Just needing to hear it will be ok
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Just needing to hear it will be ok
Good Morning guys... I kind of had a big break through last night. I had been feeling depressed all day yesterday and then at night I got an email from my step dad. I run my step dad and my moms vacation rental for them and he sent me an email in regards to that and at the end he said "Reach out if you need anything".... It felt angry reading that. I am now 3 weeks into what will eventually be a blessing....but I call it dooms day in a sense... I realized that growing up I was always pushed aside. If I wasn't in a perfect and good mood my mom and step dad made me feel like I was "something to deal with"... yet anytime they needed me I felt like I was expected to show up and show out. Like when my stepdad left my mom and I was only 18 my mom told me she was suicidal so I dropped out of college and moved 45 mins away to stay with her. And when she was in the hospital the last 4 years I was there at least 20 hours a week...literally trying to run my company from a hospital room. Yet when I was 16 and raped and told her a year later cause I was too ashamed to tell anyone when it happened her response was "I wish you would have told me sooner... there isn't much we can do now"... never got me into therapy... Or when I miscarried twins at 4 months pregnant and had to go into labor she never even came to my house once to check on me and she lives 25 min away..... so I wrote this to my step dad....
As far as reaching out to talk. I don’t really have it in me to reach out. If you want to check up on me from time to time I’d appreciate that. This is a divorce and it is life changing… there are days I think to myself if I died in my sleep no one would even notice. So no I’m not doing that good. Mom has reached out once through text and that’s it. It hurts that after how much I was there for her especially in the beginning when she was in the hospital all the time (we all were) that she can’t ask me how I am… I’m going through a lot of resentments with stuff and I actually feel very alone in all of this. My family is gone. Like literally ******* gone. Sorry to cuss but in a 24 hour period my step kids and husband left and now live across the country. Devastating doesn’t cover it. So of course I’m not ok. Not even close to ok. I have days where I am. I’m still making it to the gym most days and powering through for work. But last night I woke up and forgot that he left for a minute and cried until I threw up from 2-4 am. I have therapy Friday with my regular therapist. I’m in an online Alanon group. I’m journaling. I’m doing all the things I should be doing but the pain of being completely abandoned will be here for a very long time. I felt like when I was at your house mom was very disinterested in the fact that I’m going through a Divorce… she even said “you can’t just sit still today can you”…. No mom my husband just left me. How would she feel if you just left her and gave her 1 hour notice. I’m not a Pilar of strength all the time. Sorry for venting but it really hurts. I just need someone to tell me it’s going to be ok. I wish mom could care more about me.
It felt relieving to say how I really felt instead of tip towing around it
As far as reaching out to talk. I don’t really have it in me to reach out. If you want to check up on me from time to time I’d appreciate that. This is a divorce and it is life changing… there are days I think to myself if I died in my sleep no one would even notice. So no I’m not doing that good. Mom has reached out once through text and that’s it. It hurts that after how much I was there for her especially in the beginning when she was in the hospital all the time (we all were) that she can’t ask me how I am… I’m going through a lot of resentments with stuff and I actually feel very alone in all of this. My family is gone. Like literally ******* gone. Sorry to cuss but in a 24 hour period my step kids and husband left and now live across the country. Devastating doesn’t cover it. So of course I’m not ok. Not even close to ok. I have days where I am. I’m still making it to the gym most days and powering through for work. But last night I woke up and forgot that he left for a minute and cried until I threw up from 2-4 am. I have therapy Friday with my regular therapist. I’m in an online Alanon group. I’m journaling. I’m doing all the things I should be doing but the pain of being completely abandoned will be here for a very long time. I felt like when I was at your house mom was very disinterested in the fact that I’m going through a Divorce… she even said “you can’t just sit still today can you”…. No mom my husband just left me. How would she feel if you just left her and gave her 1 hour notice. I’m not a Pilar of strength all the time. Sorry for venting but it really hurts. I just need someone to tell me it’s going to be ok. I wish mom could care more about me.
