A Good reason and the REAL reason
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A Good reason and the REAL reason
"A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real reason."
J.P. Morgan (1837-1913)
One reason I like this website, is that it causes me to journal; something I am not good at. The added benefit is you good folks, who bring your experience and perspective to my posts.
Over the past several weeks, I have been posting about a situation without giving you guys any details. In doing so, you have provided me with some good insight and new tools.
For the past 8 weeks, I have been playing the Organ in my Catholic parish. The clergy and all of the congregation have been very supportive and appreciative. Unfortunately, I seem to be the victim of sabotage by the parish music director. The music director is a very fine jazz musician. He has an entire room in his home dedicated to his guitar collection. Before this pastor arrived, we had popular music at mass, and this person played every Sunday. He has a loyal following among members of the congregation.
When the new pastor arrived, this was his first parish. He came from a Benedictine seminary that taught him Gregorian chant and great classical literature. The first thing he did was put a stop to the pop music at mass, including the use of guitars. Then the pastor delegated all the workings of the music program to the music director.
This shows good leadership by the pastor; the ability to delegate. The weakness lies in delegating to someone who seems to have a conflict of interest. The music director pays lip service to my playing and smiles a lot. If asked, he claims that he totally supports the changes in the music program.
I have become aware of some behavior directed towards me by the music director that I believe is passive/aggressive. I spotted this after just weeks instead of decades that it would have taken before my recovery. He gives me the music selections just hours before mass, which gives me too little time to prepare. I have spoken to him about this several times. He promises me the world and never delivers (sound familiar?).
If I were young and ambitious (I am neither), I could fight him. That, however, would be a no-win situation. Our pastors get moved around frequently, and after this pastor likely gets promoted somewhere else, I would be left working for a hostile music director.
I have a meeting scheduled for this Friday with a former organist who left suddenly. I want to hear from her why she left. By the way, I am organist number three in five years. My predecessors were top-rate musicians.
I have a dermatological appointment scheduled for this Monday for some suspicious lesions on my face. I am pretty sure they will want to remove them, To be honest, my primary care doctor is concerned that one of them might be a Melanoma. I am going to tell the church that I need to take a leave of absence because of the upcoming surgery. I will not give them any details.
A former pianist (another top rate musician) went out on maternity leave almost a year ago and has never returned. This is my game plan as well.
J.P. Morgan (1837-1913)
One reason I like this website, is that it causes me to journal; something I am not good at. The added benefit is you good folks, who bring your experience and perspective to my posts.
Over the past several weeks, I have been posting about a situation without giving you guys any details. In doing so, you have provided me with some good insight and new tools.
For the past 8 weeks, I have been playing the Organ in my Catholic parish. The clergy and all of the congregation have been very supportive and appreciative. Unfortunately, I seem to be the victim of sabotage by the parish music director. The music director is a very fine jazz musician. He has an entire room in his home dedicated to his guitar collection. Before this pastor arrived, we had popular music at mass, and this person played every Sunday. He has a loyal following among members of the congregation.
When the new pastor arrived, this was his first parish. He came from a Benedictine seminary that taught him Gregorian chant and great classical literature. The first thing he did was put a stop to the pop music at mass, including the use of guitars. Then the pastor delegated all the workings of the music program to the music director.
This shows good leadership by the pastor; the ability to delegate. The weakness lies in delegating to someone who seems to have a conflict of interest. The music director pays lip service to my playing and smiles a lot. If asked, he claims that he totally supports the changes in the music program.
I have become aware of some behavior directed towards me by the music director that I believe is passive/aggressive. I spotted this after just weeks instead of decades that it would have taken before my recovery. He gives me the music selections just hours before mass, which gives me too little time to prepare. I have spoken to him about this several times. He promises me the world and never delivers (sound familiar?).
If I were young and ambitious (I am neither), I could fight him. That, however, would be a no-win situation. Our pastors get moved around frequently, and after this pastor likely gets promoted somewhere else, I would be left working for a hostile music director.
I have a meeting scheduled for this Friday with a former organist who left suddenly. I want to hear from her why she left. By the way, I am organist number three in five years. My predecessors were top-rate musicians.
I have a dermatological appointment scheduled for this Monday for some suspicious lesions on my face. I am pretty sure they will want to remove them, To be honest, my primary care doctor is concerned that one of them might be a Melanoma. I am going to tell the church that I need to take a leave of absence because of the upcoming surgery. I will not give them any details.
