AF is in denial about our breakup and my move. Please help!
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 1
AF is in denial about our breakup and my move. Please help!
My AF (49M, been with for 4 years, living together for 1.5) has finally decided to stop drinking in the last couple of days and swears that he is doing "the work" by not drinking and seeing a counselor once. He is a good guy who loves me so much, but he has been a disaster for the last year- not working, abusive when he drinks, alienating my daughter, not reliable, depressed. I have had 6 significant discussions with him over the last year- the first after the police came to talk to him about his aggressive behavior. The most recent conversation was yesterday when I told him that I am moving out. IN each of these discussions, I've worked hard to be straightforward, honest, and compassionate, talking about how I feel and what my boundaries are. About six months ago, I told him his drinking was a dealbreaker. Three weeks ago I told him that we were at the end of our relationship and that I was taking steps to move out. Then, yesterday, I told him I am moving out this week.
I say all of this because I am mystified by his reaction. After each of these conversations it has been like we never had them. He has gone back to drinking (except for this last time- sober for 6 days now) and he has acted like everything is fine. He hasn't asked follow up questions, or for clarification, or checked in about any of these very direct and difficult conversations. He wasn't angry or aggressive in response to the conversations and wasn't even defensive! After our conversation yesterday, which followed the same conversation from the day before, he cried and was sad and mopey and kind and upset- appropriate responses.
This morning he told me he wanted to go away for a romantic weekend together and said he slept well and feels good. It's like none of that happened. I was so surprised that I said- uh, I don't know what to say, so we will have to talk later (I'm working from home.)
In the last couple of weeks, I have found a place for my child and myself to move into. I have brought some of our more precious items over there. My child is with her father until next week, so I have worked hard to get her out of the house, just in case. I wasn't sure how AF would react to any of this, so I wanted to walk the line between telling him and then having to wait weeks until we could move in, and giving him enough warning and honesty. My stuff isn't in boxes yet, because the movers can't come until this weekend (although I don't have a ton of stuff that I need/want to take with me!)
I know my codependent thinking is getting the better of me here. I don't know how to respond to AFs denial and bizarre nonchalance about this. I don't know what to say to him or what to do. This response triggers all sorts of ACOA feelings/trauma responses from my relationships with my father and ex-husband. It's like he has been hit on the head. I am worried about him- amnesia, confusion, strange affect. It is crazy-making. I feel like he's gaslighting me, but I think he might also be gas-lighting himself?
Has anyone ever experienced something like this? What should/can I do or say next?
Thank you for your time!
I say all of this because I am mystified by his reaction. After each of these conversations it has been like we never had them. He has gone back to drinking (except for this last time- sober for 6 days now) and he has acted like everything is fine. He hasn't asked follow up questions, or for clarification, or checked in about any of these very direct and difficult conversations. He wasn't angry or aggressive in response to the conversations and wasn't even defensive! After our conversation yesterday, which followed the same conversation from the day before, he cried and was sad and mopey and kind and upset- appropriate responses.
This morning he told me he wanted to go away for a romantic weekend together and said he slept well and feels good. It's like none of that happened. I was so surprised that I said- uh, I don't know what to say, so we will have to talk later (I'm working from home.)
In the last couple of weeks, I have found a place for my child and myself to move into. I have brought some of our more precious items over there. My child is with her father until next week, so I have worked hard to get her out of the house, just in case. I wasn't sure how AF would react to any of this, so I wanted to walk the line between telling him and then having to wait weeks until we could move in, and giving him enough warning and honesty. My stuff isn't in boxes yet, because the movers can't come until this weekend (although I don't have a ton of stuff that I need/want to take with me!)
I know my codependent thinking is getting the better of me here. I don't know how to respond to AFs denial and bizarre nonchalance about this. I don't know what to say to him or what to do. This response triggers all sorts of ACOA feelings/trauma responses from my relationships with my father and ex-husband. It's like he has been hit on the head. I am worried about him- amnesia, confusion, strange affect. It is crazy-making. I feel like he's gaslighting me, but I think he might also be gas-lighting himself?
