Jade0501

We started dating when he almost had a year of sobriety. He made it to well over a year and then he relapsed. He seemed to be on the right track for some time, but then he relapsed again. He broke up with me over a week ago to focus on his sobriety. It’s really hard because I miss him a lot. He was such a loving boyfriend when he was sober and he was sober almost our entire relationship of 7 months. I didn’t see his relapse coming and it’s hurts so much that I’m no longer part of his life.

He decided we do no contact so he could focus solely on staying sober. He told me how much he loved me and he didn’t want to put me through his recovery during early sobriety. He also told me not to wait for him since he doesn’t know what the future holds. I miss him a lot and really want the best for him. I’d love for us to be together again one day but it is stupid for me to hold out hope?

sage1969

I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing -- I'm certain this really hurts. A lot.

There are some things for which you can be thankful: that you had those 7 months of time and that it was a time when your boyfriend was sober and healthy and his authentic self, that your time together was loving and you both have so many good memories.

Your boyfriend has done a really honorable and honest and caring thing by going through and focusing on recovery without dragging you through it. He's being accountable and that is really important for both of you.

As to what the future holds, well, none of us know that. It is positive that your relationship was built during a time of sober living, so there is something real to build more upon. Your boyfriend was actually being extremely skillful when he said not to wait for him. It means you focus on living your best life while he focuses on his recovery.

Try to let go of the pain, treasure the good memories, and cherish yourself.

trailmix

Hi Jade. I don't think it's "stupid" to hold out hope but I do think it would be a waste of your time. Not because there are no possibilities there, who knows? Just because that is what is perhaps best for you. Not best for him, not best for you as a potentially future couple, just for you.

I've heard this same thing before many times right here on this forum. In some cases it is the truth, getting sober is HARD! It does take, in many cases, that much focus on self to get and stay sober. I don't know what else he said but he may have realized that he is not ready for a relationship and doesn't know when he will be. Obviously not right now. Relationships can be emotionally intensive for many people, especially when he is not used to being in a relationship sober.

On the other hand, he may have just decided he wants to drink.

For you, while he sounds like a great boyfriend, keep in mind that even if you two did have potential in the future, do you really want to put yourself on "hold" indefinitely? It can take years (as you have just witnessed) for people to get a really strong foot-hold in sobriety and even that is not a guarantee of continued sobriety. In just over a year he has relapsed twice.

PeacefulWater12

Sorry for the hurt and pain you are feeling. It will pass over time. I would encourage you not to wait for him. You have no idea how much time you would waste waiting. Also no idea whether he would actually get truly sober and in recovery. It can take years to get stable recovery.

Also he has told you not to wait. You would be much better moving on.

Ok, I must admit reading your post set off red flags to me. For an alcoholic to be as seemingly mature and thoughtful as his words suggest is unusual. There is often another agenda going on that you won't know about.

FallenAngelina

This is the alcoholic version of "It's not you, it's me." He is trying to let you down easy, which nobody ever succeeds at, alcoholic or not. Break ups hurt. He broke up with you. That's what is going on here.