A former pianist (another top rate musician) went out on maternity leave almost a year ago and has never returned. This is my game plan as well.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
It seems like you have a good plan in place for getting out of the situation. Tbh, I think it sounds like you're giving the pastor a little too much credit, but that may just be my take on the story. To me it doesn't seem right to show up and eliminate something that the congregation enjoys right on arrival. I agree being able to delegate tasks is a part of good leadership, and introducing his style of music in addition could be fun variety, but it doesn't seem fair to me to step in and say what others enjoy is wrong like that.
I hope you're able to work things out with them, or step out gracefully like you plan. Good luck with your doctor as well.
I hope you're able to work things out with them, or step out gracefully like you plan. Good luck with your doctor as well.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I can't speak to the music director's motives, but if you have repeatedly asked to get the music earlier and he has repeatedly failed to deliver, you don't need any other reason to step away. The situation is unacceptable to you.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
As a musician, and someone with some issues around perfectionism, I could never walk in unprepared, so I can understand you getting the passive aggressive vibe off this. I can also understand that for personal and professional reasons, you want to be somewhat discreet about how you handle this.
Though leaving on medical leave and simply not returning is not exactly dishonest because you are having surgery, it's not exactly honest, either, to yourself, the music director and pastor, and anyone that takes on the job after you. You do seem to be stuck in the middle of a power struggle over differences in music preferences. That is not on you, and it's being put on you, especially if you are a parish member as well.
Have you thought about having a quick meeting with both of them, pointing out the conflicts, and letting them both know you are resigning and why?
Though leaving on medical leave and simply not returning is not exactly dishonest because you are having surgery, it's not exactly honest, either, to yourself, the music director and pastor, and anyone that takes on the job after you. You do seem to be stuck in the middle of a power struggle over differences in music preferences. That is not on you, and it's being put on you, especially if you are a parish member as well.
Have you thought about having a quick meeting with both of them, pointing out the conflicts, and letting them both know you are resigning and why?
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Originally Posted by sage1969 
As a musician, and someone with some issues around perfectionism, I could never walk in unprepared, so I can understand you getting the passive aggressive vibe off this. I can also understand that for personal and professional reasons, you want to be somewhat discreet about how you handle this.
Though leaving on medical leave and simply not returning is not exactly dishonest because you are having surgery, it's not exactly honest, either, to yourself, the music director and pastor, and anyone that takes on the job after you. You do seem to be stuck in the middle of a power struggle over differences in music preferences. That is not on you, and it's being put on you, especially if you are a parish member as well.
Have you thought about having a quick meeting with both of them, pointing out the conflicts, and letting them both know you are resigning and why?
Though leaving on medical leave and simply not returning is not exactly dishonest because you are having surgery, it's not exactly honest, either, to yourself, the music director and pastor, and anyone that takes on the job after you. You do seem to be stuck in the middle of a power struggle over differences in music preferences. That is not on you, and it's being put on you, especially if you are a parish member as well.
Have you thought about having a quick meeting with both of them, pointing out the conflicts, and letting them both know you are resigning and why?
I just met with another musician who used to play there. She let me know that there were issues with this music director under previous pastors.
She suggested I draft a letter to the music director outlining conditions for my continued service there.
Since I don’t have any direct issues with the pastor, this seems like a good plan.
I plan to do this on Sunday. Many thanks for your input.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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I have become aware of some behavior directed towards me by the music director that I believe is passive/aggressive. ...He gives me the music selections just hours before mass, which gives me too little time to prepare. I have spoken to him about this several times.
I don't see anything passive about the music director's actions, myself. You have the option. I guess, of taking this experience to the pastor (of not getting music until the a few hours before Mass) and explaining that's not respecting one's time / not respectful of ones talent, and pointing out the short stints of your predecessors. You don't have to speculate on the director's motive, but you could say, "This is a big responsibility, and so many people have already resigned. Everything possible should be done to make this experience a positive one for the organist." or something like that. I don't know if you receive a stipend for your work? If you don't, all the more reason for making the task easier for whomever fills this role.
You can communicate with the music director about what you want, but chances are, he'll let you move on and alienate the next organist, as well.
I don't see anything passive about the music director's actions, myself. You have the option. I guess, of taking this experience to the pastor (of not getting music until the a few hours before Mass) and explaining that's not respecting one's time / not respectful of ones talent, and pointing out the short stints of your predecessors. You don't have to speculate on the director's motive, but you could say, "This is a big responsibility, and so many people have already resigned. Everything possible should be done to make this experience a positive one for the organist." or something like that. I don't know if you receive a stipend for your work? If you don't, all the more reason for making the task easier for whomever fills this role.
