WOW... a journal entry from 6 days before my husband left
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WOW... a journal entry from 6 days before my husband left
Hi all...so I was going through old journal entries I have about my AH... He left me 2 weeks ago and gave me 1 hour notice before he left with my step kids and moved across the country to where his ex wife lives. I wrote this in my journal 6 days before he left...
Dear God, I am praying tonight for some answers... I feel really lost right now. I feel sad and scared. I am at a crossroads. My heart feels heavy and I don't think I can come out of this. I want to feel free but I feel burdened by disconnection. I got to see what my husband could be like when he was sober for 5 days. I felt connected. I felt safe. I felt respected and the burning anxiety in me eased. He drank again these last 3 days and it feels like I lost him all over again. He doesn't understand me and the pain I feel because of this. Alcohol and his dismissive attitude towards me when he is drinking has ruined our marriage. I used to say "It is ruining our marriage"...but I am hopeless now and feel like we are no longer meant to be together. I wish I didn't feel that way. I feel like he hates me for wanting more for us. For wanting better. For wanting a closer relationship. If he wants to keep drinking I just wish he would be kind to me about it. I wish he would just let me go with love. All I am asking for is a sense of a normal life with him and he punishes me with the silent treatment and pulling away just from a confrontation about drinking. So now I am stuck. I feel stuck...not only can't I say "Hey are you drunk or drinking?" I now have to act ok with it. I can't even remove myself emotionally. I feel invisible. Like my actual feelings are a burden. I miss feeling important to someone. Anyone at this point would do. I didn't call one of my best friends... back today and she is one of my favorite people to talk to usually. I can hear his (my AH) voice in the back of my head saying "Ya ya I know she is your favorite.... you have told me a million times" God he really is such a mean spirited person when he drinks. I know I can't do this anymore. Somehow I am still scared to death to lose him. I am not prepared for that amount of loss or pain. I already feel like I have lost so much. I don't know who to turn to for comfort. I feel guilty telling anyone anything because he says he feels betrayed when I do share my feelings with anyone. God I feel like you are all I have left... I am praying...even begging that you show me what to do. Give me a sign you are here please. I love you....
6 days later he packed up and left.... I guess God was really listening ....
Dear God, I am praying tonight for some answers... I feel really lost right now. I feel sad and scared. I am at a crossroads. My heart feels heavy and I don't think I can come out of this. I want to feel free but I feel burdened by disconnection. I got to see what my husband could be like when he was sober for 5 days. I felt connected. I felt safe. I felt respected and the burning anxiety in me eased. He drank again these last 3 days and it feels like I lost him all over again. He doesn't understand me and the pain I feel because of this. Alcohol and his dismissive attitude towards me when he is drinking has ruined our marriage. I used to say "It is ruining our marriage"...but I am hopeless now and feel like we are no longer meant to be together. I wish I didn't feel that way. I feel like he hates me for wanting more for us. For wanting better. For wanting a closer relationship. If he wants to keep drinking I just wish he would be kind to me about it. I wish he would just let me go with love. All I am asking for is a sense of a normal life with him and he punishes me with the silent treatment and pulling away just from a confrontation about drinking. So now I am stuck. I feel stuck...not only can't I say "Hey are you drunk or drinking?" I now have to act ok with it. I can't even remove myself emotionally. I feel invisible. Like my actual feelings are a burden. I miss feeling important to someone. Anyone at this point would do. I didn't call one of my best friends... back today and she is one of my favorite people to talk to usually. I can hear his (my AH) voice in the back of my head saying "Ya ya I know she is your favorite.... you have told me a million times" God he really is such a mean spirited person when he drinks. I know I can't do this anymore. Somehow I am still scared to death to lose him. I am not prepared for that amount of loss or pain. I already feel like I have lost so much. I don't know who to turn to for comfort. I feel guilty telling anyone anything because he says he feels betrayed when I do share my feelings with anyone. God I feel like you are all I have left... I am praying...even begging that you show me what to do. Give me a sign you are here please. I love you....
6 days later he packed up and left.... I guess God was really listening ....
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Join Date: Jun 2021
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Sounds to me like your prayers were answered! Sometimes we are shown answers to prayers but our eyes aren’t open until we are bonked in the head and the sign is right before us! I hope you continue to heal and grow and move forward knowing you are worthy and deserve to be happy!
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
Wow. I feel like I could see into your heart with that beautiful journal entry. God was listening to you and I believe was working in a mysterious way just for you. He wanted you to be free of being dismissed (more on that below), free to feel your actual feelings, free to want more in a future relationship, and free to receive more in a future relationship. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I honestly do believe you received a gift. A gift of a future. The gift of hope for new beginnings. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain right now, I know that it's simply gut wrenching. But as an outsider looking in, I can tell you that you are now on a new, better path. You most certainly are. You are too good to be dismissed. You are worthy of so much more.
