Batgirl273

Hi all. New to this forum. Been lurking for a while but thought I should post my own story.

I (37F) and my ex (33M) were together 4 years off/on. Had our usual issues but trust was a big one because it started with lying. He kept his struggle with alcohol quite secret for 2 years. He was a binge drinker, usually just on weekends. He often broke promises and was late for things because he was hungover. He also texted women late at night and has a thing where he likes to hang onto his exes. He has no male friends and struggles with feeling accepted.

He broke up with me in March 2020 saying he was tired of our drama and basically wanting to be left alone to drink in peace. He also said he was struggling with whether he wanted kids or not (I don't, and he's also not in any shape to be a father). He came back in October 2020 wanting to reconcile, saying he madr a mistake and wants to be with me. I said ok and encourage therapy and treatment. 6 months later, turns out he was dating someone else at the same time (a single mother yet) we were reconciling. He was lying to us both. So I left 4 months ago. He got angry with me for trying to move on. He blocked me everywhere. He'd unblock me once a week to send obvious drunk texts, pick fights then disappear. He's still dating the single mom.

It was quiet for about 6 weeks. My phone rang last weekend. It was him. He was sobbing and very drunk. Told me what a mistake he made again, how he regrets everything, screwing up our relationship and how he feels guilty for disrespecting me because he loved me so much. He then told me he wasn't happy, was drinking even more, and now he feels stuck with the single mom because he's met her kid and feelings are involved. He told me he only dated her while we broke up to see how he felt about kids because he wanted to be with me so badly (messed up huh?). He also said he didn't feel supported (aka enabled) by me so he turned to her but he can't move on from me and needs closure.

I ended up hanging up on him because he was wasted.

My heart belongs to him. I don't want anyone else. We truly felt like we belonged together until the drinking and lies derailed it. I would do anything for him. I tried to get his family involved. I offered to go to therapy, treatment, anything he needed but he wouldn't. I went to AlAnon. I detached with love, which made him believe I don't care about him. But i do. So, so much.

How do you even begin to process all this? i'm 4 months out and feel like I'm getting worse, not better. I miss him everyday and I can't move on either.

Ariesagain

First, I’m so very sorry this has happened to you and that you’re hurting so much.

Second,

Wow, that’s an All-Timer for the alcohol-enhanced self-pity gobbledygook hall of fame. I don’t even know where to start on how much equine manure that contains.

I have a big concern that he has now burned his bridges with Enabler #2 and she is now threatening to kick him out of her life. Hence, he’s simpering back to you…or at least keeping you hitting the pause button in case he needs another escape route. Please understand that none of what he’s saying is real, useful, or worth the oxygen it takes to express. Ending the call was the right thing to do, so good for you.

I take it you haven’t blocked him? Why? Leaving that door open will just make you live in a constant state of stress, wondering if you’re going to hear from him or not. It’s impossible to heal if you keep giving him headspace to hurt you again. As for “I detached with love which made him believe I don’t care about him,” is just not true. You can’t “make” anybody feel anything, he’s just playing the wounded card because it works.

I hope you’ll consider going back to Al-Anon and maybe finding a therapist for one-on-one support? And please, please, for your own sweet sake, block him. On everything. Until you do, the healing can’t begin.

I’m sorry for your hurt.



P.S. Not even that part is true, is it? Wasn’t he dating both of you at the same time…for months?

ironwill

Hi Batgirl,

You process it by taking it one day at a time. Yes, it hurts to see someone that you love so much act the way they do. Is this the life you want. Him lying, cheating, and manipulation of you. That is not a healthy relationship. There is nothing you can do for an alcoholic to cure them. I'm sure you have read about the Three "C's" You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I know you offered to be their with him to get him through this. This is his journey. He will either do it or not.

Your Heart and your head are battling over this. The heart does not want to let go of this love. It takes it a lot longer for it to come around. Your mind knows what it should do, but gets confused by what the heart wants. Know that with each day it will get better. You are strong and can get through this.

Batgirl273

He has me blocked on socials so I can't block back now. I have an android phone, which sends blocked calls to voicemail, and blocked texts to a folder. He's never fully blocked. Besides that, he blocked out his number when he called. Sober enough to remember to do that apparently.

