An aha Moment
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
An aha Moment
So I had kind of an Aha moment today... So while I was still in my Alcoholics husband daily life, he was able to say that I was the person that was annoying to him... that I had "bad energy" whatever that means... He was able to say to himself that I was the issue... Now that I have had no contact with him for 2 weeks, I am assuming that he is having to have these arguments with someone else. I don't think active alcoholics have the ability to not be irritable... Mine didn't have patience with any of my thoughts, feelings or decisions... let alone respect. Anyhow my aha moment was in my mind somehow I always thought if he left me ( which he did) it would be this happy life for him cause he told me how annoying I was all the time. His famous line was "You think you are so great but you aren't"... It kind of makes me laugh right now. There was always the obvious reasons I thought no contact was important.... But to be honest it felt like I needed it in order to not get hurt. I felt so raw and like hearing from him would break me... While that is still true...there is the flip side. The flip side is... he doesn't have me anymore to emotionally throw up on so to speak... so the blame can't possibly be me anymore...It changed my perspective on no contact from feeling like I was weak for no being able to hear his voice to kinda giggling in my head and saying "guess what AH I am not here to fix your ****** mood anymore... There are no more meals I am cooking, sex I am giving when I didn't want to, toilet trees I am buying, massages and back scratches I am giving.... There is no more uber eats I am ordering for you and the kids when you forgot to get food for them... There is no more paying you to work for my company when you bitch 1/2 the time... There is no more you saying "YOU DO EVERYTHING FOR ME" when the truth is I paid you $30-$40 an hour to work for me when you were unemployed.... instead of appreciating it and thinking how bad ass your wife was that I could own a company to help both of us generate money.... you complained... I don't have to hear any of it anymore....No more times I wash the sheets cause they small like alcohol from you sweating at night"... It is just all gone... while there is still some sadness...peace is entering in more and more each day
I was sad today....really sad.... but I took today slow. I took a nap even...I did a face mask... I took a bath... I went and got crest white strips...I didn't do anything productive really aside from get gas and worked for an hour... but you know what it is ok... I killed it the last few days and I deserved a day of rest... now I feel peaceful... no drunk man here... no step kids being unattended to because their dad is passed out and I had to work...No empty vodka bottles... no snoring cause he passed out by noon...no arguments...cause I rarely argue in my friendships... it is sunset where I am at and I am thankful... I loved the perspective I got that NO CONTACT is actually helping him as well... He may have to emotionally punch the sky now...
I was sad today....really sad.... but I took today slow. I took a nap even...I did a face mask... I took a bath... I went and got crest white strips...I didn't do anything productive really aside from get gas and worked for an hour... but you know what it is ok... I killed it the last few days and I deserved a day of rest... now I feel peaceful... no drunk man here... no step kids being unattended to because their dad is passed out and I had to work...No empty vodka bottles... no snoring cause he passed out by noon...no arguments...cause I rarely argue in my friendships... it is sunset where I am at and I am thankful... I loved the perspective I got that NO CONTACT is actually helping him as well... He may have to emotionally punch the sky now...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaya....I would point out that---make no mistake---being compassionate and attending to your self IS Productive work!!
Lol...I am going to take a risk and go out on a limb here------I am guessing, that somehow you grew up in an environment---or. received a message that a strong, Germanic work ethic is where your acceptance and external validation came from. If I am correct in this---I am assuming that you must have internalized this as the measure of your intrinsic worth.
I notice tht you seem to be very hard driving---and I do know that this can be a dynamic of workaholics. Workaholics are another form of -----olics. I have had the experience of having workaholics in my own life---and I can tell you that it can be as damaging to relationships and to the self as any other kind of addiction. It wouldn't seem so---because "hard workers" get so much positive praise from the culture, in general---but it is.
I am not trying to be critical---I am just trying to make the strong point that caring for your own needs can be more important that being industrious for the rest of the world.
You are here on Earth to find jpy and satisfaction in the act of being alive---in all ways---not just being a work machine.
Don;t let anyone tell you or insinuate otherwise.
Just sharing my thoughts on this subject of self attention. Not to attend to your own caretaking is a reflection of your own (learned) lack of self esteem and respect for your own intrinsic value---you are valuable just because you live!
(Dandylion has now exited her soapbox)
Lol...I am going to take a risk and go out on a limb here------I am guessing, that somehow you grew up in an environment---or. received a message that a strong, Germanic work ethic is where your acceptance and external validation came from. If I am correct in this---I am assuming that you must have internalized this as the measure of your intrinsic worth.
I notice tht you seem to be very hard driving---and I do know that this can be a dynamic of workaholics. Workaholics are another form of -----olics. I have had the experience of having workaholics in my own life---and I can tell you that it can be as damaging to relationships and to the self as any other kind of addiction. It wouldn't seem so---because "hard workers" get so much positive praise from the culture, in general---but it is.
