I miss him
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 5
I miss him
Hi all!
I guess I just wanted to reach out and see if anyone has had the same experience as I have. My ex bf went to his second recovery at the start of this year (he was released from prison 2019, and actively kept using pain medication, which then ended up moving up to fentanyl).
He and I were very close and I’m the only constant he had for 5 years. At the start of the year, he got in touch with me and I told him I just didn’t trust him to do right by my anymore. After years of lies, manipulating me for money, making me feel bad if I didn’t send him cash, finding another girlfriend, being distanced from him whenever he didn’t need me…I felt I wanted to be honest and I told him I just didn’t trust that he would be a good friend to me. He started yelling at me, telling me he tries all the time and then said goodbye. I haven’t heard from him in 7 months and I’m just so sad. I emailed him 3-4 times telling him I hope we can be friends, that I miss him, that I wish him well - nothing.
has anyone had that happen with their loved one? I’m guessing after 7 months he won’t be getting back in touch with me again. I just wish I knew why he cut me off so swiftly and suddenly after all I’d done for him over the years.
I haven’t been in touch since my last email in March, he cut me off in January. I wish he’d come back and we could start over as friends but I realise he needs his space and I’m probably out of his life for good now.
I guess I just wish I knew why. He knew i would never judge him and have always loved him.
I don’t know what’s going on with him as we’re now in different countries, and I figured the best thing to do was to just let him be. Any words of comfort or advice would be helpful
I guess I just wanted to reach out and see if anyone has had the same experience as I have. My ex bf went to his second recovery at the start of this year (he was released from prison 2019, and actively kept using pain medication, which then ended up moving up to fentanyl).
He and I were very close and I’m the only constant he had for 5 years. At the start of the year, he got in touch with me and I told him I just didn’t trust him to do right by my anymore. After years of lies, manipulating me for money, making me feel bad if I didn’t send him cash, finding another girlfriend, being distanced from him whenever he didn’t need me…I felt I wanted to be honest and I told him I just didn’t trust that he would be a good friend to me. He started yelling at me, telling me he tries all the time and then said goodbye. I haven’t heard from him in 7 months and I’m just so sad. I emailed him 3-4 times telling him I hope we can be friends, that I miss him, that I wish him well - nothing.
has anyone had that happen with their loved one? I’m guessing after 7 months he won’t be getting back in touch with me again. I just wish I knew why he cut me off so swiftly and suddenly after all I’d done for him over the years.
I haven’t been in touch since my last email in March, he cut me off in January. I wish he’d come back and we could start over as friends but I realise he needs his space and I’m probably out of his life for good now.
I guess I just wish I knew why. He knew i would never judge him and have always loved him.
I don’t know what’s going on with him as we’re now in different countries, and I figured the best thing to do was to just let him be. Any words of comfort or advice would be helpful
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hopefully you know this guy is not relationship type material. He sounds like a typical addict mess to me.
You deserve someone who can consistently treat you well & with respect. Someone you can build a relationship with.
He basically vanished because you said no. Hes is the picture even if hes in jail as long as you are saying yes.
"I figured the best thing to do was to just let him be" Wise words & you are correct. Let him be & get whatever help you need to move on with your life. Please keep going & dont look back.
Take care
You deserve someone who can consistently treat you well & with respect. Someone you can build a relationship with.
He basically vanished because you said no. Hes is the picture even if hes in jail as long as you are saying yes.
"I figured the best thing to do was to just let him be" Wise words & you are correct. Let him be & get whatever help you need to move on with your life. Please keep going & dont look back.
Take care
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I don’t know what’s going on with him as we’re now in different countries, and I figured the best thing to do was to just let him be. Any words of comfort or advice would be helpful.
What if you made some new friends, joined an interest group or even attended meetings of Al-anon, Nar-anon or Coda, all similar fellowships that help us overcome our codependency and learn to live a healthy, happy life again? Or find a hobby or take a course, think on it and decide what would be healthy for YOU to get out and meet new people.
