LovelyKaya33333

Hi everyone,

Sorry I am posting so much .......
I am just realizing so many things about my exAH and my soon to be ex marriage. What did I know about him anyway? Now that we have been physically apart and have only communicated through text 3 times in over a month I have had enough distance to start to understand that I really didn't know him all that well. I knew his history or what he told me about it. I knew his relationship with his family. I knew his family. I knew some of his habits and likes and dislikes... However depending on the amount of drinks he had that day he would change. So say he was trying to stay sober he would be one version of himself (though looking back I don't think he was actually sober even a day)..... If he was only drinking 4-5 drinks a day he was a different version of himself ....if he had 5-8 drinks (which seemed at the very least he would have each day. I never counted but it seemed that was the minimum from what I saw ) ....he would be another version of himself... and 8-15 drinks or more he was glazed over eyes... Anyhow, I asked him questions often and we would have deeper conversations but the answers always varied depending on where is blood alcohol level was at. One minute he would want to build a life with me and the next day he would be distant. One minute I was the best wife ever.... the next minute he was annoyed with me...

I just feel like I never really knew him. His stance on things. His goals.... sometimes he was like a hurt child that wanted to be vulnerable and the net day stoic almost with zero emotions. When I met him he told me he had a strong faith in God yet we never prayed together or went to church together both things I expressed I would have loved to do together.

He called my best friends this morning and said "Kaya won't talk to me" I am assuming he knows or has figured out I have blocked him. He asked her if I was pregnant? which is so weird cause it wouldn't be his anyway. He has a vesectomy. She asked him why he would think that and he said something along the lines of one of the text convos we had where I said "I am least glad you get to be with your kiddos full time now... maybe I will get the chance to have one" This is back when I was attempting to try and see the reason in all this...but that does not mean I am pregnant now... I think he is thinking that may be the only reason or way I wouldn't talk to him. He also told he he was super hungover from drinking so much yesterday and he has been sleeping on peoples couches and in his Van. Part of me feels sad for him but the other part feels like I don't know him. I only know a small version of him that I loved. The rest of him has truly drowned in vodka. Thank you guys again for letting me share

trailmix

You mentioned in Tired1's thread about the advice your Dad gave you with regard to your uncle's behaviour. That applies here too, he's right. While your exH is mentally not ok, maybe it wasn't an actually disability he started out with, like your uncle, but it is just as real.

Him jumping from you saying that you might be able to have a child of your own someday to - you might be pregnant (especially since he has had a vasectomy) is a pretty good example of how far off track his thinking is.

Danger! He's have a pity part here and please don't be surprised if you get some kind of contact from him asking if he can come "home", perhaps his great "adventure" isn't working out quite as great as he thought it would when he was drunk and took off. Him telling your friend that is just trying to open that door, so you will feel bad. That kind of worked.

I hope he doesn't, but he may well and I hope you hold on to your new found realizations and freedom. You do know him, you are just having the chance now to really examine all that has gone on. His drinking moods just became part of your everyday life, so it begins to seem normal, it's very far from normal, sometimes it's hard to see that when you are right in the middle of it and the focus of your day (and his) is his drinking.

LovelyKaya33333

thank you. I’m 100% sure in my resolve to not have him come back. That hasn’t been an option for me even in my worst stages of grief and crying pains. Sorry if it’s TMI but I’m PMSing and still not near as anxious as I was on some of my best days when he was living here. I have a sense of peace that I forgot existed. I don’t think he will end up contacting me directly. He doesn’t allow himself to be vulnerable enough for that potential rejection so I think he will leave it at the poking around phase … he formally resigned from his position in California on Sunday so I don’t foresee him coming back. I think that may have been his plan but without me talking to him I think he knows it’s done.

PeacefulWater12

Glad you are expressing your feelings. It is healthy to do so. Get them out of your body.

I recognise the mood swings you mention. The switching from one attitude to another depending on where his blood alcohol is at. My late husband was like that. I could go from being the best wife in the world to covert sly swipes of criticism at me in a short time.. It is sadly the effect on the brain depending on the level of alcohol in the body as you say.

The medical people used to say to me that being married to an alcoholic is like being married to 25 different people.

I am still rather surprised now when people are stable and the same all the time. Haha, is taking me time to get used to "normal"!

I hear you about being a little sad for him, I was sad for my AH too. Being an alcoholic is utterly awful. I am a recovering alcoholic myself and I would not wish this blight on anyone. However and it is a big however, we must not get pulled in by an alcoholics self pity and manipulations. It is right to protect ourselves from it.

velma929

Just casting about here, you mentioning a child to him: in his distorted thinking, it may come down to; "Kaya must have been having an affair, that's where everything went wrong."

sage1969

Yes, I recognise this. I don't think I ever knew my XABF sober. Even when I was first getting to know him, going to dinner meant walking to the pub. He would even sometimes tell me how many drinks he'd had and what was his limit.

My breaking point arrived after the blackout proposal that he never remembered making, and I realised that he did not remember very much of our time together. It hurt that he didn't remember me or conversations, especially the deeper ones. I'd noticed whenever we talked about something challenging he'd get up and get another drink.

I started noticing the same pattern you mentioned, after how much alcohol in each range there was a perception shift; the changes in his voice. I deleted everything off my phone yesterday. All the photos, the saved voicemails. There were two saved voicemails, in one he was just saying something sweet, in the other, a message he'd left while he was at work. Now I realise that message might have been the only time I'd heard his voice while he was sober.

I also had seen which person he was in the mornings on our first and only weekend trip. Monosyllabic, impatient, systematic. Until that first drink with breakfast. And I think that was when I realised how bad it was, that it had scared me that he would show irritation with me, that his disease was progressing in a fast way, and that I couldn't stay any longer.