I am not trying to be critical---I am just trying to make the strong point that caring for your own needs can be more important that being industrious for the rest of the world.
You are here on Earth to find jpy and satisfaction in the act of being alive---in all ways---not just being a work machine.
Don;t let anyone tell you or insinuate otherwise.
Just sharing my thoughts on this subject of self attention. Not to attend to your own caretaking is a reflection of your own (learned) lack of self esteem and respect for your own intrinsic value---you are valuable just because you live!
(Dandylion has now exited her soapbox)
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Kaya....I would point out that---make no mistake---being compassionate and attending to your self IS Productive work!!
Lol...I am going to take a risk and go out on a limb here------I am guessing, that somehow you grew up in an environment---or. received a message that a strong, Germanic work ethic is where your acceptance and external validation came from. If I am correct in this---I am assuming that you must have internalized this as the measure of your intrinsic worth.
I notice tht you seem to be very hard driving---and I do know that this can be a dynamic of workaholics. Workaholics are another form of -----olics. I have had the experience of having workaholics in my own life---and I can tell you that it can be as damaging to relationships and to the self as any other kind of addiction. It wouldn't seem so---because "hard workers" get so much positive praise from the culture, in general---but it is.
I am not trying to be critical---I am just trying to make the strong point that caring for your own needs can be more important that being industrious for the rest of the world.
You are here on Earth to find jpy and satisfaction in the act of being alive---in all ways---not just being a work machine.
Don;t let anyone tell you or insinuate otherwise.
Just sharing my thoughts on this subject of self attention. Not to attend to your own caretaking is a reflection of your own (learned) lack of self esteem and respect for your own intrinsic value---you are valuable just because you live!
(Dandylion has now exited her soapbox)
Lol...I am going to take a risk and go out on a limb here------I am guessing, that somehow you grew up in an environment---or. received a message that a strong, Germanic work ethic is where your acceptance and external validation came from. If I am correct in this---I am assuming that you must have internalized this as the measure of your intrinsic worth.
I notice tht you seem to be very hard driving---and I do know that this can be a dynamic of workaholics. Workaholics are another form of -----olics. I have had the experience of having workaholics in my own life---and I can tell you that it can be as damaging to relationships and to the self as any other kind of addiction. It wouldn't seem so---because "hard workers" get so much positive praise from the culture, in general---but it is.
I am not trying to be critical---I am just trying to make the strong point that caring for your own needs can be more important that being industrious for the rest of the world.
You are here on Earth to find jpy and satisfaction in the act of being alive---in all ways---not just being a work machine.
Don;t let anyone tell you or insinuate otherwise.
Just sharing my thoughts on this subject of self attention. Not to attend to your own caretaking is a reflection of your own (learned) lack of self esteem and respect for your own intrinsic value---you are valuable just because you live!
(Dandylion has now exited her soapbox)
I for sure have elements of not feeling intrinsically valuable without producing at some level. This is something I actually have been working on in therapy for a few years. It has caused a year long battle with an eating disorder ( I am thankful it was only for a year in my 20s) as well as me being much too hard on myself... It also has caused me to feel anxious when I am sick for any reason. I have already acknowledged this with my closest friends as well as my therapist and have been taking steps to do self care on days when I know I need it. My father and I have a wonderful relationship now but growing up it was only when I accomplished something that I felt noticed at all. I also was raped when I was 16 by a 36 year old man and I didn't tell anybody until I was 17. When I was brave enough to say something when I was 17 my moms response was "I wish I you would have told me sooner and never got me therapy or asked another question" It wasn't until 6 months ago (I am 39 now for reference) that I finally told my father and he was really compassionate about it. Offered to help pay for therapy even over 2 decades later. After my parents got divorced when I was 8 years old there was a lot of negclet .... I mean not in the ways where I didn't have food ect...more so emotionally. Since I became an adult my mom pretty much checked out....then she got sick and lost her legs... I have confronted both my father and mother/stepfather at separate times. My mom wasn't really open to hearing it but my father listened and validated. I was in my early 20s then and our relationship healed then. However, my parents aren't the best at reaching out and showing affection. My dad is my hero but I am the one who has to call to let him know what is going on. He is rarely the one to reach out...Don't get me wrong though...ever since my 20s there has not been a moment when I reached out that he wasn't there is a heartbeat. I feel very lucky. My mom on the other hand has sent me 1 text exactly since she found out my husband left me 2 weeks ago. So I am sure all of this plays a huge role in this. I have listened to everything Brene Brown has done, Tony Robbins, Eckhart Tolle as well as been to live seminars.... all in the goal of trying to reclaim my intrinsic value.... It is a work in progress but I have been working on it for a long time and I don't plan on stopping.I don't agree that having a strong drive and work ethic or even being a work acholic causes the same amount of damage as an active alcoholic. When I work too many hours or push myself too far it didn't result in the damage that my AH had in blackout moments. I didn't "work too much" and cheat on him...I didn't "work too much" and verbally abuse him....I "didn't work too much" and give him 1 hour to tell him our marriage is over and take off with the kids to move beck with my ex....So I am sorry while I am ok with owning my part I will not put myself in the same damaging position he is in... Not after the abuse I have endured at the hands of him and the many many many many empty bottles of vodka..... Thank you for your feed back though....
