Not doing good
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 9
Not doing good
Guys,
I'm trying, I really am, but...
Two weeks ago, my ABF (XABF???) appeared at my place again, drunk, homeless, desperate. I've been just reading the book Beyond the influence, which excellently explains the neurophysiological basics of alcoholism, states that the alcoholic is basically an innocent victim of his physiology and that if he wants to abstain, his loved ones should NEVER give up on him.
Well, I just pitied him at the moment and let him crash on the couch. When he sobered up a little I asked him about sobriety and if he wants to try rehab again. He absolutely agreed with rehab, even after realizing it won't be the private one, but one with the hardest regime in the country. He said he's willing to go through anything to stay sober. And so we went. I spent four hours walking him around the rehab, because his blood alcohol concetration was too high to allow him being admitted to detox. I was worried he's gonna collapse, because he was already in withdrawal, but somehow we managed. He stayed and I went home, where I promptly ate everything I found and am still continuing in this 'coping mechanism' - with some small pauses.
He calls me every other day, feeling much better, adamant to stay for the whole three months and than continue with individual therapy and AA. I told him that I can't deal with any more hope and love right now, that I am glad to help him getting sober, but I want to be just friends now. No such luck, he keeps telling me how much he loves me, how important I am for him, how we will build our life together... It hurts so much. I hate how much I miss him, how much I miss his daughters and how I still hope that everything will come out all right.
I went on holiday this week, trying to do something only for myself - wellness stay in a spa town. I nearly went crazy missing my "step family", and didn't enjoy it much at all. I am such a lost cause. The last two days I spent in my hotel room eating. Excellent idea, really. I am glad I'm going home.
I have a therapy session on Wednesday, I will go to work, I will exercise and try to eat healthy, but I am just so sad all the time...
Not great at this self-care business at all, it seems
Hope you do much better!
Susan
I'm trying, I really am, but...
Two weeks ago, my ABF (XABF???) appeared at my place again, drunk, homeless, desperate. I've been just reading the book Beyond the influence, which excellently explains the neurophysiological basics of alcoholism, states that the alcoholic is basically an innocent victim of his physiology and that if he wants to abstain, his loved ones should NEVER give up on him.
Well, I just pitied him at the moment and let him crash on the couch. When he sobered up a little I asked him about sobriety and if he wants to try rehab again. He absolutely agreed with rehab, even after realizing it won't be the private one, but one with the hardest regime in the country. He said he's willing to go through anything to stay sober. And so we went. I spent four hours walking him around the rehab, because his blood alcohol concetration was too high to allow him being admitted to detox. I was worried he's gonna collapse, because he was already in withdrawal, but somehow we managed. He stayed and I went home, where I promptly ate everything I found and am still continuing in this 'coping mechanism' - with some small pauses.
He calls me every other day, feeling much better, adamant to stay for the whole three months and than continue with individual therapy and AA. I told him that I can't deal with any more hope and love right now, that I am glad to help him getting sober, but I want to be just friends now. No such luck, he keeps telling me how much he loves me, how important I am for him, how we will build our life together... It hurts so much. I hate how much I miss him, how much I miss his daughters and how I still hope that everything will come out all right.
I went on holiday this week, trying to do something only for myself - wellness stay in a spa town. I nearly went crazy missing my "step family", and didn't enjoy it much at all. I am such a lost cause. The last two days I spent in my hotel room eating. Excellent idea, really. I am glad I'm going home.
I have a therapy session on Wednesday, I will go to work, I will exercise and try to eat healthy, but I am just so sad all the time...
Not great at this self-care business at all, it seems
Hope you do much better!
Susan
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Susan.....I think it was a very compassionate thing to get him to detox and make sure that he was safely admitted. I also think that you are doing the MOST loving action to pull away from him, at this point. Allowing him to hold on to you, at this point, I think, would be tantamount to enabling him.
You cannot "help" him to get sober and stay sober. His alcoholism has nothing to do with you---it is all about what is within him. If he is "leaning" on you---he will not be taking his issues to the other AA members and the counselors and professionals who have the objectivity to deal with him. You can never--never--be objective enough to do that because you are too emotionally involved with him. In addition, he will only use you to blame if he should relapse
He is not available to his own self, at this point, and cannot be available to love you and bear up to the responsibilities of a healthy partnership for anyone else. This is one reason that it is suggested, in recovery circles that one not engage in intimate romantic relationships during the first year of sobriety, at least.