I know all of our stories are our own, but there is something about the words you use to describe your story that really resonate with me. You said, "Alcohol and his dismissive attitude towards me when he is drinking has ruined our marriage." I've always tried to find a word to explain how I felt when my ex was drinking -- I used "ignored" to describe it to myself and others because I didn't have a better word but "dismissive" is ... perfect. He was so dismissive of me when drunk. When sober, he was the most attentive man but when drunk, I was simply dismissed. Thank you for reminding me. For some reason I only remember the attentive man now that I'm far enough away from being routinely dismissed. I hate being dismissed. I will never be with someone who is dismissive to me again.
You also said, "I feel like he hates me for wanting more for us. For wanting better. For wanting a closer relationship." You know what? You get what you reach for. You want more and ... you deserve more. You want better ... and you deserve better. You want a close relationship ... you deserve it. Never feel bad for wanting to be the best you can be and wanting the best life you can have. I've always firmly believed that if you can dream it you can achieve it. Don't ever let him or anyone else squash your dreams for more. Yes, you deserve more.
You said, "If he wants to keep drinking I just wish he would be kind to me about it. I wish he would just let me go with love. ... he punishes me with the silent treatment and pulling away just from a confrontation about drinking." It's funny -- I've said this a million times before on this forum and I will say it again. I too wish mine had just let me go with honestly and love. If my ex had just said, "Right now I need to drink. That's more important to me and I'm sorry I've hurt you. I shouldn't have started this with you when my heart lies elsewhere" my heart would have been broken, but I would have understood. It would have brought me closure. Because I am smart enough to understand alcoholism. I do. I've read so much about it here and other places that I finally get it. Alcohol is the priority. It always will be. I will always lose out. But, I too, didn't get that. When I gently confronted him and asked if I could help, all I got (too) was the silent treatment. And then, later, the acting like nothing was wrong when he got drunk again and again and again. The gas lighting. The manipulation But we don't deserve to be treated like that. Someone on here once said to me, "In what other area of your life, if you gently and lovingly confront someone and ask if you can help, do they give you the silent treatment and start manipulating you." And I remember when I read that I was like, "In no other area." In no other area of my life. Except this one. But never again.
Thank you for giving me therapy by reading your post. But more importantly, take care of your sweet self. You deserve so much more.
I know all of our stories are our own, but there is something about the words you use to describe your story that really resonate with me. You said, "Alcohol and his dismissive attitude towards me when he is drinking has ruined our marriage." I've always tried to find a word to explain how I felt when my ex was drinking -- I used "ignored" to describe it to myself and others because I didn't have a better word but "dismissive" is ... perfect. He was so dismissive of me when drunk. When sober, he was the most attentive man but when drunk, I was simply dismissed. Thank you for reminding me. For some reason I only remember the attentive man now that I'm far enough away from being routinely dismissed. I hate being dismissed. I will never be with someone who is dismissive to me again.
You also said, "I feel like he hates me for wanting more for us. For wanting better. For wanting a closer relationship." You know what? You get what you reach for. You want more and ... you deserve more. You want better ... and you deserve better. You want a close relationship ... you deserve it. Never feel bad for wanting to be the best you can be and wanting the best life you can have. I've always firmly believed that if you can dream it you can achieve it. Don't ever let him or anyone else squash your dreams for more. Yes, you deserve more.
You said, "If he wants to keep drinking I just wish he would be kind to me about it. I wish he would just let me go with love. ... he punishes me with the silent treatment and pulling away just from a confrontation about drinking." It's funny -- I've said this a million times before on this forum and I will say it again. I too wish mine had just let me go with honestly and love. If my ex had just said, "Right now I need to drink. That's more important to me and I'm sorry I've hurt you. I shouldn't have started this with you when my heart lies elsewhere" my heart would have been broken, but I would have understood. It would have brought me closure. Because I am smart enough to understand alcoholism. I do. I've read so much about it here and other places that I finally get it. Alcohol is the priority. It always will be. I will always lose out. But, I too, didn't get that. When I gently confronted him and asked if I could help, all I got (too) was the silent treatment. And then, later, the acting like nothing was wrong when he got drunk again and again and again. The gas lighting. The manipulation But we don't deserve to be treated like that. Someone on here once said to me, "In what other area of your life, if you gently and lovingly confront someone and ask if you can help, do they give you the silent treatment and start manipulating you." And I remember when I read that I was like, "In no other area." In no other area of my life. Except this one. But never again.
Thank you for giving me therapy by reading your post. But more importantly, take care of your sweet self. You deserve so much more.
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Originally Posted by WantSomeSupport 
Sounds to me like your prayers were answered! Sometimes we are shown answers to prayers but our eyes aren’t open until we are bonked in the head and the sign is right before us! I hope you continue to heal and grow and move forward knowing you are worthy and deserve to be happy!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by OKRunner
Wow. I feel like I could see into your heart with that beautiful journal entry. God was listening to you and I believe was working in a mysterious way just for you. He wanted you to be free of being dismissed (more on that below), free to feel your actual feelings, free to want more in a future relationship, and free to receive more in a future relationship. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I honestly do believe you received a gift. A gift of a future. The gift of hope for new beginnings. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain right now, I know that it's simply gut wrenching. But as an outsider looking in, I can tell you that you are now on a new, better path. You most certainly are. You are too good to be dismissed. You are worthy of so much more.
