LovelyKaya33333

Hi guys... so after 3 weeks of NC since my AH left out of the blue I reached out yesterday. I don't know 100% why I did it...Maybe being strong for 3 weeks was too much for me. Maybe feeling like the oddness of it ending how it did was too much for me... Maybe it is that my divorce papers will be here any day and I am getting ready to send them to him... I am sure there are a lot of variables...

Either way I was wondering when that wave of intense anxiety was going to hit. I mean I have had some bad days but I was able to keep up with work, go to the gym and I even had been eating normal... after our text exhange yesterday I could hardly fall asleep the level of anxiety was one of the worst I have ever felt. I woke up having nightmare after nightmare about him. Everytime I woke up starting at 1am my heart was pounding... I could take a melatonin and fall back to sleep only to wake up 2 hours later... It is weird how the first three weeks were so much easier than last night/this morning is. Maybe cause he left without notice...maybe it was the shock of it all that hadn't weaned off...maybe now it is hitting me that it is actually over and done... he apologized and said he just thinks he missed something growing up and doesn't think he should ever be with someone...said he loves me and he always will and that I am amazing... That he is sorry that I have to go through pain...that he is too... but still I am so angry... This just wasn't fair ... I know I am better off without him and I borderline sounding like a 5 year old saying it isn't fair but it ******* hurts and I don't deserve any more ******* hurt....sorry for cussing but god... That was the first thing I texted him... "Jesus F***"... Then I said it took me 3 weeks to put 2 words together... that was all I seemed to be able to manage at first... So why is the worst of it now... I am so confused. It thought it would be the first three weeks or so...It has been almost 1 month and now it feels worse....

trailmix

It could be a number of reasons.

Could be that it has taken you almost a month to actually accept that this relationship, as you knew it, is over, that may also be why your anxiety level was so high yesterday and why you decided to talk to him.

He can't make it better, of course, but it seems like he can at the time, I know. He has accepted that he can't handle a relationship (except to pursue his one with alcohol), that's actually pretty enlightened of him. Does it mean he will never be in a relationship again? No, because alcoholism is progressive and he will keep changing as it progresses and if he keeps it up and you meet him in say, 5-10 years, you would probably say - that's not the guy I knew.

Just like the guy he is now is not the one you knew, say 5 years ago.

It is horribly unfair. I mean people get married and change over the years and that's not easy sometimes, but people work through it, they get along, they accept the differences and they can be very happy. You can't get along with his alcoholism, he won't allow that, but truly, neither will you, you don't want that lifestyle with him. You don't get a choice to work through it, that's the REALLY hard part.

So acceptance, that's the start. Getting through the first part is kind of an endurance thing (in my book), you struggle but you do it, you prove to yourself that you can have no contact with this person and still function and hey, maybe even have a laugh once in a while (or at least a day you don't spend all day in bed).

It's different for everyone. Some might hope it can be over, there is pain but they are just striving to get through the dark period and back to some kind of normal. With his exit being so shocking, you didn't get time to process this in advance.

He may be the guy on the other end of the phone or text that says he is sorry you are in pain and he is too (and no doubt he is). He is also the guy that packed up and drove down the road with no notice. Maybe the fair part of this is that you got him out of your life, he honestly doesn't not deserve your attention, you'll get there.

Let's say that is his absolute gospel truth. Doesn't mean he had to be an *******, but he is, that's a choice.

Cookie314

You don't need to be ashamed for wanting to reach out. In a way, it reminds me of the cycle an addict building up to drink goes through. You have a period of time where things are kind of ok, then that need and tension builds up until you feel you have to act on it. Everyone has triggers, and they're not always obvious. Just as addicts experience PAWS, their loved ones also experience trauma. The pressure you were feeling built, until you found the relief valve of seeking him out. Just as their cravings feel relief from using, your hurt and anger feels relieved from directing it somewhat to the person who caused it.

So you've reached out. The deed is done, in the past, you can't change it. Why rake yourself over the coals for something you can no longer do anything about? Instead it could be a good learning opportunity. Now you know what happens when you reach out, and can use that information to help you make future choices.