(I do realize that this is not a New relationship with you---but, it does sound that it has been broken, so to speak.
There is nothing that brings all of one's issues to the surface like a romantic/intimate realtionship---and,for an alcoholic, this, almost always leads to a relapse---andm heartbreak for the partner.
I know that this must be incredibly painful for you, right now---how could it not?
I think you are doing the right thing---and, sometimes that is the hardest thing.
Don't be so critical of yourself.
Back to the salads, for you. (wink).
You cannot "help" him to get sober and stay sober. His alcoholism has nothing to do with you---it is all about what is within him. If he is "leaning" on you---he will not be taking his issues to the other AA members and the counselors and professionals who have the objectivity to deal with him. You can never--never--be objective enough to do that because you are too emotionally involved with him. In addition, he will only use you to blame if he should relapse
He is not available to his own self, at this point, and cannot be available to love you and bear up to the responsibilities of a healthy partnership for anyone else. This is one reason that it is suggested, in recovery circles that one not engage in intimate romantic relationships during the first year of sobriety, at least.
(I do realize that this is not a New relationship with you---but, it does sound that it has been broken, so to speak.
There is nothing that brings all of one's issues to the surface like a romantic/intimate realtionship---and,for an alcoholic, this, almost always leads to a relapse---andm heartbreak for the partner.
I know that this must be incredibly painful for you, right now---how could it not?
I think you are doing the right thing---and, sometimes that is the hardest thing.
Don't be so critical of yourself.
Back to the salads, for you. (wink).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 3
I was in the same situation as your ex the first time I went to rehab. I was totally obsessed with getting back together with my ex. She would talk to me on the phone but refused to see me in person. I kept thinking if she would only see me in person and see that I was clean and sober, she would take me back. The thing is that I didn’t want to let go of the past. She was my number one enabler and was more obsessed with her than I was in love with her. She had actually become and addiction more than anything else. I know this because every time things didn’t go my way and I got stressed out, if I didn’t turn to drugs and alcohol I turned to her and tried to get back with her. I didn’t want to move forward with my life I kept holding on to the past. It took me nearly 5yrs before I finally began to move on and put together a year clean. Even then I wasn’t able to take responsibility for my life, but that’s a long story. I’m impressed by your willingness to make difficult decisions and take responsibility for your life. I hope no matter what happens everything works out for the best.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Gosh, Susan, all that sounds exhausting for you. I agree with Dandy that is best for you both is stepping back.
Take care of yourself and allow him the space to take care of himself (or not, is up to him).
You are doing so well to get through this, please don't criticise yourself. Sending best wishes.
Take care of yourself and allow him the space to take care of himself (or not, is up to him).
You are doing so well to get through this, please don't criticise yourself. Sending best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
It sounds like you need to reduce contact with him, possibly go no contact. How does he still have access to a phone every other day if this is the strictest rehab program in the country? Most don't even let them contact outside at all, but he's calling you every other day?
Of course he's feeling better, he's in a facility where he can't drink, is well fed, given medication, and removed from all the normal pressures outside. But listen to your own description of him. You say you aren't able to commit right now, that you need time to heal, and he doesn't accept that, so you just think "no such luck" and keep talking to him. He needs to respect you, and your boundaries, and you need to stand by them. When you say you don't want something, but then let him do it, what you're really saying is that you'll keep letting him do it. I know missing those connections with his kids and his companionship is really hard, but you've gotta decide on your own if you want to continue with him.
Think of your relationship with him in the long term: if you don't want to stay, but continue to do so because he won't let you leave and you'll miss his kids, how will that really feel? Would you be able to really commit to the relationship and enjoy it, or feel guilt and shame over not being strong enough to leave?
