That trauma influenced her search for a male partner the rest of her life.
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
That trauma influenced her search for a male partner the rest of her life.
Dears:
My friend sent Youtube links of the great songs, one of the singers, I looked up. In her biography, said that her father's drastis change and violence triggered his early death and this event led her search for a male partner the rest of her life.
Its so sad to read like this.
But. my father was not alcholic or violent, he was humble man with pure heart for us. He was in military, he was away from home when I just a little I remember. I have no memory of my dad took us somewhere nice until he was retired, he took me and my younger sister to the movie and lunch.
But I always wonder while my dad sacrifaced his life for us, yet, why I ended up with as a Loser in my adult life..... and also in the mode of search for a male partner the rest of my life.
Thank you
https/en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dalida
My friend sent Youtube links of the great songs, one of the singers, I looked up. In her biography, said that her father's drastis change and violence triggered his early death and this event led her search for a male partner the rest of her life.
Its so sad to read like this.
But. my father was not alcholic or violent, he was humble man with pure heart for us. He was in military, he was away from home when I just a little I remember. I have no memory of my dad took us somewhere nice until he was retired, he took me and my younger sister to the movie and lunch.
But I always wonder while my dad sacrifaced his life for us, yet, why I ended up with as a Loser in my adult life..... and also in the mode of search for a male partner the rest of my life.
Thank you
https/en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dalida
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Eh, a lot of people blame their families of origin for this or that, in some cases it may be true. I wrestle with anxiety and depression. My home life was not far off from a "Leave it to Beaver" scenario, so I wonder, maybe the anxiety and depression was just me born that way? Dad's drinking a lot and it never being addressed maybe normalized a lot of drinking. I guess it points out how subtle and nefarious the whole thing is: I only *saw* my dad drunk maybe a couple times in my whole life that I remember. He had an OUI that resulted in a fatality, but I was almost 40 when that happened.
I wish I had had more guidance about dating (or potentially dating, since I was not popular in high school) Maybe if I had more experience I would have seen the red flags? Maybe my parents should have been clairvoyant and noticed / understood my lack of self esteem? It wasn't as if I acted out or got in trouble. Aside from not dating (when my younger sister had a new boyfriend every other month) what did they have to go on? They could have inferred I was more picky about dates. With some of the guys Sis brought home, not an absurd conclusion.
I wish I had had more guidance about dating (or potentially dating, since I was not popular in high school) Maybe if I had more experience I would have seen the red flags? Maybe my parents should have been clairvoyant and noticed / understood my lack of self esteem? It wasn't as if I acted out or got in trouble. Aside from not dating (when my younger sister had a new boyfriend every other month) what did they have to go on? They could have inferred I was more picky about dates. With some of the guys Sis brought home, not an absurd conclusion.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Enkbaa,
We learn from everyone around us when we are young . . . my parents divorced when I was very small, so even though my dad was not in the house, he was in the house, because my mom was unable to let go of the codpendency and her own emotions and stories. My mom struggles with this even today.
It's a good reminder to me to work on my stuff, so that I can heal unhealthy patterns, for me and my children. Because it kinda comes down to that: I can't change what happened around me as a small child but I can make good choices now and heal the things that need healing to make my life better now and better in the future.
We learn from everyone around us when we are young . . . my parents divorced when I was very small, so even though my dad was not in the house, he was in the house, because my mom was unable to let go of the codpendency and her own emotions and stories. My mom struggles with this even today.
It's a good reminder to me to work on my stuff, so that I can heal unhealthy patterns, for me and my children. Because it kinda comes down to that: I can't change what happened around me as a small child but I can make good choices now and heal the things that need healing to make my life better now and better in the future.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
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I think stuff happens to us but it is up to us to work to recover from it and gain an healthier outlook on life.
There are so many resources now to help us. I think it can stop with us. If we recover we don't pass that burden on.
There are so many resources now to help us. I think it can stop with us. If we recover we don't pass that burden on.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 334
There is a book a friend of mine found very helpful, “Longing for Dad - Father Loss and Its Impact.” Even if a father cared, being physically or emotionally absent affects children in many ways.
it’s up to you now to decide what you want to do about it moving forward, and who you want to be.
it’s up to you now to decide what you want to do about it moving forward, and who you want to be.
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
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Dear Edoering,
Thanks for your respond with confirmation and book link, as if I were waiting for, I really appreciate. For a very long time, I always blamed mysefl, I never knew to blame my parents or environments but recently, I just realzied there were fundamental defect with my upbringing and home environment before I never considered it since my parents were hard working, humble and non drinkers and yet physically and emotionally were absent when I was very little.
Thanks Edoering again...
Thanks for your respond with confirmation and book link, as if I were waiting for, I really appreciate. For a very long time, I always blamed mysefl, I never knew to blame my parents or environments but recently, I just realzied there were fundamental defect with my upbringing and home environment before I never considered it since my parents were hard working, humble and non drinkers and yet physically and emotionally were absent when I was very little.
Thanks Edoering again...
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12 
I think stuff happens to us but it is up to us to work to recover from it and gain an healthier outlook on life.
There are so many resources now to help us. I think it can stop with us. If we recover we don't pass that burden on.
There are so many resources now to help us. I think it can stop with us. If we recover we don't pass that burden on.
And again, the part about how it's up to us to do the work is so important. It's on ME to heal, gain insights, and above all, USE what I've learned to make changes. My XAH's mother had issues w/her weight all her life and would often talk about the insights she'd gained into why she overate. But--the big but--she never took any action based on that knowledge. Her son followed in those steps, I'm sorry to say. He can recite chapter and verse from the AA Big Book, can talk the talk like nobody's business, but never put any of it into action. The final straw in converting our separation into a divorce was his confession to me that he'd never, not even once, reached out for help when he wanted to drink; he just drank. I finally realized that it was (and always had been) all about giving the appearance of making an effort rather than really making that effort.