This man is not in a position to be a good friend, he has proven over and over that he is only interested when he wants something and when you say "no" he hollers at you...friends don't do this...ever.
You deserve better, he's not going to change any time soon and your life is too precious to waste another thought on him.
Only you can change your behaviour, only you can find a better path and then stay on it and find new beginnings of joy and peace and serenity instead of the torment you have been stuck in.
What if you made some new friends, joined an interest group or even attended meetings of Al-anon, Nar-anon or Coda, all similar fellowships that help us overcome our codependency and learn to live a healthy, happy life again? Or find a hobby or take a course, think on it and decide what would be healthy for YOU to get out and meet new people.
This man is not in a position to be a good friend, he has proven over and over that he is only interested when he wants something and when you say "no" he hollers at you...friends don't do this...ever.
You deserve better, he's not going to change any time soon and your life is too precious to waste another thought on him.
Only you can change your behaviour, only you can find a better path and then stay on it and find new beginnings of joy and peace and serenity instead of the torment you have been stuck in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 5
Hey guys!!! Thank you so much for your responses, I really needed to see them and read them.
I’m slowly getting back into the rhythm of going to the gym daily, I’m in a relationship now with someone I was with for a long time, prior to meeting this deadbeat *******.
I don’t hold out hope I’m ever going to hear from him again, but honestly I checked out of that relationship quite a while back. I guess I just didn’t know why he’d walk away. He was supposedly sober, still in his sober living home, all that jazz…but I guess end of the day, the same issues plaguing him whilst using are still there and he couldn’t deal with my honesty.
You guys are right, I did the right thing in leaving him be, and I guess I need to stop tormenting myself about it all. I’m not perfect but I did everything I could for the guy. Yes, I wanted more effort and communication and I do feel somewhat responsible for him walking away because I just said straight up, I don’t trust you anymore and that was it. He was gone. If he is going to be that way sober then I’m better off, I guess.
I’ll definitely be seeking out those groups everyone mentioned, thank you so much again guys…I really needed these responses
I’m slowly getting back into the rhythm of going to the gym daily, I’m in a relationship now with someone I was with for a long time, prior to meeting this deadbeat *******.
I don’t hold out hope I’m ever going to hear from him again, but honestly I checked out of that relationship quite a while back. I guess I just didn’t know why he’d walk away. He was supposedly sober, still in his sober living home, all that jazz…but I guess end of the day, the same issues plaguing him whilst using are still there and he couldn’t deal with my honesty.
You guys are right, I did the right thing in leaving him be, and I guess I need to stop tormenting myself about it all. I’m not perfect but I did everything I could for the guy. Yes, I wanted more effort and communication and I do feel somewhat responsible for him walking away because I just said straight up, I don’t trust you anymore and that was it. He was gone. If he is going to be that way sober then I’m better off, I guess.
I’ll definitely be seeking out those groups everyone mentioned, thank you so much again guys…I really needed these responses
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 5
Also, as an aside, and I’d love to hear opinions on this:
do you feel that your loved ones, exes, friends, whatever they were or are to you, do you feel that whilst in recovery they also don’t seem to take stock of their actions?
when my ex was in his first bout of recovery, he’d say things like “I’m sick”, “I was sick”, “I’m not cured yet”, “the past is the past”…almost like he was unwilling to take responsibility and make peace with his behaviours even though that’s what recovery is supposed to be all about? I always thought that he used it as a reason to not bother salvaging the screw ups he made.
to give some background, I’ve never done any type of drug, nor have I ever had addiction issues with alcohol or drugs so this is all so new to me and I honestly just miss my friend.
do you feel that your loved ones, exes, friends, whatever they were or are to you, do you feel that whilst in recovery they also don’t seem to take stock of their actions?
when my ex was in his first bout of recovery, he’d say things like “I’m sick”, “I was sick”, “I’m not cured yet”, “the past is the past”…almost like he was unwilling to take responsibility and make peace with his behaviours even though that’s what recovery is supposed to be all about? I always thought that he used it as a reason to not bother salvaging the screw ups he made.
to give some background, I’ve never done any type of drug, nor have I ever had addiction issues with alcohol or drugs so this is all so new to me and I honestly just miss my friend.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Being clean and being sober does not recovery make. It's a bigger package for those who want to hang on to it. It's a daily, ongoing process, for them and about them, for healing and finding new ways to live in a healthy fashion.