I'm not trying to say that you need to leave or that you need to stay. What I mean is that you need to decide what you want going forward, and create your boundaries with that in mind. If you really don't feel like you can stay, then think of boundaries that you can do to help you reach that goal. It's not controlling his actions, it's controlling your actions and responses. For the example of you just wanting to be friends, and he says no and keeps insisting he's in love: it's not about stopping him from saying those things, it's about how you respond to them. You need to tell him clearly that you do not want a romantic relationship, and if he wants to maintain contact with you he needs to respect that, or you will cut contact. Then you have to do that. It's not a boundary of you can't follow through. If he calls and won't stop trying to bowl over you and keep the conversation on getting back together, you hang up. Either he will get the idea, and stop pushing, or you will cut contact completely, and be free of his badgering.
My husband is doing this right now as well, and it's making me just as angry as it sounds like it's making you. He spent so long insisting that "he's not giving up on us" etc. But look at those comments for what they are. You aren't the one getting drunk, lying, hurting the people around you, and turning the home into a maelstrom of chaos. He is! Him always going back to insisting how you two can rebuild your life together is putting the onus on you completely. Now it's not him who ended the relationship! It's you! He wanted things to work, and was trying so hard, can't you see that? It's a load of crap.
Argh I suspect I'm projecting a bit here, but your situation sounds so similar to mine it's hard not to see the parallels. If you really want to stay, it's OK too. You have to make that decision for yourself. The point I was trying to make was that you need to make sure it's your decision. Staying because you don't feel able to say no is wrong. It would put you in such an unhappy, defensive mindset. If you really want to stay, then make a game plan for what is and isn't acceptable. Create those healthy boundaries that would foster a healthy relationship, and stick with them. Be honest with yourself about what is your hard limit and breaking points, and stick by them.
On the subject of that book, it sounds a lot like what my AH described his counselor as saying, and immediately irritates me. That mentality that you never give up leaves the door open for you to trap yourself in an unhealthy situation. Maybe they aren't fully in control of themselves. Maybe. But you know what? That doesn't matter at all. It doesn't change the fact that the sh*t they do and say to you is dishonest, painful, unfair, exhausting, and potentially harmful or deadly in extreme cases. Why should you have to stay in a situation where you have "two people", and you don't know which one you're getting? That book sounds like it was written by someone who hasn't been on the receiving end of a drunken screaming tirade, trapped in the house with someone who's completely unpredictable and unbalanced. Sure, if they are truly dedicated to recovery, they'll need your love, trust, and support. But they have to prove they're actually dedicated to recovering. And even if they are, that still doesn't mean you need to stay. You are not beholden to caring for his health and ensuring his recovery. He is. If you feel you need to leave, then that's all that matters. Normal relationships end all the time because one or both parties just don't feel like they want to stay in it. Now suddenly because your partner has a disease you have to stay by him no matter what? No matter what he's done to you, or how you feel? Bullsh*t.
I'm sorry you've been feeling so out of control with eating, I get that completely. I've struggled with fighting my own self consciousness about my weight, and flipped between binging on food, not eating enough food, exercising obsessively, lying around moping, etc for basically my whole life. What helped me the most in that front was to premake and schedule my meals. I try to avoid snacking at all costs, and eat smaller meals every 2-3 hours. This is partially to help my migraines, but the idea is to plan your food, and eat it at specific times. Having a regiment like that helps keep me on track a lot, and saves me from myself. You could also try getting so into a book or video game that you look up and realize the whole day has gone by and you should probably do other things. 😏 Don't beat yourself up though. You're dealing with a lot right now. Your therapist can help you find coping mechanisms that are healthier, and help change your relationship with food from being such a strong reward system.
I realize this rambled on for like 3 times the length of your post. 😅 Sorry! Your situation sticks out to me, and is hard not to see a lot of what I'm going through in it. Stay strong, you will get through this. If you'd like you can use the anger I've been channeling through this to tell your ABF to respect you properly. Keep us posted, we know your can do this.
Of course he's feeling better, he's in a facility where he can't drink, is well fed, given medication, and removed from all the normal pressures outside. But listen to your own description of him. You say you aren't able to commit right now, that you need time to heal, and he doesn't accept that, so you just think "no such luck" and keep talking to him. He needs to respect you, and your boundaries, and you need to stand by them. When you say you don't want something, but then let him do it, what you're really saying is that you'll keep letting him do it. I know missing those connections with his kids and his companionship is really hard, but you've gotta decide on your own if you want to continue with him.
