Allabouteve

Hi,
I feel like a pathetic weak sad woman for writing this, especially in light of my previous threads when I was advised to run for the hills. However its not that simple when you truly love someone. Especially the sober 'him'.
I've done some soul searching and sadly discovered I'm a codependant with anxious attachment style due to childhood trauma and complex PTSD which is possibly why I'm in this situation.
So at the weekend, the man I love, who swore he's never laid a finger on a woman in his life, who said he wouldn't hurt a hair on my head, who said he will protect me forever actually had me around my THROAT in a drunken blackout rage.
We has been to a party and he got very jealous when I was just chatting innocently to a happily married man (as normal people do at parties). He was completely intoxicated. I got him into a taxi, got him back to mine, the taxi driver had to help him through my front door and then I had to shove him up the stairs into my bedroom.
This is when the abuse started. He started calling me a slag and a **** and that I dress like a *****. That I'm this and that and he grabbed me around the throat. He then grabbed my chin and passed out. Not to mention he'd urinated over the carpet.
The next morning he asked why was I in a mood? I told him I wasn't in a mood I was just quiet and explained what he did to me. He denied it and said he'd never do that and couldn't believe it of himself.
like a fool I've forgiven him. I know he needs help. Maybe I have no self esteem or maybe I'm just a weak pathetic woman desperate for love. I don't know. He can't believe he's done this and i have to believe it was done in a black out. Is is possible to do things and not remember. He's horrified. Could this ever happen again? Is this likely to happen again?
I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm exhausted. When it's good its good.....

Steely

You are none of these things Allabouteve, but in answer to your question yes, it could and can happen again. Strangulation is how many (most) women are murdered in these type of circumstances. Jealousy and control. Alcohol.

I'd be thinking very seriously about staying with this man forever while he's drinking. Boundaries, Now! And don't forget the horrible names he called you. Wtf!

Lots of men in gaol can't remember that they killed their partner.

Please take this very seriously.

Concerned for you.

Gabe1980

He does need help.......but it sounds like you do too. You don't sound weak and pathetic but you sound like you are in a situation that could end in violence and he could cause real harm to you. It's not about love and whether you love each other....it's about risk and choosing to take action to stay safe. My advice would be to contact your local service (domestic violence) to get some information and support (that doesn't mean you have to report anything, it just means you can get support from people who understand your position).

To answer your questions - YES drinkers blackout and remember nothing. I blackout every time I drink. Luckily I am not violent but I am definitely a danger to myself. If he has done this once in a blackout then he is more than capable of doing it again, or worse. Even if you both don't think he is capable, I assure you, HE IS,

Sending love your way. I know this is really hard but you can choose to help yourself xxx

Ariesagain

I went back to your first post, which was in January, IIRC, and he was verbally abusing you then. So, now it’s physical abuse. You haven’t been with him all that long, correct? Maybe a year, now? Total?

This will not get better. It may get much worse. This is serious.

Article about choking as predictor

Him claiming he doesn’t remember it doesn’t make it not true. As for his abuse history…that doesn’t change anything. Plenty of people were abused in childhood and use it as motivation to never lay a finger on anyone.

I guess it’s really going to come down to whether this is something you’re willing to risk your life for.

littlesister1

Yes it will happen again, it will get worse
This is who he is
Believe it

PeacefulWater12

I don't think it matters whether he was in a black out or not, if he choked you to death you would still be dead whether he remembers doing it or not.

I would urge you to get yourself to safety. Immediately. You can work on your issues once you are safe and away from him. You can build up your self esteem and create the life you want. A safe one.

I hear what you say about him having issues but they are for him to seek help with ..... or not.

Alcoholism gets worse. He will get worse.

You know people here are going to urge you to get yourself to safety. Sending kind thoughts and strength to you.

Cookie314

Eve, I want to point this out to you. In this one message, you have degraded yourself 4 times:

"I feel like a pathetic weak sad woman for writing this"

"I've done some soul searching and sadly discovered I'm a codependant with anxious attachment style due to childhood trauma and complex PTSD which is possibly why I'm in this situation."