It felt relieving to say how I really felt instead of tip towing around it
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi LovelyKaya,
I know right now it seams everything is falling apart and no one is around to help you. You will be ok and you will make it through this. I know right now it hurts to think about everything that has happened. You wonder to yourself how will I get through this. You can get through this. You are strong. You just have to take it one day at a time and know that it will get better. You have all of us here that you can turn to for support. Look after your self, which you seem to be doing, but allow yourself a bit of fun and enjoyment. You have done a lot for everyone else you need to focus that energy on yourself now.
I know right now it seams everything is falling apart and no one is around to help you. You will be ok and you will make it through this. I know right now it hurts to think about everything that has happened. You wonder to yourself how will I get through this. You can get through this. You are strong. You just have to take it one day at a time and know that it will get better. You have all of us here that you can turn to for support. Look after your self, which you seem to be doing, but allow yourself a bit of fun and enjoyment. You have done a lot for everyone else you need to focus that energy on yourself now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Kaya
Its going to be ok. This all will get easier for you with time.
I went through hell and back. I did it alone. If I can survive it then so can you.
I am not saying it will be easy but I am saying you will be ok. Screw this guy he didnt deserve having someone like you anyway. This honestly is for the best, your just not seeing it that way yet.
Its going to be ok. This all will get easier for you with time.
I went through hell and back. I did it alone. If I can survive it then so can you.
I am not saying it will be easy but I am saying you will be ok. Screw this guy he didnt deserve having someone like you anyway. This honestly is for the best, your just not seeing it that way yet.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by ironwill 
Hi LovelyKaya,
I know right now it seams everything is falling apart and no one is around to help you. You will be ok and you will make it through this. I know right now it hurts to think about everything that has happened. You wonder to yourself how will I get through this. You can get through this. You are strong. You just have to take it one day at a time and know that it will get better. You have all of us here that you can turn to for support. Look after your self, which you seem to be doing, but allow yourself a bit of fun and enjoyment. You have done a lot for everyone else you need to focus that energy on yourself now.
I know right now it seams everything is falling apart and no one is around to help you. You will be ok and you will make it through this. I know right now it hurts to think about everything that has happened. You wonder to yourself how will I get through this. You can get through this. You are strong. You just have to take it one day at a time and know that it will get better. You have all of us here that you can turn to for support. Look after your self, which you seem to be doing, but allow yourself a bit of fun and enjoyment. You have done a lot for everyone else you need to focus that energy on yourself now.
) .... did in terms of emotional abuse... I am starting understand the reasons I allowed it in the first place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by HardLessons
Kaya
Its going to be ok. This all will get easier for you with time.
I went through hell and back. I did it alone. If I can survive it then so can you.
I am not saying it will be easy but I am saying you will be ok. Screw this guy he didnt deserve having someone like you anyway. This honestly is for the best, your just not seeing it that way yet.
Its going to be ok. This all will get easier for you with time.
I went through hell and back. I did it alone. If I can survive it then so can you.
I am not saying it will be easy but I am saying you will be ok. Screw this guy he didnt deserve having someone like you anyway. This honestly is for the best, your just not seeing it that way yet.
I now am understanding why my self worth was so low. I am having memories of my childhood when I was 15/16 years old... I am 40 now so back then it was the time of raves... I remember being able to be gone for days at a time with no one noticing or caring. I remember feeling jealous of the other kids parents who were calling them. It was like I almost wanted to be grounded cause at least than it meant my absence was noticed. Even back then I never did a drug so I was the sober driver for my friends at 16 years old ... my parents didn't care where I was at meanwhile their phones were blowing up... This is the first time I have really put 2 and 2 together when it comes to my self worth....