I also suspected maybe new girl is pulling away so he circled back to me. But he claimed she's in deep with him, I mean, he met her kid recently. I know exactly what he's feeding her too, as I've been fed the same lines when he was trying to hang onto me years back.

i guess I'm trying not to believe the last 4 years was a lie, and that what I felt was real. That he has been so lost in his addiction, that he's not thinking clearly and the guy I know is in there somewhere. But... there's no way alcohol can make him do all of this. Like basically using a single mom to see how you feel about parenting (so he says. He may just be trying to spare my feelings). That just seems like a jerk thing to do, not alcohol related. And yes, he lied about continuing to date her. He told me they went on 3 actual dates then he stopped once she caught feelings and he wanted to reconcile with me. He kept that lie up for 6 months until I caught him (actually, his own mother let it slip by accident.)

trailmix

Hi Batgirl, so sorry you have been so hurt in all of this and really glad you posted.

Of all the big red flags in your story, the one above stands out for me. One has to ask, why?

- He lied to you about his alcohol use/alcoholism
- Said he wants to be left alone to drink in peace (this is at least one true thing he has said)
- Cheated on you while you were trying to reconcile.
- Broke up with you to go drink - you had to ask him to leave the second time
- While dating the other woman, he still found time to unblock you once a week to send drunken messages

And this is the person you would do anything for?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you and I'm certainly not judging you. As you have been reading around the forum you have no doubt seen that generally, when you are feeling this way it's because you are not paying enough attention to yourself.

For months you have focused on this guy who is absolutely - in no way - relationship material. He can barely keep himself together and he wants children?

What that tells you is what he is thinking (I want to be married, settle down, have children and a white picket fence) and what he is doing (drunk texting/calling my ex girlfriend while dating another woman whose child I have met and there are "feelings" involved) are wildly opposed. He has no plan, no responsibility, no empathy, he is entirely self absorbed.

That's not unusual in alcoholism by the way, addiction is a very self-centered pursuit. If you are chasing a drug all the time, be that alcohol or heroin, that doesn't leave a lot of time for feelings about anything or anyone else. That's how he can just leave you. His one true love is alcohol, not you, not his family, not his friends, probably not even him.

He has no idea what he wants or what he is even capable of doing. He is certainly, absolutely, impossibly not ready to be a Father, that is for sure, so that's all just a pipe dream. Say you got on board, had a child and got married, a year or two down the road he would be on his way out the door, or if you didn't nag him too much he might stick around and just drink at the bar more.

You have to allow yourself to move away from this relationship. Yes, by going no contact. This gives you space to see the world around you without him in it. The peacefulness, the safe feeling. These are all things you have inside you that you can allow yourself to have. You don't need him for any of that.

Now I'm sure he must have some good qualities, if he didn't you wouldn't have got in to a relationship with him in the first place, but if you do decide to revisit the relationship you will keep getting hurt over and over, if for no other reason than he can "just leave you".

Al Anon is great, therapy, other support groups you might find helpful, post here. Go out more, see friends and family, even if you don't feel like it. Dating an alcoholic can be very isolating, you may find friends have dropped by the wayside, now is a great time to reach out to them again.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it (the 3 c's)

Ariesagain

Your emotions were real…the situation just wasn’t what you thought it was. Or maybe it was at the beginning, but then the addiction took over. Or maybe he wanted to be what you wanted him to be, but he couldn’t sustain it.

Addicts are often looking for outside “solutions” to inside problems, so often they go from person to person and situation to situation trying to find the magical combination that will fix everything so they won’t want to drink. You’ve probably seen it here before…an addict wants to believe that dating the right person will solve everything. Or getting engaged to that person. Or getting married. Or getting pregnant. Or getting divorced. Or buying a house. Or moving. Or changing jobs. Very, very common and it’s hard to say whether the motives are “real,” because they probably are sincere, at first. The problem is that the magic “solution” isn’t the solution, so…

You got caught in a crappy situation through no fault of your own. If it ever happens again with another addict, you’ll know the signs more quickly, but until you’ve been through it, how are you supposed to know? And codependents as a group tend to be forgiving, empathetic, kind people and that just gets us in all kinds of trouble in this sort of situation.

Be kind to yourself. You did the best you could with what you knew.

