the hardest work I've ever had to do

Old 07-25-2021, 12:32 PM
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the hardest work I've ever had to do

I find myself in the unique understanding that I must create my own reality. And I'm not certain what I want. From early childhood everything was centered around everyone else's expectations, what to do in a daily routine, what to accomplish, what to do for others, how to be valuable. How to be of value in my family of origin, how to be of value in a community, how to be of value by doing service for others if there wasn't money to give, and to give money if there was. All my relationships from childhood forward were based on the value of what others could receive from me.

That I make my family proud with my achievements, that I earn my own way but still chip in and pay for what my siblings needed. To make my own way in university to be successful and earn multiple degrees, have those letters behind my name. Be a successful professional and earn everything my family needs while also raising children and providing all their needs, physical and emotional. Finding a way to pick up the pieces when my husband completed suicide and I couldn't pay for anything needed for the funeral, and spending years donating my time and efforts in my religious community when I did not have the money to pay for my family's portion of dues. "Paying it forward" by helping people when they asked, most of the time when I already had a full plate and empty pockets and no reserves left.

Where I am now: in recovery from addictions including codependency; disabled from multiple and severe autoimmune diseases; attempting to provide for my family without selling my soul all over again; and attempting to find myself.

I'm not certain where I fit into this world anymore. I know I don't fit into anything I see on the news or on social media, most of my friendships were based on transactional relationships so they have dissolved, as were my roles in my family of origin. I have let go of my ties to organised religion and that community. I find little peace in the ways I used to create music or art, gardening . . . at some point it all seems like self - medication.

I'm attempting to start all over again, finding what is meaningful to me day to day, and disposing of the rest. Shedding habits and belongings that are no longer meaningful. Feeling into each things I do: what does it mean to me? is it something I want or am I doing it because of what others expect? is it something I do because it feeds the image of what others think I should be?

If you ask who am I, I can't honestly answer. I can't define who I am with any of the labels I'd been taught to recognise, carry, or relate to. For the first time since I was a tiny child, it does matter what I want.

And I realise that I need to sit with this empty container that I am and choose each habit or trait or emotion or dream that I put into myself. Taking each action or step with prayer and intention.

And I think this is the hardest work I've ever had to do.
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Old 07-25-2021, 01:00 PM
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sage.....I think what you describe can apply to sooo many people---and, especially. a lot of those who find themselves on this particular forum----including myself, in that.
It causes so many of us to look for our validity and value outside of ourselves---the dratted external validation---and leading many down a path of co-dependency.

The one thing that I would say to you, sage---is this------what you are attempting to do, now is absolutely possible to do. I think that you are "re-birthing" a part of yo
urself that has been buried deep--deep down. But it is there! You will see a new Sage emerging from the depths..
Now, that you have pulled back the curtains on yourself awareness---you will never be able to "unknow" what you now know.

Sage----you are valuable because you exist. All of the creatures under the Universe have intrinsic value---and Sage is not excluded!!!!!!!
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Old 07-25-2021, 01:30 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
It causes so many of us to look for our validity and value outside of ourselves---the dratted external validation---and leading many down a path of co-dependency.
Dandy, I know in my mind, in my ego, that the only validation I need is my own, that I must hold that power within myself and not let it go again, not hand it over. I think the hardest part of this journey is attempting to discover who I am -- it feels like it should take years and years to learn that, and in the meantime society around me is demanding I participate, knocking down my door and demanding. It takes all my concentration and effort to stay in a place of acceptance and grace and trust, and the figurative banging on my door is so hard to ignore.

Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
you will never be able to "unknow" what you now know.
I can't "unknow." I can't go back, it was literally killing me. I have so much physical healing to do and it seems my body won't heal if my spirit can't change.

Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Sage----you are valuable because you exist. All of the creatures under the Universe have intrinsic value---and Sage is not excluded!!!!!!!
This is really my only solace and truth right now, that somehow I chose this journey and the Creator created me along with all other life.
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Old 07-25-2021, 01:32 PM
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I can relate sage. I am going through such a transition. It feels like a rebirth. So much from my old life I don’t want to go back to but don’t know how to move forward. Because I’m not fully sure who I am. I am out of my marriage to a alcoholic narcissist. And I am in a limbo period as my mother, who is my only remaining family of origin, is in hospice for heart failure and dementia. I am finally understanding how her narcissism and my co-dependence and need for her approval for 50 years has shaped who I am who who I don’t want to be anymore.
So she will be gone soon and I will be able to restart my life. But where and how to start? My old life involved friends and activities that revolve around drinking. And I don’t want that to be the focus of my social life anymore.
Both of my kids are in college. I don’t feel like dating. So I feel like I am starting my life from scratch and need to find myself. Because life has been for and about the lives and approval of everyone else in my life. It feels overwhelming.
As you move forward, I would love to hear how you are doing it.
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Old 07-25-2021, 01:42 PM
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From the Merriam Webster Dictionary:
sage, adjective - wise through reflection and experience

I believe you chose your name well, sage.
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Old 07-25-2021, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Freshstart1111 View Post
Because I’m not fully sure who I am. I am out of my marriage to a alcoholic narcissist. And I am in a limbo period as my mother, who is my only remaining family of origin, is in hospice for heart failure and dementia. I am finally understanding how her narcissism and my co-dependence and need for her approval for 50 years has shaped who I am who who I don’t want to be anymore. So she will be gone soon and I will be able to restart my life.
Fresh, I'm so sorry that you are facing this impending loss on top of everything else you've been through. Perhaps it helps you've done so much work already that you can acknowledge the pain and damage done, but also say your good - byes without carrying any of it forward?

Originally Posted by Freshstart1111 View Post
Because life has been for and about the lives and approval of everyone else in my life. It feels overwhelming.
As you move forward, I would love to hear how you are doing it.
It feels immensely overwhelming. So far the only strategy I've come up with (since my head won't get out of the way and I'm a spreadsheet type of person) is to look at everything in my life, each place I spend time, energy, resources, and decide for whom am I doing that?

And yes, even down to what might seem to be ridiculous, like brushing my teeth or doing yoga. So I've been able to let go of things, like guilt and beating myself up for not maintaining an exercise regime like I did in my 20s as a competitive athlete, or planning and executing a 3 meal per day menu, when my children are old enough to make their own breakfasts and lunches, and can help me cook dinners, or at least heat up leftovers and wash dishes. I started a training program a year ago that has taught me new ways of looking at things, which is why I'm at SR now: I couldn't maintain the pretense that I was ok and not acknowledge that I needed to do this work and that I needed support.

Is it the best way to find who am I? I don't know.
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Old 07-25-2021, 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
From the Merriam Webster Dictionary:
sage, adjective - wise through reflection and experience

I believe you chose your name well, sage.
Honey, I chose this name as a reminder that no matter how much meditation and prayer I do, no matter how much "smudging," I have to keep doing the work. I was told recently that I couldn't "meditate myself out of this one." And it's so ******* true, every thought, every action, I'm still doing so many of these from a place of codependency.
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