As they say here, recovery looks like recovery. You'll know it when you see it.
I am glad you have moved on. Getting help for yourself is a good idea too.
As they say here, recovery looks like recovery. You'll know it when you see it.
I am glad you have moved on. Getting help for yourself is a good idea too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Ann 
Being clean and being sober does not recovery make. It's a bigger package for those who want to hang on to it. It's a daily, ongoing process, for them and about them, for healing and finding new ways to live in a healthy fashion.
As they say here, recovery looks like recovery. You'll know it when you see it.
I am glad you have moved on. Getting help for yourself is a good idea too.
As they say here, recovery looks like recovery. You'll know it when you see it.
I am glad you have moved on. Getting help for yourself is a good idea too.
I never thought about it like that - clean doesn’t always equal sober and that is very very powerful, but makes SOOOOO much sense. Wow. What a different perspective you’ve given me and that has helped me immensely. Thank you xxxx
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Maybe he is clean not using then again maybe he is still using. You really have no way to know the truth. You only know what he tells you. As you know our addicts will lie to no end in order to get what they want from us.
Based on what youve written doesnt sound to me like he is in recovery.
Find some way to separate yourself totally from him. Its a bad situation. If you have someone else who is a decent person then focus on that relationship. Once you do let go it wont matter what your addict is doing for the good or bad.
Based on what youve written doesnt sound to me like he is in recovery.
Find some way to separate yourself totally from him. Its a bad situation. If you have someone else who is a decent person then focus on that relationship. Once you do let go it wont matter what your addict is doing for the good or bad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by HardLessons
Maybe he is clean not using then again maybe he is still using. You really have no way to know the truth. You only know what he tells you. As you know our addicts will lie to no end in order to get what they want from us.
Based on what youve written doesnt sound to me like he is in recovery.
Find some way to separate yourself totally from him. Its a bad situation. If you have someone else who is a decent person then focus on that relationship. Once you do let go it wont matter what your addict is doing for the good or bad.
Based on what youve written doesnt sound to me like he is in recovery.
Find some way to separate yourself totally from him. Its a bad situation. If you have someone else who is a decent person then focus on that relationship. Once you do let go it wont matter what your addict is doing for the good or bad.
it’s been over 7 months since we’ve spoken, so I truly wouldn’t know what’s going on and honestly, the more I read posts on here and also the replies to this, I think I’m better off. It’s been so good to see so many options out there, so many ways to move on and better myself and my own thought process.
I definitely don’t think that he will be in recovery for a while yet, because as someone said above, being clean and sober isn’t recovery. That said, it isn’t my problem anymore and it’s so good to be able to actually say that and mean it.
You have all been so comforting to me and the more I read yours and others words, it really makes me relieved that I’m coming out the other side, so thank you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: USA
Posts: 92
Hi there. Be happy he's gone. The psychological pain of dealing with an addict is not worth it. Just be thankful and grateful for the new treasures and adventures ahead of you. I left my ex fiancé several months ago due to his addiction and lack of motivation to stick with recovery. Nothing has changed with him, he's still in active addiction. Truth be told, he's got a lot of skeletons in his closet that he’ll be dancing with for the rest of his life I believe. Since leaving him, my pain has turned to peace. I have moved on with my life, and he's just a memory now that fades more and more every day. I wish you the best of luck going forward.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 334
It sounds like you had good reason for telling him you couldn’t trust him to be a good friend to you. I’m not sure what happened between when you told him that and when you started to miss him and want him back in your life, I couldn’t tell from the original post. It doesn’t sound like anything changed significantly in his behavior. So what do you think caused that shift in you?
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