You can communicate with the music director about what you want, but chances are, he'll let you move on and alienate the next organist, as well.
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Thank you, Velma!
I met with the Music Director the other day. I tried to take the high road.
It is obvious from our conversation that he is overwhelmed. I suspect his wife is also nagging him about having this job in addition to his 9-5.
I offered to help him get the music together for myself and the other musicians. He told me, without my suggesting it, that he really wants to have stuff done two weeks ahead of schedule. He seems grateful for the help.
I'll go down this road with him and see what happens. I must be reminded periodically that I am still in recovery. Sometimes I project the products of my upbringing onto others.
I met with the Music Director the other day. I tried to take the high road.
It is obvious from our conversation that he is overwhelmed. I suspect his wife is also nagging him about having this job in addition to his 9-5.
I offered to help him get the music together for myself and the other musicians. He told me, without my suggesting it, that he really wants to have stuff done two weeks ahead of schedule. He seems grateful for the help.
I'll go down this road with him and see what happens. I must be reminded periodically that I am still in recovery. Sometimes I project the products of my upbringing onto others.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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Ahhh, being artistic doesn't mean one is organized, or a good leader.
I work with my hands as a seamstress. Occasionally, there is a verifiable reason for a 'rush job.' "I arrived in this state for a wedding, and I was just informed I'm walking the bride down the aisle." (true story) I'm going to move Heaven and earth to get that fellow dressed. But in most cases, a rush job means I'm not doing my *best* work, and obviously the customer isn't receiving it. And we might have to charge more for it anyway.
Best wishes. Hadn't considered the spouse factor.
I work with my hands as a seamstress. Occasionally, there is a verifiable reason for a 'rush job.' "I arrived in this state for a wedding, and I was just informed I'm walking the bride down the aisle." (true story) I'm going to move Heaven and earth to get that fellow dressed. But in most cases, a rush job means I'm not doing my *best* work, and obviously the customer isn't receiving it. And we might have to charge more for it anyway.
Best wishes. Hadn't considered the spouse factor.
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I am kicking this thread again.
The Music Director is pulling the same stunts. Plus some new ones. Sunday he wanted to re-arrange the hymns in the middle of Mass, seconds before the Offertory. I told him NO.
*NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES*
Sound familiar?
I have called the church office and asked for a meeting with the pastor.
When I meet with him, I am going to explain my recovery journey and tell him why I cannot continue with the status quo. The staff seems to have a high turnover rate. Perhaps my conversation with the pastor, whom I respect a great deal, will help him as well.
My reason for posting this issue here, is I find myself using the same tools that I have had to use with addicts I was close to. I am running everything through those filters.
The Music Director is pulling the same stunts. Plus some new ones. Sunday he wanted to re-arrange the hymns in the middle of Mass, seconds before the Offertory. I told him NO.
*NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES*
Sound familiar?
I have called the church office and asked for a meeting with the pastor.
When I meet with him, I am going to explain my recovery journey and tell him why I cannot continue with the status quo. The staff seems to have a high turnover rate. Perhaps my conversation with the pastor, whom I respect a great deal, will help him as well.
My reason for posting this issue here, is I find myself using the same tools that I have had to use with addicts I was close to. I am running everything through those filters.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
My reason for posting this issue here, is I find myself using the same tools that I have had to use with addicts I was close to. I am running everything through those filters.
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I submitted my resignation yesterday. Next Sunday will be my last.
Today I am feeling a mixture of relief and a feeling of failure.
I was playing beautiful music. The congregation loved it. I loved that instrument. I feel like the lady who lived in a big mansion near the country club. She had the finest in furniture and art. Then, one night she fled to the women's' shelter because she just couldn't take it anymore.
I was going down a big rabbit hole of wondering why "daddy" was so crazy. I found myself trying to find ways to win "daddy's" approval. I was wanting to fix "daddy."
Our congregation is a large version of a very dysfunctional family. "Daddy" is authoritarian and hands down a lot of rules. He can be very nurturing, but most of the time is absent and hard to get to. People walk on eggshells around "Daddy." People are afraid that he'll get mad.
"Daddy", I believe, is basically a good man. I suspect that he has alcoholism in his family and is merely transferring how he was raised on his congregation. I think you can have very dysfunctional stuff going on in a group with NO "bad" people.
Today I am feeling a mixture of relief and a feeling of failure.
