BF gets back from treatment next week
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: san francisco, ca
Posts: 6
BF gets back from treatment next week
My BF of 2 years gets back from a residential treatment program next week. I am happy that he took this step. But I don't know what to expect.
He was so selfish when he was drinking. I don't even feel like I can be completely relieved, because now he has to be "selfish" and focus on recovery. I don't expect to be the center of the universe. But after two years of having a bottle be more important than me, I'm not exactly looking forward to a lifetime of AA being more important than me. Then alcohol is still more important, even if the focus is not drinking.
His counselors seem to be telling him to forget everyone else and focus on recovery. At first, this sounds good. Long-term, I think this is horrible advice. I know I'm not responsible for his drinking or not drinking. But I don't think it's wrong that our relationship, his job, his family, his hobbies, etc. also play a role in his recovery.
I'm getting help and trying the whole detach thing. But any practical advice on where to draw the line or when to demand what I need? I'm sure many of you have been through this.... Thanks
He was so selfish when he was drinking. I don't even feel like I can be completely relieved, because now he has to be "selfish" and focus on recovery. I don't expect to be the center of the universe. But after two years of having a bottle be more important than me, I'm not exactly looking forward to a lifetime of AA being more important than me. Then alcohol is still more important, even if the focus is not drinking.
His counselors seem to be telling him to forget everyone else and focus on recovery. At first, this sounds good. Long-term, I think this is horrible advice. I know I'm not responsible for his drinking or not drinking. But I don't think it's wrong that our relationship, his job, his family, his hobbies, etc. also play a role in his recovery.
I'm getting help and trying the whole detach thing. But any practical advice on where to draw the line or when to demand what I need? I'm sure many of you have been through this.... Thanks
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Welcome to SR Tealeaf. I'm glad you found the site.
My take on it is if your BF really wants to recover and be healthy, he will have to be selfish for awhile. He may not be able to give anything to you or anyone. He has to learn how to live sober and from what I've seen my AH go through, it's not easy. Demanding anything of him right now may not be the best thing for either of you. You may just need to give each other space. There won't be a long term for either of you if he keeps drinking. Keep working on detaching and your own recovery as the partner of an A.
My AH and I are living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed but there isn't any intimacy and we're really careful to give each other the space to work on recovery. Our counselor is helping us rebuild our relationship but even she said sex shouldn't be part of it right now. We're just learning how to be friends again.
Things can never be the same after recovery. My AH is a very different person now that he's sober and I'm struggling to deal with it. It's never easy is it?
My take on it is if your BF really wants to recover and be healthy, he will have to be selfish for awhile. He may not be able to give anything to you or anyone. He has to learn how to live sober and from what I've seen my AH go through, it's not easy. Demanding anything of him right now may not be the best thing for either of you. You may just need to give each other space. There won't be a long term for either of you if he keeps drinking. Keep working on detaching and your own recovery as the partner of an A.
My AH and I are living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed but there isn't any intimacy and we're really careful to give each other the space to work on recovery. Our counselor is helping us rebuild our relationship but even she said sex shouldn't be part of it right now. We're just learning how to be friends again.
Things can never be the same after recovery. My AH is a very different person now that he's sober and I'm struggling to deal with it. It's never easy is it?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Tealeaf
My suggestion is to just relax and let life happen. Recovery has to be better than drinking, and it will take some adjustment on everyone's part, but keep in mind that his life may depend on this, so be patient and let him find his way in sobriety.
I think the worst thing we can do is to walk on eggshells. Communicate how you feel, and let him talk about how it is for him. There is no reason that your life cannot be happy again, just keep a positive attitude and say your prayers.
Hugs
Ann
My suggestion is to just relax and let life happen. Recovery has to be better than drinking, and it will take some adjustment on everyone's part, but keep in mind that his life may depend on this, so be patient and let him find his way in sobriety.
I think the worst thing we can do is to walk on eggshells. Communicate how you feel, and let him talk about how it is for him. There is no reason that your life cannot be happy again, just keep a positive attitude and say your prayers.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posts: 31
I strongly suggest the BOTH of you read and discuss the "Chapter to The Family" in AA's Big Book. If I hadn't read it carefully I would not have been prepared for my wife's reactions. When I got sober my perspective and behavior changed radically and quickly....at least more quickly than my wife. She was stuck in her co-dependent ways and failed to see that because I was changing it meant that she was going to have to adapt too.
The idea that the significant other doesn't have to do anything is false. It stems from...well, you two should do the reading. That chapter describes the changes that both the Alchy and the family will have to live with in active recovery. It's worth it, just get along one day at a time.
And my experience is that I was not able to completely focus on my sobriety if I wanted to keep my wife around. Those who completely devote themsleves to the program end up in divorce quite frequently, but they usually stay sober. I had to find a balance, and that is hard at first. It takes a while to get some momentum in life after leaving rehab. My advice is keep your expectations at a reasonable level; my wife's unrealistic expectations led to a lot of problems for the first year. But I had many things to learn again, too.
