Tired1

4 months seperated physically....many years emotionaly and AH new Girl friend claims "he doesn't drink around me" So.....
1. Is she lying to me?
2. is he hiding it from her?
3. I'm I really so terribly he had to drink?
Why am I so stuck I keep coming back to this place where I even care? How can the indifference i initially had, grow to hate so fast and so intense and i think I am going to explode!!

advbike

I am so sorry you are feeling such anger and resentment, Tired1, even though it is deserved.. it must be terrible. And beating yourself up on top of it. You are an awesome person and will have a good life if you can move forward.

You must also know that you're not getting the full picture here - you are being manipulated, which is what they do. Best not to look anymore, or make contact. Live your life.

Resentment eats us up. Please try to move past it and find your joy in new things. Best to you.

trailmix

Note that she didn't say "he doesn't drink" - she said around her.

He's drinking, nothing has changed except the venue, maybe she said no drinks in the house and so he goes out to drink, maybe only as far as the back yard. What she said really means nothing.

You are reading too much in to it I think?

So why does it still hurt so much. Although you were emotionally apart, you have only really been apart 4 months, that's not long enough for you to heal and certainly not when you get digs from that woman.

It kind of seems, from the little you said above, that you are still feeling rejected? slighted? abandoned? all of those? I don't know, but until you come to a place where you believe that nothing he says or does is a reflection of who and what you are, it's going to hurt.

This will come with time, the healing, the realizing that hey, I'm a great person!

How did it come to be that you spoke or exchanged messages?

Bekindalways

Heya Tired1. Yep I get that hatred. I got to a point where I understood people who drove heavy equipment through their Ex's house. I never did it but I sure got it.

Unfortunately for this kind of thing 4 months isn't long. To get through this we all have to feel the feels, good, bad, toxic, whatever, for a long time and as the saying goes, "Time takes time.".

Please take care of yourself the best you can and just get through each day, hour or 15 minutes. It does suck beyond suck.

dandylion

Tired....one thought that needs to be corrected, for sure, is that he does not drink because of you. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. He would have been drinking whether you were a Wicked Witch or a Sweet Fairy Princess. Reading through the thousands of stories on this forum---the alcoholic blaming their spouse is almost always the way.
Millions of men have less than stellar partners and divorces, etc.---yet, they don't handle it by drinking. It is the alcoholics who drink and blame their wives.
The roots of alcoholism were there within him before you even married him. It has nothing to do with you. Alcoholism is progressive---meaning that it gets worse over time--which you indicate is exactly what your husband has done.

That he has become abstinent---and reaching for genuine recovery----without an intensive program of recovery (like AA)---in 4 short months is right around zero.
It doesn't happen that way---and, besides he is resistant to help (you have said so yourself).

Another thing....you have been miserable with this man for a few decades---you can rest assured that she is about to inherit your basket of misery---but she may not be aware of it (yet). He can probably hide ir from her for a while. But, the alcoholism does not just magically go away. She is actually "Dead Man Walking"....or, rather---Dead Woman Walking....lol.
Her history (you have shared) is that she has had a history of only being with alcoholic loser types in her past. You can bet the milk money that she is repeating her same pattern of being attracted to addicts.

At 4 months, I think your intense negative feelings are pretty normal. You have grieving to still do and a lot of negative feelings are involved. After staying with an active alcoholic for 30 years, you are going to have a lot of your own work to do----to work on your own self. Shedding some of your old skin....lol. Lots of self evaluation and self understanding.
The more you fill up your own life---the less you will think about them. They are now part of Past History and they belong on the other side of the street. You will need to attend to your own side of the street. There is where your future happiness will come from, in the big picture.

Cookie314

1. Yeah, she's likely either lying, or being very pedantic about her choice of words.
2. Possibly, though it sounds like she knows her "type" so to speak, so she may just be wilfully ignorant.
3. That line of thought needs to be nipped in the bud. You don't drive an alcoholic to drink, they drink because they want to drink. If he's told you that, you know for certain he's doing it to deflect guilt/shame/ blame to you.

Here's a quick and fool-proof test for you:
Q: How do you know when your AH is lying to you?
A: When he's talking to you.

4. You probably come back to this place because grief takes a lot of time to process, and because you really did/do care. Those feelings don't just get flipped off like a switch. They're more like a slider who's controller occasionally sneezes and turns it back up to 11. Feeling betrayed and angry is normal, and justified. As time passes, the time between those intense bursts will decrease. You'll get through this.

Tired1

How did it come to be that you spoke or exchanged messages?

AH had gone to our hometown to honor his dad at the local car show. I found out GF #2 joined him and His sister and her family for this event. Mind you his dad passed just 7 months ago, we have been seperated for 4 months, gf has been seeing him for 3 months, so she never knew his dad. I am watching his dog and figuring out when he was coming back and was so pissed at him I agreed to speak with her. Yes I am crazy!!

Bekindalways

Yep, most of us have done stuff like this cause we were crazy too . . . . .and many of us still are in ways. It is a journey.

Please keep letting us know how you get on.

trailmix

^^^^ What dandylion said!

You posted in an earlier thread:

See that slippery slope. Out of the gate he was choosing not to drink for two nights around her. Ok. Now he is not drinking "in front" of her. Ok. I think we can all see where this is going?

SparkleKitty

There is no such thing as a "person good enough to stop for." Don't torture yourself that you could have been that person or that she somehow is. Any effort that the active addict is making is temporary and designed to manipulate her into believing he is better of than he is.

Spiderweb

I am recently separated too. We hardly speak, mostly text, but through mutual friends and family he has still been able to “get to me”. A friend or family member mentions he said so and so and I am triggered again as if he were right there! I suppose I’m still feeling pretty raw and sensitive, we were married 15 years. Sounds like you’ve been together even longer. Try to go easy on yourself, I think it just takes time. This woman has no idea what she’s gotten into, you know the truth, and she will mostly likely soon see for herself.

Tired1

I'm glad to hear i am not alone and have support here. This week was so bad I even missed work....

trailmix

I'm sorry Tired1, it's a rough road, but you are getting through (although I'm sure some days that doesn't seem true to you).

You are angry about a very unfair situation, that's normal, it hurts, but normal. Eventually the anger will go away, when you are ready.

Do you notice how you turn that inward though. You get this kind of shocking comment from the gf and immediately your thoughts turn to:

It may be that your self esteem, self worth, has been well and truly battered over the years. If you try to apply "normal" relationship boundaries, values etc to an alcoholic relationship, you will come out the worse for it.

He doesn't actually do ANYTHING because of you. He does it in the service of his addiction and the warped world view that creates. His house of cards will crumble but that will be little solace to you really. You probably would just rather have had the man back that you married. Sadly he's gone, to addiction.

Nothing to do with your worth. You are still who you are and always have been and you may well need support to see that. Post here, join a divorced women's group, Al Anon, therapy, you need support, you will be ok.