Has anyone ever experienced something like this? What should/can I do or say next?
Thank you for your time!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Hi, I don't think there is anything to do. You made your decision, you told him and you are moving this weekend. That's that.
How he chooses to deal with that (and in this case denial) is out of your control, not your concern really. We can tell people something, how they perceive that, how they react, that's not up to us.
From what you have said you are doing the right thing, so hopefully you can find some peace in that. If he brings things up like this weekend, you can restate your intention - I am moving out this weekend.
You never need to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your decisions and certainly not in this case.
Alcoholism is full of denial, he's probably an expert, which is sad, but also not your issue.
How he chooses to deal with that (and in this case denial) is out of your control, not your concern really. We can tell people something, how they perceive that, how they react, that's not up to us.
From what you have said you are doing the right thing, so hopefully you can find some peace in that. If he brings things up like this weekend, you can restate your intention - I am moving out this weekend.
You never need to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your decisions and certainly not in this case.
Alcoholism is full of denial, he's probably an expert, which is sad, but also not your issue.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I would just add - be careful.
He had aggressive behavior in the past to the point that the police were involved.
Do you have anyone who is going to be there with you (preferably a big guy or three..) as you are moving? I would definitely make sure you have a couple people there with you. This is when abusive alcoholic men lose their ability to maintain rational behavior and when he really realizes you're making this move he could turn violent.
He had aggressive behavior in the past to the point that the police were involved.
Do you have anyone who is going to be there with you (preferably a big guy or three..) as you are moving? I would definitely make sure you have a couple people there with you. This is when abusive alcoholic men lose their ability to maintain rational behavior and when he really realizes you're making this move he could turn violent.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
You've said that you've had this discussion how many times? 6 over the past year? And you've given him how many chances?
And how many days has he been sober?
There is a point you have to take care of you and your child. You've made all the arrangements. You've done all the work. At some point you need to start living again. Along with JADE, remember the three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Change it.
And how many days has he been sober?
There is a point you have to take care of you and your child. You've made all the arrangements. You've done all the work. At some point you need to start living again. Along with JADE, remember the three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Change it.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
And as to whether anyone's seen anything like this, yes. I have.
The romantic weekend? I realised the first morning we were there how bad it was when I saw the morning shakes for the first time. The confusion? Yes, he honestly didn't remember the times we'd set dates and he forgot. The times it had been 6 - 8 weeks since we'd seen each other because he couldn't remember to make plans with me and then it would all fade away once he'd started in on his evening drinking.
I could keep going, but I'm certain I don't need to. Alcohol is always going to be #1. The rest will be lost in a mixture of denial and alcohol - induced fog.
Stick to your plan.
The romantic weekend? I realised the first morning we were there how bad it was when I saw the morning shakes for the first time. The confusion? Yes, he honestly didn't remember the times we'd set dates and he forgot. The times it had been 6 - 8 weeks since we'd seen each other because he couldn't remember to make plans with me and then it would all fade away once he'd started in on his evening drinking.
I could keep going, but I'm certain I don't need to. Alcohol is always going to be #1. The rest will be lost in a mixture of denial and alcohol - induced fog.
Stick to your plan.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
bigmarg.....yes, I have seen it. Also, you will see it in many of the stories of other members who have posted here.
Alcoholics who are actively drinking---the way you indicate that he has been---are pretty much like Space Cadets much of the time.
For one thing, when they are drinking they can be in alcoholic blackouts which means that they actually do not remember things---even if they look like they could, at the time of the drinking.
Another thing, if you have hounded him about it---and not ever left before---he probably thinks that you don't really mean it.
You know----you can't really judge if another person's reactions are "appropriate" or not (for them). They react the way they react.
You know how You would react---or, how you WISH they would react.
It sounds like you might have wanted him to be sad and crying and devastated that you might be leaving? Honestly?
I think that it is insightful that you realize that feelings about your alcoholic father and ex-husband are at play, right now.
That would be good and fruitful foldder for your sessions with your therapist or sponsor.