I was playing beautiful music. The congregation loved it. I loved that instrument. I feel like the lady who lived in a big mansion near the country club. She had the finest in furniture and art. Then, one night she fled to the women's' shelter because she just couldn't take it anymore.
I was going down a big rabbit hole of wondering why "daddy" was so crazy. I found myself trying to find ways to win "daddy's" approval. I was wanting to fix "daddy."
Our congregation is a large version of a very dysfunctional family. "Daddy" is authoritarian and hands down a lot of rules. He can be very nurturing, but most of the time is absent and hard to get to. People walk on eggshells around "Daddy." People are afraid that he'll get mad.
"Daddy", I believe, is basically a good man. I suspect that he has alcoholism in his family and is merely transferring how he was raised on his congregation. I think you can have very dysfunctional stuff going on in a group with NO "bad" people.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
I submitted my resignation yesterday. Next Sunday will be my last.
Today I am feeling a mixture of relief and a feeling of failure.
Today I am feeling a mixture of relief and a feeling of failure.
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
I was playing beautiful music. The congregation loved it. I loved that instrument.
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
I think you can have very dysfunctional stuff going on in a group with NO "bad" people.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Sage
I can’t thank you enough for your contributions to this group and to me personally. You exhibit a great deal of wisdom.
It so happens I played for a wedding at a different parish last Saturday. It is out of town about an hour.
When I walked in the place, the atmosphere was totally different.
I have known the pastor there about 10 years. Seems like a very healthy fellow. I was welcomed by him and the other staff. I am scheduled to play two more weddings for them coming up.
One of the altar guild ladies(maybe she was the sacristan) was sad that I’m not playing there all the time.
In town, there is yet another parish I could attend, whose pastor is an AA guy for over 40 years. I would not be playing music there as far as I know.
Like they say, where God closes a door, he opens a window.
I can’t thank you enough for your contributions to this group and to me personally. You exhibit a great deal of wisdom.
It so happens I played for a wedding at a different parish last Saturday. It is out of town about an hour.
When I walked in the place, the atmosphere was totally different.
I have known the pastor there about 10 years. Seems like a very healthy fellow. I was welcomed by him and the other staff. I am scheduled to play two more weddings for them coming up.
One of the altar guild ladies(maybe she was the sacristan) was sad that I’m not playing there all the time.
In town, there is yet another parish I could attend, whose pastor is an AA guy for over 40 years. I would not be playing music there as far as I know.
Like they say, where God closes a door, he opens a window.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
@Eauchiche I'm glad that my words might be of use to others. I'm so new here and I think sometimes I rub others the wrong way. And it's so easy to have blind spots in my own behaviors that I don't see. I'm glad I'm able to sometimes pay it forward and be supportive or at least hold space for others.
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Apparently, upon news of my resignation, the Music Director's wife blocked me from her Facebook account.
It is becoming clearer, every day, why he has lost five musicians in five years.
*MORE WILL BE REVEALED*
It is becoming clearer, every day, why he has lost five musicians in five years.
*MORE WILL BE REVEALED*
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Kicking this thread again to thank you good folks for helping me extricate myself from a damned hornets' nest.
In retrospect, it didn't matter who I met with. I was pulled into the middle of a fight that wasn't mine. The music director seemed happy that I was leaving and I never heard from the pastor.
I guess the whole experience shows me I have recovered a little bit. I lasted 13 weeks. In pre-recovery days, I would have stayed at a position like this one for years, then drank to deal with it.
When I was wrestling with the decision to leave, I was able to boil it down to priorities. I decided my own mental and spiritual health was higher on the list than operating a machine in front of the church.
Thanks again!!!
In retrospect, it didn't matter who I met with. I was pulled into the middle of a fight that wasn't mine. The music director seemed happy that I was leaving and I never heard from the pastor.
I guess the whole experience shows me I have recovered a little bit. I lasted 13 weeks. In pre-recovery days, I would have stayed at a position like this one for years, then drank to deal with it.
When I was wrestling with the decision to leave, I was able to boil it down to priorities. I decided my own mental and spiritual health was higher on the list than operating a machine in front of the church.
Thanks again!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Eauchiche, thanks for sharing this story here. After all, the whole point of recovery is to function in a healthy way in the larger world, right? I'm struggling w/my relationship w/my father and your posts remind me that I can use my recovery tools to try to find an answer to my situation.
I wish you well in finding a more hospitable place for you and the music that is inside you.
I wish you well in finding a more hospitable place for you and the music that is inside you.
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