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Kaya, please keep strong. I have nothing to offer but these wisdoms from members are golden. i came here 2018 with frustration of three years on and off alkie relationship, but even i heard all insightful advises, i was no willing to give up on my love, i read but still deep dow misse him terribly even how horrible he was. we have deep rooted attachment disorder from the chilhood. but this year, just last chance boom, after I knew his genuine personality, i had nothing to feel for him. I believe my oldest sister's blessing. Because until recently I still love him and yearning back to him. Well, I did not marry him like you. do we have no issue on that. I always believed that alcoholic people are good people with good heart. But, not everone is like that.
Hugs, you will be okay Kaya.
Hugs, you will be okay Kaya.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
People would absolutely miss you if you were gone. We would, your friends would, your trainer and therapist would, I'm sure your clients would, your family would too, even if they aren't supportive like you want. You are going through a ton of sh*t right now, and it's completely understandable to feel such a roller coaster is emotions. But you should never feel like you don't influence this world and the people around you.
As for your mom and step dad, honestly it sounds like you need strong boundaries with them. They need to understand exactly why the things they do or don't say and do are so hurtful to you. If they can't support you, or at least respect you enough to reach out for more than selfish wants, then they don't deserve the pleasure of your company. It sounds like you have a long history of being brought up to sacrifice yourself for others, while being surrounded be people who wouldn't do the same for you.
I'm sure this won't surprise you since I've pointed it out on several other posts, but the part about leaving to support your mom while she was suicidal really stuck out to me. It's admirable to care for your family, but you cannot be someone's suicide watch. You have your own needs to meet. Caring for your mother is not your full time job, particularly when she won't provide you that same level of care.
You'll get through this one day at a time. You should re read your posts about not thinking you'd make it past 3 days, and now you've made it 3 weeks. You're already healing, and you'll keep doing so as the weeks go on.
As for your mom and step dad, honestly it sounds like you need strong boundaries with them. They need to understand exactly why the things they do or don't say and do are so hurtful to you. If they can't support you, or at least respect you enough to reach out for more than selfish wants, then they don't deserve the pleasure of your company. It sounds like you have a long history of being brought up to sacrifice yourself for others, while being surrounded be people who wouldn't do the same for you.
I'm sure this won't surprise you since I've pointed it out on several other posts, but the part about leaving to support your mom while she was suicidal really stuck out to me. It's admirable to care for your family, but you cannot be someone's suicide watch. You have your own needs to meet. Caring for your mother is not your full time job, particularly when she won't provide you that same level of care.
You'll get through this one day at a time. You should re read your posts about not thinking you'd make it past 3 days, and now you've made it 3 weeks. You're already healing, and you'll keep doing so as the weeks go on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
You will get through this and eventually it won't hurt so much and less as time goes on. That's really true. All you can do is all the things you are doing and to take good care of yourself and start peeking at the great future you can have.
As for your parents, well, as a parent I have to say, we all have different approaches. Some parents have a looser parenting approach with their children than others, some wish they had been treated that way. That's their style and they are doing what they think is best, generally. You could well be sitting here today saying - and when I would go out as a teen they would constantly check on me if I was 10 minutes past the curfew, blowing up my phone, wanting to know where I was and who I was with and they insisted on coming to pick me up! If I had been given more freedom perhaps I would have figured all this out long ago.
You know what I mean?
I don't think what you said to your Step Dad is wrong, it's how you feel, but it's how you feel today, two weeks from now you might feel differently. All I'm suggesting is caution, perhaps now is not the time to address the issue with them, maybe once you get on the other side of all this hurt?
When we give something to someone else (like support) we are never guaranteed the same. Those things just have to be given freely, otherwise resentment builds. Resentment hurts us, so if you are doing things out of obligation, rather than freely, maybe that's something to look at? For you, not for anyone else.
I have some experience with this as my grown Son and I clashed heavily when he was older. Before that we had a great relationship, discussed everything and I was that parent that wanted to know where he was all the time (not overly, but always concerned). As adults, our parents look at us like self sufficient adults (well most do - I say thankfully).
Parents are and always will be imperfect!
Just some thoughts, hopefully helpful.