Good luck! God Bless!
The idea that the significant other doesn't have to do anything is false. It stems from...well, you two should do the reading. That chapter describes the changes that both the Alchy and the family will have to live with in active recovery. It's worth it, just get along one day at a time.
And my experience is that I was not able to completely focus on my sobriety if I wanted to keep my wife around. Those who completely devote themsleves to the program end up in divorce quite frequently, but they usually stay sober. I had to find a balance, and that is hard at first. It takes a while to get some momentum in life after leaving rehab. My advice is keep your expectations at a reasonable level; my wife's unrealistic expectations led to a lot of problems for the first year. But I had many things to learn again, too.
Good luck! God Bless!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: san francisco, ca
Posts: 6
I know of one expectation that I have that my BF may find unreasonable. We haven't talked about this yet, because I feel that he is not ready to have relationship talks.
I have already been cheated on physically (he slept with some bar chick once) and I do not want to be cheated on emotionally.
There is one female acquaintance of ours (she is a friend of one of our friends) who is 8 years sober. Very cool woman. So he has turned to her with many questions. So far this is fine with me. But once he gets a sponsor (that's happening in a few days) and finds his meetings, I am not comfortable with him continuing to look to her for advice or comfort. I don't think this is paranoia. This is one point that I don't feel I can back down on. I fully support him sharing things with other people that he for some reason can't share with me. However, I do not feel it is appropriate for him to be in a potentially emotionally intimate position with another woman. Even if it does not lead to anything physical. (Oh, that 13th step I've been hearing so much about from other gf's)
I don't expect much. This request would not interfere with his recovery. And, from what I know, it is in line with AA teachings. (No opposite sex sponsors or AA affairs) She can introduce him to others who are just as cool and willing to listen.
The only reason I think he may balk at this is that she is the only person he knows who has been in the program (in our area; his rehab is out of state) and he has a hard time making connections. She was very helpful in telling him what residential treatment was all about, since she has been there. I know she would understand. I hope he does, too.
I have already been cheated on physically (he slept with some bar chick once) and I do not want to be cheated on emotionally.
There is one female acquaintance of ours (she is a friend of one of our friends) who is 8 years sober. Very cool woman. So he has turned to her with many questions. So far this is fine with me. But once he gets a sponsor (that's happening in a few days) and finds his meetings, I am not comfortable with him continuing to look to her for advice or comfort. I don't think this is paranoia. This is one point that I don't feel I can back down on. I fully support him sharing things with other people that he for some reason can't share with me. However, I do not feel it is appropriate for him to be in a potentially emotionally intimate position with another woman. Even if it does not lead to anything physical. (Oh, that 13th step I've been hearing so much about from other gf's)
I don't expect much. This request would not interfere with his recovery. And, from what I know, it is in line with AA teachings. (No opposite sex sponsors or AA affairs) She can introduce him to others who are just as cool and willing to listen.
The only reason I think he may balk at this is that she is the only person he knows who has been in the program (in our area; his rehab is out of state) and he has a hard time making connections. She was very helpful in telling him what residential treatment was all about, since she has been there. I know she would understand. I hope he does, too.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Once he begins attending meetings locally, he's going to meeting a lot of people and there's a good chance someone will offer to be his sponsor. And a definite yes to sam sex sponsors.
Our recovering some made the decision to move back home from upstate NY and was apprehensive about finding meetings, sponsor, etc. He went to several meetings over the thanksgiving week and at the first one he went to, a man came up to him and started talking. When he found out our son was was moving back home, the offered to be his sponsor.
He'll find a lot of people out there who are willing to help him and sponsor him.
As to the bar chick...I know what you're talking about. What they told him in rehab was that he was to forgive himself, but never forget and they told me that I was to forgive him and to forget. It was hard. Very hard. And there are times something stirs in my gut and I get really pi**** when I think about it. But I'm only hurting myself and no one else. So I slam on the brakes.
Be kind to yourself and him. Your life is going to change. This stuff doesn't happen over night. Give him time. With the 2 of you working your programs, you'll learn the ups and down and learn to adjust.
Hugs, Kathy
Our recovering some made the decision to move back home from upstate NY and was apprehensive about finding meetings, sponsor, etc. He went to several meetings over the thanksgiving week and at the first one he went to, a man came up to him and started talking. When he found out our son was was moving back home, the offered to be his sponsor.
He'll find a lot of people out there who are willing to help him and sponsor him.
As to the bar chick...I know what you're talking about. What they told him in rehab was that he was to forgive himself, but never forget and they told me that I was to forgive him and to forget. It was hard. Very hard. And there are times something stirs in my gut and I get really pi**** when I think about it. But I'm only hurting myself and no one else. So I slam on the brakes.
Be kind to yourself and him. Your life is going to change. This stuff doesn't happen over night. Give him time. With the 2 of you working your programs, you'll learn the ups and down and learn to adjust.
Hugs, Kathy
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