You're going through a lot of pain and trauma right now. It's going to come and go in waves. I just joined my AH today for a meeting at his rehab center between the addicts at the facility and their families. After a presentation about the physiological nature of addiction, we split up the group into the addicts and their families, and talked separately. It was a really helpful meeting, because just like on here, there are so many connections between our different, but similar traumas. Something one of them women there said that I think you'll find helpful is "I learned I needed to be more gentle with myself, which also enabled me to be more gentle with him." - her Q- You need to be gentle with yourself in this. Tomorrow is another day. You may feel a bit worse, but you may also feel a bit better. You've made it through nearly a month, and you'll make it through more. You've got this.

sage1969

This journey is a grieving process. We're grieving so many things, who we thought they were, who we thought we were, dreams and realities we're letting go of -- we go through the same steps as if we're grieving a death, not always in order, and sometimes we circle back and go through it again.

Be gentle with yourself. You aren't making mistakes or getting it wrong. You're emerging from a chrysalis, you need to let your wings dry and become accustomed to flying.

OKRunner

Kaya, I did that a couple of times. Please don't feel bad about it. As said above, please be gentle with yourself. This is a very traumatizing experience.

For me, the first couple of weeks after the "last straw" (which in my case was just example X to the N of him making detailed plans with me and then just being a no show so he could drink alone on a Friday night) ... but for me the first couple of weeks after that "last straw" were relatively easy. I was just so mad. I didn't want to be disrespected one more time. It was easy to stay mad, go into crisis mode, delete him from my accounts, buy groceries, and try to survive.

But then, sometime around one month, when I realized that he was truly gone, and that he would never actually show up for me, and that all my hopes and dreams were not to be, I lost it. I broke down. I cried and cried and cried. I grieved the loss of us. Our hopes and dreams. Our future. I did break my no contact rule and sent a few texts, the same way an alcoholic might slip and have a drink. Please do not be hard on yourself. I wonder if you are going through something similar.

Looking back, for me (and I know everyone's situation is different, but for me), those last few texts were in a way helpful. Because his response was (surprise!) still not what I wanted. What I wanted to hear was, "Oh my god, ____ (name). I am so glad you texted. How did I lose you? You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm so sorry for all of the times I disrespected you. I have missed you so much. I am struggling with alcohol and I allowed that to interfere with our relationship. I'm on my way to rehab because I want to get better. I don't want to lose you. I'll come back for you when I'm out and I can treat you respectfully."

Lol. Instead I got something that I'm pretty sure was a few drinks (or bottles) in, such as "How the heck r u??? Long time no c." And although it was devastating it confirmed that it was just not to be.

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you everyone. I’m still very anxious but a friend of mine reminded me to try to stay as present in this moment as possible. It helped

edoering

I was basically given the span of three days to “process” my ah leaving. I’ve never been abandoned before so I honestly couldn’t even recognize it while it was happening. I was in too much shock. It’s been four and a half months now (ish) and I still am struggling with the feelings you are describing.

LifeRecovery

I am writing this, not to make it sound awful but to help to normalize the time.

My divorce was a number of waves of disconnect starting in the spring of 2010-January 2011. I read on a support sight for affairs that it took 2-5 years for healing. I found that to be pretty true. In 2010-2011 though what I needed was to see that it would take me time and I was not broken because it was turning out to be true. The first year was shock, sadness, disbelief, grief etc. I was on a pretty good roller coaster and went weeks to month at a time pretty normal then would struggle for an extended period.

Now in retrospect I am not grateful for the experience, but I am for the learning. My only word of advice is that questioning my sanity and beating myself up because of how I was feeling just added to my challenges.

honeypig

For me, things tended to get more painful after a while b/c I was less angry. Anger is my go-to emotion; I've learned that it can be a cover for fear, sadness, pain, and a host of other emotions that I find more difficult to deal with. Once the anger began to burn out, I was left to deal with what was really there, and it often felt way worse than my old friend, anger.