As for your parents, well, as a parent I have to say, we all have different approaches. Some parents have a looser parenting approach with their children than others, some wish they had been treated that way. That's their style and they are doing what they think is best, generally. You could well be sitting here today saying - and when I would go out as a teen they would constantly check on me if I was 10 minutes past the curfew, blowing up my phone, wanting to know where I was and who I was with and they insisted on coming to pick me up! If I had been given more freedom perhaps I would have figured all this out long ago.
You know what I mean?
I don't think what you said to your Step Dad is wrong, it's how you feel, but it's how you feel today, two weeks from now you might feel differently. All I'm suggesting is caution, perhaps now is not the time to address the issue with them, maybe once you get on the other side of all this hurt?
When we give something to someone else (like support) we are never guaranteed the same. Those things just have to be given freely, otherwise resentment builds. Resentment hurts us, so if you are doing things out of obligation, rather than freely, maybe that's something to look at? For you, not for anyone else.
I have some experience with this as my grown Son and I clashed heavily when he was older. Before that we had a great relationship, discussed everything and I was that parent that wanted to know where he was all the time (not overly, but always concerned). As adults, our parents look at us like self sufficient adults (well most do - I say thankfully).
Parents are and always will be imperfect!
Just some thoughts, hopefully helpful.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Kaya, I am sorry you are feeling so much pain and sadness. It is so
hard when truthful insights from our lives hit like a sunami.
I think you are handling it well so stay strong and take one day at a time.
This was so helpful to me when I was struggling
https://self-compassion.org/the-thre...-compassion-2/
What if you need to see your therapist more often for a few weeks?
Can you go to in person alanon meetings? Face to face is good now.
You will get to a better place, you will be ok (((hugs))). The old way
is collapsing and the new will slowly unfold for you. Get all the
support you can.
hard when truthful insights from our lives hit like a sunami.
I think you are handling it well so stay strong and take one day at a time.
This was so helpful to me when I was struggling
https://self-compassion.org/the-thre...-compassion-2/
What if you need to see your therapist more often for a few weeks?
Can you go to in person alanon meetings? Face to face is good now.
You will get to a better place, you will be ok (((hugs))). The old way
is collapsing and the new will slowly unfold for you. Get all the
support you can.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Enkbaa
Kaya, please keep strong. I have nothing to offer but these wisdoms from members are golden. i came here 2018 with frustration of three years on and off alkie relationship, but even i heard all insightful advises, i was no willing to give up on my love, i read but still deep dow misse him terribly even how horrible he was. we have deep rooted attachment disorder from the chilhood. but this year, just last chance boom, after I knew his genuine personality, i had nothing to feel for him. I believe my oldest sister's blessing. Because until recently I still love him and yearning back to him. Well, I did not marry him like you. do we have no issue on that. I always believed that alcoholic people are good people with good heart. But, not everone is like that.
Hugs, you will be okay Kaya.
Hugs, you will be okay Kaya.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Cookie314
People would absolutely miss you if you were gone. We would, your friends would, your trainer and therapist would, I'm sure your clients would, your family would too, even if they aren't supportive like you want. You are going through a ton of sh*t right now, and it's completely understandable to feel such a roller coaster is emotions. But you should never feel like you don't influence this world and the people around you.
As for your mom and step dad, honestly it sounds like you need strong boundaries with them. They need to understand exactly why the things they do or don't say and do are so hurtful to you. If they can't support you, or at least respect you enough to reach out for more than selfish wants, then they don't deserve the pleasure of your company. It sounds like you have a long history of being brought up to sacrifice yourself for others, while being surrounded be people who wouldn't do the same for you.
I'm sure this won't surprise you since I've pointed it out on several other posts, but the part about leaving to support your mom while she was suicidal really stuck out to me. It's admirable to care for your family, but you cannot be someone's suicide watch. You have your own needs to meet. Caring for your mother is not your full time job, particularly when she won't provide you that same level of care.
You'll get through this one day at a time. You should re read your posts about not thinking you'd make it past 3 days, and now you've made it 3 weeks. You're already healing, and you'll keep doing so as the weeks go on.