LovelyKaya33333

Hi Please please please read my story... This is all too familiar... except I didn't leave it alone at 4 years. I lasted 7... I married him... and here I am... 3 years worth of scars to prove the extra 3 years were there... I say this because your story reminds me soooo much of my story in 2016... but after 4 months of not seeing him and believing him that I was the one for him... I went MIA on this forum...only to return years later with the same cycle and many many many more battle wounds. There are things that a person needs to learn on her own. I know this because I was this... If my story can help anyone I will be as transparent as possible. NOTHING changes while they are drinking. Outside of a few details I have read story after story on the forum and thought that they were talking about my ex. Honestly at one point I almost messaged someone and said Hey is your BF with the wife (insert my husbands name) That is how close they are in character... At some point I started to believe what everyone said on here. I started to hear their stories. I stopped thinking "Well mines different" cause forever I thought "Honey, you don't know my husband... he is (fill in the blanks for the justification I kept to make sure we stayed together)...".... Anyhow, I know how bad this hurts....Also I almost 100% bet he has told the girl he is dating with the child that the only reason you guys didn't work out was because you didn't want kids.....making her attached even more to him.... not cause he loves her... but because active alcoholics will do and say anything to keep their addiction alive.... so if a parent in a mailbox is what she is wanting.. that is what he will say he will be.... if you are wanting someone who is intensely so in love with you...that is who he will be... See it isn't personal ( despite the pain in your heart I know that hurts ) he will be a chamelon to anyone who will listen so that his needs are met... and he can keep on drinking. Once I learned this I could actually let him go....... I am here if you ever want to chat

Batgirl273

You have a point. He told his ex before me he didn't see us becoming serious because I didn't want kids and it was a dealbreaker. She showed me that text. I called him out, he said he thought about it for a long time and decided he was ok with it and actually preferred no kids. Then suddenly, its an issue and he found a single mom to test drive that life. I have no doubt he's told her we broke up over that. And that I am 'not over him', when HE'S the one reaching out, so he can be off the hook with her when I tell her he's being unfaithful to her too (and I have. Showed her screenshots. She stayed.)

I do see a lot of similarities in these stories. I'm on reddit too and they are all mostly identical. But then I read 'success' stories. Where they get sober and rekindle a couple years later. Its unlikely but it happens. I just don't want to believe he put on an act. I want to believe he felt how he said he did/does. And that I'm worth more than he has made me feel. Its like I want to blame his addiction for making me feel this way about myself, not blame him. If that makes sense. Maybe just looking to justify he didn't discard me for any reason other than his own demons.

dandylion

BatGirl......I think that most people underestimate how long it takes to get through the grieving process. At only 4 months----with lots of INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT during that time----it sounds like you are not finished with the grieving process. I think it takes longer if it is something that you have based your life and dreams around.
It is certainly waaay too soon for you to be pronouncing your self as incurable------"I can't move on". Yes you will---you must, if you want to experience anything better than this in the next several decades in front of you.
If you have been lurking, have you read "Co-dependent No More", yet? In case you haven't I suggest that you read it right away. It is the most recommended book on this forums. It is an easy read and you can probably read it in a couple of day, or so. I am pretty sure that a lot of it will resonate with you. If you want, there is a co-dependent work book by the same author. That could help you to begin to process a lot of stuff--and help you to become acquainted with your own self. That is sooo key to avoid re living another relationship, that is similar to this one. I think that would be the greatest danger, ahead, for you. We humans tend to live in the same patterns---Unless--we do some learning from our past pain and stumbles.
Dear batgirl---you are still so young! You met him when you were 29. I am guessing that this is the most painful relationship loss that you have suffered...?
Except for the very, very fortunate---most all of us suffer this---which is one of the most painful human experiences---at least once. It is part of the kind of stuff and experiences that make a person wiser as one grows older.
My advise -----work like *ell on yourself and self evaluation---and, you will feel a lot better and be a lot wiser this time next year!

dandylion

Batgirl....OMG....I just read the post that you made just before my recent post to you. I say this with compassion for you---but, Oh, My----your self esteem really, really, really needs a boost. Right now, it is drooping, quite a bit.
Actually, at a time like this---a healthy self esteem would say----"O.K. buddy---you have kicked me around quite a bit--and, I know that I am a quality person---So, at his point, I am out of here---But, make no mistake, you are the one that is losing!".
Batgirl---if he has twisted you around---it is on Him! Not you. don't let his mistreatment of you cause you to doubt your own intrinsic value.