Think of your relationship with him in the long term: if you don't want to stay, but continue to do so because he won't let you leave and you'll miss his kids, how will that really feel? Would you be able to really commit to the relationship and enjoy it, or feel guilt and shame over not being strong enough to leave?
I'm not trying to say that you need to leave or that you need to stay. What I mean is that you need to decide what you want going forward, and create your boundaries with that in mind. If you really don't feel like you can stay, then think of boundaries that you can do to help you reach that goal. It's not controlling his actions, it's controlling your actions and responses. For the example of you just wanting to be friends, and he says no and keeps insisting he's in love: it's not about stopping him from saying those things, it's about how you respond to them. You need to tell him clearly that you do not want a romantic relationship, and if he wants to maintain contact with you he needs to respect that, or you will cut contact. Then you have to do that. It's not a boundary of you can't follow through. If he calls and won't stop trying to bowl over you and keep the conversation on getting back together, you hang up. Either he will get the idea, and stop pushing, or you will cut contact completely, and be free of his badgering.
My husband is doing this right now as well, and it's making me just as angry as it sounds like it's making you. He spent so long insisting that "he's not giving up on us" etc. But look at those comments for what they are. You aren't the one getting drunk, lying, hurting the people around you, and turning the home into a maelstrom of chaos. He is! Him always going back to insisting how you two can rebuild your life together is putting the onus on you completely. Now it's not him who ended the relationship! It's you! He wanted things to work, and was trying so hard, can't you see that? It's a load of crap.
Argh I suspect I'm projecting a bit here, but your situation sounds so similar to mine it's hard not to see the parallels. If you really want to stay, it's OK too. You have to make that decision for yourself. The point I was trying to make was that you need to make sure it's your decision. Staying because you don't feel able to say no is wrong. It would put you in such an unhappy, defensive mindset. If you really want to stay, then make a game plan for what is and isn't acceptable. Create those healthy boundaries that would foster a healthy relationship, and stick with them. Be honest with yourself about what is your hard limit and breaking points, and stick by them.
On the subject of that book, it sounds a lot like what my AH described his counselor as saying, and immediately irritates me. That mentality that you never give up leaves the door open for you to trap yourself in an unhealthy situation. Maybe they aren't fully in control of themselves. Maybe. But you know what? That doesn't matter at all. It doesn't change the fact that the sh*t they do and say to you is dishonest, painful, unfair, exhausting, and potentially harmful or deadly in extreme cases. Why should you have to stay in a situation where you have "two people", and you don't know which one you're getting? That book sounds like it was written by someone who hasn't been on the receiving end of a drunken screaming tirade, trapped in the house with someone who's completely unpredictable and unbalanced. Sure, if they are truly dedicated to recovery, they'll need your love, trust, and support. But they have to prove they're actually dedicated to recovering. And even if they are, that still doesn't mean you need to stay. You are not beholden to caring for his health and ensuring his recovery. He is. If you feel you need to leave, then that's all that matters. Normal relationships end all the time because one or both parties just don't feel like they want to stay in it. Now suddenly because your partner has a disease you have to stay by him no matter what? No matter what he's done to you, or how you feel? Bullsh*t.
I'm sorry you've been feeling so out of control with eating, I get that completely. I've struggled with fighting my own self consciousness about my weight, and flipped between binging on food, not eating enough food, exercising obsessively, lying around moping, etc for basically my whole life. What helped me the most in that front was to premake and schedule my meals. I try to avoid snacking at all costs, and eat smaller meals every 2-3 hours. This is partially to help my migraines, but the idea is to plan your food, and eat it at specific times. Having a regiment like that helps keep me on track a lot, and saves me from myself. You could also try getting so into a book or video game that you look up and realize the whole day has gone by and you should probably do other things. 😏 Don't beat yourself up though. You're dealing with a lot right now. Your therapist can help you find coping mechanisms that are healthier, and help change your relationship with food from being such a strong reward system.