Being only 2 weeks out from the shock of him leaving is much to early for me to think that me working a ton caused the same amount of damage ....sorry at this point that is too hard to hear. That is just me.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Kaya….
Seriously? What kind of person talks like that, let alone a husband who supposedly loves you? And obviously, he said it a bunch. Yowza. That’s some world-class glass-bowl behavior (say that out loud and you’ll get it…just trying to avoid getting asterisked here!)
You wouldn’t let a stranger on the bus say that to you. You wouldn’t let a friend say that to you. You wouldn’t let an EMPLOYEE say that to you, and apparently he was one. Sort of. Semi. Off and on. When he felt like it. (Eyeroll.)
You’re waking up now and that’s really good. This is incredibly painful to experience, but on the plus side, you will never let anyone treat you this way again because now you know.
And maybe you are just that great, dammit. Tell his voice in your head to take a very long jump at a rolling jelly doughnut, yes?
You do you!
His famous line was "You think you are so great but you aren't"
You wouldn’t let a stranger on the bus say that to you. You wouldn’t let a friend say that to you. You wouldn’t let an EMPLOYEE say that to you, and apparently he was one. Sort of. Semi. Off and on. When he felt like it. (Eyeroll.)
You’re waking up now and that’s really good. This is incredibly painful to experience, but on the plus side, you will never let anyone treat you this way again because now you know.
And maybe you are just that great, dammit. Tell his voice in your head to take a very long jump at a rolling jelly doughnut, yes?
You do you!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kayla.....I apologize if I offended you---as that is not my intention, at all. I am not meaning to make specific comparisons---but am just speaking in generalities about one's feeling of value to themselves.
To be honest, I have never,had an alcoholic partner, though I have had my heart broken by some fmily members, in that regard/ For me, I have had the experience of having some very "driven" partners who were in high intensity fields of work---and the result was to literally "starve" the relationship to it's demise. Very crushing, for me.
In fact, when I was dating my last very wonderful and sweet husband, I told him very directly----"If I ever see that you are putting your work as a priority over our relatiosnhip---I am out of here, no matter how much I love you"..Fortunately, he did not do that even though he was in a very demanding profession. Sadly, he did leave me by dying very suddenly at an early age.
I see that you have had a tremendous amount of adversity to cope with from an early age, and I admire how you have held up under all of that.
Please understand that I am, in no way suggesting that you caused your husbands bad treatment of you---it sounds like he was alcoholic plus more!
I was talking more about how one can short change one's shelf---in the context of this thread.
To be honest, I have never,had an alcoholic partner, though I have had my heart broken by some fmily members, in that regard/ For me, I have had the experience of having some very "driven" partners who were in high intensity fields of work---and the result was to literally "starve" the relationship to it's demise. Very crushing, for me.
In fact, when I was dating my last very wonderful and sweet husband, I told him very directly----"If I ever see that you are putting your work as a priority over our relatiosnhip---I am out of here, no matter how much I love you"..Fortunately, he did not do that even though he was in a very demanding profession. Sadly, he did leave me by dying very suddenly at an early age.
I see that you have had a tremendous amount of adversity to cope with from an early age, and I admire how you have held up under all of that.
Please understand that I am, in no way suggesting that you caused your husbands bad treatment of you---it sounds like he was alcoholic plus more!
I was talking more about how one can short change one's shelf---in the context of this thread.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by dandylion
Kayla.....I apologize if I offended you---as that is not my intention, at all. I am not meaning to make specific comparisons---but am just speaking in generalities about one's feeling of value to themselves.
To be honest, I have never,had an alcoholic partner, though I have had my heart broken by some fmily members, in that regard/ For me, I have had the experience of having some very "driven" partners who were in high intensity fields of work---and the result was to literally "starve" the relationship to it's demise. Very crushing, for me.
In fact, when I was dating my last very wonderful and sweet husband, I told him very directly----"If I ever see that you are putting your work as a priority over our relatiosnhip---I am out of here, no matter how much I love you"..Fortunately, he did not do that even though he was in a very demanding profession. Sadly, he did leave me by dying very suddenly at an early age.
I see that you have had a tremendous amount of adversity to cope with from an early age, and I admire how you have held up under all of that.