"like a fool I've forgiven him"

"Maybe I have no self esteem or maybe I'm just a weak pathetic woman desperate for love."

These weren't you relaying something your partner said, these were you referring to yourself. This is so common in victims of abuse, to reach a point where you basically do their work for them. They don't need to put you down, their gas lighting and manipulations have brought you down to the point where you simply assume you're at fault. You are not. Processing this pain will take a long time, and work with a professional, but you need to know right off the bat that you are not these horrible things you think of yourself. Some people refer to their alcoholism as "the beast" constantly whispering (or sometimes yelling) in their ears to drink. Your beast is this fog of abuse you find yourself in, when you rally against the wrongs being done to you, and those fears and self doubts whisper in your ear that you deserve this, or can't get out, or you must be wrong or stupid or weak. You are not.

Aries is right, this is serious, and you need to get out of this situation. The fact that his abuse has progressed so far in such a short time is a major red flag that it will only get worse from here. You are not safe with him. He is clearly jealous and controlling, and when that's combined with drinking and physical abuse creates a situation that is deadly to you. I mean that literally. When Aries asked if this relationship is worth rising your life for, she hit the nail on the head.

I would recommend calling your local domestic violence helpline (or a national one, which will use your area code to find places near you) about arranging a safe house. Leaving a relationship like this is dangerous, you need to be able to pack your important things, and get to safety without alerting him you're doing so.

Please be careful, and keep posting on here. Read through the best of sober recovery sub forums, they have a lot of great threads about abuse. You need to escape this situation.

Ariesagain

AllAboutEve…

From your first post in January.

ironwill

Hi Allabouteve,

Don't feel that you are a weak pathetic woman for what has gone down. You are strong for coming here and seeking guidance. You have been abused and it's gone from verbal to physical. All the while he does not recall a thing. This is not a safe situation that you are in. Yes you love him, but is that the type of love you want from someone who has a problem with alcohol. If he doesn't get help he will get worse.

You need to look after yourself and feel safe with the person you are with. Not wonder if he drinks, will i be abused. Most of the people that come here will say that when their significant other is not drinking that they are wonderful. The problem with that is unless they are willing to give up alcohol. You never know what type of person you will get when they start drinking. They can say anything, and will to deny what they have done. You know the truth and what you will allow. Physical abuse should not be tolerated. Hopefully you can get someplace safe where you can rest and look after yourself. You are a strong woman who deserves someone who doesn't treat you like that. Be safe and keep coming back here for support.

Anna

Yes, of course it can and will happen again. Yes, he was in a blackout but that doesn't relieve him of responsibility. The name-calling and physical violence are unacceptable.

I truly hope you find the self-love to step away from this relationship and to care for and nurture yourself.

Please read and make use of the following information:

Domestic Abuse Defined

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US):

http://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.womenshealth.gov/relatio...afety/get-help

Canada:

http://endingviolencecanada.org/getting-help/

https://www.sheltersafe.ca/find-help/#call

UK:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Europe:

http://www.cosc.ie/en/COSC/Pages/WP08000009

https://ec.europa.eu/justice/saynostopvaw/helpline.html

Australia:

https://au.reachout.com/articles/dom...olence-support

call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 73

trailmix

And when it's not good?

You ask, is it possible he has forgotten the incident. Absolutely, he may well have blacked out. Sometimes, when highly intoxicated the mind simply stops recording, there is no memory, not suppressed, not vanished, it's just never there.

Now that and the violence he showed, may well be two different things. If he will choke you, is that ok? Are you willing to live with that threat? You may well be, I don't know.

- He belittles you and calls you terrible names
- He chokes you
- He is so drunk he doesn't even remember choking you

Is this the partner you want in your life.

Please stop speaking so badly to yourself. You are not those things, what you probably are is a nice person in a very bad situation. You need boundaries and a plan perhaps? Kicking yourself all over the place will never help.

Do you want to keep doing this?