I realize this rambled on for like 3 times the length of your post. 😅 Sorry! Your situation sticks out to me, and is hard not to see a lot of what I'm going through in it. Stay strong, you will get through this. If you'd like you can use the anger I've been channeling through this to tell your ABF to respect you properly. Keep us posted, we know your can do this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by SusanWerewolf 
I've been just reading the book Beyond the influence, which excellently explains the neurophysiological basics of alcoholism, states that the alcoholic is basically an innocent victim of his physiology and that if he wants to abstain, his loved ones should NEVER give up on him.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Cookie raises some good points. He is getting all this help, you are left feeling in a dreadful state. You have no chance of peace and quiet and recovering yourself because of his manipulative phone calls. I am surprised a rehab allows phone calls. He is harassing you with his stressful b/s.
Yeah, picking up on the comment from the book you mention, Susan, about loved ones never giving up on alcoholics. Um, ok but that is not to say we should allow alkie b/s and abuse to be hurled at us endlessly.
You can not give up on someone but care from afar. From a distance. We need to protect ourselves from the very real mental and physical damage of the stress of being near someone who behaves that way.
I wonder if that book was written by an alcoholic!! They are not poor little victims, there is an enormous amount of help out there once they are ready to accept it. They often act like victims and feel they are but they are not.
I hope you find some peace for yourself.
Yeah, picking up on the comment from the book you mention, Susan, about loved ones never giving up on alcoholics. Um, ok but that is not to say we should allow alkie b/s and abuse to be hurled at us endlessly.
You can not give up on someone but care from afar. From a distance. We need to protect ourselves from the very real mental and physical damage of the stress of being near someone who behaves that way.
I wonder if that book was written by an alcoholic!! They are not poor little victims, there is an enormous amount of help out there once they are ready to accept it. They often act like victims and feel they are but they are not.
I hope you find some peace for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Susan, you wrote this about a year ago:
Has anything changed? Doesn't seem to have, except he is now in his seventh treatment facility. Of course he has little control over it. That's why people seek help, from professionals, from AA, from therapy. He has to seek that help.
No, you don't have to "give up" on him, or even stop having love for him, but you certainly don't need to sacrifice your life to him. What possible good would that do you or him or his children? None. He may well start drinking again (as history shows), you and the kids get to be heartbroken and devastated again. How is this helping anyone?
You can care from a distance. Does it say anything in that book about destroying your life and others in the process? I doubt it. I'm sure it's helpful to understand all the intricacies of alcoholism for someone in recovery or someone who lives with someone in recovery (I only read the sample), but your ex is not that person.
If we accept alcoholism as a mental disorder (like bulimia) can you help him with that? Can he assist you with your eating disorder or are both these things well out of the realm of your expertise? Even if you were a trained psychologist, can you make him stop drinking? No. That's not your job, that's his job, his alone, by reaching out for help, by truly surrendering to this and doing whatever it takes to recover. He is no where near that and you can't make him be.
I hope that has a ring of truth for you as you seem to be beating yourself up about something you have no control over.
I met my alcoholic some five months ago and fell head over heels for him. He's eighteen years older than me, twice divorced and has two daughters. He's been having drinking problems for some eight years and has a history of crack abuse as well (some twenty years ago). He's been in a treatment facility some six times, always managed to stay sober for some time, but then always started drinking again. He says it feels like he has no control over it, like it's an another person who takes over him and he's then left to pick up the pieces when he manages to get sober.
No, you don't have to "give up" on him, or even stop having love for him, but you certainly don't need to sacrifice your life to him. What possible good would that do you or him or his children? None. He may well start drinking again (as history shows), you and the kids get to be heartbroken and devastated again. How is this helping anyone?
You can care from a distance. Does it say anything in that book about destroying your life and others in the process? I doubt it. I'm sure it's helpful to understand all the intricacies of alcoholism for someone in recovery or someone who lives with someone in recovery (I only read the sample), but your ex is not that person.
If we accept alcoholism as a mental disorder (like bulimia) can you help him with that? Can he assist you with your eating disorder or are both these things well out of the realm of your expertise? Even if you were a trained psychologist, can you make him stop drinking? No. That's not your job, that's his job, his alone, by reaching out for help, by truly surrendering to this and doing whatever it takes to recover. He is no where near that and you can't make him be.
I hope that has a ring of truth for you as you seem to be beating yourself up about something you have no control over.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Susan
I TOTALLY get everything you are saying. TOTALLY.
My ex and I have been separated almost 7-1/2 years. Even now, I have to fight the urge to look back on occasion.