For what it is worth---I doubt that it was an "act"....I don't think that he is pulled together emotionally to think in that kind of organized way----I, rather, think that it is just his go-to maneuver when he discovers that his current woman is not making his life all better. It is about the confusion within himself. I will further say to you---this inner mess is the baggage that he came to the relationship with---the roots of which probably began in the early years of his growing up.
I am guessing that he dis/does like a lot of things about you---and desired a lot of the fruits that you have to offer---but, just doesn't have the makeup that allows him to be mature enough to ever be able to commit in a loving way that you need to be loved by someone..

dandylion

Batgirl,,,,,,pursuant to my last post about self esteem at that time of a bad breakup----I am going to send a couple of old songs to you.
Most love songs are very co-dependent in nature. However, the couple that I am sending you are actually about a strong self esteem.
Lol....they were waaay before your time!

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXe5...26jsoncbid%3d0


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXe5...e5ETmifkMmifkM

dandylion

Batfirl.....oops! something happened with that second song .

Here is a better link to it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jZPSEEc_Ms

OKRunner

Batgirl, you said, "I guess I'm trying not to believe the last 4 years was a lie, and that what I felt was real." I am 99% sure I posted the same exact thought last fall to this forum. My relationship was only for one year, not four years, but other than that it's the same thing. I think both of our sets of emotions were very real. We thought we were in love. We thought we were very, very much in love. But I think what we thought we loved wasn't truly what we thought it was. In my case, my ex was a very handsome, very smart, very athletic, and very skilled person. When he was sober, he was so emotionally intelligent. So attentive. The best listener. I could go on and on. Except he wasn't like that all the time. Or even most of the time. He was like that maybe, I don't know, 1/5th of the time if you averaged it out over that year? The other 4/5ths of the time he was drunk. I ignored the 4/5ths because I so badly wanted to believe the 1/5th. I wanted to believe the 1/5th was the real fifth.

The best thing someone said to me on here was, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." 4/5ths of the time, my ex would drink so heavily that he would black out 4-5 night a week (or probably more, it was just 4-5 nights that I could verify) and then blow me off, say or text disrespectful things to me, cancel plans, not show up for plans, or act like he didn't remember our plans, or our conversations, or our promises, or anything else. I'd cry into my pillow and think I was worthless and ugly and on and on ... but I stayed. For a year. I wish I hadn't. I wasted a year of my life. I'm in my 40s and that was a precious year on so many levels. I wish I could get it back.

I saw a lot of the 1/5th at the beginning, so maybe he was drinking less then. Maybe he wasn't drinking at all. I do believe he very much wanted to be like that 1/5th most of the time, but he simply couldn't sustain it. He apologized to me many times (in the beginning) when the other 4/5th showed through. Near the end, it was poor and disrespectful behavior all the time.

As was said above, we both got caught in a crappy situation due to no fault of our own. I go easy on myself here in large part because I don't drink, I don't have anyone in my family who drinks, and I'd never dated anyone with any type of substance use disorder before. I was totally naive to the entire situation. I knew nothing about alcohol going into this and was doing the best I could with zero experience. I thought that by being loving and supporting I could fix it all. After all, I can do that to almost everything else in my life (e.g., fixer-upper homes, rescue dogs, almost dead plants, at-risk students, my legally troubled law firm clients, an on and on). But even with all of my passion and dedication and hard work (and those are my trademarks), I couldn't cure it and, sadly, I couldn't even control it and make it stop on date nights. I also didn't cause it.

As I work my way out of this, I'm almost (a tiny bit) grateful it happened. Because now I know. And instead of wasting a year on someone who prioritizes alcohol (or anything else, whatever it is) over me, the next time this happens to me will be the last time I see that person. I will have wasted only a day on them. Hopefully not more than an hour. Hopefully a minute. And most certainly not a year. Because I'm worth so much more and so are you.

Be kind to your sweet self. Go easy on yourself. The pain and loss will subside and you will emerge a stronger person, I promise you that.