Regarding the final statement from PW, "I think it can stop with us. If we recover, we don't pass that burden on", I want to say this: A few years ago, XAH's mother died. I attended the funeral, as after all, he and I had been married for 19 years and it seemed the right thing to do. In that room I saw the price of generations of addiction in that family--XAH's father was an A, his mother had the food issues, one of his sisters hasn't worked in decades due to disability (questionable, in my mind), another sister and her husband also have food issues, another sister has been in a number of abusive relationships w/men, a niece is type 2 diabetic while only in her early 20s due to her food issues, another niece has lost a bunch of teeth due to meth. And in the room were 2 babies...
I have resources that prior generations couldn't even dream of. I have more and better tools than anyone else has had. I have instant access to information and support. It's up to me to bring the honest desire to change. If I do that, all the rest will fall into line.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by honeypig
This whole quote is important and, I think, so very true. However, I especially want to emphasize the part about how many resources we have now. Back when I attended Alanon regularly, I remember feeling annoyed when time was taken at the start of the meeting to read a list of upcoming meetings and their dates and times. "Can we just get on with the meeting?!" I'd think in frustration. "There's no need for this crap; everyone here is perfectly capable of looking up meetings at the local website!" But one day it struck me--this used to be the ONLY WAY people could learn about other meetings. There was a time when assistance WASN'T easily accessible. I mean, look at how many of us didn't realize our situations were really unhealthy and unacceptable even though we obviously have easy, reliable internet access and can find information on any topic under the sun. It made me mighty grateful to be going through this now rather than in 1940, when there WAS no Alanon (or actually ANY organized support for family and friends of alcoholics), let alone internet forums.
And again, the part about how it's up to us to do the work is so important. It's on ME to heal, gain insights, and above all, USE what I've learned to make changes. My XAH's mother had issues w/her weight all her life and would often talk about the insights she'd gained into why she overate. But--the big but--she never took any action based on that knowledge. Her son followed in those steps, I'm sorry to say. He can recite chapter and verse from the AA Big Book, can talk the talk like nobody's business, but never put any of it into action. The final straw in converting our separation into a divorce was his confession to me that he'd never, not even once, reached out for help when he wanted to drink; he just drank. I finally realized that it was (and always had been) all about giving the appearance of making an effort rather than really making that effort.
Regarding the final statement from PW, "I think it can stop with us. If we recover, we don't pass that burden on", I want to say this: A few years ago, XAH's mother died. I attended the funeral, as after all, he and I had been married for 19 years and it seemed the right thing to do. In that room I saw the price of generations of addiction in that family--XAH's father was an A, his mother had the food issues, one of his sisters hasn't worked in decades due to disability (questionable, in my mind), another sister and her husband also have food issues, another sister has been in a number of abusive relationships w/men, a niece is type 2 diabetic while only in her early 20s due to her food issues, another niece has lost a bunch of teeth due to meth. And in the room were 2 babies...
I have resources that prior generations couldn't even dream of. I have more and better tools than anyone else has had. I have instant access to information and support. It's up to me to bring the honest desire to change. If I do that, all the rest will fall into line.
And again, the part about how it's up to us to do the work is so important. It's on ME to heal, gain insights, and above all, USE what I've learned to make changes. My XAH's mother had issues w/her weight all her life and would often talk about the insights she'd gained into why she overate. But--the big but--she never took any action based on that knowledge. Her son followed in those steps, I'm sorry to say. He can recite chapter and verse from the AA Big Book, can talk the talk like nobody's business, but never put any of it into action. The final straw in converting our separation into a divorce was his confession to me that he'd never, not even once, reached out for help when he wanted to drink; he just drank. I finally realized that it was (and always had been) all about giving the appearance of making an effort rather than really making that effort.
Regarding the final statement from PW, "I think it can stop with us. If we recover, we don't pass that burden on", I want to say this: A few years ago, XAH's mother died. I attended the funeral, as after all, he and I had been married for 19 years and it seemed the right thing to do. In that room I saw the price of generations of addiction in that family--XAH's father was an A, his mother had the food issues, one of his sisters hasn't worked in decades due to disability (questionable, in my mind), another sister and her husband also have food issues, another sister has been in a number of abusive relationships w/men, a niece is type 2 diabetic while only in her early 20s due to her food issues, another niece has lost a bunch of teeth due to meth. And in the room were 2 babies...
I have resources that prior generations couldn't even dream of. I have more and better tools than anyone else has had. I have instant access to information and support. It's up to me to bring the honest desire to change. If I do that, all the rest will fall into line.
Your Al-anon experience is similar to mine, the information having to literally be read out at meetings.
I discovered the meeting I went to from seeing a poster on the wall in an "hippy" type shop that had a notice board full of alternative lifestyle type stuff. It was all considered at bit weird at the time.
Being in England too, we were way behind America.
Now there is so much. My latest source I joyfully came across is TikTok. Now I had thought Tiktok was for teenagers who like doing dances and talking cats videos.
No, there is massive amount on there about recovery work, self development, personal growth, how to cope with emotions, how to get over toxic relationships etc. It is a true gift. Also once it sees what you are interested in, it will offer up similar. Each clip is 1 to 3 mins long so is perfect to take in. My attention span is not great at the moment.
All for free which is beyond a gift.
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