Back then, I was drinking too and we were together. It was a very safe-feeling rabbit hole. Of course, I was in a downward spiral and would probably be dead by now.
We got drunk every day. When stresses came, as they do in life, we drank more. And we had each other.
Going back to my ex sober would be impossible. We talk and see each other occasionally, but I have to go before "happy hour" starts. When I am there, I realize I why I was only able to live there drunk.
My own sobriety is one of the highest priorities in my life today, and I am willing to lose a lot to maintain it.
I am in the middle of a very stressful situation this past week, and am forced to deal with it without "anesthesia." And, I live alone. I do not have anyone to come home to for support. I am trying to discern the proper course of action to fix the stresses, including possibly leaving a position I currently hold. Living life on life's terms can be very challenging!
Could having your ex around be a way you have coped with life's stresses too? This might be worth considering.
I TOTALLY get everything you are saying. TOTALLY.
My ex and I have been separated almost 7-1/2 years. Even now, I have to fight the urge to look back on occasion.
Back then, I was drinking too and we were together. It was a very safe-feeling rabbit hole. Of course, I was in a downward spiral and would probably be dead by now.
We got drunk every day. When stresses came, as they do in life, we drank more. And we had each other.
Going back to my ex sober would be impossible. We talk and see each other occasionally, but I have to go before "happy hour" starts. When I am there, I realize I why I was only able to live there drunk.
My own sobriety is one of the highest priorities in my life today, and I am willing to lose a lot to maintain it.
I am in the middle of a very stressful situation this past week, and am forced to deal with it without "anesthesia." And, I live alone. I do not have anyone to come home to for support. I am trying to discern the proper course of action to fix the stresses, including possibly leaving a position I currently hold. Living life on life's terms can be very challenging!
Could having your ex around be a way you have coped with life's stresses too? This might be worth considering.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 9
Thank you all so much for your support and insight, I really need it at the moment. Well, as you might suspect, I am not really sure what I want. Do I want his love? Yes. Do I want him lying on my couch drunk? Hell no! Is it possible right now to separate these two things? I don't think so. Do I need some calm? Yes please!
Cookie, I heeded your advice and was fully prepared to tell him that I need some distance, basically that I wanna be just friends at the moment and that I need him to respect it. As to him calling every other day - I guess we do not have such strict rehab rules here in the Czech Republic... So, here I am, prepared to start telling him off... And before I have the chance, he starts to apologize for how selfish he'd been, not realizing he's got all the support of the rehab and yet still burdening me, who fights her addiction alone, and that he will try not to pressure me with all that relationship business and will focus more on the treatment and also tell me more about his progress and not about his love for me. I told him that's exactly what I wanted to discuss, suggested my status of his friend (he wasn't happy, but agreed) and apologized again for making me feel responsible for his sobriety. So... yay! I feel somewhat better.
As for Beyond the Influence, you are right, it doesn't really deal with the havoc the alcoholic brings into their loved one's lives. I think it just resonates with me because my ABF's parents washed their hands off him and I just can't forgive them for transfering all the responsibility to me. I know, it's no-one's responsibility to take care of him, but my parents would never do that, even if I was a raging crack addict (goes in the family, I suppose).
Actually, he helped a lot with my bulimia, when he was not drinking, obviously. He cooked, we talked a lot about it, he did wonders for my body image and he always motivated me. My longest clean streaks were always connected to his, which is maybe another reason I find it so hard to let go.
It's tough, but you are a great help. I want to get better so much, but this day was kinda hellish also. At least I cleaned the cat toilets 😀 Small victories.
Take care,
Susan
Cookie, I heeded your advice and was fully prepared to tell him that I need some distance, basically that I wanna be just friends at the moment and that I need him to respect it. As to him calling every other day - I guess we do not have such strict rehab rules here in the Czech Republic... So, here I am, prepared to start telling him off... And before I have the chance, he starts to apologize for how selfish he'd been, not realizing he's got all the support of the rehab and yet still burdening me, who fights her addiction alone, and that he will try not to pressure me with all that relationship business and will focus more on the treatment and also tell me more about his progress and not about his love for me. I told him that's exactly what I wanted to discuss, suggested my status of his friend (he wasn't happy, but agreed) and apologized again for making me feel responsible for his sobriety. So... yay! I feel somewhat better.
