AH is right or my codependency seems to be flaring up
Ke**i
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Location: Peoria Il
Posts: 23
AH is right or my codependency seems to be flaring up
I was feeling good and moving forward, but was triggered by stbxAH inconsiderate actions of taking w#2 to our home town only 4 months after our seperation and has spent money in that relationship I feel he shouldn't yet. Anger and hate have filled me. I have yelled and called him nasty names, threatened to take things from him and then changed my words and told him I don't want a thing. I feel insane and guilty for my actions and words. He once told me he was not happy being with me, because I am an angry, hurtful, and bitter person. My actions are just proving him right and it's making me sick!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Tired1 
He once told me he was not happy being with me, because I am an angry, hurtful, and bitter person. My actions are just proving him right and it's making me sick!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I was recently reading about "reactive abuse", which is where the alcoholic/narcissist/abuser pushes and pushes and pushes and eventually the other person can take no more and explodes in uncharacteristic anger/rage/yelling at them. They are then thrilled to bits and smugly say "there you go, I was right". Or words to that effect.
Your post put me in mind of this.
You are being a normal human being who has been pushed and triggered to more than anyone can or should tolerate.
Your post put me in mind of this.
You are being a normal human being who has been pushed and triggered to more than anyone can or should tolerate.
Ke**i
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Location: Peoria Il
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
It's good that you're tuning into the coping skills that are no longer serving you. Do you have people who are helping you work on this?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Tired
4 months is nothing. Your emotions are raw and you are tired.
If you stay with a good program of recovery, you will eventually respond differently to others' actions. It takes a lot of time, hard work and patience to get there.
Your ex won't change. Even if he does or is out of your life, there will always be other crazy-making people trying to sabotage your life.
The point of recovery for us, is to get the buttons disconnected that they used to push.
4 months is nothing. Your emotions are raw and you are tired.
If you stay with a good program of recovery, you will eventually respond differently to others' actions. It takes a lot of time, hard work and patience to get there.
Your ex won't change. Even if he does or is out of your life, there will always be other crazy-making people trying to sabotage your life.
The point of recovery for us, is to get the buttons disconnected that they used to push.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Tired......back in your first post---you asked if you were "Crazy".....and, you are saying that you feel "insane", right now.
You are not mentally ill. Being angry does not, in itself, make a person mentally ill.
As I scanned over all of your past threads---you give plenty of reasons that would explain your anger at your husband. Such behavior is certainly anger provoking---for most any wife----I know it certainly would be for me!
When he says critical things about you----you need to realize that it is a maneuver that he uses to deflect his responsibility onto you---Deflection----and, he knows very well that being "blamed" is a hot button for you. I can imaging that when he unfairly blames you, that it cuts to your heart like a knife...?
i am sure that he senses that your personal self-esteem is down so low that you will believe whatever he says about you.
You just answered my above question----that you are not basically an "angry, hurtful and bitter person". You know that you are not---and, that you are reacting to his wretched behaviors.
Like PeacefulWaters said----he probably grooves on his ability to point the finger at you!
In co-dependency, it is not unusual for a person to seek their validation from outside of themselves---rather than validate themselves from their own insides.
You are still in the grieving process---and anger is one of the feelings that comes with processing the grief.
You said that you were seeing a counselor in 2019---I hope you are still seeing that person so that you can get some support in processing the anger that you must have been storing up for many years.
I think that alanon meetings would be a good support for you in validating your self.
You are not mentally ill. Being angry does not, in itself, make a person mentally ill.
As I scanned over all of your past threads---you give plenty of reasons that would explain your anger at your husband. Such behavior is certainly anger provoking---for most any wife----I know it certainly would be for me!
When he says critical things about you----you need to realize that it is a maneuver that he uses to deflect his responsibility onto you---Deflection----and, he knows very well that being "blamed" is a hot button for you. I can imaging that when he unfairly blames you, that it cuts to your heart like a knife...?
i am sure that he senses that your personal self-esteem is down so low that you will believe whatever he says about you.
You just answered my above question----that you are not basically an "angry, hurtful and bitter person". You know that you are not---and, that you are reacting to his wretched behaviors.