As for your mom and step dad, honestly it sounds like you need strong boundaries with them. They need to understand exactly why the things they do or don't say and do are so hurtful to you. If they can't support you, or at least respect you enough to reach out for more than selfish wants, then they don't deserve the pleasure of your company. It sounds like you have a long history of being brought up to sacrifice yourself for others, while being surrounded be people who wouldn't do the same for you.
I'm sure this won't surprise you since I've pointed it out on several other posts, but the part about leaving to support your mom while she was suicidal really stuck out to me. It's admirable to care for your family, but you cannot be someone's suicide watch. You have your own needs to meet. Caring for your mother is not your full time job, particularly when she won't provide you that same level of care.
You'll get through this one day at a time. You should re read your posts about not thinking you'd make it past 3 days, and now you've made it 3 weeks. You're already healing, and you'll keep doing so as the weeks go on.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by trailmix
You will get through this and eventually it won't hurt so much and less as time goes on. That's really true. All you can do is all the things you are doing and to take good care of yourself and start peeking at the great future you can have.
As for your parents, well, as a parent I have to say, we all have different approaches. Some parents have a looser parenting approach with their children than others, some wish they had been treated that way. That's their style and they are doing what they think is best, generally. You could well be sitting here today saying - and when I would go out as a teen they would constantly check on me if I was 10 minutes past the curfew, blowing up my phone, wanting to know where I was and who I was with and they insisted on coming to pick me up! If I had been given more freedom perhaps I would have figured all this out long ago.
You know what I mean?
I don't think what you said to your Step Dad is wrong, it's how you feel, but it's how you feel today, two weeks from now you might feel differently. All I'm suggesting is caution, perhaps now is not the time to address the issue with them, maybe once you get on the other side of all this hurt?
When we give something to someone else (like support) we are never guaranteed the same. Those things just have to be given freely, otherwise resentment builds. Resentment hurts us, so if you are doing things out of obligation, rather than freely, maybe that's something to look at? For you, not for anyone else.
I have some experience with this as my grown Son and I clashed heavily when he was older. Before that we had a great relationship, discussed everything and I was that parent that wanted to know where he was all the time (not overly, but always concerned). As adults, our parents look at us like self sufficient adults (well most do - I say thankfully).
Parents are and always will be imperfect!
Just some thoughts, hopefully helpful.
As for your parents, well, as a parent I have to say, we all have different approaches. Some parents have a looser parenting approach with their children than others, some wish they had been treated that way. That's their style and they are doing what they think is best, generally. You could well be sitting here today saying - and when I would go out as a teen they would constantly check on me if I was 10 minutes past the curfew, blowing up my phone, wanting to know where I was and who I was with and they insisted on coming to pick me up! If I had been given more freedom perhaps I would have figured all this out long ago.
You know what I mean?
I don't think what you said to your Step Dad is wrong, it's how you feel, but it's how you feel today, two weeks from now you might feel differently. All I'm suggesting is caution, perhaps now is not the time to address the issue with them, maybe once you get on the other side of all this hurt?
When we give something to someone else (like support) we are never guaranteed the same. Those things just have to be given freely, otherwise resentment builds. Resentment hurts us, so if you are doing things out of obligation, rather than freely, maybe that's something to look at? For you, not for anyone else.
I have some experience with this as my grown Son and I clashed heavily when he was older. Before that we had a great relationship, discussed everything and I was that parent that wanted to know where he was all the time (not overly, but always concerned). As adults, our parents look at us like self sufficient adults (well most do - I say thankfully).
Parents are and always will be imperfect!
Just some thoughts, hopefully helpful.
By the way thank you for all your feedback..... Also PS... there was no response from my step dad. It has now been a full day. One thing I can for sure say is if that was my kid...willing to reach out and be vulnerable I would have picked up the phone and called or at least returned a textMember
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
You know, I'm so glad you are talking about this and I understand pushing it aside. I also get how the wanting to be with someone who will care and pay attention, I think that is very natural.