***I do think that it is a good reminder that the time of leaving can be a dangerous time in a relationship where one person may feel rejected.
If that person feels that they are losing control---they can become aggressive. Keep a good heads up, about that potential.
Alcoholics who are actively drinking---the way you indicate that he has been---are pretty much like Space Cadets much of the time.
For one thing, when they are drinking they can be in alcoholic blackouts which means that they actually do not remember things---even if they look like they could, at the time of the drinking.
Another thing, if you have hounded him about it---and not ever left before---he probably thinks that you don't really mean it.
You know----you can't really judge if another person's reactions are "appropriate" or not (for them). They react the way they react.
You know how You would react---or, how you WISH they would react.
It sounds like you might have wanted him to be sad and crying and devastated that you might be leaving? Honestly?
I think that it is insightful that you realize that feelings about your alcoholic father and ex-husband are at play, right now.
That would be good and fruitful foldder for your sessions with your therapist or sponsor.
***I do think that it is a good reminder that the time of leaving can be a dangerous time in a relationship where one person may feel rejected.
If that person feels that they are losing control---they can become aggressive. Keep a good heads up, about that potential.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
bigmarg.....thee is another potential reaction that he might be having----that there could be an element of relief that he would be able to drink as he wishes---without you being on his case about it. That is not uncommon, either.
In fact, he could be having a mixture of motivations or reasons for his reaction.
You will probably never really know for sure.
That this way of living is unacceptable for you and your child is the main thing that you need to know. That is the very most important thing for you.
In fact, he could be having a mixture of motivations or reasons for his reaction.
You will probably never really know for sure.
That this way of living is unacceptable for you and your child is the main thing that you need to know. That is the very most important thing for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
I agree with being careful while leaving. You really never know how someone will react to leaving, and alcohol makes people even more unpredictable.
That offer for a sudden romantic weekend on the exact time when you were making moves to leave right after a serious talk is definitely bait. He has this pattern of abuse and "forgetting" your talks, then after a serious one suddenly he's playing the romantic? Please. He likely doesn't want to lose you, and knows pulling you back in with some charm is effective. At the very least, it's clearly unbalancing to you.
Keep doing what you're doing and go through with the move. I definitely agree with getting help, both for moving and for support against his insanity. If possible, also don't let him "help" so he gets to learn where your new place is and familiarize himself with the layout. Good luck, you can do this.
That offer for a sudden romantic weekend on the exact time when you were making moves to leave right after a serious talk is definitely bait. He has this pattern of abuse and "forgetting" your talks, then after a serious one suddenly he's playing the romantic? Please. He likely doesn't want to lose you, and knows pulling you back in with some charm is effective. At the very least, it's clearly unbalancing to you.
Keep doing what you're doing and go through with the move. I definitely agree with getting help, both for moving and for support against his insanity. If possible, also don't let him "help" so he gets to learn where your new place is and familiarize himself with the layout. Good luck, you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Mine totally ignored anything I ever said which she didnt want to hear.
At one point she was living in a house I had bought for her to live in. Over time, many bad things we going on. I had no choice but to get her our of that house. I had to get a local attorney to send her a detailed very threating type letter which bottom line said either willingly move out in four months or I will take the information I know go to the local police then immediately file with the court for eviction. This letter was delivered to her by an official courier service. She signed for receipt of the letter & threw it out. It took her the entire four months but she did finally move out. She totally ignored it all until basically the last minute. We kept seeing each other like nothing ever happened. I kept telling her you have to move out or its going to go bad.
At one point she was living in a house I had bought for her to live in. Over time, many bad things we going on. I had no choice but to get her our of that house. I had to get a local attorney to send her a detailed very threating type letter which bottom line said either willingly move out in four months or I will take the information I know go to the local police then immediately file with the court for eviction. This letter was delivered to her by an official courier service. She signed for receipt of the letter & threw it out. It took her the entire four months but she did finally move out. She totally ignored it all until basically the last minute. We kept seeing each other like nothing ever happened. I kept telling her you have to move out or its going to go bad.
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