This isn't directly related to one emotion masking another, but it is all about how we understand things differently as time goes on. Maybe you'll find something useful there:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-learning.html (Spirals of Learning)

Eauchiche

I remember that first summer so well. I had requested a meeting with my ex to discuss the issues, which never happened. I had made a stupid move and called a sister in law about an intervention, who promptly reported the call to my ex.

I didn't get the concept yet that alcohol occupied a more important place in the universe than I did. I was naïve about the family systems that build up around alcoholism.

Today I look at alcoholism as a form of idolatry.

LifeRecovery

During this time I heard a saying that I had to repeat to myself at least 20 times a day. It also took me months to truly understand why.

No contact = No new hurts

PeacefulWater12

I would liken it to when a drinker has been quit for a while, generally the physical cravings stop after about a week. Then if they take one drink, boom the cravings are back in abundance and over powering.

I think our body chemistry is like that with our version of a drink which is the alcoholic. The contact starts it all off again. Also often the contact will be hurtful which will produce even more emotions stirring us up.

All peace in our body gone.

HardLessons

I think in general, after we spend intense years of time in a destructive relationship with an addict, once that relationship ends (regardless of how it ends) it will probably take a lot of time before you will feel better & stable. A few weeks or even a few months is not realistic. It certainly wasnt in my case. You will have a lot of ups & downs.

The one & only time I reached out to her was like a year later June of 2018. In a weak moment I texted her two words "your stubborn". She immediately texted back and said "no your stubborn". Well that kicked off a whole big thing. I ended up actually meeting with her. & that was the last time I have ever seen her in person. I should not have texted her. It wasnt good for me & honestly wasnt fair to her either. I dont reach for the phone ever anymore even if I think about sending her a text or call.

NewHeart

I struggled with feelings of guilt because once I opened up to others about the nature of my relationship with my XABF so many people were shocked and said I had to leave for my future. I went to his place and broke up with him. We had so many plans for this summer and that night we were planning to hang our with friends.

I broke no contact several times because of the guilt. I feel guilty even now for breaking it so abruptly and I feel guilty about contacting him again afterwards trying to remain friends but the hurt was so bad I told him we had to stop. I wish he had been belligerent or that it hadnt felt so good to be with him when I reconnected. I wish I saw something so ugly I couldnt stand ir and was over him but instead I heard that he missed me and pined for me too. But I know he has an addiction. We have no financial future and whatever future we were planning was in Mexico where I would have to give up my family and career and as we progressed he wanted to have children. I just could not bring children into the world with an alcoholic father and I wondered why I was so willing to throw my future away.

Is it normal to have so much guilt over going no contact?

sage1969

I think it's normal to have "guilt," because our codepency is shouting in the background, trying to get us to pay attention.

NewHeart

Thanks for saying that it reminds me of an addiction counselor who talked about the monsters in our head when it comes to picking up another drink as in...just one more...it's my last time. Guilt is one of my monsters in my head but it is not reality

sage1969

To be honest, I've been feeling some guilt over going no contact these last few days. I know I need to remain no contact. XABF started messaging this week that he wanted to talk, but hasn't actually committed to talking about any of it, even messaging yesterday to let me know he wanted to communicate but he was getting ready for the weekend so couldn't.

WTF? How does that make any sense?

Where the guilt comes in is in my codependent brain I hear that he's trying to communicate, don't shut him out . . .

And the rest of me is thinking, there's so many times in the last 3 weeks he could've set a time to talk, in the last 6 weeks since he's seen me, so what's one more weekend? Or the week after that? He will never address the real problem. So I know to not feel guilty because I know what I need is for him to be clean and sober for at least a year, I don't think he can, and I'm not even certain I'd like that man.

So, no guilt. I choose to live.

NewHeart

Sage1969.

It is about the larger picture and choosing a better life. Not about being nice in each small interaction

trailmix

I guess to him it does. To anyone outside of his head, it doesn't. Well maybe to his drinking buddies.

His treatment of you is truly appalling. He wants to drink, this weekend and next. He possibly doesn't want to let you go, just it's really inconvenient when you want him to give up that drink.

I don't see it happening do you? Yes, please toss aside the guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty for.