Yes, I'm so glad you have therapy tomorrow, this is something you can get out there and hash out and maybe you will be given tools to frame it and deal with the hurt. Just as with your ex, how your parents treated you (or didn't) isn't about you, you are not and never were less than.
Yes, I'm so glad you have therapy tomorrow, this is something you can get out there and hash out and maybe you will be given tools to frame it and deal with the hurt. Just as with your ex, how your parents treated you (or didn't) isn't about you, you are not and never were less than.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 2
Hello. I just made an account to respond to you. I had to.
You are not alone. My mother left me and my dad when I was a teenager, attempted suicide a year or so later after pulling some seriously crazy stuff, and it was like no one even thought about me. Because I would be fine. I was always fine. So I kept on being fine. And making sure everyone else was fine.
I am just starting to realize over the past 5 years or so (I’m mid 40’s, so started to realize things had never been normal about the same age as you) that the way I grew up and how I was treated was not ok. I’m not fine. I can’t make everyone else fine. I’ve tried, really really hard, and it’s not fine.
So, outside looking in, everything is just great. I turned out great. Made all the right choices, worked hard, married smart (LOL). The truth is, it’s all unraveling and I don’t even know where to start or what to do.
I have made hard choices. I have, at times, unbearable guilt for things I truly had no control over. I was raised with so much guilt and obligation, I can logically know something is out of my control and still really think I should have been able to influence a better outcome.
I just want you to know your story is helping me, and I’m sure many others. You are strong and amazing and you also have the right to be vulnerable and sad and just want someone to tell you it will all be ok. And it will. It will be ok. But it still sucks. And your ex sucks. And your mom as step dad are clueless. And it’s ok to be disappointed and sad about that too.
You are not alone. My mother left me and my dad when I was a teenager, attempted suicide a year or so later after pulling some seriously crazy stuff, and it was like no one even thought about me. Because I would be fine. I was always fine. So I kept on being fine. And making sure everyone else was fine.
I am just starting to realize over the past 5 years or so (I’m mid 40’s, so started to realize things had never been normal about the same age as you) that the way I grew up and how I was treated was not ok. I’m not fine. I can’t make everyone else fine. I’ve tried, really really hard, and it’s not fine.
So, outside looking in, everything is just great. I turned out great. Made all the right choices, worked hard, married smart (LOL). The truth is, it’s all unraveling and I don’t even know where to start or what to do.
I have made hard choices. I have, at times, unbearable guilt for things I truly had no control over. I was raised with so much guilt and obligation, I can logically know something is out of my control and still really think I should have been able to influence a better outcome.
I just want you to know your story is helping me, and I’m sure many others. You are strong and amazing and you also have the right to be vulnerable and sad and just want someone to tell you it will all be ok. And it will. It will be ok. But it still sucks. And your ex sucks. And your mom as step dad are clueless. And it’s ok to be disappointed and sad about that too.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
Kaya, I am sorry you are feeling so much pain and sadness. It is so
hard when truthful insights from our lives hit like a sunami.
I think you are handling it well so stay strong and take one day at a time.
This was so helpful to me when I was struggling
https://self-compassion.org/the-thre...-compassion-2/
What if you need to see your therapist more often for a few weeks?
Can you go to in person alanon meetings? Face to face is good now.
You will get to a better place, you will be ok (((hugs))). The old way
is collapsing and the new will slowly unfold for you. Get all the
support you can.
hard when truthful insights from our lives hit like a sunami.
I think you are handling it well so stay strong and take one day at a time.
This was so helpful to me when I was struggling
https://self-compassion.org/the-thre...-compassion-2/
What if you need to see your therapist more often for a few weeks?
Can you go to in person alanon meetings? Face to face is good now.
You will get to a better place, you will be ok (((hugs))). The old way
is collapsing and the new will slowly unfold for you. Get all the
support you can.