Ideally, now would be a great time to separate from him and work on yourself. Is there any way you think you can progress with him in the picture? Would you be better off alone while you work on your self esteem and trauma?

Perhaps just things to ponder.

It's all well and good that he is horrified at his behaviour - he should be. Whether he can remember it or not, he did it, not sure what not remembering it has to do with what actually happened?

SparkleKitty

AAE, this is not where the abuse started. And it is not likely to be where it ends.

You have done tremendous work identifying where you are coming from and why you are here. I hope you keep going with that effort because it will help you realize that this is not love, and that you deserve far better from a romantic partner, and from yourself.

silentrun

I'm so sorry. You see it for what it is now.

slipnslide

I rarely post here,AllAboutEve, but your situation is calling to me. Let’s look at the timeline of events:
- he is an alcoholic. You called it in your first post ever. He denied it and told you you’re wrong.
-he was verbally abusive to you from the start. But only when drunk and he was profoundly apologetic. You decided it’s ok for him to treat you like **** because sober him was sorry for drunk him.
-sober him tells you he would never physically hurt a woman, actually women hurt him! So obviously he’s not abusive because he only says mean things to you, he doesn’t actually touch you.

all this right here, is gaslighting. He is gaslighting you. He is SHOWING you who he is through his behavior and then after the fact telling you you’re wrong about how you feel for him. Your fear of him… your embarrassment for him… is wrong. This makes you question your own sanity and reliability. It makes you less assured of yourself and makes you feel like you NEED HIM because no one else will want you. Gaslighting IS abuse. And now, let’s look at the new developments:
-all that triggered drunk him was you talking to another person (it doesn’t matter if it was a man or woman(
-he began by lashing out verbally but that wasn’t enough so he grabbed you.
-he asked you why you were in a mood. He must know by now he gets verbally abusive when drunk so he immediately went on the defensive and started blaming YOU for your mood.
-when you told him about the choking he feverishly denied it and said he’d never do that vs immediately admitting fault and feeling regret.

not to be a broken record, but gaslighting. He is trying to isolate you from other people, making you feel guilt for speaking to them. He make s huge error by escalating his behavior and physically hurting you but went to work immediately to discredit your feelings about the event. He’s trying to make YOU feel shame for feeling anger for the actions he did (regardless if he can remember or not)

my husband is in law enforcement. I don’t want to sound clique but abuse escalated. First words, then physical “attention getters”. Then punched walls… punched faces… and unfortunately, as he has seen on a few different occasions, murder. When the abuser feels they can no longer control you with their fear, they will escalate their actions they induce fear. And some take it too far.

Be safe. Get away.

slipnslide

Sorry. Typos in my message.

“When the abuser feels they can no longer control you with fear, they will escalate their actions that induce your fear. And some take it too far”

advbike

Please get out, before it is too late. Do it when he is not there, as it will likely send him into another rage. And DO NOT tell him where you have gone. His words are violent and his actions are violent, so clearly his thoughts are violent. This can only end badly. DO NOT ALLOW him to turn on the charm again. He may well kill you the next time.

Once you are away from him for a while you will see how twisted this is, but for now just protect yourself. It will be hard, but do it for yourself. Let him seek help on his own.

EDIT - I went back and read your posts from January, about his violent words, then from April, about his wetting the bed, and now he has been physically violent. It is progressing just as others predicted. I know how difficult it is because I am codependent also, but please take action to protect yourself.

trailmix

Just one other thing, I hope you never hesitate to post. Just because you might have been advised to run for the hills, you are still going to make your own decision. I hope you will keep posting. Asking for help is not pathetic, weak or sad - it's brave.

Billymacintosh

Hi AAE
Regardless of your partner's past, reasons/excuses for his behaviour the fact remains that you are in a situation with potentially catestrophic consequences, please get out. The links posted above are really good info. I hope you will continue to post and let us support you
love Billy x

RAL

When someone shows you who they really are. Believe them.

Put yourself first before he kills you.

Dee74

I am so sorry to read this.
Please look at the links Anna posted Eve, and get some help, get yourself safe.

D