I know all of our stories are our own, but there is something about the words you use to describe your story that really resonate with me. You said, "Alcohol and his dismissive attitude towards me when he is drinking has ruined our marriage." I've always tried to find a word to explain how I felt when my ex was drinking -- I used "ignored" to describe it to myself and others because I didn't have a better word but "dismissive" is ... perfect. He was so dismissive of me when drunk. When sober, he was the most attentive man but when drunk, I was simply dismissed. Thank you for reminding me. For some reason I only remember the attentive man now that I'm far enough away from being routinely dismissed. I hate being dismissed. I will never be with someone who is dismissive to me again.
You also said, "I feel like he hates me for wanting more for us. For wanting better. For wanting a closer relationship." You know what? You get what you reach for. You want more and ... you deserve more. You want better ... and you deserve better. You want a close relationship ... you deserve it. Never feel bad for wanting to be the best you can be and wanting the best life you can have. I've always firmly believed that if you can dream it you can achieve it. Don't ever let him or anyone else squash your dreams for more. Yes, you deserve more.
You said, "If he wants to keep drinking I just wish he would be kind to me about it. I wish he would just let me go with love. ... he punishes me with the silent treatment and pulling away just from a confrontation about drinking." It's funny -- I've said this a million times before on this forum and I will say it again. I too wish mine had just let me go with honestly and love. If my ex had just said, "Right now I need to drink. That's more important to me and I'm sorry I've hurt you. I shouldn't have started this with you when my heart lies elsewhere" my heart would have been broken, but I would have understood. It would have brought me closure. Because I am smart enough to understand alcoholism. I do. I've read so much about it here and other places that I finally get it. Alcohol is the priority. It always will be. I will always lose out. But, I too, didn't get that. When I gently confronted him and asked if I could help, all I got (too) was the silent treatment. And then, later, the acting like nothing was wrong when he got drunk again and again and again. The gas lighting. The manipulation But we don't deserve to be treated like that. Someone on here once said to me, "In what other area of your life, if you gently and lovingly confront someone and ask if you can help, do they give you the silent treatment and start manipulating you." And I remember when I read that I was like, "In no other area." In no other area of my life. Except this one. But never again.
Thank you for giving me therapy by reading your post. But more importantly, take care of your sweet self. You deserve so much more.
I know all of our stories are our own, but there is something about the words you use to describe your story that really resonate with me. You said, "Alcohol and his dismissive attitude towards me when he is drinking has ruined our marriage." I've always tried to find a word to explain how I felt when my ex was drinking -- I used "ignored" to describe it to myself and others because I didn't have a better word but "dismissive" is ... perfect. He was so dismissive of me when drunk. When sober, he was the most attentive man but when drunk, I was simply dismissed. Thank you for reminding me. For some reason I only remember the attentive man now that I'm far enough away from being routinely dismissed. I hate being dismissed. I will never be with someone who is dismissive to me again.
You also said, "I feel like he hates me for wanting more for us. For wanting better. For wanting a closer relationship." You know what? You get what you reach for. You want more and ... you deserve more. You want better ... and you deserve better. You want a close relationship ... you deserve it. Never feel bad for wanting to be the best you can be and wanting the best life you can have. I've always firmly believed that if you can dream it you can achieve it. Don't ever let him or anyone else squash your dreams for more. Yes, you deserve more.
You said, "If he wants to keep drinking I just wish he would be kind to me about it. I wish he would just let me go with love. ... he punishes me with the silent treatment and pulling away just from a confrontation about drinking." It's funny -- I've said this a million times before on this forum and I will say it again. I too wish mine had just let me go with honestly and love. If my ex had just said, "Right now I need to drink. That's more important to me and I'm sorry I've hurt you. I shouldn't have started this with you when my heart lies elsewhere" my heart would have been broken, but I would have understood. It would have brought me closure. Because I am smart enough to understand alcoholism. I do. I've read so much about it here and other places that I finally get it. Alcohol is the priority. It always will be. I will always lose out. But, I too, didn't get that. When I gently confronted him and asked if I could help, all I got (too) was the silent treatment. And then, later, the acting like nothing was wrong when he got drunk again and again and again. The gas lighting. The manipulation But we don't deserve to be treated like that. Someone on here once said to me, "In what other area of your life, if you gently and lovingly confront someone and ask if you can help, do they give you the silent treatment and start manipulating you." And I remember when I read that I was like, "In no other area." In no other area of my life. Except this one. But never again.
Thank you for giving me therapy by reading your post. But more importantly, take care of your sweet self. You deserve so much more.
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