My therapist is only available every 10 days or so ( he is maxed out and doesn't take new patients anymore)...but I have been seeing him for a year now and love him. I just joined another group where there are therapists on a sliding scale financially so I have a meeting with one next week ... I can go to alanon meetings in person... I will look into some
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by puppyluv21
Hello. I just made an account to respond to you. I had to.
You are not alone. My mother left me and my dad when I was a teenager, attempted suicide a year or so later after pulling some seriously crazy stuff, and it was like no one even thought about me. Because I would be fine. I was always fine. So I kept on being fine. And making sure everyone else was fine.
I am just starting to realize over the past 5 years or so (I’m mid 40’s, so started to realize things had never been normal about the same age as you) that the way I grew up and how I was treated was not ok. I’m not fine. I can’t make everyone else fine. I’ve tried, really really hard, and it’s not fine.
So, outside looking in, everything is just great. I turned out great. Made all the right choices, worked hard, married smart (LOL). The truth is, it’s all unraveling and I don’t even know where to start or what to do.
I have made hard choices. I have, at times, unbearable guilt for things I truly had no control over. I was raised with so much guilt and obligation, I can logically know something is out of my control and still really think I should have been able to influence a better outcome.
I just want you to know your story is helping me, and I’m sure many others. You are strong and amazing and you also have the right to be vulnerable and sad and just want someone to tell you it will all be ok. And it will. It will be ok. But it still sucks. And your ex sucks. And your mom as step dad are clueless. And it’s ok to be disappointed and sad about that too.
You are not alone. My mother left me and my dad when I was a teenager, attempted suicide a year or so later after pulling some seriously crazy stuff, and it was like no one even thought about me. Because I would be fine. I was always fine. So I kept on being fine. And making sure everyone else was fine.
I am just starting to realize over the past 5 years or so (I’m mid 40’s, so started to realize things had never been normal about the same age as you) that the way I grew up and how I was treated was not ok. I’m not fine. I can’t make everyone else fine. I’ve tried, really really hard, and it’s not fine.
So, outside looking in, everything is just great. I turned out great. Made all the right choices, worked hard, married smart (LOL). The truth is, it’s all unraveling and I don’t even know where to start or what to do.
I have made hard choices. I have, at times, unbearable guilt for things I truly had no control over. I was raised with so much guilt and obligation, I can logically know something is out of my control and still really think I should have been able to influence a better outcome.
I just want you to know your story is helping me, and I’m sure many others. You are strong and amazing and you also have the right to be vulnerable and sad and just want someone to tell you it will all be ok. And it will. It will be ok. But it still sucks. And your ex sucks. And your mom as step dad are clueless. And it’s ok to be disappointed and sad about that too.
I relate so much with this sentence"I can logically know something is out of my control and still really think I should have been able to influence a better outcome." this is me everyday at work and I am a wedding planner..... so things happen and it is on rare occassions I can't "save the day" like if the grooms brother gets ********* at barfs on the dance floor (which has happened) ...I still will somehow blame myself ....so I get you and hear you...
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Join Date: Mar 2021
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You might really enjoy Pia Mellody’s book, Facing Codependence. It has a lot about growing up in environments where we somehow internalize that it’s not safe to ask for help in having our needs/wants met, environments with no stability or safety yet in developmental years, and how internalizing that can result in some messed up patterns—including antidependence as well as codependence…
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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edoering----are you speaking of counterdependency as being the same thing as antidependence? If so--I think it is an interesting theory---one that might be very fruitful for discussion on this forum. A kind of "fear of intimacy?"
OMG---I think that this patttern is very common--and, not just in addiction circles.
OMG....I think I grew up in a place where the whole darn community had it!!...lol.
Is the afticle in the following link what you are talking about?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...ter-dependency
OMG---I think that this patttern is very common--and, not just in addiction circles.
OMG....I think I grew up in a place where the whole darn community had it!!...lol.
Is the afticle in the following link what you are talking about?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...ter-dependency
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