Like PeacefulWaters said----he probably grooves on his ability to point the finger at you!
In co-dependency, it is not unusual for a person to seek their validation from outside of themselves---rather than validate themselves from their own insides.
You are still in the grieving process---and anger is one of the feelings that comes with processing the grief.
You said that you were seeing a counselor in 2019---I hope you are still seeing that person so that you can get some support in processing the anger that you must have been storing up for many years.
I think that alanon meetings would be a good support for you in validating your self.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Tired, In learning about codependency, I found something that helped to explain the anger I was feeling, and it was a powerful anger, I was furious in a way I'd never felt before.
In codependency, we place our power / self worth / center outside ourselves in others, and derive validation by doing and being for others. Then we get really angry when they don't validate us or do something that throws away who we are or what we sacrificed.
By pulling our centers back within ourselves, we no longer need others' approval. And we can let go of the anger and bitterness. We know we are holding our own power and that allows us to carry that power and be thoughtful about what we express and how we express it, what we do and how we do it.
It probably is not comfortable that your XAH is parading his dirty underwear all over your hometown. My thought is that people will see him for the alcoholic basket case he is. It's now got nothing to do with you.
In codependency, we place our power / self worth / center outside ourselves in others, and derive validation by doing and being for others. Then we get really angry when they don't validate us or do something that throws away who we are or what we sacrificed.
By pulling our centers back within ourselves, we no longer need others' approval. And we can let go of the anger and bitterness. We know we are holding our own power and that allows us to carry that power and be thoughtful about what we express and how we express it, what we do and how we do it.
It probably is not comfortable that your XAH is parading his dirty underwear all over your hometown. My thought is that people will see him for the alcoholic basket case he is. It's now got nothing to do with you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
My go-to phrase when my AH is trying to rile me up with those types of things is “sorry you feel that way, take care!”. And that’s it. I either leave at that point or hang up.
It now makes him angry, so when he gets more words in before I can leave/hang up, I just repeat it again. It really does cover most all situations!!
It now makes him angry, so when he gets more words in before I can leave/hang up, I just repeat it again. It really does cover most all situations!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Tired1
I was feeling good and moving forward, but was triggered by stbxAH inconsiderate actions of taking w#2 to our home town only 4 months after our seperation and has spent money in that relationship I feel he shouldn't yet. Anger and hate have filled me. I have yelled and called him nasty names, threatened to take things from him and then changed my words and told him I don't want a thing. I feel insane and guilty for my actions and words. He once told me he was not happy being with me, because I am an angry, hurtful, and bitter person. My actions are just proving him right and it's making me sick!
You may have read on the forum that I once had a husband that had a go to of arguing and yelling over the least of things. I participated, I was defending my point or position or whatever it was at the time.
Now, had you been able to see all this you might have said, omg that woman has a temper, she is fighting with him every other day!
Well, actually no, since I divorced him several years ago, I probably haven't really raised my voice more than twice and nothing like what was going on with him.
I think it's important not to define ourselves by what others think but I also feel it's important to see that some of the reactions we had/might still have sometimes can relate back to a position we were in. You're not an angry, hurtful, and bitter person really are you? I think him saying that would really hurt because perhaps you knew then that your reaction was a reaction to the unfairness and frustration of the situation? The fact that he can't see that adds to the frustration.
It was easier for me because my ex never accused me of "being" anything, he was at least aware of his actions (he was not an alcoholic). Your exH is working in his own realm, he can't see it, probably never will, again, more frustration for you.
What he did by taking her there was rude and mean, but he will not see that. Your reaction seems normal. The only suggestion I would make is that perhaps you refrain from talking to him/texting him or confronting him about any of his horrible behaviour. It's tempting for sure but gives you nothing. Vent here, write it out in a journal, talk to people you trust, scream in to your pillow, be kind to yourself.
Ke**i
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Location: Peoria Il
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by sage1969
It probably is not comfortable that your XAH is parading his dirty underwear all over your hometown. My thought is that people will see him for the alcoholic basket case he is. It's now got nothing to do with you.
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