As for Beyond the Influence, you are right, it doesn't really deal with the havoc the alcoholic brings into their loved one's lives. I think it just resonates with me because my ABF's parents washed their hands off him and I just can't forgive them for transfering all the responsibility to me. I know, it's no-one's responsibility to take care of him, but my parents would never do that, even if I was a raging crack addict (goes in the family, I suppose).
Actually, he helped a lot with my bulimia, when he was not drinking, obviously. He cooked, we talked a lot about it, he did wonders for my body image and he always motivated me. My longest clean streaks were always connected to his, which is maybe another reason I find it so hard to let go.
It's tough, but you are a great help. I want to get better so much, but this day was kinda hellish also. At least I cleaned the cat toilets 😀 Small victories.
Take care,
Susan
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by SusanWerewolf
Is it possible right now to separate these two things? I don't think so
not realizing he's got all the support of the rehab and yet still burdening me, who fights her addiction alone, and that he will try not to pressure me with all that relationship business
As for Beyond the Influence, you are right, it doesn't really deal with the havoc the alcoholic brings into their loved one's lives. I think it just resonates with me because my ABF's parents washed their hands off him and I just can't forgive them for transfering all the responsibility to me. I know, it's no-one's responsibility to take care of him, but my parents would never do that, even if I was a raging crack addict (goes in the family, I suppose).
Rather than reading books about alcoholism, maybe it would be time better spent focusing on yourself. Have you read Codependent no more? Do you work on boundaries? Do you any support at all? Support groups (free), therapy, Al anon?
Actually, he helped a lot with my bulimia, when he was not drinking, obviously. He cooked, we talked a lot about it, he did wonders for my body image and he always motivated me. My longest clean streaks were always connected to his, which is maybe another reason I find it so hard to let go.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Susan.....from what you have shared, I believe I see you being drawn into a trap. Sort of llike the sweet donkey that is following the carrot.
Do read "Co-dependent No More"...it is an easy read and the most recommended book on this forum. It will resonate with you, a lot, I think.
Have you been reading around this forum for very long? If so--have you read any of the hundreds of excellent articles in our "library" of excellent articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones? (I am not talking about the actual threads).
On the actual threads--of which we have several thousand stories---do you know how to read all of the threads on a single person---from their first thread to the present time?
If not--let me know and I will help you.
There is sooo much to know.
Knowledge is power.
Do read "Co-dependent No More"...it is an easy read and the most recommended book on this forum. It will resonate with you, a lot, I think.
Have you been reading around this forum for very long? If so--have you read any of the hundreds of excellent articles in our "library" of excellent articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones? (I am not talking about the actual threads).
On the actual threads--of which we have several thousand stories---do you know how to read all of the threads on a single person---from their first thread to the present time?
If not--let me know and I will help you.
There is sooo much to know.
Knowledge is power.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
I went through something similar with my AXBF when I read an article about how compassion and empathy and never giving up can help an alcoholic. (This was last fall.) I had been no contact but then reading that article (written from the perspective of what is in the Q's best interest, not the interests of the co-dependent partner) sent me into full "compassion and empathy" mode. I contacted him, propped him up, told him he was amazing, that he can do it. I didn't get anything in return. (Yes, I know I'm not supposed to expect anything in return and I also know that I need to give my love freely.). That said/regardless, I felt even worse than I did before. It was just him and the bottle and me being blown off. Someone said something to me when I shared about this -- something like, "If you are more invested in getting him in to recovery than he is, that likely is not going to work."
I think that the compassion/empathy/never give up literature can be helpful in situations in which the partner/friend/family of the Q has zero (or less than zero) codependent traits or behavior. But if you take a person like me who gets sucked in too easily and who feels guilty when she is not helping (translated: not controlling), and then you read literature talking about how being compassionate can help the Q ... it was (at least for me) a recipe for disaster.
I think that the compassion/empathy/never give up literature can be helpful in situations in which the partner/friend/family of the Q has zero (or less than zero) codependent traits or behavior. But if you take a person like me who gets sucked in too easily and who feels guilty when she is not helping (translated: not controlling), and then you read literature talking about how being compassionate can help the Q ... it was (at least for me) a recipe for disaster.
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