Please understand that I am, in no way suggesting that you caused your husbands bad treatment of you---it sounds like he was alcoholic plus more!
I was talking more about how one can short change one's shelf---in the context of this thread.
To be honest, I have never,had an alcoholic partner, though I have had my heart broken by some fmily members, in that regard/ For me, I have had the experience of having some very "driven" partners who were in high intensity fields of work---and the result was to literally "starve" the relationship to it's demise. Very crushing, for me.
In fact, when I was dating my last very wonderful and sweet husband, I told him very directly----"If I ever see that you are putting your work as a priority over our relatiosnhip---I am out of here, no matter how much I love you"..Fortunately, he did not do that even though he was in a very demanding profession. Sadly, he did leave me by dying very suddenly at an early age.
I see that you have had a tremendous amount of adversity to cope with from an early age, and I admire how you have held up under all of that.
Please understand that I am, in no way suggesting that you caused your husbands bad treatment of you---it sounds like he was alcoholic plus more!
I was talking more about how one can short change one's shelf---in the context of this thread.
) for a very long time. I am hoping that the work out of this marriage will be beneficial in opening my eyes to my self worth. I felt like i was beginning to get there in this last year but logistically I couldn't let a ball drop because my partner didn't pick them up when they did. I was overwhelmed to say the least. But I would have LOVED to not work as much so that our marriage could be a priority...unfortunately with him that couldn't be the case. There was too much at stake to let my job take a back seat and have him passed out or drunk...it made things chaotic. I did give him plenty of times that we could have done fun things together and he would be drunk before noon so it just wasn't worth taking the time off I am sorry you went through that with your ex. abandonment even for a job hurts. I also am really sorry about the death of your spouse... going through that must have been very hard....I do appreciate honest feedback....sorry it just struck a cord with me cause I was just trying to keep all the balls in the air and all the adult things handled and was envious he got to be the kid all the time so I think that is why it hit a cord with me.. I do understand the overall message behind it...I do agree it is something to continue to work on
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Kaya….
Seriously? What kind of person talks like that, let alone a husband who supposedly loves you? And obviously, he said it a bunch. Yowza. That’s some world-class glass-bowl behavior (say that out loud and you’ll get it…just trying to avoid getting asterisked here!)
You wouldn’t let a stranger on the bus say that to you. You wouldn’t let a friend say that to you. You wouldn’t let an EMPLOYEE say that to you, and apparently he was one. Sort of. Semi. Off and on. When he felt like it. (Eyeroll.)
You’re waking up now and that’s really good. This is incredibly painful to experience, but on the plus side, you will never let anyone treat you this way again because now you know.
And maybe you are just that great, dammit. Tell his voice in your head to take a very long jump at a rolling jelly doughnut, yes?
You do you!
Seriously? What kind of person talks like that, let alone a husband who supposedly loves you? And obviously, he said it a bunch. Yowza. That’s some world-class glass-bowl behavior (say that out loud and you’ll get it…just trying to avoid getting asterisked here!)
You wouldn’t let a stranger on the bus say that to you. You wouldn’t let a friend say that to you. You wouldn’t let an EMPLOYEE say that to you, and apparently he was one. Sort of. Semi. Off and on. When he felt like it. (Eyeroll.)
You’re waking up now and that’s really good. This is incredibly painful to experience, but on the plus side, you will never let anyone treat you this way again because now you know.
And maybe you are just that great, dammit. Tell his voice in your head to take a very long jump at a rolling jelly doughnut, yes?
You do you!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaya....it does sound like your husband let you down on all fronts. I can see how this has had a devastating effect on you. I can understand how the pain is stunning and raw.
For what it is worth---one thing that I learned about True Workaholics---as opposed to individuals who happen to be in a situation where overwork is a necessity for survival---is this-----a True toxic level workaholic will not complain or chafe under the work. It feels comfortable and "natural" to them and they wouldn't want it any other way. It is truly their first priority---over their health and relationships.
A person who is, by circumstances, overworked, doesn't love it and, will, at a certain point, complain and voice their unhappiness about it. They can actually recognize the negative effects of it.
After what you explain, I think you certainly fall into the latter category.
100 brides in one year---Wow! I can't even imagine.
For what it is worth---one thing that I learned about True Workaholics---as opposed to individuals who happen to be in a situation where overwork is a necessity for survival---is this-----a True toxic level workaholic will not complain or chafe under the work. It feels comfortable and "natural" to them and they wouldn't want it any other way. It is truly their first priority---over their health and relationships.
A person who is, by circumstances, overworked, doesn't love it and, will, at a certain point, complain and voice their unhappiness about it. They can actually recognize the negative effects of it.
After what you explain, I think you certainly fall into the latter category.
100 brides in one year---Wow! I can't even imagine.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
