understand your situation. Been there. It's worn me out.
My daughter finally found a sober living facility and seems to be stabilized for the time being. Some great resources for them if they are willing to or needing to follow the rules. Sometimes we have no other choice but to let them sink or swim. That's when my daughter started making progress. Let go, let him face his consequences. It tears your heart out but there are community programs that will hold them accountable if they want a roof over their head. My daughter was on the streets. She started applying her self to moving forward. I know she can go back to being on the streets but I can't keep saving her. She's 45 and I am 69. So her getting her act going is my problem? Hand it back to your son and then turn off your phone.
Actions not words on his part. Don't believe anything that can't support him by showing you - 1 - he can hold a job, or -2- he's cleaning up. Let your relationship go dark. He's in charge of his life, you have no power here. Don't throw money or promises at him. I tried with my own daughter. She's now becoming awesome but OMG it for F*g ever and it wasn't for lack of love or money on my part.
Good luck have strength, and God Bless
My daughter finally found a sober living facility and seems to be stabilized for the time being. Some great resources for them if they are willing to or needing to follow the rules. Sometimes we have no other choice but to let them sink or swim. That's when my daughter started making progress. Let go, let him face his consequences. It tears your heart out but there are community programs that will hold them accountable if they want a roof over their head. My daughter was on the streets. She started applying her self to moving forward. I know she can go back to being on the streets but I can't keep saving her. She's 45 and I am 69. So her getting her act going is my problem? Hand it back to your son and then turn off your phone.
Actions not words on his part. Don't believe anything that can't support him by showing you - 1 - he can hold a job, or -2- he's cleaning up. Let your relationship go dark. He's in charge of his life, you have no power here. Don't throw money or promises at him. I tried with my own daughter. She's now becoming awesome but OMG it for F*g ever and it wasn't for lack of love or money on my part.
Good luck have strength, and God Bless
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Can we re-examine the assumption that you "should be able to cope with this"?
Is that really a realistic expectation?
Is that really a realistic expectation?
sage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by velma929
I have a relative with an autistic son. He's not violent, is mostly non-verbal, but holds down an entry level job. He lives in a group home. She just can't give him the 24-hour-a-day supervision he needs.
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